Unexpected
by Anne Bensler
Summary: A fresh story because I'm kind of over writing 'Elliot left but came back' stories for a while. And what I came up with may be quite unexpected. Please read chapter 1, it's the best preview I can give you of this one.
1. Positive

**I am kind of over writing 'Elliot left and then came back' stories and wanted to write something completely different. Well, different it is!**  
 **The setting of this story is in season 5, so think season 5 hair and a married Elliot.**  
 **This is a short introductory chapter to give you an idea. I hope you'll enjoy it!**

...

 **1\. Positive**

Olivia purses her lips and closes her eyes for a moment. As soon as she opens them, she looks down at the white stick in her hand again. And then at the other one that's on the bed next to her. Two different tests. Both positive. They can't both be wrong. Her free hand moves to her abdomen. Is there really a new life growing in there? Could it really be?

She doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. She hadn't planned to get pregnant during that ten day vacation she took, that's for sure. But very slowly, the initial shock is giving way to a different feeling. It's almost as if she can already feel that new life moving inside her, because she's feeling tiny bubbles in her stomach. She realizes they're happy bubbles and slowly the corners of her mouth tug upward. She's pregnant. She's _pregnant_! She is going to be a mother. No matter how unexpected or even inconvenient, at the end of the day it's happiness that overrides all the ifs and buts of her situation.

She's single, working all hours in a dangerous job but she can't help it that she feels happier now than she's ever felt in her entire life. She knows she'll be a good mother, she just knows it.

Olivia stays inside all Saturday and she feels like she's in a cocoon, a world of her own where only she and her baby exist. Her baby. She is going to have a baby! She can't really fathom it completely yet but she knows it's all she ever wanted. A child that she can call her own. Another human being that's a part of her. Her own flesh and blood. A family of two is a real family too. This will be her chance to prove that, maybe to herself more than anyone. It could have worked with just her and her mother, if only her mother had been able to love her.

Olivia knows this is different. She wasn't raped. She had a fling on vacation that lasted a full week. It was consensual and superficial. They had both enjoyed not being alone and had parted amicably, not expecting to see each other ever again.

She thinks she should tell him about the baby but she is hesitant about it. They did exchange phone numbers but there had been a silent agreement between them that it was just a fling and they wouldn't call.

She doesn't sleep well that night and when Sunday comes around, she is becoming a little restless. She's actually relieved when she gets a phone call from her partner at eleven, telling her they have a case. She's never happy that another rape has been committed, but it's what they investigate and it will distract her a little from her own thoughts. She had enjoyed her cocoon but she needs some air. She takes a deep breath when she steps out of her building. Her partner is already waiting for her in the car and she pastes a smile on her face.

"Hey," she greets him as she gets into the car.

"Morning," Elliot responds.

He puts the car into gear and starts steering them to their crime scene.

"How was your weekend so far?" Elliot inquires.

"Oh fine," Olivia says as dismissively as she can manage, but her partner is very perceptive when it comes to her.

"Let me guess. You weren't alone?"

Olivia frowns and looks at her partner's profile.

"What makes you say that?"

"So I'm right?" he prods.

"For what it's worth, you're wrong. I was alone."

"Okay."

Olivia huffs. That man and his assumptions. She puts a hand over her stomach and looks out of the passenger window. She isn't completely alone, she thinks. She is carrying a baby. She can't be more than six weeks along so it's just a tiny speck for now, but she's been doing some reading. The baby's heart starts beating in week six. She knows she should go and see an OB/GYN soon. Maybe she could already hear the baby's heartbeat!

"Liv?"

Olivia looks back at her partner and blinks when she can see in his eyes that he's just asked her something.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Elliot lets out an annoyed sigh and parks the car.

"Nothing. Never mind."

He gets out and she follows him quickly. They walk up to the door of an apartment building, where an officer is waiting for them.

"You're SVU? Apartment 2C."

"Thanks," Olivia mumbles, hurrying to keep up with her partner.

She feels a little queasy but she isn't going to let him know that. She just needs to focus on the job. They walk into the apartment of Elise, their rape victim, and Olivia is taken aback when she sees a lot of blood spatters. She hadn't expected that. A trembling victim wrapped in a blanket, yes. But where did all the blood come from? Her stomach flips but she focuses on the young woman on the couch while Elliot checks out the blood and the rest of the apartment.

"Are you injured?" Olivia asks the young woman kindly. "I'm Olivia. Can you tell me if you're bleeding?"

The young woman shakes her head almost imperceptibly.

"Did you injure your attacker Elise?"

"He … he had a bloody nose," Elise tells her quietly.

Olivia glances at all the blood spatters again but her stomach continues to act up and she looks away quickly.

"Seems like a lot of blood for a bloody nose," she muses, searching Elise's face for clues as to what had really happened.

"It happens. My brother had bloody noses all the time when we were kids. It's a … It's a disorder in the blood."

Olivia thinks Elise is awfully defensive but she can't concentrate. She knows she's going to get sick and she can't throw up at a crime scene. She takes a deep breath and tries to focus on the girl again. She can't be much older than twenty.

"If you defended yourself and injured your attacker, that's perfectly alright," she assures Elise. "In fact, it will help us find him."

Olivia looks at the blood again and clutches her abdomen. Elliot has finished his round of the apartment for now and there is concern in his eyes when he walks up to her and Elise.

"You okay?" he mumbles softly.

Olivia wants to nod but the nausea is becoming too much and she jumps up and bolts for the door.

…

 **Like? No like? Let me know in a review!**


	2. Telling Elliot

**Thank you all so much for the kind reviews after chapter 1. I'm not forgetting my other stories, but here's chapter 2 of this one!**

...

 **2\. Telling Elliot**

She still feels a little faint but Olivia insists on going to the hospital with Elliot and Elise. CSU is going over Elise's apartment and the origin of the blood will hopefully be determined soon. Elise has agreed to a rape kit. Her statement about what happened is coming out in bits and pieces and Olivia is glad that Elliot is taking notes. It's like she can't remember a thing aside from the smell of blood and her own vomit.

Olivia had made it outside just in time. It had to be morning sickness. She already knows that the name is misleading, because the sickness doesn't always restrict itself to mornings. She can only hope it will subside soon.

She can feel Elliot's eyes on her and she knows she will have to tell him soon. Not just because it's procedure to tell her boss and coworkers, but because she has a feeling he already suspects something. He knows what a pregnant woman looks and acts like. He went through this three times before with his wife after all.

But they can't talk about it now, with a traumatized victim in tow, and so they continue working side by side. After jotting down most of Elise's statement, Elliot returns to the station to discuss their leads with the rest of the team while Olivia stays with Elise throughout her examination. Elise cries a few times and Olivia just holds her until she can continue. She feels like crying too and she knows she is going to be a hormonal mess for months. She already can't stand the sight or smell of blood and it won't help the victims if a Detective breaks down and cries in front of them. Desk duty may be coming sooner rather than later.

Elise's older sister arrives and after the rape kit is completed, Olivia leaves the girl in the care of her sister. She feels slightly better, just very hungry. She grabs a sandwich at the hospital cafeteria and accepts a ride from an officer back to the precinct.

Elliot is at his desk when she returns and he watches her as she walks in and hangs up her coat.

"Everything go alright with Elise?" he inquires when she sits down at her desk across from him.

"Yeah. Her sister picked her up. I gave them my card. Rape kit should be at the lab by now."

"And you? Feeling better?"

"Yeah. Got a bite to eat. Must be a bug or something," she says, starting up her computer.

"Right," Elliot says and her eyes flick to his.

Elliot leans back in his chair and just looks at her. She feels herself getting warm and she knows she's blushing. When Elliot doesn't stop staring at her, she pushes her chair back abruptly and stands up. She knows she has to tell him but she can't do that here.

Elliot stands up too and looks at her questioningly.

"Cribs," she says, and she walks off without another word, knowing Elliot will follow her.

She has only just plopped down on one of the bottom beds when Elliot closes the door behind him and walks up to her. He sits down next to her and waits. Olivia leans her elbows on her thighs and rubs her hands together nervously. Part of her just wants to make an excuse and tell her partner that she's been feeling sick all weekend, but a bigger part of her wants to tell him about the baby. Elliot isn't just her partner. He's her best friend in the world and she knows he will do whatever he can to support her. He'll become even more protective on the job, but she will just have to learn to live with that. She takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly, mustering up the courage to just blurt it out.

"Just say it, Liv," Elliot says and his quiet understanding and acceptance helps her to speak up.

"I think you've already guessed it," she said, glancing at him sideways. "But I just found out I'm pregnant."

She is surprised to feel Elliot's warm hand on her back, rubbing it soothingly. She sits up and looks at him.

"Are you happy about it?" he asks her, and something tells her he already knows her answer.

"I never planned it but … I actually am, El."

He smiles warmly at her.

"You've always wanted kids."

"Yeah."

Her eyes fill with tears and she makes a helpless gesture with her hands.

"Damned hormones already messing me up," she says, her voice a little shaky, and they both chuckle.

"If you're happy, I'm happy for you, Liv."

She nods, biting her lip to keep it from trembling.

"I know," she whispers.

Elliot pulls her close to him and she wraps her arms around his waist sideways. It feels good to share her news with her best friend and it moves her how supportive he is already. Elliot kisses her temple and asks her,

"So who's the lucky guy?"

Olivia rests her head on Elliot's shoulder. She doesn't really want to talk about her holiday fling. Miguel. He was nice and attentive. Handsome. Getting over an ugly breakup with his girlfriend. She had been alone. It had been a good distraction for both of them, nothing more.

"Just some guy I met at the beach on vacation," she admits. "It wasn't serious."

Elliot rubs the top of her head with his cheek.

"Serious enough not to use protection."

She knows he isn't attacking her but she feels the need to defend herself anyway.

"We did at first but … we got a little too drunk one time and … you know. But he swore he was clean and so am I, so we didn't use protection after that. I just must have forgotten one too many birth control pills. Again."

"Okay."

She can't help wondering what his Catholic heart is telling him about her right now, but she knows he isn't someone who judges others. It's not our place to judge, he usually says, and he lives by that. He will respect anyone who respects his beliefs in return. And she does. She admires him for not losing his faith despite what they are confronted with on a daily basis, and she's said a silent prayer to 'Elliot's God' a few times over the years since they had become partners.

"Are you going to tell him?" Elliot asks her after a minute.

Olivia sits up and they let go of each other.

"Do you think I should?" she asks him.

"Well, I don't know the guy but I think I'd want to know if I was going to be a father."

Olivia shakes her head.

"He isn't going to be a father."

"Technically he is, Liv."

She shakes her head again.

"I'm not going to ask him for anything. It's my baby and I'll take care of it."

The truth is, she is worried that Miguel would want her to get rid of the baby. He'd been very clear about his love for his ex-girlfriend. He was still hoping to win her back. Having a child with another woman wouldn't exactly further that agenda.

"You have some time to think about it," Elliot tells her. "And whatever happens, I'm here for you."

She smiles and feels like crying again.

"Thanks El."

"I'm your partner, for better or worse. Remember?"

She remembers.

…

 **Any opinions? Should Olivia tell her baby daddy?  
PS. Miguel is not an SVU character. I made him up but in my mind, he just happens to look exactly like the singer-songwriter Miguel when he had super short hair and longer curls on top … More soon.**


	3. Telling the others

**3\. Telling the others**

The next hurdle Olivia will need to take is Captain Cragen. It's been two weeks since she's told Elliot and she has been nauseous at work. It's usually short waves of nausea without vomiting, as long as she stays away from blood. But she is having trouble eating because she fears it won't stay in, and has been feeling a little faint for lack of food. Elliot isn't hovering but he is making sure she is comfortable. He has offered to go with her to her first doctor's appointment, which is scheduled in a few days. She will be about eight and a half weeks pregnant then and hopes the doctor will do an ultrasound. It's still so surreal to think that there's a life growing inside her, because she can't feel it yet. And she has started worrying about the baby. What if there's something wrong with it? What if something happens? What if she can't carry it full term?

Elliot is doing everything in his power to reassure her and it does help a little, but seeing her baby will help even more. Just to know it's really there and alive.

And today, she's getting ready to tell her boss. Cragen will have no choice but to tell the chief and she will be put on modified duty. She's less apprehensive about that than she'd expected. Anything for my baby, she had told Elliot a few times. Elliot is coming with her to tell Cragen and it helps her relax. Whatever happens, Elliot will have her back.

"Cap?"

Olivia peeks her head into the Captain's office.

"Olivia. Come on in."

"Thank you sir."

Cragen raises an eyebrow when Elliot walks in after his partner and closes the door.

"You two have something to tell me?" Cragen asks, looking from one Detective to the other as if he had expected them.

"Ah yes," Olivia starts, rubbing her hands on her hips nervously.

She glances at her partner, who gives her an encouraging nod.

"Out with it, then. You two have been acting very weird lately. I guess I should have known this day would come eventually."

Olivia frowns and glances at her partner again. Elliot is staring at their Captain, shaking his head lightly, and it suddenly dawns on Olivia what the Captain must have been thinking.

"Oh no," she says quickly. "I … I just wanted to tell you that … I'm pregnant."

Cragen sinks back in his chair, his mouth hanging open.

"Pregnant?"

"Yes sir. About eight weeks now."

Cragen gives Elliot a hard stare.

"Yours?"

"What?" Olivia gasps.

"No sir," Elliot replies curtly. "And I resent the question."

Cragen looks back at Olivia, who is now staring at him in disbelief and shakes his head.

"I could have sworn …" he mumbles.

"Elliot is a married man, Captain," Olivia says sharply. "That you would think that either one of us would …"

She huffs and doesn't finish her sentence. She is appalled and insulted that their Captain would think Elliot would cheat on his wife, or that she would get involved with a married man. Elliot is standing tall next to her but she knows he's angry with their boss too.

"We just wanted you to know so you can arrange modified duty for Liv," Elliot says tersely. "She's doing alright but I believe we have policy about pregnant police personnel."

"Ehm, yes. Yes, of course we do. I'm … I'm sorry. I mean, you two have always been very close and these past two weeks you were … well ... I'm sorry," Cragen repeats. "I should have known better."

"Yeah, you should have," Elliot gruffs.

Cragen stands up and looks at Olivia again.

"I suppose congratulations are in order."

Olivia can't suppress a smile then.

"Yes. Thank you sir. I'm very happy about it."

Cragen nods and smiles too. She can tell that he is debating asking about the baby's father but to his credit, he doesn't.

"Alright. Just … stay inside for the rest of the day. I'll contact 1PP and get back to you."

The Detectives nod and turn around to leave when Cragen adds,

"And Elliot. I trust you to take good care of her."

Elliot gives him a curt nod.

"Always."

…

"You two look like you're in trouble," Fin remarks, walking up to them when they walk back to their desks.

Munch peers over the rim of his glasses from behind his desk but doesn't comment.

"It's a good kind of trouble," Olivia replies cryptically, and she hears Elliot laughing softly behind her.

She's glad that he is managing to relax somewhat because she knows he's upset that Cragen basically accused him of cheating on his wife. She knows they're exceptionally close as partners and friends, but they would never cross that line and it's insulting to hear their boss just assume that her baby would be Elliot's. Thinking of the blonde, blue-eyed offspring Elliot has produced, she can't help smiling inwardly. There is no way she and Miguel could have blonde babies with blue eyes. Nobody will ever mistake her child for Elliot's once it's born. He or she will have black wavy hair, brown eyes and a beautifully tanned skin. She's already in love with the image of her child.

"Lemme guess, you two are finally gettin' it on?" Fin jokes, but the joke is lost on the already insulted Detectives.

"Hey!" Elliot says sharply, stepping into Fin's personal space. "I would never cheat on my wife, alright? And I wouldn't do that to Liv either, or she to me. She deserves better and I think you owe her an apology."

"Wow, relax man," Fin says, taking a quick step back. "It was just a joke."

"Well, it's not funny. We've had enough of that crap for one day."

Fin looks at Olivia over Elliot's shoulder, a question in his eyes.

"Yeah, we have," Olivia confirms. "But I do have an announcement."

"Here it comes," Munch mumbles, and Olivia looks at him, raising an eyebrow.

Munch just smiles at her and stands up to hear her announcement while Elliot stands next to Olivia.

"I was just in with the Captain to tell him I'm pregnant," she blurts out.

Fin opens his mouth to say something and Elliot raises a finger immediately, warning him silently not to say another word about him and his partner.

"Cap will let us know what she can and can't do on the job, so you guys may be stuck with me for a while," Elliot tells their coworkers.

Fin decides not to say anything else and just walks up to Olivia to give her a hug. Munch does the same and decides to congratulate Elliot as well, telling him,

"Congratulations to you too, Elliot. Looks like you're going to be an uncle."

…


	4. Heartbeat

**After reading some of your comments, I decided to change one line in the previous chapter. You guys are right, Cragen wouldn't be 'sure' of his Detectives having an affair. So I changed his line to "I could have sworn …", which refers to how Olivia and Elliot had been acting since Olivia told Elliot she was pregnant. He mistook their understanding for something else.  
Well, without further ado, let's go see the doctor!**

...

 **4\. Heartbeat**

When Elliot walks into the precinct on the day of Olivia's doctor's appointment, there is a storm in his eyes. He strides over to the coat rack to hang up his coat and then heads over to the coffee maker without a word.

Olivia hasn't slept much, feeling nervous about the appointment, and doesn't think she can handle an angry Elliot today. He is tense and she follows him with her eyes until he sits down across from her. His jaw is set and he doesn't look at her. Before she can ask him what's the matter, she sees Elise wander into the squad room. They haven't solved her rape case yet because the perp's DNA isn't in the system, and Olivia had been too busy with herself to do a follow-up phone call with her. She feels guilty about that now and stands up to greet Elise.

The young woman's eyes are filled with horror and Olivia wraps an arm around her instinctively.

"What is it honey?" she coos, leading her to the family room.

"I saw him!" Elise exclaims. "I saw him at the hardware store!"

Elliot stands up as well, grabbing a notepad and pen, and follows them into the family room.

They talk to Elise for a while and then Elliot heads out with Munch to see if the hardware story has any security camera recordings. Olivia tends to Elise, who is still shaking despite being dressed in multiple layers of clothing, after seeing her attacker so unexpectedly. She was too shocked to see where the man had gone but Olivia assures her that she was very wise to come over right away. She offers to drive Elise home to her sister's and Elise accepts her offer. Olivia checks the time before heading out, hoping she'll be back in time for her doctor's appointment.

…

When she returns to the station a while later, Elliot is already waiting for her.

"We should get going if you wanna be on time," he tells her. "Traffic is a bitch at the moment."

"Yeah, I noticed," Olivia says. "But what do you mean 'we'?"

"I'm coming with you. You shouldn't be doing this alone," Elliot says.

"Says who?" she challenges him instantly. "I know I'm going to be a single parent, Elliot. I'm used to doing everything on my own."

"I know. But you're not doing this alone. I told you I'd be here for you."

Olivia sighs.

"I know El, and I appreciate it a lot. Really. But ... you don't have to hold my hand through the whole thing. Next you're gonna tell me you want to be there when I give birth," Olivia jokes, but when she sees the look on Elliot's face, she realizes that it's actually true.

"El … It's very sweet of you but I'm not sure I'll even want you there. What will Kathy think?"

Elliot tenses up at the mention of his wife's name and he turns away from her to close his desk drawer.

"That doesn't matter," he says tersely. "Now let's go. We can talk on the way."

Olivia gives in and follows her partner out because they really need to get going. She is nervous about the appointment and is actually glad to have some company. But Elliot is very tense and she wonders why.

She glances at him a few times during the drive to the clinic she has chosen and finally asks him,

"Elliot. Please tell me what's going on with you. I don't know how to deal with this right now."

She knows she is exploiting her pregnancy a little to get him to open up to her, but she doesn't care. She _could_ deal with his brooding like she always has; she just doesn't want to.

Elliot sighs and doesn't seem eager to share with her what's bugging him.

"Did I do something wrong?" she asks, although she can't think of anything.

They've been getting along better than ever lately. Elliot is an expert at navigating through her hormonal outbursts and is displaying a level of patience with her that is uncharacteristic of him. He's even helped her clean up when she missed the trash can once, throwing up after seeing blood at the lab. She thinks she's only ever seen him like this with his children. His concern for her is almost fatherly and it is really helping her more than she cares to admit that someone is looking out for her.

But something's been off ever since he came into work this morning.

"I don't want to bother you with my troubles," Elliot tells her.

"I've been bothering you with mine non stop Elliot. I may be pregnant but you can still talk to me, you know."

She can tell Elliot is still clamming up on her and she wonders if it has to do with the rumors flying around the precinct, now that word is getting out that she's pregnant.

"If it's about what people are saying about us, I can take it," she assure Elliot.

"I know," he responds, a little too quickly. "Just … let's just go to your appointment. It's an exciting day for you and I don't want to ruin it with my petty problems."

Olivia sighs. She knows they can't be petty problems if this is Elliot's reaction, but decides to give him a pass for now. Today _should_ be about her and the baby.

…

The Doctor greets them kindly and introduces herself as Camilla Simmons. Olivia takes an instant liking to the woman, who is about ten years older than she is. She bites her lip when the woman asks Elliot innocently if he's the daddy.

Elliot exchanges a glance with her that seems to say 'not again', but he manages a smile.

"No Doctor. I'm a friend."

"My best friend," Olivia adds. "The daddy isn't in the picture."

"How nice of you to support your friend," doctor Simmons says with a warm smile. "Olivia, I've just read the form you filled out with the nurse. You think you're about eight and a half weeks along?"

"Yeah. I was hoping to hear the baby's heart today," Olivia says and the doctor goes to work.

Olivia is a little disappointed when the doppler can't pick up the baby's heartbeat yet, but when the nurse wheels in the ultrasound machine, she can't stop grinning. Seeing her baby will be even better than hearing it. Elliot puts a hand on her shoulder and Olivia squeezes it. She's very happy now that he came along. It's good to share these special moments with someone else.

"This is going to be a little cold," the Doctor announces after asking Olivia to undo her slacks and pull up her shirt, and before squirting some gel on her lower abdomen.

Olivia doesn't care, as long as she gets to see her baby. After a few moments of moving the stick across her belly, the doctor announces,

"And there is little baby Benson."

Olivia's eyes widen when she sees the grey blob in the middle of the screen. There is a tiny flutter in the middle of the blob.

"Is that the heart beating?" she asks, in awe of what she's seeing.

"It is," the Doctor confirms, and Olivia squeezes Elliot's hand tighter.

"Amazing," Elliot whispers, and when Olivia looks up at him, she can see a sheen of tears in his eyes.

"El," she says softly, and he looks down at her.

"That's your baby, Liv," he says, as if he can hardly believe it. "It's a new little person that is half you. It's a miracle."

Their eyes drift back to the screen and Olivia feels like crying a little too. Elliot is right. This new little person is a miracle and she can't tear her eyes away. The doctor takes a few screenshots and measures the baby and then pulls the ultrasound stick away.

"Have you been feeling nauseous at all?" the Doctor asks

"Yes, I have. Usually in the mornings. Sometimes later in the day. But it never lasts long unless I see or smell blood."

Doctor Simmons' eyebrows shoot up but then she seems to remember.

"Oh, right. You're a Detective. Do you get into dangerous situations a lot?"

"Not anymore," she assures the doctor. "I'm not allowed to chase any bad guys for the time being."

"Good. Very good. Are you a Detective too, Mr. Stabler?"

"I am. I'm her partner," Elliot answers, and Olivia can hear a hint of pride in his voice. "I'll make sure she's safe."

Olivia rolls her eyes but bites back her comment that she can take care of herself. Elliot means well and it feels strangely reassuring to have someone look out for her.

…

 **Any ideas what could be bothering Elliot? Isn't he the sweetest best friend you could wish for?**


	5. Not your fault

**5\. Not your fault**

Elliot insists on taking Olivia home before he returns to the station to finish the paperwork on Elise's case. Munch has taken Fin out to follow up on the security footage and he hopes to find out soon who Elise's attacker is.

Olivia decides to take a nap before dinner. She's more tired than she had expected. It was amazing to see her baby for the very first time, and it's become far more real to her now that there is really a brand-new person growing inside her. She clutches the printout the nurse had handed to her and before she dozes off, she tells her baby,

"I love you so much already, little pea. You just keep growing safely inside of me until you're ready to meet your mommy."

…

Three more weeks go by and although Olivia has to stay in on occasion, she is happy that she can still make herself useful interviewing victims, possible witnesses and friends or family of the victims. Just no confrontations with suspects and perps for the time being. Elliot and Munch have been able to pick up Elise's attacker, who appears to be a first time offender from Elise's neighborhood, a loner who couldn't accept it that she wouldn't give him the time of day. The fact that she hadn't even recognized him as someone who lived nearby only underlined how uninterested she had been in him. The man quickly agreed to a plea deal once DNA matched him to Elise's rape kit as well as the blood in her apartment. It had been a bloody nose after all, caused by Elise's fists as she had resisted fiercely until the heavy-set man had flipped her over and raped her from behind.

Olivia feels nauseous at the idea alone.

She has been having trouble eating since nothing appeals to her anymore aside from a craving for sour apples. Apples don't provide enough nutrition for a whole day and on top of that, apples tend to dehydrate the body. Elliot has been trying out different types of food on her, while helping to make sure she drinks enough. He is at her apartment again and while she appreciates his concern, she can't help wondering about his family. And especially about Kathy. Won't she mind that her husband spends so much extra time with his pregnant partner?

When she asks Elliot about it, sitting at her breakfast bar while he is cooking her a meal, Elliot dismisses her quickly.

"It's fine, Liv. Don't worry about it."

"She does know, right? That I'm pregnant, I mean," Olivia presses on.

"Oh yes. She knows," Elliot says, and the tone of his voice suggests there is more to tell.

"What did she say when you told her?" she inquires.

Elliot doesn't look at her but keeps moving some chicken and vegetables around in the skillet.

"El?"

He is worrying his lip as if he's debating what to tell her, and Olivia gets an ominous feeling suddenly. Kathy can't have thought … not her as well?

"Elliot," she says more insistently. "Did she accuse us too?"

His silence tells her all she needs to know and she hops off her stool to round the breakfast bar. She stands next to Elliot and puts a hand on his back, feeling the need to support him.

"Let me talk to her."

"Don't bother," Elliot says. "This is between me and her. It has nothing to do with you."

"Of course it has something to do with me!" Olivia insists.

"I understand that you'd think so Liv, but this is about basic trust between her and me. About there not being enough trust, to be precise. She's always been jealous. Insecure about her looks and wondering if I really wanted to be married to her. Her insecurities have undermined our marriage ever since Kathleen was born. She had a postpartum depression which only made her insecurities worse. It's been going downhill ever since."

Olivia can hardly believe what she's hearing. She'd always thought Kathy had the perfect life. The life she would want to have, even if she doesn't think she would be the stay-at-home mom kind of person.

"But you've been married for twenty years. Kathleen's fifteen now and you had two more children after her. That has to mean something," Olivia thinks out loud.

"I thought so too, Liv. I tried to show her. I really did. But it's just never enough. When she told me to my face that she's always known this day would come, I knew it was over."

"What?" Olivia gasps.

She instantly has a stomach ache. Over? His marriage is over? Because of her?

Elliot drops the spatula in the skillet and turns down the gas. Then he turns around to face her.

"Whatever you're going to concoct up there," he says, tapping her temple with an index finger, "it's not your fault. Got it?"

He looks into her eyes but Olivia is still too stunned to respond. She can't process all of this so quickly.

"Got it, Liv?" he repeats, placing his hands gently on her shoulders. "She flatout accused me of cheating on her. She was 'sure' it had been going on for a while. That's the deal breaker for me, alright? It's basically the last straw and I just can't do this anymore with her. This would have happened eventually, with or without you. She's always feared that I would leave her some day. That she somehow trapped me into marrying her when she ended up pregnant, and that I'd eventually reconsider. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't convince her otherwise."

Elliot sighs and takes a breath before continuing, rubbing her shoulders gently with his thumbs.

"Can you just promise me you won't feel responsible? This is supposed to be a happy time in your life. You just focus on your little pea and let me deal with Kathy. Alright?"

Olivia is still not processing fully, but the mention of her little pea helps to pull her out of her initial shock.

"My little pea," she says, looking down and putting a hand over her stomach, now showing the modest beginning of a bump at almost twelve weeks. "Once people see it, no one in their right mind will think you're the father."

Elliot squeezes her shoulders lightly and she looks up at him again.

"That's beside the point, Liv. My wife doesn't trust me. She never has. That's the bottom line. That's what I'm finally acting on. I can't live like that any longer."

"Are … are you moving out of the house?" she asks him shakily.

"Already have."

"So where have you been staying?"

Elliot shrugs and releases her, turning back to the stove and turning up the gas.

"El?"

"The cribs," he mumbles, and Olivia moves next to him quickly despite the smell of chicken doing something to her stomach.

She puts a hand on his lower back and tells him quietly,

"You don't have to stay in the cribs. You know my couch is better than the average bed. You can stay here until you find a place."

Elliot shakes his head like she knew he would.

"Why not?"

"I don't wanna be in your way. You have enough on your plate with the baby and all."

Olivia chuckles.

"Well, normal people don't usually do this baby thing alone you know."

That makes him look at her again, and he is very serious when he tells her,

"You _are_ normal people, Liv. Don't act like you're weird for being a single parent."

Olivia bites her lip. It's actually very sweet how Elliot is defending her but she doesn't want to make him feel like she's laughing at him so she looks away. And then she tells him honestly,

"I admit that I enjoy having you around, El. I haven't felt like I'm doing it alone yet, and … that feels pretty good."

She feels a strange sense of relief spreading slowly through her senses, knowing Elliot will have even more time to spend with her. But she also feels a pang of guilt about it. She shouldn't be taking him away from his family. When Elliot doesn't respond, she looks at him again and finds him staring into the skillet without moving.

"El?" she asks, touching his arm.

"Yeah," he says, looking a little startled.

"What's wrong?"

She closes her eyes the second she asks the question. What a stupid thing to ask him. His marriage is on the rocks, that's what's wrong. She shouldn't be happy about him spending more time with her when he's going through a rough separation with his wife. There are four kids to consider as well. She can't be selfish now.

"I'm sorry," she starts after a few moments, but Elliot holds up a hand to silence her.

"No Liv, it's alright. I … I enjoy looking out for you as well. I'm actually amazed you're letting me."

They smile at each other and Olivia relaxes a little.

"I'm surprising myself there too," she admits. "I must be having a boy. These hormones are making me a different person."

"A boy huh?" Elliot says, looking down at her hand on her belly. "Maybe."

"You don't think so?"

Olivia knows he has a lot of experience with pregnancies but she can't imagine that he would be able to tell the gender of her baby just by looking at her. She is barely showing yet, aside from needing pants that are two sizes bigger than normal these days.

"Doesn't really matter," Elliot says. "Boy or girl, this Benson is going to be a badass."

…

 **A/N: Several of you guessed correctly what was bothering Elliot. Soooo … any thoughts?**


	6. Trust

**I want to keep this story written completely from Olivia's point of view, so I hope you can all read between the lines and 'read' Elliot here … It's a challenge but I don't shy away from challenges! :) Writing short chapters for this one to keep it going. Enjoy!**

...

 **6\. Trust**

Olivia is making a very brave attempt at cooking a meal to 'celebrate' Elliot's arrival. He's made it crystal clear that he doesn't want to discuss the state of his marriage with her any further, and will focus on making a positive change in his life. She and her little pea are a perfect distraction for him and after a few days of encouragement, he has now finally left to get his things from the station and a few extra sets of clothes from Queens. They've discovered that plain pasta is one of the few foods that doesn't make Olivia feel sick instantly and she's trying her hand at the simplest recipe she could find for spaghetti and meatballs. The sauce will be just for Elliot while she'll only have the pasta, meatballs and a few pickles. The meal is just about ready when she hears Elliot's token knock on her door.

She walks over to open it, ready to tell him he can use his key from now on, but when she sees the haunted look in his eyes, the words die on her tongue.

"What's wrong?" she gasps, opening the door wide so he can come in with his luggage.

He's brought more than she had expected. Elliot just shakes his head and comes in, carrying one overnight bag over his shoulder, another bag in one hand, a suitcase in the other hand and two suit covers dangling off his arm.

"Did you bring everything at once?" Olivia inquires, a little surprised.

Elliot sighs and sets down the suitcase before draping the suit covers over it.

"She tossed everything outside in the front yard."

"Oh my."

Olivia stands closer to her partner and puts a hand on his arm.

"And she's poisoned the kids against me. And you."

She suddenly feels cold. Elliot's family life is imploding because of her pregnancy. None of this should have been about Elliot at all. Just about her, finally becoming a mother. She can't believe how easily people are just assuming her child must be Elliot's. It's infuriating and totally unfair. She cares deeply for Elliot but she's always made sure to keep him at arm's length, not wanting to fan any flames that might ignite between them. Elliot has been the same and this is the thanks he gets? It angers her and she has a mind to drive over to Queens right away and give Kathy a piece of her mind.

"I don't know what to say, El," she says. "I just wanna punch her."

That elicits a small chuckle from Elliot, but she can see he's hurting deeply.

"I can do without her Liv, but the kids …"

He shakes his head and Olivia doesn't remember ever seeing her partner so defeated.

"I know you don't want me to butt in but will you at least let me talk to Maureen?" Olivia asks.

Maureen has just turned nineteen and she expects that the young woman will listen to reason. She can see Elliot is torn and she decides that she will talk to Maureen, whether Elliot agrees or not. It's the least she can do. His kids shouldn't hate him for something he hasn't done.

She helps her new roommate haul his luggage into her bedroom, where she's cleared a section of her closet for him. She suggests they eat first before unpacking.

Elliot compliments her on the food but she can tell he's miles away. It looks like they will be supporting each other for a while and in a way, Olivia is glad she can do something for Elliot to thank him for all his help and support with her pregnancy. It's ironic that that same pregnancy is now driving a wedge between him and his family, however unfairly. She knows she won't be able to relax and enjoy Elliot's company until she's done everything she can to reunite him with his children.

…

She knows Elliot hasn't slept well this first night on her couch but he's putting up a brave front. He's discovered that Olivia likes yogurt when he puts slices of her beloved sour apples in it, so when she walks out of her bedroom, already dressed for the day, her breakfast is ready for her.

"Yogurt with apple and a touch of oatmeal, and fresh orange juice," Elliot tells her, setting a glass down next to her bowl. "A completely sour breakfast, just the way you like it."

"Thank you," she says quietly, sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Did you hear me tossing and turning?" Elliot asks while buttering his toast. "I didn't mean to keep you awake."

"It's alright. I guess this will take some getting used to for both of us. But for what it's worth, I'm glad you're here."

Elliot smiles a real smile at her and the warmth in his eyes feels like a soft blanket draped around her shoulders.

"I'm glad to be here too," he tells her, and they stare into each others' eyes for just a little longer than is comfortable.

Olivia is the first to clear her throat and look down at her breakfast. She grabs her spoon and digs in, ignoring the weird thing her stomach is doing. It must be the idea of eating, she tells herself. Yes. That must be it. Elliot turns away from her as well to finish preparing his own breakfast. She notices he hasn't used any bacon and she's grateful. He knows she can't eat while smelling sausages or bacon.

When they head out for work half an hour later, they switch to professional mode effortlessly. Olivia hadn't really expected it to be a problem to start their day together and then go to work, but she hadn't been sure about Elliot's frame of mind. She knows he's worried about his children and he misses them. Kathy hadn't even let him come into the house to kiss them goodnight.

Olivia is planning to visit Maureen in college later today. Laying awake, she's had enough time to think about what she's going to tell the young woman. She regrets not keeping any of the pictures of Miguel on her phone now. She thinks it might help to show Maureen who the father of her baby is, but she'll just have to take her word for it for now. Elliot can't lose his kids because of his wife's insecurity and paranoia.

Thinking of Miguel, she wonders again if she should tell him about the baby or not. She doesn't want to burden him with it, and once he knows, he can never unknow it. On the other hand, what will she tell her child later on in life, when they start asking about their father? How will they feel if she admits that she's never bothered to tell him about them? Maybe Miguel will want nothing to do with the child, but doesn't he at least deserve the opportunity to decide for himself?

Part of her is afraid to tell him for a completely different reason. What if Miguel _does_ want to be involved? What if he demands shared custody and forces her to ship her child out to Florida every other week? What kind of life will she be giving her child then?

She suppresses a frustrated sigh and glances up at her partner, who is working diligently on his files at his desk. He looks up too, as if he can feel her eyes on him and she offers him a small smile. Why have their lives suddenly become so complicated?

Olivia moves one hand underneath her desk and rubs her growing belly lovingly.

She doesn't regret this child. Complicated or not, she will never regret having this baby. It's hers and she loves it so much already. She knows Elliot doesn't blame her for his situation and that's worth a lot. She looks at her partner more attentively and smiles again when he winks at her. Kathy is a fool. She could have had it all. She could have all of this wonderful man. He's never done anything to betray her trust and yet she couldn't trust him.

Trust is a big thing. It's enormous. And she knows she's lacking trust when it comes to Miguel. She isn't ready to hand over the controls of a big part of her life to someone else. Not when she isn't sure if she can trust that person.

…

 **To be continued …**


	7. Maureen

**7\. Maureen**

"Olivia."

The young woman's eyes widen in shock when her father's work partner suddenly pops up next to her while she's walking from her last class to her dorm. She stops walking and just looks at the brunette, at a loss for words.

"Maureen, I didn't mean to ambush you like this but we need to talk," Olivia explains.

Maureen glances around her and Olivia tells her that her father isn't with her.

"I hear you're pregnant," Maureen says neutrally, eyeing Olivia's long coat.

"That is correct, Maureen. And _I_ hear that someone's been jumping to conclusions that couldn't be further from the truth."

"And you've come to me to set things straight? Is that it?"

Olivia can tell that Maureen is making an effort to stay polite, but her blue eyes can't conceal her unrest and anger about her parents' situation.

"Do you have a minute?" Olivia asks. "And somewhere we can talk privately?"

Maureen purses her lips and nods.

"Alright. I'm headed to my room. I think my roommate has another class now."

Olivia follows Maureen to her dorm. She checked Maureen's schedule at the administration's office, claiming she's there on police business and she's gotten away with the lie. She is here on behalf of a police officer, even if Elliot doesn't know about it so it was only half a lie, she's decided.

Maureen gestures at her desk chair after they've entered her room, and plops down on her bed after putting her backpack on the floor.

"Please. Sit."

Olivia sits down on the desk chair and turns it so she's facing Elliot's oldest daughter - the child he married her mother for when they found out she was on the way.

"Now I don't know what your mother _or_ your father have told you and your brother and sisters," Olivia begins straight away, "but I need you to know that there is absolutely nothing going on between your father and me. There never has been. He is not the father of my baby and frankly, I find it very insulting for people to suggest otherwise. He's a married man and has always been faithful to your mother. I can't just stand by and do nothing when I see him getting hurt over something he has absolutely nothing to do with."

Maureen is quiet and just looks at her for a few long moments. Olivia knew going in that it wouldn't be an easy talk but she feels she has to be blunt about it. Maureen is old enough to see things for what they truly are. She isn't prepared for Maureen's next words though.

"Mom's always been jealous of your beauty."

Her words contain so much, and confirm to Olivia that Maureen knows what has been going on between her parents. Now she just needs to believe that Elliot has done nothing wrong.

"Dad used to tell her she was beautiful all the time, Maureen continues. "At first I thought it was sweet, but after a while, I thought it was getting a bit pathetic."

Maureen shakes her head sadly.

"And then _you_ came along."

"Maureen, I _never_ …" Olivia starts, but Maureen shakes her head and holds up a hand, stopping Olivia in her tracks.

"I'll believe you never wanted to, Olivia. But things happen."

"Not between your father and me. Ever."

"Do you expect me just to take your word for it?"

Olivia licks her lips and chooses her next words carefully. She's not here for herself after all. She's here for Elliot.

"I would hope you know your father well enough to know he's not the cheating kind. Everything he's ever done has been for you. For his family."

Maureen nods and Olivia can only hope that means she agrees with her about Elliot.

"So tell me, who _is_ the father of your baby?"

Olivia had expected that question. She knows the truth won't exactly paint her in a favorable light with Maureen, but she doesn't really care. What matters is, that Maureen will see that her father is not to be blamed for anything.

"I took a long overdue vacation last July. I went to Miami and ran into a guy on the beach who was getting over breaking up with his girlfriend. We hit it off and had a fling. Afterwards we went our separate ways and six weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant."

Maureen stares at her and she can see the girl debating in her head if she should believe her or not.

"What's his name?"

"Miguel."

"Last name?"

Olivia bites her lip.

"Maureen … I haven't told him yet."

She can't have the young woman trying to find Miguel to verify her story when she hasn't even told him about the baby yet. When Maureen frowns, her blue eyes trained on her face, she continues.

"I know this looks bad. And maybe you'll think I'm a slut for sleeping with a man I only met a few days earlier, but it's the truth. I'm only human too Maureen, and I'm always alone so I have casual sex sometimes. You can think of me what you want but just … don't let your father suffer because of a decision _I_ made. He has always been faithful to your mother. Always. He's the most loyal, principled man I know."

She's making sure not to make any negative comments about Kathy, although she wants to say something. But Maureen focuses on something else instead.

"You should tell that guy you're having his baby."

"You think so?"

Maureen nods again.

"If there really is a guy out there, then yes. I think he should know he's going to be a father."

Olivia shakes her head automatically.

"He's not going to be a father. I told your dad this too. I'm not going to ask him for anything. I'm having this baby on my own and I'll take care of it."

"What did dad say?" Maureen asks, and Olivia can tell that Maureen is beginning to open up just a little to the possibility that her father may be innocent in the matter.

"Your dad said that he would want to know if he was going to be a father."

"That sounds like him."

Olivia bobs her head and studies the young woman's face. She is pensive and looks exactly like her father when he is deep in thought. Olivia knows that she is getting through to Maureen and can't resist the urge to add,

"Your father was deeply hurt when your mom accused him of cheating on her. For him, it was the last straw after years of trying everything he could think of to prove to her that he loves her. It just was never enough to take away her insecurities and this … this accusation broke him. Basically, it's made him give up. He keeps saying it's not my fault but you can imagine I feel partly responsible, can't you?"

"If dad didn't cheat on mom with you and this baby isn't his, you are not responsible," Maureen states flatly, almost as if she's reading it from a piece of paper. "I need some time to think about this."

"Ortega," Olivia blurts out, and she takes a shaky breath. "His name is Miguel Ortega and he's from Tampa, Florida. I'd show you a picture if I had one but I deleted them from my phone after I got home from my vacation. Just … don't contact him, alright? Not until I've spoken with him myself."

"Are you going to?"

Olivia sighs. She still hasn't made her mind up. And so she tells Maureen honestly,

"I don't know yet."

"What's stopping you?"

Olivia's stomach clenches at the thought of what's stopping her. What's _really_ stopping her. It's the first time she's putting it into words when she tells Maureen,

"I'm terrified that he'll try to take my baby away from me."

…


	8. Hormones

**8\. Hormones**

" _I'm terrified that he'll try to take my baby away from me."_

Her fear is real and Olivia can tell that the younger woman is picking up on it. But Maureen is still confused and asks her,

"But if this baby isn't his, why has dad moved in with you?"

Olivia focuses on Maureen again, trying to shake off the unrest she is feeling about Miguel possibly taking her child away from her. It does make some sense that the kids would think Elliot had something to do with her pregnancy if they think he's promptly moving in with her.

"He hasn't exactly moved in with me," she explains. "He'd been sleeping at the office for weeks before he even told me he had moved out of the family house. I offered him my couch because he can't spend all his time at work. It's not healthy."

Maureen is taking in everything Olivia is telling her, and Olivia counts it as a win.

"So he's not staying with you indefinitely?" Maureen asks.

Olivia wonders how honest she can be with Elliot and Kathy's daughter, but when Maureen asks whether her father is looking for another place to stay, she decides that complete honesty is the way to go.

"Well, to be honest, it won't be easy for him to find an affordable place as long as he's still paying for the house in Queens as well."

Maureen bites her lip and thinks about what Olivia has just told her. She's a smart young woman, and after a few moments she states,

"So they will need to sell the house."

"It would be fair," Olivia agrees. "Your dad will still be paying child support but at least both your parents can find somewhere cheaper to live. I assume part of the mortgage has already been paid off so they'd both have some money to start over."

"Mom won't want to sell it," Maureen says with certainty.

"Then maybe she needs to talk to your father."

Maureen scoffs.

"She won't. You know, she never even questioned her own version of things. She just announced one day that dad was leaving all of us because he'd decided to start a new family with you. He didn't need his old family anymore. None of us wanted to believe it at first but …"

Maureen bows her head, shaking it lightly.

"We never even bothered to ask dad about it. I guess we all didn't really think it was that unbelievable."

Olivia shakes her head too, realizing that even Elliot's children seemed to think there had been something brewing between them. Before she could respond to Maureen's words, Maureen added,

"I'm sorry Olivia. I guess that's pretty bad. I mean … we love dad. We should have trusted him, or at least talked to him. But mom was so final about it. The twins are only ten so I guess they believe whatever mom says. Kathleen was furious but I think she misses dad more than anyone."

"And you?"

Maureen sighs.

"Part of the reason I'm now living on campus has to do with the tensions at home. I try to keep my distance. I do miss my family and I go home every weekend. It's not the same since dad left but to be honest, he was away a lot before, too."

"Well, if you want to see him, you're always welcome at my place Maureen. I know it would mean a lot to your father to talk to you and your brother and sisters."

Maureen studies Olivia's face and Olivia doesn't look away. She has nothing to hide. She's here for Elliot.

"His birthday is coming up in two weeks," Maureen says quietly.

"I know."

The young woman bites her lip and then tells Olivia,

"I'll talk to Kathleen."

…

Elliot hadn't asked her where she'd been when Olivia had returned to the station. They've been going out separately more these days, since Olivia can't come along when a suspect or perp is involved. Elliot was on a stakeout with Fin most of the day so she managed to get away undetected. She's content with her talk with Maureen and knows she's gotten through to the eldest of the Stabler girls.

A week goes by without any further contact with Maureen. When Elliot wraps up his paperwork for the day, they look at each other, and a warm feeling spreads throughout Olivia's body when she realizes they are going to be going home together again. Since they work separately more they've come home at different hours, but when they leave work together, it's almost as if it's the most normal thing in the world for them. As if they're supposed to be together like this.

"We uhm … I was thinking of getting some groceries on the way," Elliot starts hesitantly and she wonders if he's been thinking the same thing.

Olivia gives him a wide smile and they both stand up to get their coats.

"Sounds good. Do I get a say in what we're getting?" Olivia asks.

"Of course," Elliot says, now smiling as well.

"I think I'd like some Chinese," Olivia says.

She surprises both of them, because she hadn't been able to stand the smell of Chinese food for a while. But she is now in the beginning of her second trimester, so maybe her taste and appetite are changing. She certainly hopes they are because she hadn't exactly planned to be losing weight like she has.

Elliot eyes her curiously for a moment but he's still smiling.

"We could give it a go," he says as they start walking out of the squad room, and she can tell he's looking forward to the food already.

"Maybe I'll let you have your own egg rolls this time," Olivia quips and they're still smiling when they reach the elevator.

"Let's pick up some yogurt too, just in case," Elliot suggests, and Olivia finds it endearing how he's always trying to make sure she eats.

"Okay. And some lemon syrup," she adds.

"Sour stuff it is," Elliot declares as they enter the elevator.

…

Olivia is very happy to announce that the Chinese food tastes absolutely delicious.

"I think I'm going to be putting on some serious weight from now on," she states. "It's all gone and I'm still hungry."

Elliot leans back against the couch and smiles at her contently. They're both sitting cross-legged in front of the couch, with their food cartons scattered on the coffee table.

"If you eat any more, you're gonna puke," he tells her, and he's probably right.

Hungry isn't the right word. This must be what all those women call a craving. She feels like she could just eat and never stop.

"How about dessert?" Elliot suggests, and before she can begin to get up from the floor, he stands up quickly and holds out his hand.

"You're going to have to start watching how you move, Liv," he tells her by way of explanation.

Olivia huffs and swats his hand away. She is still perfectly capable of getting up from the floor and scrambles to her feel quickly. Elliot just laughs softly as he walks off to get their dessert from the fridge.

"What is it?" Olivia asks, following him and leaning on the breakfast bar.

"Just something me and Fin picked up earlier."

"You and _Fin_? I've been meaning to ask you how that's going but I guess you're finally bonding a bit?"

Elliot wiggles his head and glances at her while he puts two cups in front of her on the bar.

"We've decided that we can get along, since we have one thing in common."

"One thing? What's that?" Olivia asks, her curiosity piqued.

"You," Elliot tells her and she looks at him with wide eyes.

"Me?"

Elliot nods and hands her a spoon.

"Yep. We both want you to be safe and sound, and happy with your little pea. Turns out that's enough for us to bond over."

Olivia suddenly feels a little emotional and curses her pregnancy hormones. But it's so sweet that her coworkers, who are also her best friends, care about her so much. They're like the family she never had and it moves her deeply.

Elliot dips his head to make her look at him.

"You okay?" he asks softly.

Olivia nods and shrugs.

"Stupid hormones. They make me cry over everything and nothing."

Elliot reaches for her hand that's not holding the spoon and covers it with his.

"It's okay. You don't have to bottle everything up when you're pregnant. It's the perfect excuse."

Olivia chuckles and swallows hard, trying to swallow the lump in her throat as well as shake off her reaction to Elliot's warm hand covering hers.

"Excuse?" she mumbles.

Elliot retracts his hand and somehow her hand suddenly feels a little colder. She wraps it around her dessert and looks at Elliot, waiting for his response to her mumbled question.

"Yeah," Elliot says very seriously while tearing off the lid of his dessert. "We're so used to keeping it all inside because of what we do but … maybe we shouldn't. And you get to blame your hormones for the time being."

He glances up at her to gauge her reaction but she's at a loss for words.

"You goin' soft on me Stabler?" she manages to push past her lips and he grins as if understanding that she's not exactly ready to let it all out.

"Maybe your pink baby cloud is rubbing off on me a bit," he jokes.

She smiles and shakes her head, grateful that he's lightening the mood, and finally looks at her dessert more attentively.

"What is it?" she asks Elliot.

"Lemon cheesecake ice cream."

Olivia tears off the lid and scoops some ice cream up with her spoon. Elliot watches expectantly for her reaction. When the cold, sweet and sour substance hits her senses, Olivia can't suppress a low moan. She takes another scoop and closes her eyes, moaning softly again while letting her taste buds enjoy the delicious combination of sweet and sour.

"That good huh?" Elliot asks and when she looks at him, he looks away quickly. He almost seems a little flustered but before she can wonder about it, he quips,

"If that's your reaction to this stuff, I think I'm buying more tomorrow!"

…

 **Ah, a little fluff goes a long way. And we still have a long way to go … Reviews are life!**


	9. Birthday

**A/N 1: sorry for the long wait but I decided to complete my other stories one by one, so I could focus on this one exclusively after that. That time has come now so get ready for regular updates again!**

 **A/N 2: In case you don't remember where we left off exactly - Olivia's pregnant but her baby daddy doesn't know it yet. Kathy has kicked Elliot out, assuming the baby is his. Elliot doesn't blame Olivia but Olivia has spoken with Maureen. Elliot's birthday is coming up.**

 **A/N 3: I know I'm taking liberties with the timelines of the ADA's but I couldn't have the whole Cabot tragedy take place in this story - and certainly not at this point in the story - so I had Casey already there before, and Cabot still working in New York for now, but no longer directly with the SVU. I'm sure you won't mind!**

...

 **9\. Birthday**

She wants his birthday to be special. But how can it be special without his kids? Olivia hasn't heard from Maureen and she knows there is no guarantee any of the kids will contact their father on his birthday. So she is going to have to put in some effort to make it a special day for Elliot.

The team is all in and it warms Olivia's heart. She considers her unit family and they're stepping up for Elliot as well, to be his family now that he is away from his children. Fin knows a caterer and has promised to be on time and to bring 'the works' - whatever that means - including a cake with 37 candles. Alex Cabot has arrived to help Olivia decorate the apartment while Munch and Cragen are making sure Elliot doesn't come home too early. Melinda isn't sure she can make it but will try to drop by later.

Elliot had tried to be cheerful when Olivia had surprised him that morning with a little cupcake with a candle on top, but she had seen the sadness in his eyes. His birthday has always been a family occasion and while he enjoys her company, it's not the same.

Cragen has sent her home early and he's promised to tell Elliot that she's just tired, nothing serious, and she'd completed her paperwork anyway. Otherwise, he'd be calling her by now or even come home to check on her, and they don't need him there now. It would spoil the surprise.

"Benson! A little help here!" she hears ADA Cabot yell, and when she sees the tall blonde balancing on a chair, trying to hang a Happy Birthday banner as high as possible along the wall, Olivia hurries over to her friend to hold her steady.

"There. Finally," Alex sighs after securing the banner, and Olivia helps her down.

"Thank you so much. I would never have been able to reach that."

"You shouldn't even be trying in your position, mommy," Alex says sternly, but then the two friends smile widely at each other.

Alex has been very supportive, after getting over the initial shock of not being the first to know about Olivia's pregnancy. The women don't see each other as often as they used to since Casey Novak took over as the lead ADA for the SVU, but they're keeping in touch. After getting shot on the job, Alex had decided that she wanted to work in the background for a while, while she is in therapy to deal with what had happened. Olivia respects that and they've been meeting up outside of work for coffee.

"Don't coddle me, Alex. I'm pregnant. Not sick," Olivia says, but she appreciates Alex's concern.

"You'd better keep this little one healthy Liv," Alex tells her. "We're up to our eyeballs in kids with problems on the job, so it'll be great to be a part of a baby's life that doesn't have any issues."

Olivia huffs and turns away from her friend to grab another roll of streamers.

"We'll have to wait and see about that," she mutters.

Alex stands next to her and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey hey. Where did that come from?" she asks.

Olivia shrugs, trying to shake it off as nothing, but when Alex insists she tell her what's bothering her, she admits,

"There's still the daddy thing, remember?"

"Have you decided yet if you're going to tell him?"

Alex knows about Miguel and her fears of possibly having to share custody of her child with him. Olivia shakes her head.

"Not yet. Elliot keeps telling me there will be time enough to tell him. It's not like he's missing out on anything now, because he's not seriously interested in me."

Olivia can't picture Miguel going with her to her doctor's appointments, holding her hand and feeling her belly to see if he can feel the baby moving already. She hasn't even felt it move herself, but that hasn't stopped Elliot from trying to make contact with little pea from time to time. He even talks to her baby, convinced that he or she can understand every word. In fact, he had a serious conversation with her child just last night.

" _Are you sure little pea can even hear anything at this point?" Olivia giggles when Elliot puts his ear against her stomach to listen for an answer, as he calls it._

" _Probably not, but I'm sure he can feel the love," Elliot answers._

 _Olivia puts her hand on Elliot's head and moves it to his neck while he pretends to listen to her baby talk._

" _Is that right, little pea? I should feed your mommy some more ice cream so you can have some too? I'll get right to it."_

"Earth to Olivia?"

Olivia blinks and looks up at her friend.

"What?"

"Where'd you go?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Alex sighs and folds her arms in front of her chest.

"Benson, you were miles away after telling me the guy isn't interested in you. Don't tell me you have actual feelings for your baby daddy. Because if you do, you should tell him about the baby immediately and demand that he be part of your lives! It's his as much as it is yours."

"Please don't say that," Olivia whispers.

She isn't sure what Alex is alluding to, that she would have feelings for Miguel, but she doesn't want to hear that her child is his as well. It is hers and she's felt possessive about it from the beginning.

Alex raises an eyebrow and studies Olivia's face.

"Well, it's the truth. You didn't conceive it on your own Liv. But if that idea is so horrific for you, what's with the dreamy look just now?"

Olivia finally understands and bites her lip. She hadn't been thinking about Miguel but about Elliot. But she can't tell Alex that. The blonde will immediately jump to conclusions that are completely baseless. She just spends a lot of time with Elliot now, so it's only logical that she thinks of him regularly. Isn't it? Besides, Elliot is a very experienced parent. It makes sense that this is easier for him than it would be for Miguel.

She knows Alex isn't going to let this go easily so she'll have to make up an excuse for her brief lapse.

"I … I just thought I felt the baby moving but I guess it was just gas," she blurts out.

Alex gives her a suspicious look but seems to accept her answer, for now. Olivia shakes her head and points at the few remaining balloons.

"Could you inflate those for me please?"

They finish decorating the apartment quietly and everything is ready on time. Fin is just finishing putting all the snacks in the kitchen when they hear keys in the door.

"He's here!" Alex whispers loudly to Fin, who quickly steps out of the kitchen to join the women as the welcoming committee.

Elliot walks into the apartment and his jaw drops when he sees all the decorations and hears his friends shout,

"Congratulations!"

"What the …" he mumbles, but he can't really keep a grin from forming on his face.

"Ah guys, you really shouldn't have," he starts, but then a hand claps him on the shoulder and Munch and Cragen step in behind him.

Olivia loves the surprised look on his face and the sound of his laughter when he realizes he's just stepped into his own birthday party. After everyone has finished congratulating him, Elliot stands in front of Olivia.

"Your doing, right?" he asks her softly and she nods.

"We're your family too, El," she states, knowing he will know what she means.

Elliot swallows and then nods.

"Thank you."

Olivia rubs his arm and then gestures around.

"I hope you like it."

"I do," Elliot says softly and the tone of his voice makes her look back up at him.

The sadness she'd seen this morning isn't gone yet, but she sees a different emotion in his eyes now too, one she can't quite name. Is it … tenderness?

"Yo El!" Fin shouts, breaking up their little moment. "You want coffee first of should we break out the good stuff!"

Elliot laughs out loud and it's music to Olivia's ears. He walks over to Fin and she turns to greet Munch and Cragen, telling them to sit and enjoy themselves. Elliot announces that he's going to freshen up a bit and when he comes back into the festive room, he seems happy. It warms Olivia's heart that she's been able to do something for Elliot to make his birthday special after all. He loves his birthday cake, although he complains a little about the number of candles, and Olivia swears she sees him get a little emotional when opening his gifts. He hadn't expected anything to happen today and now the apartment where he's staying is filled with light and laughter. Fin has taken on the task of playing some music for them and Munch is tending bar behind her kitchen counter. Even Melinda shows up around eight and it takes a while for Olivia to register the sound of another knock on the door over all the noise.

"More visitors?" Elliot asks her when he sees her walk up to the door.

"Looks like it."

Olivia looks through the peephole and her heart skips a beat. She whips back around and beckons Elliot to come to the door.

"It's for you," she says breathlessly and Elliot frowns.

She knows her face is betraying her but she wants him to open the door for this particular guest.

"What's going on?" Elliot mumbles.

"Just open the door."

"Alright."

Elliot opens the door while Olivia takes a step back. She hears him gasp when he sees who has come to visit him on his birthday.

"Maureen."

…

 **Dun dun!**


	10. Daughters

**10\. Daughters**

 _Elliot opens the door while Olivia takes a step back. She hears him gasp when he sees who has come to visit him on his birthday._

" _Maureen."_

…

"Hi daddy."

Elliot steps forward to hug his oldest daughter and then his second child appears behind her sister.

"Kathleen!"

He spreads his arms wider and both girls walk into their father's embrace.

"Happy birthday daddy," Olivia hears the girls mumble.

Elliot is at a loss for words and holds his daughters close. Olivia feels a lump forming in her throat. Elliot's birthday party has just become almost perfect. She retreats into the living room to inform the others of the arrival of the two Stabler girls and they all give Elliot some space to talk to his children. Fin puts on a happy song and Alex pulls Munch from behind the kitchen counter to dance with him. Melinda stands close to Olivia and touches her arm briefly.

"Did you know they were coming?" the ME asks her softly.

Olivia shakes her head.

"No. I had hoped that Maureen would at least call but I hadn't heard from her. I'm so happy for El that she came, and Kathleen too."

Their friends know about the situation with Kathy by now, which is why they have all made an effort to make Elliot's birthday a happy occasion. After a few minutes together in the hallway, Elliot comes in with his daughters. His eyes find Olivia's immediately and she can see gratitude as well as a sheen of tears in them. She smiles at him and then at the girls. Maureen walks up to the Captain to greet him while Kathleen approaches Olivia a little hesitantly. Olivia turns her attention to the 15-year old.

"Hi Olivia," Kathleen says, and she sounds more timid than she usually is.

Her pale blue eyes sweep Olivia's form, probably looking for proof of her pregnancy and Olivia stands up straight to show off the beginnings of her baby bump under her wide blouse.

"Hi Kathleen. I'm so glad you decided to come today."

Kathleen nods and bites her lower lip.

"So you're not in love with our dad?"

Olivia blinks at the blunt question. And a difficult question at that. She decides to work around it and tell Kathleen what she thinks the girl needs to hear.

"I'm not involved or sleeping with your father, Kathleen. My baby isn't his. He had nothing to do with it."

Kathleen's bright eyes flick up from her abdomen to Olivia's face. For a moment, she worries that the girl will call her out because she hasn't really answered the question. She has always kept Elliot at arm's length, not wanting to allow any kinds of feelings towards him to grow because he's married. She always thought she had succeeded in keeping Elliot strictly in the friend zone but Kathleen's direct question makes her heart beat in a way she isn't prepared for. _In love_ seems like such a heavy expression, and she supposes it is. She loves Elliot as a friend, but is she in love with him? She has tried to keep that question from entering her mind and she's a little shocked to hear someone simply ask her out loud. And it's Elliot's daughter no less.

Kathleen seems satisfied with her answer for now though, but the girl's next remark doesn't exactly ease the tension.

"Mom says she's sure about you and dad."

Olivia takes a few seconds, trying to determine how much honesty a 15-year old can take about her own mother, but before she can say anything, Kathleen takes the opportunity to continue.

"She's really insecure you know. She thinks she's ugly."

Apparently Kathleen can take a lot of honesty.

"Your mother isn't ugly, Kathleen," Olivia sputters.

Kathleen laughs humorlessly.

"You should try telling her that. You're pregnant and you still look like an Italian moviestar."

"But that doesn't mean …"

"I know, I know. It's not just about the looks and I guess I know dad wouldn't be that shallow but …"

Kathleen bites her lip and Olivia moves closer to the girl instinctively while the other guests are trying not to listen in. She puts a hand on Kathleen's upper arm.

"What, Kathleen? Just tell me."

Kathleen takes a deep breath and blows it out quickly.

"Well. You gotta admit you and dad are close. I mean like, _really_ close."

Olivia's eyes drift to Elliot automatically. He sitting on the couch between Cragen and Maureen and Maureen is just handing him an envelope.

"We are," she tells Kathleen, because it's the truth.

"Anyone would be insecure if the man they loved had a close friend like you."

Olivia's eyes flick back to the Stabler girl.

"Not if they trusted that man," she blurts out before thinking about it.

Kathleen frowns.

"He's only human, Olivia. People make mistakes."

Olivia clenches her jaw, trying to suppress the urge to defend Elliot against his own daughter. She finally decides to tell Kathleen,

"Of all the mistakes your father may have made in his life, infidelity isn't one of them. And I think that deep down, you know that too. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here."

Kathleen stares at her for a moment and then cracks a little smile. She nods and glances at her father and sister. Olivia reaches out and touches Kathleen's shoulder.

"And I'm so glad you came, honey. Your dad really misses you kids."

Kathleen nods again and her smile widens a bit.

"I miss him too."

"So go talk to him. And don't be a stranger after tonight?"

"Okay."

And with that, she quickly walks back to her father, who pulls her into his lap while looking down at the paper he's just pulled out of the envelope. Olivia can tell how moved Elliot is and she has to turn away to keep her own emotions from bubbling over. Alex catches her eyes and smiles at her.

"Damned hormones," Olivia mutters and Alex laughs out loud.

The blonde knows her better than that.

They all enjoy the party and each other's company and Olivia loves how relaxed everyone is, including Elliot. After a while, Olivia gets tired, and Captain Cragen makes room for her on the couch, announcing that he's calling it a night.

"It's still early Cap," Fin tries, but their boss assures them that he's going to take advantage of their night off to get a good night's sleep for once.

"And aside from Olivia, I'm expecting all of you back at work bright and early," he admonishes his other three detectives and Munch takes that as his cue to push the Captain out of the apartment.

Olivia has been allowed to come in a little later and while she doesn't want to take advantage too much of her condition, she appreciates the Captain's thoughtfulness. After he'd basically accused them of having an affair, she feels like he's trying to make up for it by giving both her and Elliot some leeway on the job. She has to admit that she's tired, having been on her feet all day, but she plans on coming in with her partner in the morning.

"I think I'm going to turn in soon," she remarks, speaking to no one in particular.

"Kathleen and I need to get going as well," Maureen pipes up.

Elliot walks his daughters to the door but Maureen makes eye contact with Olivia, who stands up, sensing the young woman wants to say something to her.

"Thanks for that talk the other day, Olivia," Maureen says quietly. "And thanks for taking such good care of our dad."

Olivia smiles warmly at Maureen and Kathleen.

"It's my job," she states simply and after one last look of understanding, the girls leave so Maureen can get Kathleen back home to Queens.

The others don't stay long after that and in the end, Olivia still hasn't gone to bed when it's just the two of them again. Melinda and Munch have helped them clean up so all that is left to do is turn on the dishwasher.

"We'll take down the decorations tomorrow," Olivia says, gesturing around her.

"Alright," Elliot says, sitting back down on the couch. "Sit with me before you go to sleep?"

Olivia complies and watches her partner's profile. He seems deep in thought but when he turns his head to look at her, she can see several emotions swirling in his eyes.

"What El?" she asks softly.

"Did you see what the girls got me?" he asks.

"No. I didn't see it."

She had kept her distance, not wanting to disturb Elliot's time with his children in any way.

"Look."

Elliot pulled a white frame from the pile of gifts on the coffee table. It held a picture of his three daughters, and a text had been added in a little balloon, saying "Happy Birthday Daddy".

"And this."

He almost sounded reverent when he unfolded a piece of paper, that Olivia recognized from earlier.

"Liz made it for me because she couldn't come."

Elizabeth had made her father a drawing of himself and her, depicting Elliot as a big, strong man with a gun and a badge, and herself as a small child, holding his hand.

"For daddy," Elliot reads out loud. "I miss you. Elizabeth."

"That's very sweet," Olivia says softly, scooting close to Elliot and putting a hand on his arm.

"Maureen says she hid it from Kathy. Can you believe that?"

He sounds bitter now and Olivia squeezes his bicep.

"I'm sorry she has to be that way," she tells him.

Elliot sighs and nods, rubbing his thumb along the drawing lovingly.

"But I didn't lose my girls," he says, a slight waver in his voice, and they both know there is one person still missing from it all.

"No word from Dickie?" Olivia asks after a long silence.

Elliot shakes his head.

"Kathleen says he's still angry. He won't talk to his sisters about me."

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispers, but then Elliot sits up straight.

"Liv, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. You arranged this party for me and got me my daughters back. That means the world to me."

Before Olivia can even think of a response, Elliot reaches for her and pulls her into a hug. It's a slightly clumsy hug, since they're sitting side by side on the couch, but she appreciates the gesture.

"Thanks Liv," she hears him whisper in her ear, and she holds him a little tighter.

"I'm your partner," she responds simply.

Elliot rubs her back and when they break apart, their faces still close together, he smiles at her.

"For better or worse?"

She smiles as well.

"For better or worse."

...


	11. Home

**11\. Home**

The week goes by quickly. The team is extremely busy with their cases and they all work long hours. Olivia doesn't want to admit it, but she's tired more quickly than she's used to. Elliot keeps telling her that it's normal. After all, there's a whole new person growing inside her, taking up a lot of energy. But Olivia doesn't want to be a slacker on the job. She's only in her second trimester and that's supposed to be the time when pregnant women feel vibrant and alive, and can take on the whole world.

After a few days, Cragen practically orders her to take a few hours off and Olivia calls Alex to see if she's free to go shopping for baby supplies with her. Elliot grins at her while she's talking to Alex. He's on his way out with Fin to re-interview a witness and he mouths to her, 'see you at home'.

Olivia smiles and watches him walk off, temporarily distracted from her conversation with Alex. She and Elliot have found such a nice groove together and it makes her wonder. She knows she shouldn't let her mind go there but she can't help wondering about it sometimes ...

"Olivia? You still there?"

Alex's concerned voice snaps her back to reality and she apologizes to her friend.

"Yes. Yes, I'm still here. So … I'll meet you in 45 minutes outside the courthouse? We can take a cab from there."

"That's what I just said," Alex says, sounding slightly annoyed. "Is this kid eating up your brains or something?"

Olivia just laughs, not quite ready to explain why she'd been distracted. She isn't even ready to acknowledge what it is that was so distracting. Fin and Elliot are out of sight now and Olivia checks the time. 3.15. So she'll meet Alex at 4. Time enough to treat herself to a snack. Eating isn't a problem anymore. Right now, she can eat anything at any time. Apples are still at the top of her list but she isn't nauseous at all anymore and she's gaining quite a bit of weight.

"I need new clothes," she mumbles as she walks to the elevator. Even her oversized pants are getting too tight now.

…

It's almost 7.30 PM when Olivia and Alex arrive at her apartment with their harvest. Elliot isn't there and Olivia offers Alex a drink before she goes.

"Just a cup of tea," Alex tells her, sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. "I've got plans later."

"Plans?" Olivia asks while putting the kettle on. "Anything I need to know?"

"Well, since I was the last one to find out about your pregnancy, I think I won't tell you," Alex says teasingly.

"You weren't the last!" Olivia huffs. "Not by a long shot."

"But you told Elliot and the team before me," Alex maintains. "What's the deal with you and Elliot anyway? He's still staying here?"

"On the couch," Olivia says defensively, and Alex arches a perfect eyebrow.

"I wasn't implying otherwise, Benson. But if you have something to add?"

Olivia huffs again and turns away from her friend to get them two tea cups.

"There is nothing to add, Alex. He's looking for a place of his own but it's all so expensive in the city."

"I know. Is he working something out with his wife about the house yet?"

Alex worked in family court for a while as an intern when she was still in law school, and remembers how divorces can work. Fathers usually get the short end of the stick financially, and while she wholeheartedly agrees that women often need more protection, sometimes the men involved aren't being treated fairly at all.

"I'm afraid Kathy won't be very willing to work something out with him," Olivia sighs. "He did nothing wrong but you know the courts will just assume he did. Just like everyone else for that matter."

Her last words sound bitter and Alex reaches for her arm, patting it gently.

"Everyone else doesn't matter, Liv. Your real friends know better. And even the girls came around, didn't they?"

Olivia nods, remembering the look in Elliot's eyes when he showed her the drawing Liz had made for her daddy, and she smiles softly at her friend.

"Yeah. El's been so happy about it."

Alex tilts her head and studies Olivia's face but doesn't comment. Olivia wonders what she thinks she's seeing and looks away to pour them both a cup of tea. It's not wrong to care about a friend, is it? She wants Elliot to be happy. He deserves it because he's a good man and a good father. Anyone would feel that way, wouldn't they?

...

After drinking their tea, both women part ways and Olivia starts putting away all the supplies she's bought. She is now the proud owner of several sets of maternity clothes, and she puts them in her closet, storing most of her smaller sizes away for later - hopefully.

They haven't gotten to the bigger baby things yet, like a crib or a stroller, but she's already bought a car seat. She places it in her bedroom so she can see it from the bed. It's becoming real now and it feels good. She got a cute pacifier too and a little grey bear, and she places both items in the car seat. Sometimes she can hardly wait to see her baby. Doctor Simmons has promised her another ultrasound around twenty weeks and then she'll learn if she's having a boy or a girl. For now, she's bought two cute little bodysuits with a teddy bear on them. She puts them in the hamper, along with all the cloths, sheets and blankets she's bought, to wash them before putting them all in the cabinet she's designated as her baby cabinet. She will even be able to use it as a changing table. She leaves a completely irresistible tiny pair of jeans on display on the breakfast bar because she wants to show it to Elliot. After washing all the other baby things and putting them away neatly, she crashes on the couch in front of the TV with a bag of potato chips and a bottle of water. She's exhausted and has a hard time keeping her eyes open. She glances at Elliot's pillow, that he's forgotten to put away that morning, and it doesn't take long before she gives in to the urge to lay down. She pulls the throw blanket down from the back of the couch and covers herself. She finds a comfortable position easily and closes her eyes. Just a few minutes, she thinks. She inhales and can smell Elliot's familiar scent on the pillow. It gives her a sense of security and she can't help smiling as she settles in. Just for a few minutes …

…

It's quiet in the apartment. Too quiet. Did she switch off the TV earlier? She can't remember. She blinks a few times before opening her eyes. It's dark. And then she hears it. Breathing. There is someone else there!

Olivia breathes in sharply and lifts her head to look around.

"El?" she asks softly, hoping it's really him.

"Hmmm."

She exhales slowly, relief flooding her system. It's only Elliot.

"Hey," she hears Elliot say groggily and she begins to register where she is and where he is. She's still on the couch and her feet are in Elliot's lap. She must have fallen asleep after all.

"I'm in your spot," Olivia sighs, and she tries to sit up.

"It's okay," Elliot mumbles but she disagrees.

"No, it's not. You can't sleep sitting up."

"I just did."

Olivia pushes herself up into a sitting position and moves her feet to the floor. Why were they in her partner's lap anyway? She looks at him in the dark room but she can only make out his silhouette.

"It's fine Liv," Elliot stresses, sounding a little more awake. "You were sleeping so peacefully that I couldn't bring myself to waking you up. You need the rest."

"So do you," Olivia counters. "What time did you get home anyway?"

"Around eleven thirty. New case."

"Vic still alive?"

"Barely."

They both sigh and Olivia scoots closer to her partner instinctively. Elliot lifts his arm and drapes it behind her shoulders. Olivia rests her head against his arm and then he pulls her close until her head rests on his shoulder, her forehead against his cheek. She wraps her arm around his waist and they sit in silence for a while. These cases never get any easier and it's comforting to have someone close by who understands. Olivia closes her eyes, and she can hear and feel Elliot's breathing evening out. He's relaxing again. She wonders if he could fall asleep like this again, and she wonders if she could. Her heart skips a little beat when she hears him say,

"It's good to be home."

She bites her lip when he pulls her even tighter against him.

Home.

That word means so much and she has to agree. It's good to be home. With him.

She moves to her bedroom eventually but lays awake for a while after she's heard Elliot settle in for the night on the couch. She feels like something is shifting between them. Or is it just her? She still remembers the look Alex gave her earlier. It's definitely her. She can't make any assumptions about Elliot. He's going through a lot and he needs time to adjust. She's happy she can make him feel at home at her place for the time being, but she shouldn't expect anything more from him.

She turns around for the tenth time, wishing she could stop all the confusing thoughts in her head. Elliot is doing so much for her already, helping her whenever he can. He's being a perfect friend and that's enough. It should be enough. Shouldn't it?

...


	12. Kicking

**Alright, once again reviews were not showing on the site. It's been fixed now! (Feb. 11). Meanwhile, I always get e-mail notifications so please don't hold back if you want to review! I appreciate each and every one of you who takes the time to leave a few words. Please enjoy this new chapter.**

...

 **12\. Kicking**

It's undeniable.

At first, she thinks it was probably some gas but then she feels it again. And again. In the same spot. It just has to be her little pea.

Olivia sits back in her desk chair, keeping her left hand on the same spot of her growing belly. She's been reading everything about pregnancies that she could find online and she knows it's possible to feel her baby already at 17 weeks, but only inside her body. She can't really feel it with her hand yet and she feels disappointed, because that means Elliot can't feel it yet either. Her eyes move to him across their desks. He's chewing his pen and is deep in thought, and it reminds her that she should be working as well. Elliot's phone rings and he glances at her while picking it up.

"Special Victims Unit, detective Stabler speaking … Yes … okay … alright. Try to … try to calm down Amber. We're … yes. We're on our way. Just stay right where you are."

Olivia stands up, ready to grab her things and head out with her partner but Elliot shakes his head.

"Sorry Liv, you can't come. Amber thinks her stalker is around."

Olivia deflates, disappointed, and sits back down at her desk. She doesn't like missing so much of their cases. She wants to be there to comfort Amber, who has been scared to death that her stalker may return. They still aren't sure that the man who is following her around, is actually the same man who raped her, but both options scare Amber to no end. Having one man out to get her is bad enough, but two?

Still, Olivia understands that she can't come along because there's the possibility of a confrontation with the stalker. Fin joins Elliot and the two men head out again without her.

"El! Let me know if you bring her back here," she calls out after her partner, and he turns around and looks at her, as if telling her wordlessly that he already knows. She still wants to do everything she can to be there for the survivors.

…

Olivia gets her chance to support another survivor soon, when they come across a pregnant young girl who has been severely beaten, and who freaks out each time someone comes close to her, for fear that they will force her to give up her baby. They haven't been able to determine the identity of her baby's father yet so they don't know if he is the one who has caused all the obvious signs of abuse on her body.

"I'm seventeen!" she keeps repeating. "It's legal! It's mine!"

Aside from her first name, it's all she has said so far.

The girl, whose name is Amaya, has been cowering in a corner of the family room but when she sees a pregnant cop come in, her eyes widen and she looks up at Olivia.

"Hey," Olivia says kindly. "I'm Olivia. Can we talk for a bit?"

Amaya's dark eyes settle on Olivia's stomach. The fact that this Detective is pregnant cannot be missed anymore since Olivia has started wearing colorful, decorative maternity bands over her growing baby bump. Right now, she's wearing pregnancy jeans, a red top and a matching red belly band with tiny yellow flowers embroided along the outline of the band.

"How far along are you?" Amaya asks with a trembling voice.

"Almost nineteen weeks."

"I'm at fourteen weeks now."

"I know. Our babies are going to be about the same age."

Olivia smiles kindly and sits down on a chair at the table.

"Won't you sit with me for a while so we can talk?"

Amaya is still hesitant, but she relaxes a little in the corner, moving her knees away from her body a bit.

"You love your little baby already, don't you?" Olivia asks, rubbing her own belly lovingly. "I just started feeling some movement ten days ago."

"I haven't felt her yet," Amaya divulges.

"You think you're having a girl?"

Amaya nods but looks down at the floor in front of her. Olivia senses that there's more to it. But she will need to unravel this enigma called Amaya little by little. She can't be rushed.

"Have you been seeing a doctor, Amaya?"

The girl shakes her head.

"But I'm taking the vitamins and stuff!" she suddenly says vehemently. "I'll be a good mother, Detective. I will!"

"Alright, Amaya. I believe you. I believe you're doing everything you can to make sure your baby will be healthy and safe. All we want, is to find the person who caused all those bruises on your body and your broken wrist. Nobody has the right to hurt you like that."

Amaya looks down at the floor again and wraps her arms around her knees. When she was first brought in to the ER a few days ago, her left cheek had been swollen so badly that she couldn't open her eye anymore. The swelling has gone down since, but the purple bruises are still visible all over her face, chest and arms, even on her dark skin.

"The person who hurt you, Amaya … is he the father of your baby? Is he the one who wants you not to have it?"

Amaya starts rocking forward a little and a few times, she seems on the verge of wanting to say something. Olivia waits patiently, suppressing the urge to kneel on the floor next to the girl and wrap her arms around her. She understands the fear of possibly losing your child and she wonders if she should tell Amaya more about herself. And then Amaya finally speaks.

"He … he doesn't know it yet."

Olivia's eyes widen, and she glances at the mirrored window, knowing her Captain as well as her partner are standing there, listening in. Olivia finally kneels next to Amaya and puts a hand on the trembling girl's shoulder.

"The father of your baby doesn't know you're pregnant?"

Amaya shakes her head.

"No. He doesn't."

"So who beat you up, honey? If it wasn't him?"

"He'd never hurt me! He loves me!" Amaya suddenly blurts out. "And when he gets out of jail, we're gonna be a family, no matter what anyone says!"

Amaya starts crying, wiping her cheeks furiously with her good hand. She clearly doesn't want to seem weak. Things are beginning to make more sense though and Olivia glances at the window again.

"Honey, is someone in your family against this pregnancy?" Olivia asks quietly.

Amaya bows her head, resting her forehead on her knees.

"You know, no matter what they've told you - once we catch this person, they won't be allowed anywhere near you. We'll make sure of that."

Amaya sobs a little louder and Olivia rubs her back gently.

"No one can force you to give up your baby if you don't want to, Amaya. No one."

Amaya tries to stop crying and takes a few deep breaths.

"That's it honey. Just breathe. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. And your baby too."

"But where am I gonna live? Tony isn't coming out for another four months."

"You're living with your parents now, aren't you?"

Amaya nods and then whispers almost inaudibly,

"I can't go back there."

Olivia asks the young girl urgently,

"Amaya. Did your father do this to you?"

Amaya's silence is an answer in itself.

"Does he want you to get an abortion?"

Amaya sniffles but stays silent.

"All you have to do is tell me 'yes' and we're picking him up, honey."

"He'll be back out in no time. I've heard the stories and I've seen it happen."

Olivia closes her eyes for a moment and bows her head. It's another family tragedy.

"What do you think will happen if we don't pick him up and let you leave here? Don't you think he'll hit you again? Maybe try to hit you in the stomach?"

"He already tried that," Amaya whispers. "But I can fight. I'll fight for my baby. I'll never give her up. I even got a job the other day and when Tony gets out, I wanna go back to school. Tony always says I'm so smart and he'll support me. How can daddy be against that?"

Olivia knows that's Fin and Elliot's cue to go and pick up the father while she tends to Amaya. Now that the girl has finally pointed the finger at her father and has given them her address, she's utterly drained. She lets Olivia convince her to sit at the table and to eat something and after another half hour, Amaya is much more relaxed and they can talk about happier things, like baby supplies and names for their babies.

"I know Tony would want a daughter so that's why I'm hoping we're having a girl. Does your husband want a boy or a girl?" Amaya asks her innocently.

Olivia bites her lip and looks down at her baby bump. She rubs it lovingly and tells Amaya,

"Actually, I don't have a husband. I got pregnant accidentally on vacation."

"Oh … but you're keeping it, right?"

"Oh yes," Olivia says, smiling widely. "I've always wanted to be a mother."

"Me too."

"Will your baby grow up without a daddy?" Amaya asks innocently. "Does the daddy know about it?"

Olivia shakes her head.

"No. I haven't told him."

"Why not?"

She bites her lip before admitting,

"I guess I'm scared that he won't want it."

For Amaya's sake, she leaves out her fear of having her baby taken away from her.

"You're gonna tell him after the 24 weeks are over?" Amaya asks her.

Olivia has to admit she hasn't thought of that before and she is still thinking about it long after Amaya's father has been arrested and Amaya has been taken to a shelter for battered women. She's home, sitting on the couch and rubbing her belly while she thinks things over. She knows that she will need to tell Miguel at some point, even if she'd rather not tell him at all. Elliot hasn't said anything but she knows that he will always say that the father has a right to know, no matter what. And she knows that Elliot will be there for her, every step of the way, even if things get difficult with Miguel. Waiting until after the New York abortion threshold would at least eliminate one problem. He won't be able to tell her to get rid of it anymore. Not that that would matter, since she is going to have this baby regardless of what Miguel wants. Still, somehow the idea of telling him at 24 weeks sticks with her.

Suddenly, she feels a thump underneath her hand. She isn't sure if she actually felt it with her hand, but she knows it's her little pea, who isn't so little anymore. It's as if her baby is telling her that yes, she will need to tell Miguel at 24 weeks. He has a right to know.

Olivia hears the sound of a key in the door and watches Elliot come in. He smiles when he sees her, her hands resting on her belly.

"Having a chat with little pea?" he asks her as he shrugs off his coat and hangs it on the rack.

"Little pea is getting big," Olivia replies. "He's more like an oversized potato now."

"Little tater then," Elliot grins as he approaches her.

Olivia laughs out loud.

"Little tater. That's cute. Actually, tater has been kicking up a storm in there."

"Do you think I could feel it now?" Elliot asks, and she knows he has been waiting for it.

"I don't think so El," she says honestly, "but you can try."

Elliot sits down next to her and places his left hand over her belly. Olivia grabs it and moves it to the spot where she's felt a kick just now. They are a little disappointed when he really can't feel anything yet but they sit together contently for a while afterwards.

"Hey El," Olivia says after a while.

"Hmmm?"

"I think I should tell Miguel at 24 weeks."

...

 **Dun dun.**

 **A/N: before y'all respond to when a woman can feel her baby, I felt my first at 16 weeks so there you go. I have put my own experiences with my pregnancies in this story, so rest assured - whatever I write, is actually possible. Daddies (and best friends) will have to wait a bit longer though.**

 **Having said that - please leave a review. I love getting them!**


	13. It's a

**13\. It's a ...**

Olivia is restless about telling Miguel about the baby, but Elliot is doing a great job distracting her. He supports her decision to want to tell the biological father about the baby and she understands that he's looking at things from the father's perspective too. But Elliot helps her take her mind off things by spending the entire Saturday shopping with her. They pick up some of the bigger things now like a crib, a pram, a wooden playpen with a drawer underneath for toys, and a little bathtub. They also get a few bottles and Elliot has chosen the cutest little onesie for the baby. It's light blue with a dark blue bear on the front, and while Olivia maintains that he can't possibly know she's having a boy, he insists on buying it anyway, along with a matching little bonnet.

"A girl can wear blue just fine too," he tells her. "Just look at you. You wear blue all the time."

He's right of course and she indulges him. After they've dragged everything into her apartment, she can't help wondering if it won't be too cramped. The place was never meant for more than one person and it's beginning to show. Elliot has been unsuccessful so far in finding an affordable apartment for himself. She keeps telling him that she doesn't mind his company at all and he believes her. But she can tell it's still on his mind, especially now that they're getting ready to welcome a third person into the apartment. Olivia can see him pondering about their living arrangements and she wonders what it will be like once he moves out again. He will still help her out, but it will be different. She isn't sure she's going to like it very much ...

For now, they focus on the twenty-week ultrasound that's scheduled on Monday, and Olivia actually feels a little giddy when she wakes up on Monday morning. Elliot is up early too, even if he's taken the morning off just like Olivia.

"Ready to see little tater again?" he asks her when she walks into the living room, already dressed for the day.

"Oh yes. I've been thinking of names and it will definitely help to know if it's a boy or a girl."

Olivia walks into the kitchen behind Elliot to grab a bowl.

"Well, I thought it was a boy, but this one kicks like a girl so … maybe I'm wrong," Elliot jokes, and Olivia smacks the back of his head playfully.

"Just because you can't feel it yet, doesn't mean tater isn't a super strong little lady," she huffs, and Elliot chuckles.

After breakfast, they head out to see Dr. Simmons and when the doctor calls them from the waiting room, Elliot grabs Olivia's hand and squeezes it. He's just as nervous and excited as she is and she holds on to his hand as they walk into the examining room.

Dr. Simmons smiles at them knowingly and they let go of each other's hand. The nurse comes in with the ultrasound machine and Olivia takes a deep breath. This is it. She's going to see her baby for real now, and she's going to know soon if she's having a son or a daughter.

When she's settled on the examining table with her belly exposed, she reaches for Elliot again automatically, and he's by her side in a flash.

"You can sit on this stool, daddy," the nurse remarks, pushing a stool over to Elliot, and Olivia bites her lip.

She doesn't look at Elliot but her heart skips a beat when he takes her hand again and squeezes it. Even if he isn't the daddy, he's playing the role perfectly and Doctor Simmons doesn't correct the nurse either when she sees their reaction. Elliot sits down next to her on the stool and leans close to her when the doctor prepares to place the ultrasound probe on Olivia's belly.

"Here we go," she announces. "Let's have a look at baby Benson again."

Olivia is amazed at the perfect shape of her baby, so completely different from the grey blob they saw the first time. There is a strong heartbeat and they can even see the baby sucking its thumb. Olivia is overwhelmed with emotion and has to blink furiously to keep looking at the image of her child on the monitor. The doctor is taking measurements and they wait patiently for news about the gender of the baby. They can't tell themselves and will need to wait for a professional to point out to them what they're looking at. For now, all Olivia can see is the profile of the baby. It's amazing to see the perfectly shaped head of her child. It looks like all the images she's seen on the computer but it's completely different now that she's looking at her own baby.

"Now, baby's head is on this side," Dr. Simmons tells them, "but our view is partially blocked by the placenta, which is situated slightly to the right. Now I'm going to take a look at the other side.

She moves the probe to the left until she has a clear view of the baby's other end.

"There," she says triumphantly, holding the probe still. "As clear as day."

"What are we looking at, Doc?" Elliot asks, peering at the screen, that doesn't seem to be showing a baby at all anymore.

"These are the legs," the doctor explains, pointing out two oval grey areas that are apparently the legs, seen from below. "And this," she adds, pointing at another little blob, "is telling us you're having a boy."

Olivia gasps and grabs Elliot's hand with both hands. Elliot lets out a nervous chuckle. She looks up at him and they both can't stop grinning. Elliot is the first to find his voice when he tells her,

"Told ya."

"You said he kicks like a girl!" Olivia huffs, but she's still grinning from ear to ear.

"You're having a boy Liv," Elliot repeats in a whisper, his head touching hers for a moment. "A son."

"Congratulations, mommy," Dr. Simmons says, smiling warmly at both of them. "Your son is right on schedule with his growth. If all goes according to plan, you will be 36 by the time you deliver, but I have no reason to define your pregnancy as having an elevated risk at this point. You can just carry on and let your body tell you what you can and can't do. Just no heavy lifting, but you knew that already."

Olivia nods and thanks the doctor. After readjusting her clothes, Olivia sits up on the examining table, and Elliot helps her down, his hands on her waist and her hands on his arms. She looks up at him and when he looks into her eyes, her breath hitches. She wasn't prepared for the tenderness she sees in his eyes and it makes her stomach clench. She looks away quickly and they let go of each other and the moment passes, until the Doctor deems it necessary to make one last remark.

"Oh, by the way. I know you haven't asked, but in case you weren't aware or you were concerned, it's perfectly alright to have sex during a pregnancy, at least until I say otherwise."

Olivia feels her cheeks flush and lets out a soft huff. She doesn't know what to say. She's already told the doctor that Elliot is just a good friend and she has no idea why Dr. Simmons felt the need to tell her this.

"Good to know Doc, thank you," Elliot responds dryly and Olivia can't look at him.

Elliot puts a hand on her back and she lets him lead her out of the examining room so they can schedule a new appointment with the nurse. Her breathing is shallow and as soon as the door closes behind them, Olivia pokes Elliot in the side with an elbow.

"What's that for?" Elliot asks innocently. "It _is_ good to know, right?"

"Right. Like I'm gonna be in the dating game any time soon," Olivia mutters.

She wishes she wouldn't react so strongly to the notion of having sex, since she's never regarded it as anything other than completely natural. She tries to ignore the reason why it suddenly makes her nervous. Dr. Simmons' remark was prompted by her and Elliot's interaction. She's sure of it. And that suddenly makes her feel awkward and nervous.

"You're still a very attractive woman, Liv," Elliot says seriously and once again, she's rendered speechless.

Elliot shrugs, as if to tell her that's just the way it is, and Olivia is relieved when the nurse returns to her desk and asks them what day would be convenient for their next appointment. They drive to work in silence afterwards, and Olivia tries to focus on the fact that she now knows her baby is a boy. She's actually relieved that she won't have to wonder anymore if she should name her child after her own mother. Girls' names are out now. She's having a son!

…

When Olivia comes home from a visit to the lab that night, Elliot is already there and she's a little surprised that he's taken the playpen out of the box and has set it up.

"It's not fully assembled yet," he tells her immediately. "I'll put it back in the box in a minute. I just wanted to see how big it looks in here."

Olivia plops down on the couch and watches Elliot as he moves the playpen into a corner and pushes the drawer underneath.

"It's gonna be cramped in here," she muses.

"It is," Elliot agrees as he pushes himself up from the floor, and Olivia can't help staring at the muscles in his legs and his ass while he stands. He really does look good ... Elliot turns around to face her and Olivia looks away quickly, peering around him at the playpen.

"You know, I've been thinking," Elliot says as he sits down next to her on the couch.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. About our living arrangements."

Olivia swallows. Is he moving out? She doesn't know if she's ready for that. Elliot rubs his hands over his thighs and she thinks he might be a little nervous.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" she blurts out. "Just say it and get it over with El."

"What? No!" Elliot responds, staring at her in disbelief and the surge of relief Olivia feels takes her by surprise. She actually has to blink a few times and looks down at her hands to hide the beginnings of tears from Elliot. She didn't know it matters this much to her until now to have Elliot with her. Or maybe she hasn't wanted to acknowledge it.

"Liv," Elliot says kindly, reaching for her hand.

Olivia keeps looking down stubbornly, blaming her hormones, and listens to Elliot while he continues.

"Hey. I'm not walking out on you Liv," he stresses, and she can't _not_ look at him after that.

Elliot smiles softly when he sees the moist in her eyes. "I promise," he adds softly, putting a hand on her knee.

Olivia nods and blinks and Elliot helps her out.

"It's those hormones again, right?" he says and she nods again, forcing a smile.

"So what were you gonna say El?" she asks him.

Elliot looks away and surveys their surroundings.

"You know I haven't been able to find a place yet."

"Yeah."

"And this apartment is very modest, even for you and tater boy."

Olivia nods once again when Elliot glances at her.

"So I was thinking … since we should both be on the lookout for a bigger place, why don't we try to find one together?"

Olivia's eyes widen. She had been preparing herself somewhat for the day when Elliot would leave again but now he is suggesting a far more permanent arrangement and she doesn't know what to say.

"T … together?"

Why does her voice sound so small all of a sudden? Elliot shrugs.

"It's practical."

Olivia stands up and walks a few steps away from him before turning around. She stares at her partner, who has just suggested that they go apartment hunting together and she's completely stunned. Elliot is looking up at her expectantly and she can see hesitation in his eyes. Is he reconsidering already? Hasn't he thought this through?

"I … have to think about this," she finally manages to say.

Elliot nods.

"Of course. I understand. It's a big decision."

"Yeah …"

Olivia strolls into the kitchen to get them a drink.

"Have you thought this through El?" she asks while she's peering into the fridge. "Kathy's gonna blow a fuse."

Elliot stands up and walks over to the breakfast bar, leaning his arms on it.

"We'll have our own rooms Liv. We'll both have more privacy than we do now."

He is completely ignoring her remark about Kathy. Maybe he's right. That woman's fuses have all blown already anyway.

"You'll have sleepless nights right along with me once tater boy arrives," Olivia counters.

Elliot shrugs and smirks.

"I'm used to sleepless nights. And if all else fails, I'll just sleep in the cribs."

"Oh, that's rich!" Olivia scoffs, but she can't help laughing at his words.

She will need to think about Elliot's suggestion but the thought of having him close to her more permanently lodges itself in her brain quite easily.

"Just think about it, 'kay?" Elliot says. "I'll totally understand if you won't want me around permanently."

She smiles and hands him a drink.

"You're being a great friend so far El," she tells him quietly.

Elliot nods and purses his lips.

"Friend. Yep. Definitely."

...

 **A/N: Well, that didn't sound like he's happy with the friend label at all, did it?  
** **And it's a boy! How 'bout that?** **  
**


	14. Vulnerable

**14\. Vulnerable**

She can't sleep.

No matter how exhausted she feels, her mind just won't stop spinning. Finding an apartment together, actually signing a rental agreement together - that's basically living together. In separate rooms but still.

She knows that she's been looking at her best friend differently lately. There's no denying that. From the moment they met, Elliot had started filling a void in her life. Until then, she'd never really trusted anyone, especially men. Her mother had ingrained in her from an early age that men are not to be trusted and that their only goal is to use you to their own advantage. Even after becoming a police officer, Olivia had kept everyone at bay. She would only trust her work partners professionally, and even then only up to a point. Elliot is living proof that not all men are like her mother said and she has allowed him to become a huge part of her life. And even if she tried to stop it, he had found a place inside her heart, and she had allowed herself to start depending on him. On him being there. She _could_ do it all alone, but it's so much better to have him by her side. Especially now with the baby. Her little baby boy.

She smiles in the dark and cradles her belly with both hands. Regardless of the circumstances, this child is her miracle and she already can't imagine her life without him in it.

It's basically the same with Elliot. She doesn't _want_ to imagine a life without Elliot in it. She knows that this feeling isn't new. It's been lingering for a lot longer. But Elliot was married until now so she'd filed anything that might be inappropriate away under 'don't go there' and had just enjoyed having such a good best friend. She had tried to ignore the fact that she'd compare all her flings with him and had reasoned it away - telling herself she wanted someone dependable _like_ Elliot. Not Elliot himself.

And now … just before she went to bed earlier, he had showed her an envelope. _Divorce papers,_ he'd announced. Kathy is seeing it through this time. And while she still feels partially responsible for how his marriage is ending, she has to admit she isn't upset about it anymore. She can see that Elliot is more relaxed these days. Sure, he misses the regular contact with his children but the two oldest girls send him text messages from time to time and it helps a lot, even if Kathy is filing for sole custody of the three younger kids. Elliot knows it's best for the kids to live with their mother, simply because she has more time to spend with them, but he wants free access to his children and he doesn't want Kathy to stop them from coming to see him when they want to. And he's going to fight the underlying adultery charge in court. No way is a lie going to prevent him from seeing his children. He wants to ask Casey to represent him when the time comes and Olivia is pretty sure Casey will agree to do it.

So far, Elliot hasn't seen Elizabeth and Dickie yet. He hasn't seen them in almost three months and that hurts. It hurts even more that Dickie doesn't _want_ to see him and Olivia tries not to let that get to her too much. _You did nothing wrong_ , Elliot keeps telling her and she knows that. Still, she knows that the Stablers are talking about her as much as Elliot and it stings.

And now he's suggesting finding an apartment together. How is that going to look? Olivia finds herself torn between her desire to keep Elliot close and the fear of causing even more problems for him.

She sighs and turns in her bed once more. It's going to be a long night.

...

The next morning, Captain Cragen asks Olivia to step into his office for a moment and she glances at Elliot. She isn't in trouble, is she? Elliot clearly doesn't know what's going on either and Olivia follows the Captain into his office alone.

"Anything wrong?" Olivia asks him as soon as she's closed the door.

"Not that I'm aware of, Olivia. Please sit down."

Cragen gestures at the chair across from his desk and sits down in his own chair. Olivia sits as well, upright, her hands resting on her knees.

"How have you been feeling lately? Everything still going well with the pregnancy?" the Captain asks her.

"Yes sir. I just had a check-up yesterday and everything looks just fine. I'm halfway there already," Olivia tells him.

"Good. That's good. Modified duty still doable for you?"

Olivia pulls her shoulders up and drops them again with a sigh.

"It's for a good cause, that's why I'm sticking it out. But I admit, I miss being out in the field where the action is."

"Understood. You will need to start thinking about what you're going to do once the baby is born."

"I know sir. And I will."

"That's good. And how are things going with your partner?"

Olivia raises her eyebrows at the unexpected question.

"Fine, sir. Why do you ask?"

Cragen stares at his desk for a moment before his eyes settle on her face again.

"Well, he's been living at your apartment for a while now. You're not getting on each others' nerves yet?"

"No more than usual," Olivia says with a half smile and Cragen chuckles.

"Alright. Point taken. Anything else I should know?"

"Like what?" Olivia asks, and for some undeterminable reason, her hands become clammy.

Cragen tries for a dismissive gesture with his hand but his eyes remain fixed on hers when he tells her,

"Anything worth sharing."

"No sir," she says, hoping to sound convincing while she tries not to think about why questions and remarks like this make her nervous lately. First her doctor, then Elliot and now the Captain. She looks down at her hands when the Captain keeps studying her face for a few long moments.

"Just …" he begins then, and when he stops talking, Olivia looks up at him.

"Sir?"

Cragen shakes his head lightly.

"Never mind," he says with a sigh but she can see some concern on his face.

What could he be concerned about?

"Is there anything _I_ should know?" Olivia urges. "You seem worried about something. Should I fear for my job after I have the baby?"

"No no. It's nothing like that," Cragen is quick to say. "I'm really hoping you will want to stay on with us."

He glances at the window behind her and she knows he's looking at Elliot.

"Has Elliot said something to you?" she blurts out.

She can't imagine that Elliot would talk to the Captain about her behind her back but she's trying to figure out what Cragen's concern could be.

"No. And you know perfectly well he wouldn't do that, Olivia. But since you've brought it up: what could Elliot have said to me if he was that kind of person?"

"I have no idea," Olivia sighs, her shoulders sagging a bit.

She can only hope Elliot hasn't mentioned the idea of living under the same roof permanently to their superior officer. She sure isn't going to mention it herself, since she hasn't made a decision about it yet.

It looks like the conversation with Cragen is going nowhere so Olivia decides to stand up and walk to the door. If Cragen has anything else to tell her, he should do it fast.

"If there's nothing else, I'd like to go back to work," she announces, her hand already on the door handle.

Before she can open it, she hears her Captain sigh,

"I just don't want either of you to get hurt."

She whips back around and stares at the older man.

"Where did that come from?" she asks.

Cragen makes an apologizing gesture with his hands.

"I'm not blind, Olivia."

She cocks an eyebrow, still staring at the Captain.

"You two have been getting along better than ever."

"So?"

"His marriage has only just collapsed. You're both vulnerable right now."

Olivia purses her lips, suddenly understanding what the Captain is getting at. She shakes her head, feeling anger bubbling in her gut. He thinks he knows them so well, but the truth is, nobody understands their dynamic. How close they truly are and how deeply they care about each other.

"I would never hurt him," she says, her voice low and ominous. "And he wouldn't hurt me either. We're not kids, Captain. We don't act on a whim without thinking things through. I may be pregnant but I'm not stupid."

She decides to leave Cragen's office before she says something she may regret. She closes the door rather loudly behind her and a few people look up from their work. She's glad Munch and Fin are out in the field already. Elliot follows her with his eyes as she walks back to her desk and sits down.

"What happened?" he asks her softly.

"He just wanted to know how I'm doing," Olivia snaps, moving her computer mouse furiously to wake up her computer screen.

"Why are you angry about that?"

"He just implied that we …"

Olivia sighs and shakes her head. Elliot stares at her for a moment, realization dawning in his eyes.

"Is this about us? Did you tell him about my suggestion to look for a place together?"

"No. Did you?"

"Of course not."

When Olivia doesn't say anything else, Elliot asks her,

"Then what?"

"I think he's worried that … that we're … that I'm your rebound after the failure of your marriage and I'm clinging to you because I'm pregnant, and that things will end badly between us when we come to our senses."

Elliot leans back in his chair. His eyes flit to the Captain's office, and they see the older man standing behind the window, looking at them.

"Fuck him," Elliot mumbles and Olivia knows her partner is feeling the same anger she's feeling."You would never be just a rebound, Liv. You mean way too much to me."

"I know El. And I feel the same way about you. We'd never kill our friendship that way."

Elliot nods and leans forward again, resting his elbows on his desk. Olivia leans forward as well to hear what he has to say. His voice is gentle but determined when he tells her,

"Liv, if I were to pursue you, it would be the real thing. The whole package, to have and to hold. Because you deserve the world, and nothing less."

…

 **A/N: Ooooh. What is he saying? And how will Olivia react?**


	15. Hug

**So, about what Elliot said. He did say _"If"_. Let's see how Olivia takes his words, shall we?**

 **It's a challenge to write this story from Olivia's POV only so we never really know what's going on with Elliot, what he's thinking and what happens when Olivia isn't with him. It's kind of like real life ...**

...

 **15\. Hug**

" _Liv, if I were to pursue you, it would be the real thing. The whole package, to have and to hold. Because you deserve the world, and nothing less."_

…

Olivia freezes momentarily and stares at her partner and roommate.

"That's … that's so sweet of you to say," she stammers, glancing around to see if anyone is listening in on their hushed conversation. But aside from a few officers working on a computer in the other corner, they are alone. She isn't sure what to make of Elliot's little declaration and she decides to simply take it as a compliment and not read more into it than he might be trying to say.

"It's true Liv. I know your mother never made you feel like you were worth anything, but you are. You're an amazing cop as well as an amazing person. You're gonna be an amazing mother too, and I'm proud to be your friend. You should never settle for less than what you deserve. Which is a lot more than what you've gotten so far."

"Wow."

Olivia leans back in her chair and studies her partner's flushed face.

"Where is all of this coming from El?"

Elliot huffs and looks at Cragen's office once more.

"I'm just sick of everyone having an opinion about you when they don't even _know_ you."

"Did Kathy say something?"

She doesn't know why she's asking him that. It's just a hunch. And his eyes are telling her she's hit the nail on the head.

"What? Just tell me, El. I can take it."

Elliot shakes his head.

"I'm not gonna repeat her words. And I don't want you to be there when I see her in court. You don't need all that crap in your … condition."

Olivia rolls her eyes.

"I'm pregnant El. That doesn't make me fragile. When did you talk to her?"

"She called me this morning while you were in the shower."

"Oh."

"Lizzy wanted to talk to me."

Olivia perks up.

"And? Did you talk to her?"

"Only for about ten seconds. She said hi daddy and I ehm … well, I … I thanked her for the drawing and I tried to tell her that I miss her and I love her, but then Kathy was back on the phone."

Olivia knows Elliot must have choked up and she wants to reach for him and comfort him. He misses his little girl so much.

"I told her that they're my kids as much as hers, and I won't let her take them from me. And I told her I'm getting a bigger place soon, so I can have the kids over."

"What did she say?"

Elliot shakes his head and she knows Kathy probably said something about her.

"Doesn't matter," Elliot says tersely, confirming her suspicion.

"El. If finding a place together is going to damage your case …"

Elliot sighs.

"I need to get a place so I can show the judge that I can have them over."

Olivia bites her lip and before she can change her mind, she tells her partner,

"Then let's do it."

Elliot's eyebrows shoot up and he looks at her with wide eyes.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. If that's what you need to get joint custody of the kids, we have to make that happen."

Elliot's face lights up and he grins widely.

"If Cragen wasn't watching us like a hawk, I'd hug you right now," he tells her happily.

Olivia laughs out loud.

"You can save that for when we get home."

"Deal," Elliot says, winking at her before returning to his paperwork. "Now let's get some work done and make the boss happy again."

...

Olivia is dead on her feet when they finally get home that night. They decide to turn in early after finishing some leftover Chinese food, sitting next to each other on the couch with the TV on in the background. Olivia had wanted to look at apartments on her laptop with Elliot but she doesn't think she's up for it now. Elliot is tired too and tells her it's no big deal. It can wait another day.

"When are you due in court?" Olivia asks him, and Elliot tells her that a date hasn't been set yet. Kathy is just setting everything in motion now.

They eat silently after that, each caught up in their own thoughts. When they call it a night and stand up, Elliot puts a hand on Olivia's arm. She looks up at him inquisitively and he smiles shyly at her.

"I still owe you that hug," he tells her. "I really appreciate what you're doing for me Liv."

Olivia shrugs, trying to shake off the tension she feels rising in her body. It's only a hug, she tells herself. He's touched her before. Friends hug. It's no big deal.

"You do so much for me too," she tells him. "And I need a bigger place anyway."

Elliot's smile widens a bit and he reaches for her shoulders. Olivia steps closer to him and places her hands on his waist tentatively.

"Still, it's quite a commitment. I know that's not your eh … forte, so to speak."

Olivia chuckles. She knows he's right. She's never been good at committing to other people but his hands, gently squeezing the tense muscles in her shoulders, are wildly distracting and she doesn't have a comeback. Elliot pulls her closer to him and she leans against him, resting her cheek against his shoulder, her forehead touching his cheek. When he wraps his arms around her, she tries to relax in his arms and wraps hers around him as well. They hold each other, tater boy safely trapped between them, and Olivia feels herself getting warm from the inside out. Elliot doesn't say anything else but it's as if she can feel what he's trying to tell her. She's safe with him, and her baby too. He will never hurt them. And she believes him.

When he straightens up, Olivia tries to pull away, assuming that the moment is over. She closes her eyes when Elliot doesn't let go but presses his lips to her temple, and she lets out a ragged breath.

"Thank you for trusting me," Elliot mumbles against her skin.

Olivia just nods, hoping it will be enough for Elliot. She is trying very hard to remain calm but his touch is making her feel little sparks of electricity all over her skin. It's different this time, nothing like other times he's touched her. Elliot looks down at her and she looks up at him with wide eyes. His eyes scan her face and her lips part when she sees them settle on her mouth. That's her cue to bolt and she looks down quickly while stepping away from him.

"Goodnight El," she says softly, almost whispering.

She hears him breathe out slowly. He is as affected as she is by that hug and she can't imagine why. It's only her, after all. They don't do lovey dovey stuff. They're partners.

She doesn't hear him wish her goodnight until she reaches the door to her bedroom and she slips inside her room quietly.

"Come on," she whispers to herself. "It was just a hug."

But she knows she's lying to herself. It wasn't just a hug for her and it wasn't for him either. She lets herself fall onto the bed fully clothed and stares up at the ceiling. She suddenly wonders if it's such a good idea to find an apartment together. She doesn't even know if she can look at him in the morning. The shock he's sent through her system has taken her completely by surprise. She's told herself, since they have managed to live side by side for years, that it wouldn't be a problem. She has all the reflexes down pat. She can live in the same house with him without letting her feelings get in the way, she's told herself.

But she isn't so sure now and sighs again. Must be her hormones acting up again. She pushes herself up from the bed to go to the bathroom, and for a moment, she's tempted to peek into the living room again, just to see what Elliot is doing. Is he going to lie awake too, like she expects she will? But she turns to walk into her adjoining bathroom instead. Elliot keeps his toothbrush in the kitchen these days, so he won't disturb her when she's already asleep. She wonders if he's taken off his shirt and she frowns at her reflection in the mirror. She can't give room to those thoughts. Those thoughts have to stay where she put them, filed away under 'don't go there' in the back of her mind. She brushes her teeth, removes her makeup and peels off her clothes. She has just pulled her long nightgown over her baby bump when she's startled by a thump in the living room. She almost jumps out of her skin and needs a moment to realize that Elliot probably just bumped into the coffee table or something. She's pathetic and she forces herself not to give in to the urge to check on him. Or check him out for that matter. She crawls into bed and lies on her side, cradling her belly with one arm. As she relaxes, her baby wakes up and lets her know he's still in there.

Olivia smiles. Her little tater boy is like an oasis to her. He already has the ability to pull her from her worries and the darkness of the job, and he hasn't even been born yet. She rubs her belly lovingly and speaks softly to her son. She yawns a few times and finds herself drifting off to sleep far more easily than she had expected. Her eyes are already closed when she whispers to her son,

"We're gonna keep you safe, little man. Elliot and me. We'll always be there for you."

…

 **Aww. Review?**


	16. Arrangement

**16\. Arrangement**

"What if one of you starts dating again?"

"What?"

"Don't tell me you haven't thought about it!"

Alex's eyes sparkle behind her glasses and she's literally sitting on the edge of her seat at the restaurant where she and Olivia have met up for lunch.

"I haven't, actually," Olivia admits.

Dating has been the furthest from her mind lately, with everything else going on. She and Elliot haven't mentioned their hug again and have been looking at apartments on the computer for a few days now. Elliot is going to schedule their first viewings for next weekend.

Olivia is meeting Alex for lunch on Saturday and has just told her about all the latest developments.

"Oh, come on. I know this situation with the divorce and the baby is taking up all of your time right now, but you're both still young and good-looking. No way you're going to go celibate now. Actually, I think Elliot's gonna want to explore a little, after almost twenty years with the same woman."

Olivia blows out a breath and tries to ignore the gnawing feeling in her gut. Elliot, dating other women? Maybe she should ask him about it. About the practical side of it. Because what if Alex is right and he takes someone home to spend the night, once they have their own rooms?

"I'm gonna need ear plugs," she thinks out loud and Alex chuckles.

"Maybe _he_ needs ear plugs. You've got needs too, don't you?"

"Alex!" she hisses.

She can't even think about dating now. Not with the baby coming and not with all these confusing feelings she's been having lately. She knows they're shacking up for practical purposes but she can't even think about letting other people into their lives once baby boy Benson joins their little arrangement.

"Well, it's either that or you and Elliot finally get together for real."

The truth is annoying and the confronting way Alex puts it is even more annoying.

"Why don't we talk about something else," Olivia suggests and Alex laughs mischievously.

"Don't think I'm going to drop this, Benson."

"For now, you are, Cabot."

"Okay okay," Alex sighs, holding up her hands in surrender and sitting back in her seat. "So how about names? Have you thought of any names yet for your little man?"

Alex is honored to be the first to learn that Olivia is having a boy and she has promised not to tell anyone who doesn't know yet. But she's eager to help Olivia think of names and quite a few are discussed.

"How about Jason?" Olivia asks.

"Jason Benson?"

Alex makes a face and Olivia has to agree that doesn't have a nice ring to it.

"How about … Alex Benson?" the ADA suggests.

Both women grin and Olivia thinks about Alex's suggestion seriously for a moment.

"I'm kidding Liv. It's a good name but it would just be confusing," Alex tells her.

"You do know that lots of families have cousins that are all named after the same grandparent, right?" Olivia remarks. "Call one name and six kids come running over."

"Like I said. Confusing," Alex agrees.

Their lunch arrives and they eat quietly, throwing out another name from time to time.

"Have you thought of naming the dad?" Alex inquires.

Olivia swallows her bite and nods.

"I have actually. But I'd have to run it by him first. If he doesn't want to be part of his son's life, I'm not going to honor him by using his name."

"So you're gonna tell him? Have you made up your mind?"

"Yeah," Olivia says, nodding. "I thought I'd wait until I'm 24 weeks along."

"That's three weeks from now."

"And I'm nervous as hell about it."

"Why?"

"Once he knows, he can never unknow it. Do I really want to turn his life upside down like that? And what if he wants visitation or something? But El says he has a right to know and … well, I guess deep down, I agree with him on that. I still don't know who my biological father is and I don't want to do that to my son."

"Well, you can tell your son the truth either way."

Olivia nods.

"I know. But what if I tell him and not Miguel? What happens if he decides to go look for his father somewhere down the road?"

"I understand. If you want your child to know where he came from, better go with full transparency."

"Exactly."

They finish their lunch and have a cup of tea afterwards.

"So. Apartment hunting with Elliot huh?"

Olivia blows her tea. She doesn't want to venture into uncomfortable territory with Alex again and decides to focus on the practical side of things.

"Yeah. We're looking for a three-bedroom place. I don't think we will be able to afford four."

Alex nods and she can see the blonde thinking.

"When El has the kids over, tater boy will sleep with me," she says quickly, before Alex can say out loud what she is so obviously thinking.

Alex grins but doesn't comment any further on possible sleeping arrangements. Another name pops into Olivia's head and she asks her friend,

"How about Timothy?"

…

Elliot has been out all afternoon, meeting up with Maureen in the city. Olivia is happy for him that his bond with his oldest child is now as strong as ever. She decides to start dinner and sends him a text to let him know she's counting on him to be home for dinner. She smiles when she reads his reply a couple of minutes later.

"You're cooking? Will be home soon. Maureen says hi. El"

When Elliot gets home, the apartment is filled with the scent of stir-fried Thai rice noodles with chicken, broccoli and garlic. Elliot breathes in exaggeratedly and walks over to Olivia as if following his nose.

"That smells great," he tells her with a smile.

"Thanks. It's just about done. Did you have a nice time with Maureen?"

"I did. Things are better than ever between us now. She's really growing up."

"That's great El."

Olivia turns off the stove and turns to grab two plates from the cupboard.

"I could get used to this, you know," she hears Elliot say behind her. "My woman cooking for me, barefoot and pregnant."

Olivia almost drops the plates at his joke and turns around after making sure they're safely in her grasp.

"What did you just say?" she asks him, her voice low and challenging, but her eyes are can't quite hide a sparkle of amusement.

Elliot shrugs, a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Call me old-fashioned. I'm just a little surprised that it looks this good on you."

He knows full well that he's pushing her buttons and she tells herself not to take the bait. But even if she'd wanted to retaliate, the truth is, she really doesn't know what to say. She thinks he's just complimented her but in a very weird way, and he's thrown her off. It seems that's becoming a habit of his and she just huffs before carrying the plates to her small dinner table. Elliot chuckles and rounds the breakfast bar to help her get the cutlery and two glasses of juice while she puts the food on the table.

Once they are both seated, Elliot asks,

"And how was your lunch with Alex?"

"Very nice. We've been trying to think of a suitable name for tater boy."

"And what did Cabot come up with? I bet she wants you to call him Alex."

Olivia laughs out loud.

"Very true! But I kind of settled on Timothy after a while. What do you think?"

"I like it," Elliot said, smiling at her, and Olivia feels her stomach flutter.

She looks down at her plate before adding,

"Maybe I should ask Miguel too?"

When Elliot doesn't respond right away, she glances up at him. He isn't smiling anymore and stabs at a piece of broccoli on his plate with his fork.

"He doesn't even know yet, Liv," he tells her after a few moments. "Why don't you wait and see how that goes first, before giving him a say in the baby's life?"

His voice sounds flat and Olivia knows something's up, but Elliot continues eating and she does the same. Maybe she's imagining things. When Elliot changes the subject and starts telling him about Maureen's latest accomplishments in college, she tries to forget about it.

After they finish their meal and Olivia has served dessert, she thinks that maybe they should talk about what it will be like to share an apartment long term. The thought about Elliot starting to date again in a while has been on her mind ever since Alex suggested it, and she can't ignore the unsettling feeling she has about it. What if things get weird between them after all, or they get in each other's way? She doesn't want to sacrifice their friendship for a bigger apartment.

After they finish eating, Elliot suggests making some tea. When he joins her on the couch and hands her a cup, she clears her throat and Elliot looks at her almost as if he knows what's coming.

"What?" she asks him with a small smile.

"You were gonna ask me something."

"How did you …"

"I know you Liv. Never forget that."

Olivia bites her lip and tries to ignore the goosebumps that suddenly form on her back.

"Alright. I've been thinking," she starts.

"Uh oh."

Olivia shoves him playfully.

"Knock it off. I'm being serious here."

"Sorry," Elliot says, but she can see he doesn't mean it.

"Ass," she mutters, and Elliot chuckles, wagging his finger at her.

"Mind your language in front of the baby."

Olivia shakes her head and sighs, trying to suppress a smile. That man can always make her smile and that feels pretty good. She almost doesn't want to spoil their moment but she knows they will need to have this talk eventually. Better get it over with before they start looking at places together.

Elliot watches her and waits. Olivia takes a sip of tea to buy some time, but it's too hot and she finally sets her cup down on the coffee table, next to Elliot's.

"Have you thought about what it will be like to share a place long term El?"

"What do you mean exactly?" he asks her, and she can't read him at all at the moment.

"Well … I mean, what if one of us has company over? Won't we get in each others' way?"

"You mean like my kids?" Elliot asks, but while he speaks, she can see him realize that she means a different kind of company.

"Or … oh, I see," he adds, looking down at his hands in his lap. "I … gotta admit I hadn't thought about it. Do you think it's gonna be a problem?"

"I don't know."

She hesitates. She doesn't even want to think about Elliot dating other people, let alone discuss it with him. Then Elliot asks her,

"Are you thinking of having guys over on weekends or something? After tater boy is born? Because if you are, I guess I'd need some advance warning."

Olivia feels a stomach ache coming up.

"What are you gonna do then?" she asks him. "Sleep in the cribs? I can't kick you out if it's _our_ place."

Deep down, she knows she has no plans whatsoever to have men over but since Elliot's mentioned it, she's going along with his line of thinking for now.

Elliot scratches his jaw and glances at her before looking away.

"I guess I haven't thought about that because I didn't want to."

Olivia's stomach ache is getting worse. What does that mean? Elliot gets up and walks over to the window. It's already dark outside and he won't be able to see much. They're on thin ice here and she knows he is trying to put some distance between them, but now that they've started down this road, Olivia wants to see it through. And so she joins him at the window, looking outside like him.

"Weren't you planning on finding someone again after the dust settles? Or haven't you thought about that yet?"

Elliot turns around and sits on the windowsill, crossing his arms in front of his chest while looking up at her.

"Actually, I thought I'd just stay with you."

Olivia blinks and sucks her bottom lip between her teeth. Her heart rate has definitely picked up. What is he saying?

"I haven't thought about anything or anyone else, to be honest," Elliot continues, looking past her into the room. "We get along great so … I figured we'd be fine. You know, working together. Helping each other out with our kids. But if you do get the itch, please don't let me get in your way. I guess we'll just have to figure it out when it happens."

"If it happens," Olivia adds quickly, and Elliot's eyes flick back up to hers.

"I'm not saying it will," she continues. "I just … Alex got me thinking and … well …"

She knows she's babbling a bit and she can see Elliot relax, so she continues.

"I just want you to know that we'll still have our own lives and … and I'm not trying to pin you down or anything."

The corner of Elliot's mouth tugs up and Olivia braces herself. She can see the sparkle in his eyes return and he's going to say something to break the tension any second now.

"Who says I won't _want_ you to pin me down," he says with a smirk and the innuendo in his words makes her face flush.

"God El," she huffs and Elliot chuckles.

"I'm joking Liv. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Sure you do," she mumbles, and she hears him chuckle again while she turns away from him.

Now she's the one who needs to put some physical distance between them. He's her partner and her best friend, for crying out loud. She doesn't want any sexual jokes between them. Not unless … no! She takes a breath and breathes it out quickly, but it doesn't do much to help her relax.

"How 'bout we finish our tea and you get some extra sleep?" Elliot suggests, pushing himself off the windowsill to walk back to the couch. "We can worry about hypothetical situations later."

Olivia nods and they sit back down to drink their tea. Elliot has made her the herbal tea she enjoys before going to bed and she appreciates his thoughtfulness. Maybe he's right. Maybe they won't need anything or anyone else once they are living under the same roof and tater boy joins the fun. It's not hard to imagine. In fact, it's not hard at all.

...

 **A/N: I know this is slow but easy does it, right? Please leave your thoughts in the review box below.**


	17. 10th Avenue

**Yay! Another chapter just one day after the previous one. I'm on a roll again ... Enjoy!**

...

 **17\. 10th Avenue**

It's mid December and the holidays are approaching. They are supposed to look at four apartments today and they hope they'll find something soon, so they will be able to move in January. Olivia still feels fit and would like to move before the pregnancy gets too advanced for her to enjoy decorating the new place. Elliot tells Olivia that they can stop the viewings at any time if she gets tired today but she waves it off.

"I'm 22 weeks along El. It's not like I'm an out-of-breath whale just yet."

Elliot looks at her from head to toe.

"No, you're not," he agrees and she sees the appreciation in his eyes. "Now we're meeting Murray the real estate agent at the first address so I thought we'd take a cab, and then tag along in his car from there."

Focusing on the task at hand, Olivia agrees,

"Sounds good. Let's go."

They have agreed on the apartments they want to look at, and they even found a four bedroom place that they might be able to afford. When they get there, they are both disappointed. The apartment is cramped and the bedrooms are all too small for their liking.

Murray is a nice young man that seems eager to close a deal. He tries to make conversation and, gesturing at Olivia's belly, he asks them if this will be their first baby. Elliot responds without blinking, telling the man,

"I have kids from my first marriage. That's why we need the extra room or rooms."

"Aha."

Murray nods understandingly and Olivia raises an eyebrow when Elliot grins at her. He stands closer to her and puts a hand on her back, and Olivia knows he is going to enjoy playing a couple for the rest of the day. They are good at that when the job requires it, like during short undercover stints, but this is real life, and Olivia finds herself needing to get used to doing this with Elliot. There is no need to tell the agent they're not a couple so she'll roll with it, but she wonders just how much fun Elliot plans to have. Right now, he's rubbing her back gently while they listen to Murray as he explains the pros of the neighborhood to them once more. Elliot assures him that the place is too cramped for them, regardless of the neighborhood, and that they'd like to look at the next apartment on their list.

Elliot holds the passenger door open gallantly for his 'wife' before climbing in the backseat of Murray's car. Murray chats happily about all the pros of the second apartment during the drive over and Olivia looks outside and watches the busy streets of New York pass her by. They are actually driving past her own street at one point, from Upper Manhattan down to Hell's Kitchen.

"You've chosen two places in Hell's Kitchen. You will be pleased to know that everything you will need is at walking distance from both apartments. Mere minutes away. Both apartments have three bedrooms and they are light and spacious. A perfect place for a baby to grow up."

They nod and hum politely, although Murray isn't telling them anything new. The second apartment on their list has two bathrooms and three bedrooms, and Olivia had hoped it would feel right. She needs to use the bathroom more often these days, so having two would be nice. But she feels a little disappointed again. She doesn't like the view, which consists of a grim-looking building with a lot of fire escapes, and the entrance of the building isn't very tidy. She glances at Elliot, who is looking at her for a reaction. She shakes her head ever so slightly and she can see by the look in his eyes, that he knows this won't be their new place. It just doesn't feel right.

Murray is undeterred and takes them to the third apartment, which is on 10th Avenue. Olivia grins when they get out of the car, and points at the donut shop across the street. Elliot smiles and in turn, points at the sports bar next to the apartment building they are headed for, and the steak house next to that. Olivia then spots and Italian restaurant down the road. First impressions of the neighborhood are good, and Olivia smiles when Elliot grabs her hand as they follow Murray into the 5 floor building. There is room for a store on the first floor, but it's currently unoccupied, and Murray leads them to the stairway.

"There's a laundry room in the basement and the super lives across the hall from the apartment we're going to see," Murray tells them happily before they climb the stairs to the second floor where the apartment is. He unlocks the door and as soon as it swings open, it strikes Olivia how bright the place is. It's completely empty but the warm color of the wooden floor combined with the bright white walls make her feel at home instantly. Elliot squeezes her hand and she looks up at him. He is smiling happily as well. Could they really have found their new home on their first day looking?

Murray shows them the kitchen, which isn't huge but has everything they need, including an oven, a dishwasher and a nice fridge. There is also a door that opens to a modest terrace and Olivia's smile grows.

"You can sit here if you want or dry your laundry, or just open the door for some fresh air. It faces the south, southwest, so you'll have lots of sunshine here," Murray tells them proudly.

"And the bar next door?" Olivia asks, looking down at the neighboring buildings from the terrace. "Any complaints about noise?"

"It's a sports bar," Murray tells them. "No rowdy crowds coming out of there in the middle of the night, if that's what you're worried about."

There are two King size bedrooms side by side, both doors facing each other in a small hallway that's only as deep as the doors. The third bedroom, tucked away between one of the big bedrooms, the spacious living room and the kitchen, is a bit smaller. The bathroom isn't very big but it has everything they need: a toilet, a sink with cabinets above and below, and a bath plus shower.

"Everything looks so new," Olivia muses, tracing the edge of the kitchen counter after they've seen everything.

Murray clears his throat and suddenly seems a little hesitant.

"Yes, ehm … this entire apartment was recently given a complete makeover. If you decide to take this place, you're going to hear it from the neighbors anyway so I guess I should tell you why."

Both Detectives raise an eyebrow and glance at each other before looking at the now slightly uncomfortable real estate agent again.

"Truth is, someone died in here."

Olivia bites her lip to keep herself from laughing. They are kind of used to death, which might be a bit morbid to some people, but it's the nature of their job.

"That's okay Murray. Not a problem for us," Elliot tells him, managing to keep a perfectly straight face.

Murray is visibly relieved.

"Well, they soiled the place and uh … the body was found after quite a while so … the entire place was thoroughly cleaned and then repainted. Even the ceilings. It was fitted with a brand new hardwood floor and both the kitchen and bathroom were renewed as well."

"I'm surprised it's still available then," Olivia muses, looking around her once more.

The apartment is spacious and light and it's so clean and neat that they will be able to move in immediately. It's much bigger than her current one-bedroom place so the only thing left to do will be to go shopping for new furniture.

"Yes. Well, there's the traffic of course. Not everyone likes to live in a busy street," Murray explains. "And I guess some people prefer a place without such a history," he adds a little sheepishly.

"A history they know of," Elliot adds and Murray's eyes widen a bit.

"Uh … yes. I … I guess that's correct. You never really know, right?"

"What do you think, dear?" Elliot asks, standing close to Olivia in the kitchen and grabbing her hand again.

He is enjoying this far too much, Olivia thinks, but she can't exactly push him away and so she gives him a sweet smile.

"I like it."

"Me too."

"We can scratch the viewing of place number four, not a problem," Murray interjects hopefully but the two Detectives are now focused on each other.

"Can you see us living here and raising our kids together?" Elliot asks, his eyes sparkling with amusement, but with tenderness in them as well.

"I can," Olivia replies, intentionally making her voice sound a little husky.

"Perhaps making a few more?" Elliot asks her softly, suggestively.

He's pushing it, but two can play that game and Olivia inches even closer to him until her breath hits his chin.

"Definitely."

The shock in Elliot's eyes is her reward and she bites her lip to keep from grinning too widely. But Elliot recovers quickly and lowers his head until his mouth is only an inch from hers, his hands now resting on her hips.

"Let's seal it with a kiss then."

Olivia groans involuntarily, her stomach doing a backflip but before she can even think about it, Elliot's lips already ghost over hers. Her brain short-circuits then and her body takes over when she responds by kissing Elliot back. His hold on her tightens a little and she holds on to his biceps as they kiss each other, softly, for no longer than a second. Murray is watching them, after all. Elliot looks a little dazed when he pulls back and Olivia looks away quickly. She isn't ready to see her own reaction to that kiss reflected back to her in Elliot's eyes. They shouldn't be doing this. It will only complicate things.

Murray asks happily if congratulations are in order, and when they both confirm that they won't need to see the fourth place, he pulls out a small stack of papers.

"I can send these to you digitally, but if you're ready to sign, we can do it right now," he tells them.

The two Detectives look at each other again and they agree silently. 10th Avenue it is.

...

 **A/N: More soon. I loved walking the streets of New York digitally to find these two a new place :)**


	18. 22 days

**18\. 22 days**

She knows she's been avoiding him but the truth is, she doesn't know what to think anymore. They are going through the motions, preparing for their move in January as well as for the holidays, but each time Olivia thinks Elliot may bring up that kiss, she makes sure he can't. He literally took her breath away and she's been thinking about it way too often. She's tried to convince herself it had been an act for Murray's benefit, but she knows better. Her reaction definitely hadn't been an act.

Right now, she plans on leaving work early to visit Amaya at the shelter to bring her a Christmas gift, and she has told Elliot she doesn't know when she'll be home. She'll just grab something to eat in the city so he can go about his own business.

To his credit, Elliot has been giving her space while he is busy with preparations for his confrontation with Kathy in court. She's heard him on the phone with Casey and she's glad that the ADA has agreed to help him. Elliot has just left for the interrogation room to grill a suspect with Fin when Casey comes into the squad room, apparently looking for him.

"El's in interrogation Casey. Is it urgent?" she asks the ADA.

"Well, I came to drop this off for Cragen," Casey tells her, dropping a file on Elliot's desk. "And it's not urgent but I had hoped to talk to Elliot about something."

Casey seems to hesitate and then sits down in Elliot's chair. She leans her elbows on the desk and rests her chin on her clasped hands.

"Liv, while I'm here, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

Casey glances around before continuing quietly.

"You know about the adultery charge, right?"

Olivia nods and sighs.

"Yes."

"Now I know there's no truth to it. Paternity is too easy to prove - or disprove - but I gotta ask … have there been any developments between you and Elliot since all of this started?"

Olivia stares at her friend and coworker with wide eyes.

"Where did that come from?" she asks her, feeling slightly unnerved.

"Well, Elliot told me about the apartment. It's great that he will be able to show the judge that he can have his kids over, but … the fact that he's sharing it with you may reflect badly on said charge."

"It's just ... practical," Olivia says. "I need a bigger place too for the baby, and Elliot had a hard time finding something nice on his own, since he's still paying for the house and will have to start paying alimony and child support soon."

"I understand all that, Liv. That wasn't my question."

Olivia leans back in her chair and blows out a breath slowly.

"I don't like the sound of that," Casey comments dryly and Olivia chuckles.

"Right. Well … I'm trying to keep my distance, Case. I don't wanna complicate things but …"

"You've had feeling for him for a long time."

Casey's statement hits her harder than she had expected and she just stares at the redhead for a moment. Casey shrugs and gives her a small smile.

"You've always been close, Liv. I guess it was only a matter of time. And now he's going to be a free man. But he isn't yet. You have to keep that in mind. He's going to be asked about your relationship and he will need to be able to answer truthfully that you're just friends. _Good_ friends, but nothing more. You're just helping each other out."

Olivia nods slowly.

"I'd appreciate it if you told him that yourself," she says after a few moments.

"Why?"

"Well uhm … I'm kind of avoiding these kinds of topics at the moment."

"Why?" Casey asks again, and then her facial expression changes to one of shock.

"Or did something happen already? Please, say it isn't so!"

"No … no Casey. It's just …"

"Just what Liv? Come on. I need to be prepared before the hearing."

Olivia makes a helpless gesture with her hands. She doesn't have to pretend with Casey but how can she explain what is brewing between her and Elliot? The things he's said to her, jokingly but letting on that it wasn't entirely a joke? And the way he'd held her? And kissed her when they had agreed on the new apartment?

"We're friends. That's true. We support each other, and the reason I agreed to share an apartment with him, was for his kids. But El's been … suggestive, to say the least."

"Have you been making out?"

"No!"

"Feeling each other up?"

"No!"

"Then what, Liv? Flirting?"

"I guess … well, him mostly."

"I'll tell him to knock it off. After the hearing he can jump you for all I care, but I need full deniability until then."

On that note, Casey leaves Olivia alone with her thoughts. Full deniability. She can do that. They can do that. They've been doing it for years after all.

…

Amaya is very surprised to see Olivia and tears up when she sees the gift Olivia has brought her.

"Us pregnant girls need to pamper ourselves," Olivia explains while Amaya looks out all the hair and skin care products one by one that she's bought for her.

"I … I don't know what to say," the girl stammers.

Olivia simply hugs her, telling her that she doesn't have to say anything, just enjoy taking care of herself. They chat for a while and Olivia is pleased to hear that Amaya is doing well, considering. She feels safe in the shelter and her father hasn't bothered her anymore. She's told her boyfriend about the baby and he's ecstatic about the prospect of becoming a father. He is more motivated than ever to clean up his act once he gets out of prison and there is hope in Amaya's eyes for the future.

"Have you told your baby daddy yet?" Amaya inquires.

Olivia shakes her head.

"Not yet, but I'm going to. Right after Christmas at 24 weeks, like you suggested."

"I hope he's as happy as Tony," Amaya beams, and Olivia manages to keep a happy smile pasted on her face.

"If he's not, I can be happy for two," she replies.

When she finally heads home, she is still thinking about it. She knows someone who is almost as happy for her as she is, and he's probably waiting for her at home. She thought she'd feel relieved now that Casey has practically ordered them to keep their distance from each other. But if truth be told, it makes her even more restless now. How will Elliot react, assuming that Casey has already talked to him? Will he think she has put Casey up to it? No, he wouldn't. He knows that she has no problem standing up for herself. Well, usually. It's not like it's difficult to tell a man off, but this is Elliot. And no matter how the thought of getting closer to him may scare her, for fear of losing their friendship, she knows she doesn't _want_ to tell him off. Their circumstances are too volatile right now but in the end, she knows she's screwed. The possibility of that which had seemed impossible for a long time won't let go of her anymore. She can blame her hormones all she wants but she knows that's crap.

They need to park their feelings - again - until further notice and the exercise is proving more difficult now than it used to be. There is something beckoning her, a glimpse of a future that she'd seen in those moments in the kitchen of their new place. _Their_ new place.

 _I thought I'd just stay with you._

Elliot's words won't leave her alone. He has no plans of starting to date again.

 _I thought I'd just stay with you._

"I want to stay with you too," she whispers in the confines of her car and hearing herself say it out loud makes it even more real. By the time she climbs the stairs to her apartment, she feels tired of all the thinking she's been doing. She enters the apartment quietly, kicks off her shoes and hangs her coat on the rack. She pads to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and she doesn't spot Elliot sitting on the couch in the dimly lit room until she walks over to the couch.

"Hey, I hadn't seen you sitting here," she says softly, hoping to mask the immediate tightness she feels in her chest.

"Hm," is all Elliot says.

She decides to sit in the only armchair she has and looks at her partner, who is nursing a beer while staring at the TV, which isn't even on.

"What are you doing?" Olivia asks.

"I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"Everything."

"Anything wrong?"

Elliot takes a deep breath before answering her.

"Court date has been set."

"Okay. And? When is it?"

"January 9th."

Olivia takes a long draw of her water, calculating in her head how many days it is until the 9th. It's December 18 now so twenty-two days.

"You nervous about it?"

Elliot finally looks at her but she can't really make out his face, since the only light in the room is coming from the kitchen behind him.

"Lets just say that this is not how I had imagined spending the holidays this year," he says dejectedly.

"I'm sorry," Olivia offers. "I wish things were different too. You should be with your family."

Elliot takes another sip of beer before answering.

"Maybe. But that's not what I meant."

Olivia frowns and searches the outlines of his face for clues as to what he means.

"You talked to Casey too, right?" Elliot asks her.

"I did."

She thinks she's starting to understand but she's afraid to just assume, so she waits for Elliot to say more.

"We'll be moving around that time too," Elliot remarks.

"Yeah. It will be busy. We have the whole month to move if you want to wait a little longer …"

"No," Elliot cuts her off. "I don't wanna wait. I hate waiting."

"El … if this is about …"

"I wanted to make the holidays special Liv. Show you what it could be like. And now … we gotta pretend like we have completely separate lives."

"Completely separate? Is that what Casey said? Because we're still good friends, El. We can still hang out."

Elliot nods slowly.

"I know."

"But?"

He shrugs then and takes another gulp of beer.

"Maybe I'm overreacting."

"It's all very stressful, it's only natural to …"

"I know Liv," Elliot interrupts. "It's fine."

Olivia's concern for her friend overrides her own nervousness and insecurity for the moment, and she stands up to sit next to him on the couch, placing her water bottle on the table. She takes the beer bottle from Elliot's hand and puts it on the table as well. It looks like it's his third already.

"What's wrong with being good friends?" she asks him when he finally turns his head to look at her.

Elliot reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, and lets his fingertips graze her cheek before he pulls his hand away.

"Nothing."

He looks at her more attentively and suddenly tells her,

"I like that you're letting your hair grow out."

Olivia chuckles and it elicits a smile from Elliot as well.

"Thanks. See. That wasn't so hard."

She can make out the look in his eyes now while he stares at her a few moments longer, and it's as if his eyes are asking her, you really don't have a clue?

But she does and the nervousness is back.

"Let's just … watch some TV before we go to bed, alright?" she suggests.

One corner of Elliot's mouth tugs up and she knows he's tempted to make another joke-that's-only-half-a-joke, so she places her index finger over his mouth before he can speak.

"Shush," she tells him, and now Elliot chuckles as well.

She grabs the remote and puts a sitcom on that's on perpetual rerun, and which they both enjoy. They both pick up their bottles again and settle in on the couch next to each other. When Elliot drapes his arm on the backrest behind her, Olivia scoots closer to him and rests her head against his shoulder. Elliot lowers his arm until it's around her shoulders, and squeezes her shoulder gently. They sit together in silence, watching the sitcom and chuckling from time to time at the silly jokes. After a while, Elliot rubs his cheek against Olivia's head and mumbles,

"This is nice."

"Yeah," Olivia says softly. "It is."

They can do this, she tells herself again. After all, it will only be for three more weeks.

...


	19. Good men

**19\. Good men**

On Saturday, Elliot goes over to Queens to see his younger children. He doesn't know if Kathy will let him in, but at least the kids will know he came to see them. He's texted Kathleen in advance, so he knows they're expecting him. He has no hopes of seeing the kids during the holidays but the least Kathy can do, for him as well as the children, is to let him see them, even if it's only for one afternoon.

Olivia is on call as backup for Munch and Fin, and she's promised Elliot that she will only call him if it's absolutely necessary, while Elliot has promised her to keep her updated on how things go in Queens.

Olivia has started packing all the baby things and their summer clothes. Anything she can do now, they won't have to do in January, and it gives her something to do. Elliot's already stocked the fridge and done the laundry, not wanting her to lift anything anymore at this point.

Olivia rubs her belly gently when she feels tater boy moving around. His movements are becoming more distinct and Elliot will be able to feel them any day now. She even thinks her son has been having hiccups a few times and it's a miraculous realization that there is a whole life growing inside her. A brand new life, waiting to happen, waiting to explore the world. She is already protective of him and she knows that will multiply a thousand times once her child is born. She smiles when she thinks of the new, sunny apartment where she will raise her son. She already has ideas for his room. There will be an extra bunk bed in his room for Elliot's kids, but his corner will be all his, with his own crib, changing table, books and toys. She wants to either paint his name on the wall or hang up wooden letters spelling his name and she can hardly wait to move in so she can get started.

Once all her baby supplies are neatly packed in moving boxes, Olivia lays down on the couch to take a nap. Elliot did put away his pillow this time but she finds it and breathes in his scent contently as she buries her face in the pillow. There's no use in denying it any longer and she's gradually getting used to that notion. However nervous it makes her, she does have feelings for her friend that don't fit the friend zone at all. She only loves him more for the respectful way he's been treating her since he moved from the cribs to her couch. She's his best friend above all and he'd never do anything to make her feel threatened by his presence or unsafe in her own home. In fact, she feels safer when he's there.

She has decided to blame her hormones for that particular development because until now, Olivia Benson has never needed anyone else to feel safe. She's got her physical fitness, her police training and her gun. Why would she need anyone else? She doesn't, she insists. It's just … nicer this way. Together. And there's an extra life to look out for now, so she reasons.

She smiles, closing her eyes. She can reason all she wants but she knows. Deep down, she knows. And despite having to keep their distance for now, it's getting easier and easier to imagine what it's going to be like. She thinks she won't need those ear plugs after all.

…

Olivia wakes up when she hears her phone buzz on the coffee table and rubs her face to wake it up before sitting up. "Sideways," she reminds herself. Better to get used to that already.

She reaches for her phone and grins when her belly gets in the way. This pregnancy is beginning to take serious shape now. She reaches her phone on the second try and opens her messages. She has one from Fin, telling her they are doing fine without her (with a wink) and to enjoy her weekend off, and two from Elliot. The first one reads,

' _Taking the kids out to Burger King. Dickie too. Fingers crossed. El'_

Her fingers tremble when she opens the second message. How have things gone with Dickie?

' _Had fun with the girls, so happy to see to see Liz again (my little peach). Kathleen says hi. Dickie was grumpy and quiet, needs more work. Will be home around four. El'_

Olivia checks the time and is surprised to see it is almost four. She gets up from the couch and decides to make some tea. It's chilly outside and she gathers that Elliot has probably spent some time with the kids outside. A warm drink will be good for him after the afternoon he's had. She is certain that he worries more about Dickie than he's letting on.

Elliot arrives just when the tea is ready and Olivia holds out a cup to him as soon as he's shed his coat and shoes, and walks up to her in the kitchen.

"Thanks," he says quietly.

Quiet is the right word to describe him right now and Olivia decides not to prod. He will tell her what's on his mind when he's ready. They drink their tea and go over a few ideas for dinner. Elliot tells her he's gotten them enough food for a week but if she wants to order something, it's fine with him. She watches him for a few moments and he smiles when he looks at her.

"The girls were great," he tells her. "When we were outside, Liz kept reaching for my arm. When the others were chatting among themselves, I told her that she needs to believe that I never went out to replace them with a new family. She said she believes me and she told me that she keeps quiet for Kathy's sake, but she and Kathleen talk a lot."

"I'm glad El. I know how much you've missed her," Olivia says.

"Kathleen says she's old enough to decide for herself which parent she wants to live with."

Elliot watches her for a reaction and for a moment, Olivia doesn't know what to say. She hadn't really thought about that possibility.

"You think she'd … she'd want to live with us?"

Elliot pulls his shoulders up and drops them again while blowing out a breath.

"I'm not sure what she wants. She's got all her friends in Queens. I do know I'm going to have to make it very clear that I'm not looking to take the kids away from Kathy. I just want equal rights, that's all. And I'm willing to pay my share. They're _my_ kids."

He's gotten a little agitated while speaking and Olivia puts a hand on his arm. Elliot smiles sadly at her.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize El. You can never overreact when it comes to your kids."

His eyes drop to her baby bump.

"Yeah," Olivia says with a smile. "I know I'm going to be exactly the same."

"I'm sure you are. You've always been a badass but wait until Momma Bear Benson comes out."

They both chuckle and Elliot's mood improves a little. They agree on cooking one of Elliot's new recipes together and enjoy a relaxed and relaxing evening together. They're both happy to catch up on some sleep over the weekend before they head out to work again on Monday morning.

…

Olivia's been fiddling with her phone. They're waiting for Elliot and Fin to bring in a suspect in their latest rape-murder case. Olivia has spent her day interviewing the victim's two sisters and her best friend, to get a better idea of how the woman lived her life. But the grieving family has left and she isn't busy at the moment.

She's flipping through the pictures on her phone and her breath hitches when she suddenly finds a selfie of her and Miguel. She was so sure that she'd deleted all of them but here it is. One picture.

It's a happy picture. They're both smiling brightly into the camera, with sand and sea in the background. It looks like it was taken near the little coffee place where they used to start their day. It had tables and chairs right up to the beach and they had loved to sit there, people-watching, and imagining life stories behind the people they were seeing. She'd really had a great time with Miguel. She had met him on her second day at the hotel, and they had hooked up two days later. He was one of the good guys and she'd felt good with him. Not in love, but if he'd lived in the city, she could have seen them become friends. She isn't sure why she is so worried that he might cause trouble once she tells him about the baby. He had been nothing but honest with her. He'd been upfront about his relationship status. He was still madly in love with his ex and wasn't looking for anything serious while on vacation. He had just wanted to clear his head and have some fun. He had been a perfect match for her at the time.

She remembers their talk about their roots, and how he had made her discomfort disappear when her father had come up.

" _So explain the name and the tan," Olivia asks with a grin. "Your name is Mexican but you look … well, not Mexican."_

 _Miguel chuckles and pulls her a little closer, kissing her temple as they stare out over the water together, still in their swimwear. The sun will be going down soon but it's still warm and his hot skin feels good against hers. Miguel has one arm wrapped around her shoulders, and her arms are around his waist._

" _My grandfather Miguel is Mexican. He immigrated here, started the family business and married an African American woman. Then out popped my dad and the Mexican name was carried on. Dad found an African American wife too and they made me. Voila - a dark and handsome guy with a Mexican name."_

 _Miguel spreads his arms and grins down proudly at her, showing off his perfect body. He is dark and handsome indeed. And incredibly well-built and muscular._

" _So don't you want to carry on the family tradition and find yourself an African American wife too?" Olivia asks him._

" _I've been working on it, Olive."_

 _His eyes become a little sad and she kisses his jaw. Miguel smiles at her again and remarks,_

" _There's something exotic about you too, though. What did they put in the cocktail to make a beauty like you?"_

 _It's her turn to become a little sad, and she stares at a small boat in the distance when she tells him,_

" _Unfortunately, I only know half of that story. I never knew my father."_

" _I'm sorry Olive. But your mom must have told you about him?"_

 _She shakes her head and Miguel turns her around so she is facing him._

" _No? How come?"_

 _She hadn't exactly planned to tell her summer fling about her disturbing ancestry but it all comes out then. Miguel holds her and talks to her soothingly, assuring her that she is a unique individual and a beautiful person inside and out, and that how she was conceived doesn't change that._

" _I for one am very taken with you, Olive. I wouldn't change a single thing about you."_

 _He kisses her then and she knows he means every word. He really is a good guy and he has no trouble taking her mind off her troubled past that night, or the remaining time they spend together._

"Earth to Liv."

"What?"

"You were miles away, Liv. Where did you go?" Munch asks, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Would it have something to do with the handsome man on your phone?"

...

 **Dun dun? Please review!**


	20. Making the Call

**To those of you who would rather see Miguel be a horrible person - I'm sorry. I promise you, you'll eventually be happy he's such a decent guy.**

...

 **20\. Making the Call**

 _"Earth to Liv."_

 _"What?"_

 _"You were miles away, Liv. Where did you go?" Munch asks, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Would it have something to do with the handsome man on your phone?"_

...

Olivia's eyes flick down to the screen of the phone in her hand. She and Miguel are still smiling happily in the summer sun and she quickly puts her phone face down on her desk.

"I was just … remembering last summer," she says, trying to sound dismissive but it actually comes out a little breathy.

"He seems nice," Munch remarks. "Is he uh …"

The older man gestures at Olivia and she nods.

"Yes. He is."

"And how does he feel about becoming a dad?" Munch inquires, perching himself on the edge of her desk.

"He doesn't know it yet."

Munch looks at her over the edge of his dark-rimmed glasses.

"I've been putting it off," Olivia sighs. "We're not ehm … we hadn't planned on seeing each other again."

"Do you have to tell him?"

"I do. I don't want my baby to have to wonder where they came from."

"Like you do," Munch adds understandingly. "I understand that. But why would you wait to tell him if you're so nervous about it?"

Olivia isn't aware that she is showing her nerves, but Munch has always been very perceptive.

"I was gonna wait until I'm 24 weeks along. Passed the magical border, so to speak. And I guess I don't want to ruin Christmas for him."

Munch smirks.

"Seems like a fitting Christmas present to me."

Olivia smiles then and her son decides to make himself known in that moment. She looks down and places her hand over the area where she'd felt the flutter of movement.

"Someone is agreeing with me. Recognizing my wisdom already," Munch quips.

"It's scary, John," Olivia says, not looking up at her friend. "What if he wants visitation or something? He lives in Florida."

"You're both adults, right? I'm sure that, if he's interested in his child, he will want what's best for him or her, just like you."

"You think so?" Olivia asks, finally looking up at Munch again.

"Only one way to find out, isn't there. But I'm sure you wouldn't have let him get very far with you if you hadn't sensed that you can trust the man."

"Up to a point, John," Olivia says, grabbing her phone again to look at the picture once more. "I liked him to spend my vacation with, not my life."

Munch shrugs and smirks again.

"Who knows? Things change."

"No."

Olivia shakes her head, looking away from Miguel's brown eyes and remembering a certain pair of blues instead.

"Okay," Munch says dryly.

He stands up, puts his hand on her shoulder once more and looks at her knowingly.

"Maybe you have more confessions to make than just this one."

Olivia bites her lip, knowing exactly what Munch means, and she's relieved that Munch simply turns around and walks away from her, back to his own desk. He's right, of course. And maybe she shouldn't wait any longer before calling Miguel. But that other confession … it will have to wait. At least until January 9.

…

"Hey El?"

"Hmmm?"

Elliot doesn't look at her, keeping his eyes on the busy New York traffic while they drive to Mercy Hospital to interview a rape victim.

"Do you think I should call him before Christmas?"

She sees his eyebrows shoot up and then watches him digest her words. Once she is certain he knows what she is referring to, she continues,

"I mean, I'm getting worked up just thinking about it. Maybe I should just get it over with."

Elliot nods slowly.

"Makes sense. Maybe you will stop worrying about him trying to take tater boy away from you. I mean, he never set out to start a family, right? He wants his ex back."

"Yeah. I suppose you're right. I never set out to have a baby either, but I'm older. And I always wanted a family. I don't even know if he wants one down the road."

Elliot glances at her and she can see curiosity in his eyes.

"Older?" he asks.

She grins. She should have known that would catch his attention. Yeah, she was with a younger guy.

"I can still turn the heads of the younger generation," she quips, cocking her head and giving Elliot her prettiest smile.

"O, I don't doubt that for a minute," Elliot growls and the tone of his voice sends little chills down her entire body.

It's almost as if his voice is caressing her, letting her know how attractive she truly is. To him. She huffs and looks out the window of the car. She won't be attractive for much longer, the way her body is starting to swell up. She swears her face is becoming rounder already.

Elliot clears his throat and she glances at him again, wondering if he wants to say something else. And then he asks her,

"How much older are we talking?"

Olivia chuckles and pats her partner's arm.

"It was all legal El. Don't worry about it. He's about ten years younger than me. So you're probably right. He won't be thinking of starting a family yet."

She can only hope she's right about that. When she looks at Elliot again, she can tell that he's still musing about the age difference between her and Miguel. He must think now that she has a thing for younger guys. Should she tell him she normally doesn't? That Miguel was just too cute and nice and mature to pass up, but she prefers the more seasoned, stable men, like her own best friend? No. She can't tell him that. She won't tell him that! What if she scares him off? She likes where they are now, finding their rhythm together and living under the same roof. Cragen's right. They have been getting along better than ever. They know what the other person is going through and one look is usually enough to pull them away from an outburst on the job. They have a good thing going here and she's not going to jinx it. Besides, she's pregnant. There is no way she's going to be able to seduce a man now. It will all just have to wait.

She sighs. What the hell is she thinking anyway? Seducing a man? Seducing Elliot? Oh my. No. They were talking about how she needs to call Miguel. A lot will depend on his reaction to the news that she's having his child.

"Well, if you think you should call him now, I'm here Liv. I'll listen in if you want me to and I'll leave you alone if you don't. Whatever you want."

"Thanks El," Olivia says sincerely. "I think … I think I'll want you with me when I make the call."

...

It's well after dinner and Olivia has been walking around the apartment aimlessly for a while now, still putting off the inevitable. It's three days until Christmas. Does she really want to do this now? Possibly ruin Christmas for Miguel just so she can sleep better again? Or worse. There's still the possibility that he'll have a bad reaction. She did wait over five months to tell him after all.

"Liv."

She stops pacing when Elliot calls out to her. He's sitting in the armchair and holds out his hand.

"Come on," he says kindly, beckoning her to join him.

He's holding her cell phone in his other hand.

"I'm scared El," she admits while approaching him.

"I've got your back, Liv. Always," Elliot promises.

She places her hand in his outstretched hand and lets out a tiny yelp when he pulls her into him, until she plops down rather unceremoniously in his lap.

"Oof. Sorry," she mumbles, but Elliot just smiles.

"Not a problem. Now take the phone and call him. I'm here."

"Hard to be missed," Olivia remarks as Elliot settles, helps her shift until she's sitting sideways in his lap, and wraps his arms around her expanded waist.

"That's the idea. I've got you, Liv. Both of you."

She smiles then. Elliot caresses her belly gently and she looks down at his hand. He is holding her and he is holding her child. One hand on her back and one on her belly. Nothing can happen to them now. She takes a deep breath and opens her phone, finds Miguel in her contacts and without any more hesitation, presses the call button. She puts the phone on speaker and closes her eyes while they listen to the phone as it rings. Once. Twice. Three times. She wants to hang up and just pretend she's never called him, but he's going to see a missed call from her. And then suddenly, he picks up.

"Olive?"

She can hear his surprise through the phone. His voice is familiar but at the same time, it's so strange to hear him again.

"Olive? Are you there?" he asks again, and Olivia knows she has to say something.

"Yeah. Hi," she says quickly.

"Hey," Miguel says, more cheerfully now. "How have you been girl? It's been a long time."

"It has, Miguel. Over five months. And I'm ... I'm okay. You?"

"Oh yeah. Remember I told you about Jamie? Well, it looks like we may be getting back together after all. We've been hanging out."

"That's great. I'm happy for you," Olivia says, hoping she sounds chipper enough, but she is feeling very tense. She is going to have to say something now.

"How 'bout you? You got someone to spend Christmas with?" Miguel asks, and she can just picture his disarming smile and the dimples in his cheeks when he grins.

Elliot's arms tighten a little around her, and she knows he's telling her to just say yes, she has someone to spend Christmas with.

"I do, actually," she tells Miguel, "but that's not why I'm calling."

"Okay. I was wondering if this was a social call. So tell me Olive. Why are you calling?"

...

 **A/N: ...**


	21. What if

**21\. What if**

" _Okay. So tell me Olive. Why are you calling?"_

…

Olivia takes a deep breath and feels Elliot's hand rubbing her back encouragingly. It's the moment of truth. Still, she has a hard time saying the words.

"Well … when we were together, do you remember that we got really drunk one time and … we didn't use protection? And then we didn't bother with it at all anymore?"

There is silence on the line then, until they hear Miguel take a breath.

"My God … don't tell me you weren't clean after all. No no no!"

He's thinking about an STD.

"Miguel, no. No! It's nothing like that. Just listen, okay?"

"Come on Olive! Why else would you call me out of the blue and start talking about us not using protection? Is it HIV? Just say it babe, so I can get tested."

Olivia squeezes her eyes shut and forces herself to keep on talking.

"No Miguel. I'm not HIV positive. I swear. I told you I was clean and and I am. I just … I called to tell you I'm pregnant."

She holds her breath after that and for a few moments, all she can hear is her own rapid heartbeat ringing in her ears. She starts to breathe out in small bursts when Miguel finally says something.

"Pregnant? Okay … well. Congratulations I guess. I know you always wanted a family but why … oh wait."

She can almost hear things click on the other end of the line.

"How far along are you?" Miguel asks, suddenly sounding tense.

"Twenty-three weeks."

Her voice sounds hollow, foreign even to herself, and Elliot's hand rubbing her back is the only thing keeping her grounded at the moment. The silence on the phone is deafening once more.

"It's … _mine?_ " Miguel finally croaks.

"Yes."

Then they hear Miguel chuckle nervously.

Geez, Olive. I mean … _man!_ This was the last thing I expected to hear! I … I need some time to …"

"Of course. I understand," Olivia manages to say, interrupting Miguel. "Just know that … that I'm not asking you for anything. I don't need money or anything else from you. I just wanted you to know because … I want my son to know where he came from, and that means you have to know about him too. He has a right to know. I don't want him to go through what I went through."

After another pause, Miguel asks,

"A son?"

"Yeah. We already know it's a boy."

"We? Who's we? You got a boyfriend now? You sure he isn't the daddy?"

Olivia glances at Elliot, who is staring intently at her phone and doesn't react visibly to the question Miguel has just asked.

"I'm very sure Miguel," she tells her former lover. "I'm sorry to spring this on you this way but … I never had any doubts about keeping him and I will take good care of him."

"Babe, I respect your decision to keep him but … I guess I never told you this, but one of the things Jamie and me used to argue about, was kids. She absolutely doesn't want them. _Ever_. If she finds out that I'm having one with another woman behind her back anyway … _man!_ She'll never talk to me again. She can never find out."

It sounds like Miguel is pacing and Olivia can't help but feel bad for him. Still, his initial response gives her some room to breathe. It doesn't look like Miguel will be hopping on a plane any time soon to claim his parental rights. And if he doesn't want his girlfriend to know, he won't ask her to ship the child out to Florida either.

She hears Elliot whispering softly near her ear,

"It's gonna be okay."

She nods and tries for a small smile, but she's still tense. Miguel is in shock right now but how will he feel about things in the morning?

"Miguel, I don't plan to tell anyone else about who the father of my child is. Don't worry about that. You don't even have to be on the birth certificate."

"Father. That's such a … weird word."

Olivia takes another breath to try and calm herself. Then she tells Miguel,

"I'm not asking you to be a father, Miguel. I just wanted you to know."

"Yeah. Okay. I just need to … can I call you back tomorrow? I gotta let this sink in."

"Of course. You have my number."

"Yeah. Even got your picture attached to it, but I guess I should delete that now."

"So Jamie won't see?"

"Right."

"Okay … then … I guess I'll talk to you later?"

"Right. I just gotta …. I'll call you back tomorrow."

"Okay. Talk to you then."

"Talk to you then. Bye Olive."

…

She almost drops the phone from her trembling hands after Miguel hangs up and Elliot takes it and puts it on the floor before wrapping his arms around her.

"Come here," he whispers and Olivia lets him hold her close while she tries to breathe through all the tension that's been bottled up inside her. She doesn't want to cry but she can't keep a few tears from escaping.

"It's okay," Elliot tells her softly and she's tempted to let it all out.

She hides her face in the juncture between his shoulder and his neck and closes her eyes, trying to keep her breathing steady, but she fails, letting out shaky puffs of air instead.

"You're gonna start hyperventilating if you don't let it out Liv," Elliot cautions and she knows he's right. But she never cries in front of other people and she hadn't planned on starting now.

"You can be strong another time Liv," Elliot whispers and that finally breaks her resistance.

Elliot just holds her without speaking while she lets out all the tension about having to tell Miguel. She cries softly at first, but then bigger waves of tension are finding their way to the surface, as well as tears of relief. After a while she's sobbing so hard that she can't help worrying about the little boy in her womb. But when she manages to ask, in between sobs, if she isn't upsetting tater boy, Elliot assures her she's not.

"I think he'll be relieved that mommy will be more relaxed after today," he tells her softly, and Olivia smiles through her tears.

"Thanks for being here," she manages to say before she tucks her face in the crook of his neck again.

"Always Liv. Always."

...

Olivia is glad she's finally called Miguel. She feels like a huge weight has been lifted. Her son's life won't be built on lies. But she doesn't sleep that night. As soon as she tries to relax in her bed, her mind starts bombarding her with a barrage of what-if questions. What if Miguel changes his mind? He did say Jamie doesn't want kids and they fought about it, so that means he _does_ want them. What if he wants to be a part of tater boy's life? What will that look like? What if he becomes angry at her for having the baby after thinking about things? What if Jamie finds out and Miguel hates her for messing up his chances with the woman he loves? She even goes as far as wondering what if everything goes fine at first and then Miguel comes to visit and falls in love with the baby?

Olivia heaves a sigh and turns around for the twentieth time when she hears a soft knock on her door. She rolls back on her back and frowns. There can only be one person at her bedroom door but she's still a little startled.

"El?" she says, and he opens the door quietly.

"Hey. Can I come in?"

Olivia sits up and scoots back until she's leaning against the headboard of the bed.

"What's up?" she asks her partner, and then she notices the mug in his hand.

"I made you some warm milk. Thought it might help you fall asleep."

Olivia bites her lip to hide the smirk that tries to form on her face.

"Didn't know I was keeping you up with my tossing and turning," she remarks.

Elliot sits on the edge of her bed, pulling one leg up underneath himself so he can face her, and hands her the mug.

"Couldn't sleep either," he tells her with a slight shrug. "A lot of stuff to think about."

"Yeah."

Olivia takes a sip of the milk and when the warm liquid reaches her stomach, she feels her body relax almost instantly.

"Tater boy likes milk," she tells Elliot with a smile.

"He's gonna need a new name soon," Elliot says.

"I was just thinking that earlier," Olivia says, nodding. "He is one huge potato by now."

"We'll think of something at our next doctor's appointment," Elliot states.

Olivia nods again and takes another sip of milk. It feels so natural to talk about these things with Elliot and to talk about 'we'. But they're not an official we. Yet. She glances at her partner again and he seems to be deep in thought.

"What did you think of Miguel?" Olivia asks him.

They've discussed Miguel's reaction a little after she had calmed down, but they haven't talked about what kind of a man he is yet.

Elliot looks at her and wiggles his head.

"He seems decent enough. He didn't blow up at you, so that's a plus. I don't know if I would have stayed that calm."

Olivia squints to study Elliot's face in the dimly lit room.

"Would you have been angry?"

"At you?"

She chuckles involuntarily. That would be something. Pregnant with Elliot's child.

"I mean in general," she adds. "If someone told you she was carrying your child and keeping it."

Elliot thinks about her question for a few moments.

"I'll just have to imagine being with someone I'm not involved with," he muses, and she realizes that he's probably never had those kinds of encounters. He married the first girl he got pregnant, and he's still legally married to that same person after almost twenty years. Even after his divorce, she doesn't expect him to venture into meaningless sex at all. He's just not that kind of man, no matter what Alex says.

"I do know that it's important to me to know everything about my kids so … if I had another one on the way, I would want to know immediately," Elliot finally says.

She knows that there is more to his remarks, and she finishes for him,

"But you'd never knock someone up you're not serious about."

Elliot looks at her and puts a hand on her knee over the covers.

"I'm not judging you, Liv. Or him."

"I know El. That's not what I meant. I just mean that this wouldn't happen to you. You'd be in the mother's life. She wouldn't have to call you."

"I guess you're right about that. But you never know. It's not like you planned to meet someone on vacation, is it?"

Olivia pulls her shoulders up and gives her partner a half smile.

"I was open to the idea."

"Of a relationship?"

She shakes her head then.

"No. Of a fling. I mean, we deal with sick sexual crap all day on the job. I need to be reminded just how great it's supposed to be from time to time."

Elliot nods and looks away, suddenly seeming a little uncomfortable.

"Still not judging me?" Olivia quips, placing her hand over his hand on her knee, but she knows she's only half joking. She isn't ashamed of how she has lived her life until now, but somehow she needs Elliot to understand.

"No," Elliot says softly, squeezing her knee.

She sees a trace of sadness in his eyes and she wants to tell him she doesn't need his pity, but when Elliot turns to her and reaches up his free hand to touch her cheek, she loses her ability to speak for a moment. The look in his eyes is intense and she wants to look away, but it's like she can't. Elliot is looking into her eyes, but she feels like he's looking straight into her soul while showing her his own. She feels drawn to him and she suddenly knows why he is a little sad. It's not because he pities her for her lifestyle. It's because he would have wanted to be the one to show her how great it's supposed to be.

She takes a deep breath, and Elliot's eyes move to her parting lips. She wants to say something but she's afraid to break the spell. Then, Elliot seems to snap out of his daze. He drops his hand from her face and stands up, pulling his other hand from underneath hers in the process.

"Finish your milk and try to get some sleep?" he says, his voice sounding raspy and strained.

"Yeah," Olivia whispers.

She blinks a few times when Elliot leans over her and kisses the top of her head, before practically bolting out of her room. She clutches her warm mug and takes a few deep breaths before drinking the remaining milk. Get some sleep, he says? He's just given her even more to think about!

...

 **A/N: Another "what if" ...  
To be continued.**


	22. Restless

**22\. Restless**

The next day, Olivia is a little restless. After too little sleep, they are up early and head out to work, but Olivia keeps checking her phone. She wonders what has been going through Miguel's mind during the night. She is very much aware that that one phone call she made to him the evening before, has changed his life forever. She remembers that first weekend when she had just found out she was pregnant. She hadn't been able to think about anything else. She doesn't regret telling Miguel about the baby, it's given her some sense of peace, but she does feel sorry for upsetting his life like this. He's a good man, and she can only hope that he will accept the fact that he will have a child in New York, and that he'll be able to go on with his own life.

"You okay?" Elliot asks her during their lunch break in the breakroom at the station.

Olivia shrugs.

"Just thinking."

"I understand. I don't think he'll call during the day though. He knows you have a job and I take it he has one too?"

It's two days before Christmas but it's a normal Tuesday so Olivia assumes that Miguel is, indeed, working. He may even be busier than usual because of the holidays.

"Yeah. His grandfather started the family bakery in Tampa and it's grown a lot since. Miguel's the third generation and he's second in command now, preparing to take over from his father one day."

"A baker? Does he make cakes too?" Elliot asks, attempting to distract Olivia from her worries, but Olivia shakes her head.

"Don't, El. He's not going to be catering our parties. He's not going to be a part of my life. Not like that, anyway. Would you really want that?"

"I guess it would be uncomfortable," Elliot admits. "I'm just … hoping that he'll be accomodating."

"I get it El. But frankly, I just hope he will accept it and go on with his own life."

Elliot nods and takes another bite of his club sandwich, but she can almost hear him thinking. If he had a child somewhere, he would definitely want to be part of its life. That's just the kind of man that he is, and she loves him for it.

Olivia swallows hard when she realizes what she's been thinking. Love? Really Benson? It's just an expression, right? But she's loved him as a friend for a long time, hasn't she? That's love too, she tells herself. She knows very well that she's been developing a different attraction to Elliot though. She thinks it's probably always been there, but now, it's just starting to take up more space, since Kathy kicked him out.

"You okay?" Elliot asks her again, watching her intently.

"Would you stop asking me that?" Olivia snaps. "I'm fine. Just … let's just get back to work."

Elliot raises an eyebrow and she expects a snide comeback, but he settles for a simple, slightly sarcastic "yes ma'am". He knows perfectly well that Olivia will get the message. She rolls her eyes, not ready to admit that there really wasn't a reason to snap at her partner. She just needs to stop thinking about him in any other capacity than her partner while they're on the job.

...

Elliot doesn't make it easy for her.

They have a new case after lunch, and on the drive from the crime scene to the hospital, he suddenly asks her,

"Liv, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Last night, when I asked you if you were hoping to meet someone during your vacation, you said you were open to a fling but not an actual relationship."

Olivia's eyes widen a bit and she forces herself to keep looking straight ahead at the car in front of theirs. She hadn't expected Elliot to ask her something so personal in the middle of their work day.

"Uhm, yeah. I did say that."

"But I know you always wanted a family, so … why weren't you hoping for more than a fling?"

Olivia drops her head against the headrest of her seat and studies his profile. Is he serious?

"I was in Florida. It wouldn't have been very practical, El," she sighs.

"Okay."

She knows he wants to ask her more but she hopes he'll just drop the entire subject.

"So you do look for more on dates here in the city?"

Why doesn't he stop talking ...

"Of course I do."

He seems to accept her answer for now but unfortunately, now the subject won't leave her own thoughts. Does she really look for more when she's on dates in the city? Doesn't she simply date for the same reason she had slept with Miguel on vacation? To experience good sex as opposed to the twisted things they are confronted with on the job? She doesn't ever open up to her dates. Not really. Most of them don't even know what she does for a living. She prefers it that way because once they find out she's part of the 'sex police', they are either creeped out or way too interested to know more about it. The only ones who are normal about the job, are her coworkers. And the only coworker she's ever truly opened up to, is Elliot ...

They arrive at the hospital and Olivia focuses on her job. The woman who was attacked earlier deserves her full attention and they both switch to cop mode effortlessly once they walk into the examining room together.

…

"I hate this," Elliot mumbles under his breath when they leave the room an hour later.

Olivia sighs as they walk. She knows why Elliot is upset and she doesn't flinch when he slams the sliding door on their way out of the hospital.

Olivia looks at her partner and can see the horror in his face. She puts a hand on his arm and they stop walking. She just looks at him, knowing that he needs to talk to find his bearings again, and work this case like any other.

Elliot sighs and shakes his head, closing his eyes for a moment.

"I know you noticed it too," he says, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"I did. They could be sisters."

Their victim looks so much like Kathy that it's uncanny. Elliot looks out over the parking lot and Olivia squeezes his arm comfortingly.

"Why don't you call her tonight? Just to make sure she's alright."

Elliot scoffs.

"Call her? How do you think that's gonna go? Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you but we just had a rape victim who looks like you? I've always made sure to keep this stuff away from her."

He suddenly starts walking again and Olivia drops her hand from his arm. She has to walk fast to keep up with Elliot. When he reaches the driver's side of the car, he turns to her and looks over the roof of the car when he tells her,

"Let's just solve this case and get justice for Mrs. Barnes."

And that's the end of their conversation.

But it stays on Olivia's mind for the rest of the day. She knows Elliot still loves Kathy, despite everything. He is still protective of her. He may say he can do without her, but Olivia is pretty sure he'd want his wife back if she apologized to him for accusing him of cheating on her. It makes her restless and she has a hard time acknowledging why. At one time, it had been second nature to push her own feelings aside. But now that there is more room for them, she finds it increasingly difficult to push them out of her mind. Besides, she and Elliot are renting an apartment together as of next month. He can't just leave again because she wouldn't be able to afford it on her own.

All in all, it only adds to her own unrest to think that she may be renting a place with Elliot, but he will never be completely hers. Kathy will always be his first love.

...

They work their case, canvassing the neighborhood and talking to the husband and the oldest of their victim's three children, but they can't find any usable leads on the first day. The lab is backed up and won't have anything for them until tomorrow and an air of defeat hangs between the two partners at the end of the day. Elliot had wanted to wrap this case up quickly for obvious reasons, and Olivia had wanted to for him. The only upside is, that they are going to have dinner at a reasonable hour. They pick up pizza on their way home and eat in front of the TV.

Olivia feels a thump in her left side and sits up, putting her right hand over the spot. She glances at Elliot, who is still staring at the TV. Their mood hasn't improved much until now, but her son is providing a very welcome positive note to their evening. She feels another thump, and this time, she feels it against her hand as well.

"El," she whispers, almost afraid to distract tater boy.

Elliot looks at her and then down at her arm across her belly.

"Give me your hand," Olivia says quietly, holding out her own hand but sitting perfectly still otherwise.

"Tater boy?" Elliot asks, a small smile appearing on his lips while he sets down his slice of pizza.

Olivia nods and grabs his hand to guide it to the right spot. He is sitting on her right side, so he needs to reach around her belly and he scoots closer to her, until their thighs are touching, draping his left arm behind her on the backrest of the couch.

"There," Olivia whispers, looking at Elliot expectantly while they wait for her son to kick again. And then he does and two pairs of eyes beam at each other. He felt it too!

"It's amazing, isn't it?" Olivia asks her partner and he nods.

"Kind of puts everything in perspective again, doesn't it?" he muses.

He grins when the baby kicks against his hand again.

"Yeah," Olivia agrees, and she places her hand over Elliot's, looking down at their hands on her belly. There is still a lot of good in the world that they can enjoy, and her child is one of those good things. "He's gonna have a good life."

"He is," Elliot agrees. "We're gonna make sure of that."

"We are," Olivia agrees, but her heartbeat speeds up a little at Elliot's casual use of the word 'we'.

She turns her head to look at him and is a little shocked at how close his face is to hers.

"I'll support you every step of the way Liv," Elliot says, and it tells her that maybe his use of the word 'we' hadn't been so casual after all. "I'll be there for your son too."

"Thank you," Olivia says softly, almost whispering. "But I'm not asking you to take care of us, El. Just because we're going to be sharing a place …"

"Shhhh," Elliot says and she swears his face is now even closer than before.

Her son decides it's time for another firm kick and Elliot's eyes flick down from her face to their hands. They both smile and when Elliot looks into her eyes again, her breath hitches. The way he's looking at her now, definitely suggests he'd want to share more with her than just an apartment.

"I could be a father figure to him," Elliot mumbles, his eyes dropping to her lips.

Olivia bites her lower lip and then reminds her partner,

"El, Casey did say we shouldn't …"

Elliot drops his forehead against hers then and sighs. Olivia closes her eyes, trying very hard not to let her feelings overwhelm her. She opens them when Elliot takes a breath to say something, but the shrill sound of her phone ringing startles them both and they pull back simultaneously. Olivia stares at her phone on the coffee table and her stomach drops when she sees the caller ID on the display.

"Miguel."

...

 **Dun dun? Please review!**


	23. Relief

**For the record, the cases I throw into this story, are made up. Also, they work on several cases at once, just like in real life. Having said that, on with the story!**

...

 **23\. Relief**

"Hey."

"Hi Olive. How are you feeling?"

Miguel sounds a little concerned and Olivia can't help smiling. Elliot is watching her while listening to their conversation on speaker.

"I'm doing well. Everything is going as it should with me and the baby."

"Good. That's good," Miguel says. "I'm still getting used to the idea you know."

"I understand that. But you do know I'm not asking you for anything right?" she reminds him.

Olivia glances at Elliot, who has moved away from her and is picking up his last slice of pizza to eat it. Only seconds ago, he had seemed ready to give in to the pull that is growing between them but now he is keeping his distance, giving her space.

"I know and I appreciate it, Olive. Because … well, you know … I really don't need this in my life right now. I know that sounds horrible. It's my kid after all and … and I don't wanna just turn my back on him but ..."

Olivia can tell that Miguel isn't really done thinking about things but it's obvious, now that he's had a day to think about it, that he still has no plans to claim any rights to his child. Goosebumps form all over her body and she shivers involuntarily as it starts to sink in. It's really going to be okay. It's really going to be okay.

"It's alright, Miguel," she tells the stammering man at the other end of the line. She feels stronger now. More secure, and it gives her the focus to find the right words for Miguel. "I just wanted you to know so, if he decides to go and find his biological father one day, he won't come falling from the sky for you. That … that would feel like a lie to me. I mean, you would have missed each other's entire life without having a say in it. At least now, you have a choice."

"Yeah. I do."

They both pause and Olivia glances at Elliot again. He has finished his pizza and stands up to clean up.

"So what's next?" Olivia asks Miguel, her eyes following Elliot's every move while he walks to the kitchen.

"I talked to my cousin this morning," Miguel tells her. "Swore him to secrecy. I know he'll never tell Jamie or anyone else. My cousin helped me to clear my head and make up my mind."

"Alright. That's good," Olivia says, feeling a little tense at his words. What could he have decided?

"After thinking it all through, I wanna ask you something," Miguel continues.

"Okay. Shoot."

"Could you just keep me posted as to where you are? Like if you move, that I'll get your new address? I mean, I know I'm not gonna win any father of the year awards, but I'd like to know where the kid is, in case I wanna see him. Would that be okay with you?"

Olivia starts nodding even before she starts speaking. Gradually, a very happy feeling is starting to fill her up. All her fears of losing her baby or having him only part time are dissolving.

"Yes. Yes, of course. And I'll let you know once he's born. Of course I'll keep you updated on where we live, no problem at all," she says, speaking fast from sheer relief.

"Great. Thanks, Olive."

"Thank you too, Miguel."

"For what? Knocking you up?" Miguel replies, and she knows he must be grinning now.

She chuckles and wonders if her baby will have Miguel's dimples. He's going to be one handsome kid, she's sure of that.

"I guess that too," she replies, "but I meant that you're so accepting and that you're not trying to take the baby away from me."

"What?"

He sounds genuinely surprised.

"Seriously Olive?"

"Well …"

She hesitates, a little surprised at Miguel's sudden vehement reaction.

"I know I'm young Olive, but, well, call me old-fashioned if you want but I just feel a child should be with his mother. And I know you'll be a great mom to him. If I didn't think so, I think it would be different but I know you'll give him all the love and care he needs. You and your new boyfriend I guess. You think he'll make a good substitute dad?"

Olivia looks at Elliot, who is now looking at her too from the kitchen. Hadn't he just told her he would want to be a father figure to her son? But she can hardly call him her new boyfriend at this point, although she had let Miguel think that she had a new man in her life the day before.

"He's not …" Olivia starts, but then she sees a sly smile start to form on Elliot's face and she forgets what she was going to say.

"He's not?" Miguel responds, sounding a little shocked.

Elliot's smile widens and he leans on the breakfast bar, clearly amused and curious to hear what she'll say next.

"Ah yes, yes, of course he is," Olivia stammers and she feels her face flush. "It's just … it's still a little fresh."

"Aaah," Miguel says slowly. "I get it. You're still reeling him in. But the big question is, is he as handsome as I am?"

Olivia can't help but laugh at Miguel's cocky question but she doesn't know what to say. The banter with Miguel feels familiar but it's completely uncomfortable with Elliot in the room. Meanwhile, Elliot is still watching her and he is now also amused. Both men are having fun at her expense and it's a little annoying. Olivia huffs and Miguel proves to her once again that he has a very keen mind when he asks her,

"He's with you now, isn't he? Well, I understand that you can't say out loud that nobody's better looking than me Olive."

Miguel laughs out loud at his own joke and Olivia laughs too.

"I'm not going to comment on that if you don't mind," she tells her former lover dryly.

"Ah, why not? I'd like to know," Elliot suddenly pipes up as he walks up to her. "The name's Elliot, Miguel."

He's actually inserting himself in the conversation and posing as her new boyfriend? Olivia tries to give him her patented Benson glare but fails miserably when Miguel greets Elliot happily and Elliot sits back down next to her.

"Hey Elliot, good to hear from you. So you're gonna be looking out for Olive now?"

"Absolutely," Elliot says firmly, looking into Olivia's eyes. "For her and the baby."

"Thanks man. I know Olive's quite a catch but you're getting an instant kid, too."

"It's _her_ child. That's all that matters to me," Elliot declares, never breaking eye contact with Olivia.

"This guy sounds like a keeper Olive," Miguel remarks.

Elliot is still looking into her eyes and she can't ignore the longing she sees underneath the surface of his smile. On top of that, his words move her.

"I am," Elliot declares and Olivia swallows before finally looking away.

She looks at her phone and tries to think of how to proceed. On the one hand, Elliot is making her nervous and Miguel is a welcome distraction, but on the other hand, she wants to end the call with Miguel amicably so she can finally relax.

"Alright … I guess that it's settled then," she begins a little hesitantly. "I'll text you our new address later."

"Yeah. Just one more thing," Miguel says. "When are you due to give birth?"

"April 19," Olivia tells him without hesitation. The date has been seared in her brain from the beginning.

"Okay. Thanks."

"Thank _you_ , Miguel. For being so good about all of this."

"It's alright Olive. I can't blame you for keeping the baby, even if I wanted to. I don't wanna be that guy."

"I appreciate it."

"Just take care, okay? And keep me posted."

"I will. Bye."

"Bye."

Olivia lets out a long sigh after ending the call and leans back against the cushions of the couch. She cradles her baby bump with both hands and closes her eyes for a moment while she allows the relief she is feeling to fill her entire being. It's really going to be alright. A child should be with his mother, Miguel says. Even if he changes his mind and wants to see his son, he won't take him away from her.

"So," Elliot says next to her, and she opens her eyes slowly, turning her head without lifting it to look at him.

"So."

"It's still a little fresh?"

She can tell that he's trying not to grin, but one corner of his mouth tugs up anyway.

"I'd say frozen solid," she quips, surprising both of them a little with her comeback.

"Ouch," Elliot says dramatically, but then he relaxes too and smiles at her.

"Relieved?"

"Yeah," Olivia says with a tired but happy smile.

"I'm glad Liv. And you heard the man, right?"

She raises her eyebrows, wondering what Elliot is referring to.

"I'm a keeper," he clarifies with a grin.

"Yeah. About that."

Before she can continue, Elliot holds up both hands in mock surrender.

"I know Liv. I know what Casey said. But still."

"Frozen solid, El," Olivia repeats. "For now anyway."

Elliot watches her and she knows her last words were clearly meant to keep the door open, even if it's just a crack.

"El," she says, shaking her head slightly. "Let me recover from that phone call before we open a new can of worms?"

His face softens and he nods.

"Alright. You wanna watch some TV?"

"No."

She closes her eyes again, suddenly feeling very tired.

"I think I just want to sleep."

She hears Elliot move around, turn off the TV and then she feels his arm move behind her once more. She lifts her head and rests it against his arm once he is settled in next to her. He pulls her closer until her head rests on his shoulder and she breathes out contently, wrapping her arm around his waist. It's just for a few minutes before she goes to bed, she tells herself. She just needs a moment to digest everything Miguel has said. She listens to the sound of her own heartbeat - or is it Elliot's? - while she goes over both phone calls with the biological father of her baby once more. She shouldn't have worried about Miguel at all. It's just her nature to distrust anyone and everyone else, but her first instinct about Miguel is proving to be right once more. He's one of the good guys. She can tell her son that when he's old enough to know where he came from. That whatever was passed on to him from his father's side, is all good. Her own side is another matter but she doesn't want to worry about that now. Her breathing is starting to even out and she feels heavy. Elliot's arm tightens around her as if telling her to stay. And she does, falling into a deep, dreamless sleep against her partner's shoulder.

…

 **A/N: I know this is moving slowly but I'll update again soon. Meanwhile, reviews are life.**


	24. Happy new year

**So, is anyone wondering if we're going to see more of Miguel down the road? Maybe we will … But first, our non-couple has to get through the holidays and to the custody hearing.  
There will be a few little time jumps to move the story along, I hope you won't mind.**

...

 **24\. Happy new year**

Olivia wakes up in her own bed the next morning and can't help wondering how she got there. Could she have slept that soundly, that Elliot had been able to steer her into the bedroom without waking her? Or even carry her? She can't imagine it but she has to admit, she has slept better than she has in weeks. She's still in most of her clothes so she assumes that she has indeed been transported while at least half asleep. Only her sweater has been taken off and nothing else.

When she wanders into the living room after freshening up and changing, Elliot's already up and making them breakfast as usual. He looks rested too and she's glad. It will be good to have this reprieve before tensions start rising again as they approach the custody hearing.

They would both have been on call this year, but Cragen has decided to switch shifts around due to Olivia's pregnancy. She tries to object, feeling the need to be treated like everyone else, but her coworkers as well as the Captain are all unanimous. She will have Christmas Eve as well as Christmas day off. The team will only be on call for emergencies, so she wouldn't have much to do anyway because of her modified duty.

Since Elliot doesn't have a family dinner to get home to like previous years, he's not so lucky and Olivia feels disappointed. While she's trying to keep Elliot at arm's length for now, she had looked forward to spending Christmas with him and Maureen, something Elliot had hinted at over the past week. When Alex calls her and asks if she can come over on Christmas Eve with a present for her and the baby, she gladly accepts. Elliot smiles at her and tells her he's glad she won't be alone.

"It would have been nice to have you there too," Olivia admits.

"Next year," Elliot says, and he speaks with such conviction that she has no choice but to believe him when he adds, "it'll be us and our kids."

"I hope so," she says quietly.

She can picture it now, the twins playing with her little baby boy, Kathleen fussing over him like a big sister …

"We'll make it happen," Elliot says and Olivia nods.

"We will."

…

Olivia has a relaxed evening with Alex, who has gotten her and the baby the cutest matching bonnets, scarves and mitts Olivia has ever seen.

"I would have gotten Elliot a set too, but I wasn't sure if that would be too forward," Alex says dryly and Olivia rolls her eyes.

"That's a yes then? No movement at all on that front?" the attorney inquires.

"Even if there was, I wouldn't tell you at this stage, Alex. We're strictly in the friend zone until the custody hearing is over. Casey's orders."

"And how is that working out?"

"Fine," Olivia says quickly. "We've been doing it for five years after all."

"Right," Alex says, watching her friend attentively. "But after the hearings?"

Olivia sighs.

"I don't know Alex. Honestly. I've got these pregnancy hormones messing me up as it is and Elliot seems to …"

When she stops talking, Alex asks,

"Seems to what?"

Olivia shakes her head.

"Doesn't matter. We haven't talked about it. Right now, we're just two friends helping each other out financially by sharing an apartment."

"Right," Alex says again. "Of course you are."

Olivia urges her friend to drop the subject and they decide to watch a corny Christmas movie together until it's time for Alex to leave for a late date.

Olivia is already sleeping by the time Elliot gets home on Christmas Eve and they exchange gifts the next morning. Olivia has gotten Elliot a set of frames for the pictures of his children and has framed Elizabeth's drawing already, so he can hang them on the walls of their new place. Elliot has gotten Olivia a locket pendant to put on her necklace, that will hold two small photos. For her mom and her son, Elliot tells her. They share a friendly hug and then go out for tea in the city before Elliot has to be back at the station at noon.

Elliot seems to have accepted that they need to put up all their walls again, shielding them from getting any closer, at least until the hearing is over. His hand on her back every now and then during their work day isn't unusual. He's been that way from their very first year together. And it works. They manage to live side by side, right up until the department's New Year's Eve party.

...

It won't be a big party, since most of the NYPD is working overtime this night but Olivia is looking forward to it. She is still able to move around but she knows that will start to change soon. She wants to dance while she still can. Finding something to wear has been a challenge, but she has managed to find a flattering black dress that drapes elegantly around her body in several layers and ends just below the knee. It leaves her arms bare and she will wrap an elegant black shawl with golden glitters around her shoulders for warmth. The golden glitters match her earrings as well as the pendant she got from Elliot for Christmas. Her oversized black pantyhose still fits over her belly and she has decided to wear two-inch high heels for the occasion. Her hair has grown out far enough for her to be able to pin it up partially and when she looks at herself in the mirror, she has to admit she is glowing. Pregnancy does look good on her.

Elliot has sent his suits to the drycleaners and has told her he'll change at the station and meet her at the party, which is being held on the top floor of the 1-6. It isn't a date, Olivia tells herself, and coming in separately will make it look even less like a date. Still, she is looking forward to spending this special evening with her coworkers, but especially with Elliot. He called his children earlier and again, Dickie hadn't wanted to talk to his father. Kathy had taken the phone away from Elizabeth after just half a minute and they are both glad that at least Kathleen has her own phone. Kathleen isn't mincing words with her brother but there seems to be no getting through to the ten-year old, who is utterly disappointed in his father and believes his mother without question. This party will help Elliot get his mind off of things for a while. It's only nine days now until the hearing and she wants him to have a good time tonight.

She is chatting with Casey and Fin when Elliot enters the room and she does a double take when she sees him standing tall in his tuxedo, scanning the room. She knows he's looking for her and when their eyes meet, his face lights up. He smiles walking up to the small group and feigns shock when he notices the warning glare Casey is giving him.

Fin, who is oblivious to the interaction between the other three, greets him with a firm handshake. Fin is wearing a tuxedo too and however different both men are, they seem to be bonding instantly over their matching attire.

"Would you look at us, Liv," Fin says with a grin. "It's gonna be impossible for the ladies to choose between us."

Olivia laughs out loud, but her smile fades when Fin corrects himself.

"Nah, who am I kiddin'? I don't stand a chance with you against this guy. How 'bout you, Novak? Wanna dance?"

"Ugh," Casey sighs and Fin makes a gesture as if asking them, what did I do?

"It's not you Fin," Casey says with a sigh while standing next to him and looping her arm through his. "You two, just know that I'll be watching you!" she warns Elliot and Olivia before walking over to the dance floor with Fin.

"Maybe you shouldn't. Deniability, remember?" Elliot calls after her but Casey is not amused.

"El," Olivia says softly.

She's all for distracting him from his concerns about his children but they still need to be on their best behavior. Elliot wraps his arm around her waist and rubs her side gently.

"Don't worry Liv. I'll behave. People here gossip too much as it is. I just want to have a fun evening with my partner and roommate and not have to think so much, okay?"

"Okay," Olivia mumbles hesitantly as she is being guided towards the dancefloor as well.

She isn't sure what 'not thinking so much' will entail, because she needs to stay alert at all times, especially when Elliot holds her close like he's doing now. He's a good dancer but she is aware of every square inch their bodies are touching. He can't really get around her belly at this point and she feels like she's squished against his hard, muscular body. The only upside of that is, that other parts of her body are shielded from too much contact at this point.

They greet several other dancing couples on the dancefloor and chat a little with Munch and his dance partner Rita Calhoun, who explains her presence at the NYPD party by telling them she's actually Ed Tucker's plus one. When both Detectives raise an eyebrow simultaneously, Rita explains that it was the only way for her to get in and all four of them chuckle. Still, as the evening progresses and more alcohol is consumed by most of the guests, they see Rita hanging on Tucker's arm more often, and the man is clearly interested in having his way with the defense attorney.

"Wouldn't be surprised if Tucker got laid tonight," Olivia muses as she and Elliot head over to the bar.

Elliot just chuckles and winks at her, then holds up his glass to Tucker by way of greeting. Tucker's triumphant grin confirms their suspicions of the Lieutenant's plans of the evening.

"I can think of better ways to ring in the new year," Olivia says, shivering at the thought of seeing Lieutenant Tucker out of his clothes.

"Hmmm, you sure?" Elliot asks her suggestively.

"Better ways than sleeping with Tucker? Absolutely!"

Elliot laughs out loud then and hands her a glass of grape juice.

"I agree. You can do a lot better Liv," he tells her with a wink, and Olivia just shakes her head.

A while later, Munch drops by again and asks Olivia for a dance. The band is playing laid-back jazz music as they approach the new year and Olivia enjoys being whirled around the dancefloor by her friend. She hasn't had any alcohol but feels a little lightheaded anyway. When she misses a few steps, she admits to Munch that she's feeling a little dizzy. Munch escorts her back to her partner immediately, telling both of them that Olivia might need to sit for a while. Olivia thinks they are overreacting but lets Elliot lead her to one of the smaller tables anyway. He gets her some water before he joins her.

"It's gonna be 2004 soon," he says as he sits down next to her.

"Yeah. A new year, and a year with lots of changes."

"Change isn't easy but I think most of the changes we're facing are good ones, right?"

Olivia rubs her belly and smiles.

"For me, yes. But for you?"

She looks at her partner, who is watching the dancing couples on the dancefloor. She wonders if he's thinking of Kathy. His wife would have been his plus one tonight if she hadn't gotten herself pregnant …

"We have to make do with what's thrown at us," Elliot says after a few moments. "But in the end, I think the changes will be good for me too."

"You really mean that?"

Elliot reaches for her hand and she lets him take it.

"I do," he says softly. "I hate what my divorce is doing to my kids, but for me? I think I've known for years that this was going to happen one day. I was so tired, Liv. Tired of trying to carry the load for both of us. I was doing it for the kids in the end, not for her. It hasn't been for her for a long time."

"I'm sorry El," Olivia says quietly, stubbornly ignoring the glimmer of hope that is starting to glow brighter in the back of her mind.

She shouldn't be happy about the death of his marriage or the pain he and his children are in because of it. But his words, combined with the feeling of his thumb gently caressing the inside of her hand … she just can't help it that she feels hopeful.

"Don't be," Elliot says firmly, and she's almost disappointed that he pulls his hand away as he sits upright and rubs his palms over his thighs.

"If anything, I should thank you for speeding up the process and convincing me that it really was a hopeless situation."

"I never meant to …"

"Liv, stop. Please. I know that. You did nothing wrong, okay? Kathy and me, _we_ got it wrong. Not you."

Olivia wants to cling to his words but she knows she will still feel some form of guilt about the situation, and she will always wonder if Elliot and Kathy would ever really have broken up. Elliot isn't a quitter. Never has been. He just feels forced to quit now.

She stands up again when the host of the party announces that they are almost ready for the countdown from 10 to zero, to ring in the new year. Elliot quickly moves next to her, still concerned about the dizziness she had experienced earlier. The host urges everyone to come closer to the modest stage and then points up at several branches of mistletoe above the part of the room where everyone is now standing.

"Don't hold back, lovely people. Let's ring in the new year in style," the host says cheerfully.

Elliot wraps an arm around Olivia's waist and grins at her as he pulls her sideways with him gently, until he is standing directly underneath one of the branches. He looks up, wiggles his eyebrows and then shrugs with one shoulder as if to say that nobody can blame them for kissing underneath the mistletoe. The countdown starts and Olivia bites her lower lip. She feels a little lightheaded for a different reason now.

"Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five!"

She suddenly feels a hand on her shoulder and before they know what's happening, Casey squeezes herself between them, and when everyone cheers " _Happy new year!"_ she plants a firm kiss on Elliot's lips.

"Happy new year, and you can thank me later," she tells Elliot while pushing him backwards until he is no longer underneath the mistletoe.

Olivia laughs out loud at Elliot's stunned face and then steps close to him to give him a warm hug.

"Happy new year, El," she mumbles near his ear.

"You too," he replies.

"Casey's right you know."

"I know."

They break apart and join their coworkers to exchange their best wishes for 2004. Olivia and Casey exchange a look of understanding before hugging each other. Just nine more days, Olivia thinks. They can do this. Just nine more days …

...

 **A/N: Leave it to Casey to make sure they stick to their agreement until the hearing! Please review.**


	25. Pressure

**25\. Pressure**

Olivia continues to feel lightheaded as they prepare for their move to 10th Avenue in the new year, and during her next scheduled appointment with Dr. Simmons on January 5, she learns that she has low blood pressure.

"Is that normal?" she asks the Doctor.

"It's not unusual," Dr. Simmons tells her. "Both low and high blood pressure are common during pregnancies, but high blood pressure can actually be dangerous. Low blood pressure isn't dangerous in itself. I noticed a slight drop during your last two checkups and it's gone further down since, but as long as you don't start fainting, it's not something to be worried about. You will just have to take things a little slower until it comes back up. This may be somewhere during your third trimester, or right after you give birth."

"It won't affect the baby?" Olivia asks.

"Not at all. You just have to make sure you don't overdo things so you don't fall and hurt yourself, and make sure you eat enough. But your little boy is perfectly safe right where he is."

"Will she need to cut back on working?" Elliot inquires, giving Olivia a look that seems to say, don't fight me.

"I'm already at my desk more than I want," Olivia complains, and Dr. Simmons looks at both of them thoughtfully before answering.

"Like I said, Olivia. You don't want to faint or fall because of dizziness. I would recommend no more driving, and if at all possible, mostly office work for now."

Olivia blows out a breath, feeling frustrated. She already feels kind of useless some days, when everyone is out in the field and she's stuck at her desk. When the highlight of her day is going over to the lab to get some results, it doesn't exactly feel like she's fighting for survivors of abuse.

"I guess we'll have to tell our Captain," Elliot says, and Olivia knows there will be no way around an even lighter schedule now. Elliot will be hovering around her constantly, making sure she doesn't overexert herself.

"We're actually in the process of getting our new place ready at the moment," Olivia tells her Doctor. "I can still do something, right?"

"No climbing on ladders or chairs, no painting and no moving furniture," Dr. Simmons says sternly. "But I trust that you will make sure she doesn't do any of those things, Elliot."

"Of course," Elliot says, and he avoids looking at Olivia, knowing how much she hates being restricted in any way.

"I was going to clean the new kitchen today after work," Olivia says.

Surely that won't be too much?

"Just make sure you don't overdo it, and after leaning over, don't come up too quickly," the Doctor instructs.

"Or just let me do it," Elliot adds and Olivia glares at him, although he is still avoiding looking at her. Smart man.

"We plan to move on the 10th and we still have a lot to pack. And we have several deliveries coming," Olivia mutters.

"I can't tell you how much you can do in one day, Olivia, but maybe you can go a little slower and move a week later?"

Olivia sighs again and climbs off the examining table, swatting Elliot's hand away when he offers to help her down. She doesn't want to wait another week. She feels the timing of their move is just right, a much needed distraction and something to look forward to right after the custody hearing.

When Elliot brings up the subject of postponing their move that night, she brushes him off, telling him she's tired and wants to go to bed early. At least she's got a good excuse now to get out of conversations she doesn't want to have.

"You need any help?" Elliot asks her, walking behind her towards her bedroom.

"I am perfectly capable of getting into bed myself, Elliot," she says, and the sharp edge to her voice makes him take a step back.

"Alright, just …"

"Just what?"

"Don't take this the wrong way Liv, but … could you not lock the door of the bathroom if you're going to take a shower?"

Olivia needs a moment to make sense of several thoughts that pop up in her mind, including a very appealing image of Elliot actually _helping_ her take a shower. But that's not what he means, she tells herself. He just wants to be able to get in if she should faint. When she looks up at him, she can tell that he's been having the same thoughts she's having, and she bites the inside of her cheek to keep a stern look on her face.

"Fine."

She can see relief in Elliot's eyes and she turns around quickly before he sees her face flush. She doesn't want to snap at him. She's just not used to being fussed over and it makes her defensive. But on the other hand, it feels so great not to have to do everything alone. She can't really reconcile these two different reactions she's having to Elliot and walks into her bedroom, closing the door behind her before he can see her confusion.

When she is in the shower and is moving her soapy sponge over her skin after washing her hair, those thoughts of Elliot helping her come back full force. She moans softly, closing her eyes, while she washes her breasts slowly, sensually. She moves the sponge down her body, over her baby bump and lower still, and takes a few deep breaths to keep herself from moaning again. She's so incredibly sensitive these days, but she hasn't dared to do anything about it for fear that Elliot might hear her. The bathroom in the new apartment is about as far away as possible from the two large bedrooms and she can't believe she's actually thought of that while they were looking at the place, thinking that Elliot won't be able to hear her in there from his room.

But now, the door isn't locked and when she feels herself getting a little lightheaded in the steamy bathroom, she tries to take a few deep breaths while leaning her palms and forehead against the cold tiles of the bathroom. Wouldn't it be ironic if she actually fainted now?

Olivia quickly turns the water a little colder and finishes showering so she can slip into her robe. The soft fabric brushes against her body and her breath hitches again. She's not just a little flushed from taking a shower. She's horny.

She groans and sits down on her bed, still mostly wet from her shower but wrapped in her robe. Her body is starting to cool off and she shivers, and takes another breath. She should get a towel and get dried off and into her nightgown.

"Everything alright in there?" she hears Elliot call from behind her bedroom door, and she can't help wondering how much he's heard. Did he hear her moan? Did he think she was in distress?

"I'm fine El!" she shouts back. "Just drying off."

Elliot is silent after that and she wonders if he's still standing behind the door, listening. She pushes herself up from the bed to get a towel, hoping that she's making the right sounds so Elliot won't think he needs to come in. She manages to towel herself off somewhat and squeeze herself into her panties and nightgown, although it's not easy to pull the gown over her damp skin. On top of that, her breasts are still so sensitive that she feels like they could explode any second. She squeezes them hard and sighs when it does nothing to alleviate the tension in her body. When she starts to feel dizzy again, she quickly gets into bed.

"I'm in bed now Elliot, so I can't fall over!" she calls out at her door.

"Alright. Goodnight Liv. See you in the morning."

"Goodnight El."

She closes her eyes and sighs, cradling her belly as always, despite the urge she feels to put her hands elsewhere. But she can't. Not with Elliot in the next room.

Four more days. Just four more days.

…

Maureen dropped by the night before for moral support but Olivia thinks Elliot has barely slept a wink. It's January 9 at last and Cragen has given both of them the day off for the hearing. Casey has talked with both of them at length over the past few days, and she knows how to approach the case. Elliot will just have to trust her now.

Olivia really wants to be in the courtroom but she's still hesitant. She doesn't want to upset Kathy even more, or give her lawyer additional ammunition by being present to support Elliot. Casey has left it up to her and she's still in the hallway.

"Just come inside Liv. I want you there," Elliot tells her softly. "They're about to start."

"I'll just stay in the back," she says softly.

"As long as you sit down. You're not supposed to stand for longer periods of time."

She knows this and she nods curtly. They are both tense and are making an effort not to take it out on each other. Elliot enters before her and makes his way to the front of the room to sit down next to Casey. He nods at Kathy, who simply stares at him and then turns around to scan the room. The blonde squints when she spots Olivia in the back and then whispers something to her lawyer. Olivia is already regretting coming into the room but the judge announces that the court is now in session, and she tries to relax.

…

The questions just keep coming, for both parties.

"Can you describe your relationship with your wife to me, and how it's developed over the years?"

"Has your husband changed over the years, and if so, in what way?"

"How would you describe yourself as a father?"

"Do you feel your husband is a bad father?"

"What made you decide to file for a divorce now?"

It's Kathy who finally mentions Olivia for the first time, and judge Linden asks Elliot,

"Can you describe your relationship with your partner?"

Olivia looks down at her lap while listening to Elliot speak. She can't see his face, since parties in family court don't have to sit on the stand like in criminal court. So far, Elliot has tried to explain as calmly as possible how hard it was for him to deal with Kathy's constant insecurities about his love for her, describing it as an uphill battle that he had wanted to win nonetheless, because he truly loved her. He has described her as a good, loving mother and has assured everyone in the room that he isn't trying to take the children away from Kathy. He just doesn't want to lose them either.

Meanwhile, Kathy has described him as a man who was home less and less and who didn't seem to care much about his family anymore as the years went on.

Olivia can't really determine what the judge is thinking, and she feels a little uneasy now that she has become the subject of the hearing. Kathy has just told the judge that her relationship with Elliot changed significantly after he partnered up with her.

"I have worked with my partner for over five years now and we have become good friends. She's a solid partner who knows what she's doing. We have each other's backs, which may mean the difference between life and death on the job, and that creates a special bond of trust between people."

"And did that bond ever get romantic?"

"No your honor. It did not."

"Can you prove that?" Kathy's lawyer interjects.

The judge frowns but seems to allow the question for now.

"I shouldn't have to, Counselor. I gave Kathy my word back in 1984 that I would be faithful to her, and I have been. My word still stands."

"So you're saying you never even kissed your partner?"

Olivia knows Casey rehearsed this question with Elliot, and even with her, in case she'd be called to testify. Elliot gives the lawyer and the judge the answer they had rehearsed.

"In the five years we've worked together I kissed her once, and this was while we were pretending to be a couple."

"The Detectives often have short undercover jobs, and sometimes they have to play a couple," Casey explains, also as rehearsed.

She doesn't specify whether the kiss had indeed been on the job during such an undercover operation, having decided that they can take that risk. They won't ask whether the kiss had been to make a real estate agent believe they were a couple, so Casey had told them. And she's right.

"One kiss in five years, and that was while you were posing as a couple?" the judge asks, just to make sure she's understood correctly.

"Yes your honor."

"Tell me Detective, why do you think that Mrs. Stabler thinks that you are the father of your partner's child?"

Elliot clears his throat. They've gone over this too but he seems to be going off script a little.

"Your honor, you've heard my wife tell you that things changed after Detective Benson became my partner. This is true."

Olivia can hear Kathy's gasp all the way in the back of the room. Casey shifts uneasily in her chair.

"Something did change. I thought that after we got the twins, Kathy had finally realized that I wasn't going anywhere. That I really wanted to be with her and our four wonderful children. But when she saw Detective Benson for the first time, it was like she went straight back to that place she was in after Kathleen was born."

"The post partum depression," the judge Linden said, and Elliot nodded.

"Yes. Now I know that Detective Benson is a beautiful woman but I wasn't prepared for all of Kathy's insecurities to come back full force like that because of her. So yes, things changed, but it wasn't me who changed. Not at first."

"But you did change?" the judge asked.

"Yes your honor. I guess I did stay away more over time because it was just so hard to deal with all the innuendo Kathy was dishing out about me and my partner. I'm not going to deny that. She never said anything directly until recently, but I knew it was there and I was getting so tired. But it wasn't because I was unfaithful to her or didn't _want_ to be home with my family. It was just draining me and it didn't exactly make me the easiest person to work with either. Detective Benson can attest to that."

Olivia can't suppress a small smile at his comment. Judge Linden simply nods and looks down at the papers in front of her.

"And now your partner is pregnant."

"Yes."

"Do you know who the father of her child is?"

"I do, your honor. It's a man she met last July on vacation."

Kathy hisses something to her lawyer and Olivia looks at the two women whispering to each other. She has a mind to stand up and walk over to them and show them the picture of her and Miguel on her phone. But she doesn't.

"So if she is pregnant with another man's child, why are you sharing an apartment together as of this month?"

"This man knows about the child but he has no intention of being in its life, or in Olivia's. She is going to raise the child alone but she needed a bigger place to stay because of the baby. As for me, I'm still paying for the family home and I expect I'll be paying alimony as well as child support soon after these proceedings. And I want to, don't get me wrong. I have never walked away from my responsibilities and I don't plan on doing that now. But since both Detective Benson and I needed a bigger place to stay, but we can't really afford it, we decided to find one we can afford together."

"And you didn't think this would look strange to the outside world?"

Elliot sighs but then sits up straight. Olivia instinctively sits up straight as well and then she hears him say,

"With all due respect, your honor. We don't really care what it looks like to the outside world. We know what we are to each other and that's all that matters."

…

 **A/N: I'm sorry to cut it off here, but the hearing is getting rather long so I decided to get this part out to you now instead of making you all wait even longer. Please review!**


	26. Judgement

**I hope this chapter won't feel rushed. I wrote it for you as quickly as I could. I apologize in advance for any typos.**

...

 **26\. Judgement**

" _With all due respect, your honor. We don't really care what it looks like to the outside world. We know what we are to each other and that's all that matters."_

…

Judge Linden purses her lips and glances around the courtroom. Olivia knows the older woman must have spotted her by now, sitting in the back next to the door. The judge looks at Kathy one more time before remarking,

"As admirable as that sounds, Detective, you can't really blame your wife for thinking there is more to it than just a practical arrangement."

"There wouldn't be an arrangement if she hadn't accused me of sleeping with my partner," Elliot fires back.

His voice is terse and Olivia can feel his resentment towards Kathy all the way across the room. And it's true. If Kathy hadn't accused him, she wouldn't be moving tomorrow either. She would be preparing her own little place for tater boy's arrival and she would have made it work. If anything, a big part of the reason she's moving is to help Elliot out, and he is getting all the blame.

Then Kathy's lawyer pipes up.

"I couldn't help noticing Detective Benson's presence in this room, your honor. Maybe we should ask her what's going on."

The judge's eyes settle on Olivia immediately, confirming the fact that she has indeed recognized her.

"Detective Benson is no party in these proceedings, Counselor," the older woman states.

"My client feels she is."

"And my client doesn't, and neither do I," Casey says, rising to her feet. "Detective Stabler did not cheat on his wife but after being accused of adultery, he now wants to divorce her. Call it the final straw after a prolonged period of tension, as you have heard. He is prepared to pay alimony as well as child support, and we have drawn up a financial proposal to this effect. You have all received a copy. All we ask for is that Detective Stabler is not hindered in his contact with his children. He wants shared custody, while the minors continue to live with their mother. He will not intentionally disrupt any plans Mrs. Stabler may have with the children but he is asking to have them over regularly on weekends and during school vacations, and to be kept updated on special events in their lives. The ability to have his children over is the sole motivation for him to get a decent apartment, that he would not have been able to afford alone. Detective Stabler already has a strong relationship with the oldest daughter, who no longer lives at home, and the other two girls want to have contact with him as well. We wish to make this official, since until now, Mrs. Stabler has been less that cooperative to allow that contact."

Elliot reaches up and puts a hand on Casey's arm, but she shakes her head.

"No Elliot, the judge needs to hear this. Your honor, Detective Stabler has instructed me not to speak negatively of his wife but there is something you need to hear."

Elliot mumbles something to Casey and Olivia bites her lip. What is Casey doing?

"Proceed Ms. Novak," judge Linden says, and when Kathy's lawyer takes a breath to say something, she is silenced by a serious stare from the judge.

"Recently, I was approached by Maureen Stabler and I had a long chat with her in my office."

Both Elliot and Kathy react with shock to this announcement and Olivia is surprised as well.

Casey sits down and Olivia can imagine the triumphant gleam in the ADA's eyes now that she has everyone's full attention.

"Maureen Stabler," judge Linden says slowly, looking at her notes. "The oldest daughter. But Counselor, anything you would tell us about that conversation would be hearsay."

"I know, your honor. That is why I asked Maureen to join us today."

Casey nods at an attendant, who walks out and returns after half a minute with Maureen. Olivia can see the shock on Elliot's face when he turns around to look at his daughter. His eyes meet hers for a second and it's as if she can feel his pain. He never wanted his child to be dragged into this.

But Maureen quickly shows all of them that she is no longer a child. Kathy tries to talk to her, standing up and calling her name, but Maureen walks up to the judge to ask her if she can make a statement.

"By all means, Ms. Stabler," the judge says, and Olivia thinks she sees a hint of amusement cross the judge's face.

Maureen starts by telling the judge that she speaks for her two sisters as well. Then, she assures her mother that she isn't there to pick a side. That she loves both her parents equally but that she felt she had to speak up today, because she knows them both better than anyone.

"And I know Olivia too," Maureen adds, looking directly at her father's partner for a moment. "I have talked with Olivia and she's told me about the father of her baby. She told me his name, how they met, and even where he lives. And my dad told me he has talked with him on the phone. Right, daddy?"

Elliot nods and blows out a nervous breath. Then, his daughter continues.

"That's why I want to say that it wouldn't be fair to give mom full custody of my brother and sisters. We're just as much dad's kids as hers and he did nothing wrong. I don't believe it, mom. You keep telling us that dad doesn't want us anymore. That he traded us for a brand new family with Olivia. But if that was really true, we wouldn't even be here today, would we? Dad would have just walked away without looking back. But I've been talking with dad. Spending time with him. That's what he wants, and Kathleen and Liz want to see him too. Dickie now hates dad for something he didn't do. It's way too easy to prove paternity so if the baby was dad's, why would he lie about it? As soon as Olivia's baby is born, you will see that it was never true. And then it will be too late for you and dad. I'm really sorry that you couldn't trust him. Naturally, there's always two sides to a story. I know that. I know your marriage wasn't perfect, and I know dad wasn't home as much as we wanted him to be. But that doesn't automatically mean he was cheating on you. I would hope that deep down, you know he would never do that. And neither would Olivia."

Maureen takes a deep breath and Olivia wishes she could see the look on Kathy's face. The blonde is completely silent, probably stunned by her daughter's speech. Hell, they are all stunned. Maureen's voice trembles when she continues, addressing her mother.

"I love you mom. You'll always be my mother. You raised me and you were always there for me. You still are. But I love my dad too. Please don't make my brother and sisters choose ... when it's so easy just to let them have you both."

Maureen turns around to look at the judge, who nods at her.

"Thank you very much, Ms. Stabler. I will certainly take your words into consideration."

"Thank you, your honor," Maureen whispers before hurrying off and sitting down in a chair behind her mother.

Kathy turns around to say something to her daughter and Olivia can see that she's upset. When the judge continues, Olivia watches Kathy fish something out of her jacket pocket, put it in her mouth and swallow it with some water. Is she taking some kind of medication?

"So, Mr. Stabler. Is it true that you have spoken with the father of your partner's child?"

"Yes, your honor. Briefly, during a phone call Olivia was having with him."

The judge nods slowly, looking from Elliot to Olivia and then back down to her notes.

"And he knows you and Detective Benson are moving into an apartment together? And he's okay with that?"

"She's not involved with this man, your honor. He was just someone she was with for the duration of her vacation. He has no intention of being a father figure to his child."

"And you are? Since you will be sharing a home?"

Elliot glances at Casey next to him and Olivia swallows hard. Will Elliot's answer to this question change anything for the judge?

"I can see us entertaining the child together, if that's what you're asking. Obviously I'm going to be in his life. I won't ignore him. My only wish is, that my children will also be in my life. I can't bear to lose them or …"

Olivia bites her lip when she hears Elliot choke up slightly. He looks at his daughter, who stands up and rushes over to him. Maureen wraps her arms around his neck from behind and whispers something in his ear that makes him chuckle. Olivia has to blink furiously to keep the beginnings of tears in her eyes at bay.

Judge Linden looks at all the people in the room once more, and then tells them she has heard enough.

"A short recess, if you don't mind. We will reconvene in one hour and I will tell you what I have decided."

…

"A toast to sensible decisions," Casey declares.

They have gathered in a bar near the courthouse to celebrate the fair judgement of judge Linden. Casey and Kathy's lawyer will iron out a few last details in the financial arrangement in the morning but the main thing is, that Elliot will have joint custody of the children. Maureen has decided to go home with her mother and Olivia admires the young woman for it. She could easily have stayed to party with the people who feel like they have 'won' but she's sensitive to her mother's needs as well.

"She's going to come over tomorrow to help," Elliot tells Olivia after they have said goodbye to Maureen.

"I'm so happy for you El. But I feel bad for Kathy too. Is that weird?"

Elliot smiles warmly at her.

"Not at all. Part of me feels bad for her too. I just … I can't keep picking her up again. It just got too heavy after so many years."

Olivia wants to put a hand on his back for comfort but she's still hesitant to show any kind of affection for him in public. They have just spent several hours at the courthouse, convincing a judge that they are not involved. Somehow it doesn't feel right to get closer to Elliot now.

They have a drink with Casey and after Olivia has finished her soda, Elliot suggests going home. She's tired and he can tell. Casey lifts her now empty glass again and declares solemnly,

"Victory is ours. You are now free to go and fornicate."

Olivia puts a hand over her mouth to hide her embarrassment at the blunt comment, but Elliot grins at both of them.

"Fornicate huh? I suppose I _am_ officially divorced now, so …"

He wiggles his eyebrows and before she can think about it, Olivia deflects,

"Not for another week I believe. Paperwork, remember?"

"Just a formality," Elliot says, and his low voice makes her shiver. Could he really be thinking about …

"Liv. I'm kidding!" Elliot says then, no doubt registering her shock.

"Pity," Casey mumbles.

Olivia isn't sure if she should be relieved or disappointed. And she doesn't know what to make of that.

...

 **I didn't think we needed to be present at the judge's ruling. I hope you will agree that this can't have been a difficult decision for the judge.  
** **And reviewer KRH: I took your suggestion to heart. I hope you liked how I incorporated it!** **  
**

 **Reviews make me happy.**


	27. Changes

**A/N: Thank you all for the kind words after the previous chapter. I didn't mean to rush the hearing but I thought everything had been said that needed to be said at this stage. I have debated whether the judge needed to say a few stern words to Kathy about how she has been alienating the children from Elliot, but I will leave that up to your own imagination.**

 **And so, a heavy weight has been lifted from Elliot and he is all but officially divorced now. What will be his next move? Since this is a single POV story, we don't know exactly what he's been thinking, and we will just have to wait and see what he does ...**

...

 **27\. Changes**

It's mid afternoon but Olivia feels exhausted somehow. She could use a nap and is leaning towards giving in to that desire. It will also be a valid reason to create some distance between herself and her almost officially divorced partner. He may have said he was kidding at the bar, but that could have been for Casey's benefit. And it doesn't erase the advances he has made so far. Not by a long shot.

She watches his profile as they drive back home. He looks different now. Far more relaxed. Almost serene. If she didn't know any better, she'd think he was a man who has his life completely in order, exactly the way he wants it to be. He isn't actually smiling but there is a light in his blue eyes.

She shouldn't be surprised. He got what he wanted after all. Joint custody of his children. Kathy and the kids are still going to cost him an arm and a leg, but he's told her on several occasions that he would never want to walk away from his responsibility. Kathy's raising his children and for now, she can't work full time because of it. He wouldn't even want her to, at least not until they're all in college. She has started working part time a while ago but the job isn't a goldmine just yet. And since the children will live with Kathy most of the time, he wants to pay his part. They have agreed that the alimony for Kathy will consist of him continuing to pay for their mortgage. That way, the family won't have to move out of the house. Casey has told him a few things need to change in the paperwork so there will be an end to the mortgage payments eventually, but he's leaving that up to her. He will pay child support until the twins are eighteen and they will both help the kids pay for their tuition. Elliot will continue to put funds aside for Kathleen and the twins for their education.

Olivia is grateful that Casey has been willing to help Elliot out. She isn't charging him a lot and they know she will look out for his best interests at all times. When all is said and done, there won't be very much left of Elliot's salary for a while yet, while Olivia's housing costs will actually go down a bit after the move. She knows Elliot will want to pay half of everything but that's not going to happen. There will be two of them soon against just one of him, so she will insist on paying more for groceries and everyday necessities. But that's a subject for another day.

Right now, Elliot is still basking contently in the outcome of the hearing.

"I'm so proud of Maureen," he muses. "I didn't want her to be involved but she really helped. And without disrespecting her mother."

"You both raised her well."

Elliot glances at Olivia and smiles.

"Kathy did most of the raising."

"Don't underestimate your own influence, El. There is a reason the kids love you so much."

"Dickie hates me."

Elliot's face doesn't betray any emotion but Olivia knows what he's feeling.

"He doesn't hate you, El. He's just upset about the situation. Kids are always caught in the middle in a divorce."

"I never meant for them to be caught in the middle. Ever."

"I know," she says quietly.

She knows this divorce isn't what he wanted. Maybe it hadn't been perfect, but he had never wanted out of his marriage before. You don't just throw away all those years, he's said to her several times. It will take some time for him to get used to this new reality.

"You okay? You look tired," Elliot says, watching her for a moment after parking the car in front of her building.

"I could use a nap," she admits.

They exit the car and Elliot locks it before asking her,

"Want me to tuck you in?"

Olivia raises an eyebrow but can't help grinning when she sees the playfulness in Elliot's eyes.

"Last day in this apartment," Elliot says with a shrug as he walks beside her towards the entrance.

"Yeah. So? You wanna go out with a bang?"

"Huh?"

Elliot seems shocked at her comment and Olivia suddenly realizes what she's said.

"That's not what I meant!" she exclaims, swatting at Elliot's chest.

"Alright. Interesting thought though," Elliot mumbles.

Olivia is at a loss for words. She can't deny that she likes Elliot's flirty side, but more often than not, she doesn't know how to respond these days. She shakes her head and pushes the button for the elevator. The ride up is silent and Olivia sighs when they are finally inside the apartment again.

"Go on. Take a nap," Elliot says, nudging her shoulder with his. "I'll hold the fort."

"Alright. Thanks."

It doesn't take her long to fall asleep. They have a busy day ahead tomorrow, but for now, all is well in the world.

…

"Rise and shine."

Olivia blinks against the light streaming into the bedroom through the window. How long has she been asleep?

"What time is it?" she mumbles, not even fully aware yet who she's talking to.

"It's nine thirty. The movers are going to be here in half an hour."

"Shit."

Olivia tries to sit up in bed but reminds herself she needs to sit up sideways these days.

"Liv. Relax. I finished packing last night. All you have to do is stuff your bedding in a bag and we're ready to go."

She can't believe she's slept in this late. Even the evening before, Elliot had to wake her up before dinner, and she only stayed awake long enough to eat and have a cup of herbal tea. Elliot had been a little concerned that she was so tired - weak even - but she'd brushed him off. It was just all the stress of the hearing and the move, plus of course her low blood pressure.

"We were going to finish packing early this morning," she pouts.

Elliot sits on the edge of her bed and smiles at her. She swears she can see tenderness as well as amusement in his eyes and she looks down at her hands in her lap.

"You needed the extra sleep, Liv. Remember, you're growing a whole new person inside you. It's only logical that it's taking a toll on you."

"Doesn't mean I couldn't have helped," she says, and she's aware that she's whining a bit.

"It's alright," Elliot says kindly, and the low timbre of his voice makes her shiver unconsciously.

"I can start unpacking at the new place as soon as they bring the boxes in," Olivia says.

"There you go. Now make sure you're decent before the movers get here?"

Elliot pats her knee over the covers and stands up before telling her,

"There's some breakfast in the kitchen for you."

Olivia sighs and closes her eyes for a moment after Elliot has left the room. She tells herself not to get used to this. She'll be strong again soon, and she can take care of herself. This is just temporary. As soon as they're settled in at the new place, she will start pulling her weight again.

…

Olivia is standing at the new dining table that had been delivered a few days earlier, opening several boxes labeled 'kitchen', when Maureen arrives. Both women hug and Olivia tells the younger woman,

"Thank you so much for what you did for your father yesterday Maureen. It means the world to him."

Maureen shrugs lightly.

"I just don't want our family to fall apart."

"I understand. Thank you for believing me."

"I'm just sorry I believed mom at first, Olivia. I should have known better."

Olivia assures Maureen that nobody is blaming her. Just about everyone she knows has asked her if Elliot is the father, so how can she hold that against his own daughter? She doesn't tell Maureen this, of course. No need to add to all the suspicions people have been having about her and Elliot.

They set about unpacking all the boxes and putting things away in the kitchen as well as the bathroom, while Elliot makes sure the movers put the all the boxes and remaining furniture in the right rooms. In the end, they didn't have to move a lot of big things. They have purchased a new dining set, two new King size beds with nightstands for their bedrooms as well as a bunk bed for Elliot's kids, and all the new furniture had been delivered at the new apartment. The apartment has a lot of built-in closet space so all that was left was to pack up Olivia's place. Her old Queen size bed will be put in the storage unit Olivia was already renting, which still holds some of her mother's things as well.

It's not even 1 PM when the movers leave and suddenly, all their belongings are inside the apartment on 10th Avenue. They are only going to go back to the old place to clean it, and then once more for a walk-through inspection with the supervisor when Olivia officially hands in her keys. It still feels a little unreal.

Olivia is sitting at the dining table, looking around the new living annex dining room and the open kitchen. Now that her couch, armchair and coffee table are in the room, she's getting a better idea of where she will want everything to go. The dining area will be closest to the kitchen while the sitting area will be closest to the bedrooms.

Elliot comes out of one of the bedrooms, the one that will be his, and smiles at the two women. Maureen has been flattening all the moving boxes they have managed to empty and wipes her forehead with the back of her hand after setting down the last one on the pile.

"Ladies, please sit down and allow me to make you some lunch," Elliot says.

"I hope we put everything in logical places in the kitchen," Maureen grins.

"Only one way to find out. What'll it be ladies?"

…

Maureen leaves around three, telling Olivia and Elliot that she has some studying to do. Elliot hugs his daughter and Olivia smiles at the sight. Maureen is just the first of his kids to visit the new place and it will be great to have them over. None of the beds have been made yet and all the baby things haven't even been unpacked, but Olivia can already picture how it will be. She knows she's going to miss her small apartment a little, but looking around the room once more, she's glad they took this step. This apartment will be enough for all of them for a long time.

Elliot closes the door behind his daughter and Olivia hears him heave a sigh. She watches him as he leans against the door with both hands, his head down, and she wonders if all the stress of the past few months is finally catching up with him.

She stands up and walks over to her partner.

"Everything okay?" she asks him.

Elliot straightens up and drops his arms.

"Yeah. It's just … well, a lot of changes."

"It will take time to adjust now that your divorce is being finalized. I understand."

Elliot gives her a small smile.

"It's going to be different, yes. But I also meant this move. You know that moving house has a high ranking on the scales of stress-inducing life events, right?"

"So does divorce," Olivia knows.

"And pregnancy," Elliot adds.

"Have you been googling this?" Olivia says with a smirk, trying to lighten the mood.

Elliot shrugs lightly.

"Maybe. I just want us to be okay and it's just … a lot."

"I know."

Olivia wants to reach out and rub Elliot's arm but she hesitates. They've been living under the same roof for months, but somehow it feels different now. This is _their_ place. It's not her place where he's just crashing temporarily. They will both _live_ here from now on. They have committed to living together long term and suddenly the reality of that hits her. She has to tell herself to keep breathing regularly, and Elliot seems to pick up on her mood shift.

"Hey. We're going to be okay Liv," he says softly, and Olivia nods automatically.

"It's us, remember? Benson and Stabler. Together, we can take on the whole world."

She smiles then and finally puts a hand on his arm.

"That's what we thought when we became cops, didn't we?"

"Hey, I still believe that!" Elliot says emphatically, and she can see that he's shaking off his fatigue and sombre thoughts. There is a smile in his eyes again.

"So," he says, moving closer to her and putting his hands on her shoulders. "Nap time?"

"Oh, I wish," Olivia sighs. "But my bed hasn't been made yet."

"Why don't I help you with that and you can get some rest while I check out the Deli down the block for some snacks and fresh fruits."

While a nap sounds appealing, Olivia isn't sure she feels comfortable making the bed together, but before she can say anything, Elliot's already on his way to her bedroom.

"I think I spotted the box with your clean bedding in here," he calls out to her, and Olivia quickly follows him.

Elliot had spent two evenings at the new place assembling the beds, so all they have to do now is put the bedding on. Olivia takes a deep breath and tells herself that it's completely normal to do some chores together, now that they are living together.

Well, kind of.

Living together but not sleeping together.

Yet.

What?

No.

Sometimes she gets so tired of her own jumpiness whenever she thinks of something beyond friendship blossoming between her and Elliot. It's not like they don't know each other. She knows quite well what she'd be getting into. Maybe that's her problem. She knows what they have now, but what if it doesn't work? What if they ruined this amazing friendship by thinking it could be more?

"You want this one?" Elliot asks, pulling a duvet cover out of one of the boxes in her bedroom.

"Uh, sure," she says quickly.

Elliot hands the cover to her and pulls the duvet from its bag.

"Why don't you get it in there and I'll put the sheet on."

He's being very practical and it helps Olivia to focus on the task at hand as well. After a while, the bed is made and Olivia sits down on it with a content sigh.

"We did a good job," Elliot says.

"We did," she agrees.

"So hop in and try it out."

Olivia dutifully slips out of her shoes. She does feel tired and a nap sounds like heaven. She scoots into bed fully clothed and Elliot sits next to her. He's actually tucking her in this time and she grins at him.

"Gotta take care of my girl," he says softly and her grin turns into a shy smile. "Get some rest, and I'll take you out to dinner later."

Her face lights up.

"Oh, you wanna go to that Italian place down the block?"

"Sounds like a plan to me. I'll swing by and make reservations."

"I think I'm going to like living here," Olivia says, her eyes already closing.

She hears Elliot shift and assumes he's getting up to leave the room. Her eyes pop open when she suddenly feels his breath on her forehead, just before he presses his lips to her skin.

"Me too," he whispers against her forehead.

He kisses her lightly again and repeats,

"Me too."

…

 **Aww. This was getting a bit long so I decided to stop here. More fluffy moments to come, now that the hearing is over and they've finally moved into the new place. Please leave your thoughts in the review box below!**


	28. Content

**28\. Content**

Olivia feels a lot better after her nap. She has a dull headache but she blames the eventful couple of days they have been having. While she was asleep, Elliot has been checking out the neighborhood and she likes how excited he is about the bars, restaurants and delis that are within walking distance of the apartment building. He's found a 24 hour Healthy Market a block up the street and there's even a pet store close by. They had known about most of these places, but seeing everything first hand has made Elliot even more excited about it. The Italian restaurant across the street is a disappointment since it's mainly a pizza takeout, and Elliot tells her he has made reservations at the steakhouse two doors down instead. Olivia doesn't mind. She knew he would want to go there eventually and she's currently getting ready to go out.

The place is still filled with boxes but they are going to continue unpacking the next day. Olivia is just rummaging through the boxes and suitcases that hold most of her clothes. She's already in love with the big built-in closet in her room. Elliot has exactly the same room as hers, only mirrored. It will be strange to know he's just on the other side of the wall, with only about two feet between their heads when they go to bed at night. She wonders if she will be able to hear him move around in bed and she tells herself not to dwell on that while she's getting ready to go out to dinner with Elliot.

Olivia is a little nervous about it. They've had meals together countless times and they are usually comfortable with each other. She just worries if that would change if they allowed for something to grow between them that went beyond friendship and simply sharing an apartment. And she isn't really sure what Elliot has planned for her.

Olivia smooths her long, soft, light blue sweater over her protruding belly and black maternity pants. It's still a charming belly for now but she knows she is going to get huge before she'll ever get her figure back. It's worth it, naturally, but it may not be the best time to think of new or shifting relationships. It will be best to take it slow and get used to their new living arrangements first. For all she knows, Elliot's flirting has been innocent all along.

When she fished some clean underwear out of her smaller suitcase earlier, she'd spotted one of her little friends, that's helped her alleviate stress on lonely nights a few times. Her body may be busy growing a new person, but she still has needs. She reminds herself that the bathroom in this place is at the other end of the apartment. Maybe she can take the toy with her tonight … She expects that Elliot will want her to keep the door unlocked again, but this bathroom has an actual bath so if she promises him she will sit in the tub, it will be the perfect excuse to lock the door.

Olivia sits on the bed and shakes her head. She shouldn't be thinking like this. She got herself knocked up by one man and is now sharing a place with another, and she has sex on the brain? How does that look for a sex crimes detective anyway?

A soft knock on the door startles her out of her thoughts.

"Liv. You ready?" Elliot asks through the door.

"Just about," she answers quickly.

She opens the jewelry box that's on the bed next to her and chooses a simple pair of earrings that go well with her necklace. She hasn't put pictures in the locket yet but she has worn it every day since she got it from Elliot. She smiles at him when Elliot opens the door and peeks around it, hoping he won't pick up on her nervousness.

"I'm decent El. Come on in."

Elliot watches her attentively as she puts her jewelry box away and stands up.

"You look great," he tells her. "I'm glad you got some more sleep."

"Thanks. I feel better too. But I have no idea how I look, to be honest."

She gestures around the room.

"No mirror."

"You don't need one. You always look great," Elliot says and Olivia busies herself pushing her suitcases into a corner before looking at her partner again.

"You won't think that once I'm the size of an elephant," she tells him, and she actually means that.

Elliot grins and steps aside to allow her to leave the bedroom ahead of him.

"I'm sure I will," he tells her. "Pregnant women are always beautiful."

"Please tell me that when I'm so bloated I can't even walk normally anymore," Olivia sighs.

"I promise," Elliot says solemnly.

"I'll hold you to that."

Olivia makes a quick stop in the bathroom, and when Elliot offers her his arm before they leave the apartment, she accepts it with a smile.

Dinner is relaxed, and Olivia doesn't really know why she is surprised about it. They both may have a lot to process but she soon finds that they are still the same Benson and Stabler they used to be. Elliot tells her jokingly that they need to be on their best behavior since this is their new neighborhood and people are going to know soon enough that they're cops. Olivia responds by tossing a piece of salad at him, that actually lands in his soup of the day. They both laugh out loud and the apprehension finally leaves her body. They have a fun, relaxed evening after that. They chat about a lot of things, some serious and some light and Olivia feels content when they stroll back home after dinner. She had insisted on paying for dinner, which hadn't been cheap, but Elliot had wanted to hear nothing of it. She'd already paid for the new dining table and six chairs, he argued, to which she had replied that he had paid for the bunk bed, which was almost as expensive.

"That's for my own kids," Elliot had muttered.

"So are most of the six chairs," Olivia had countered. "We're in this together El. Better get used to this now, or we're going to have arguments about money every week."

That had been the end of the conversation, although Olivia knows it won't be the last time they will have this discussion. But for now, they're good. She accepts it when Elliot takes her hand as they walk back to their building. It's just a few yards but she know he is protective of her. She realizes she hasn't objected as much to his protectiveness since getting pregnant. After all, she has a little life growing inside her now, that _needs_ extra protection. It's Saturday night and the streets are busy. Even the sports bar next to their building is packed and it feels nice to be holding hands. People will think they're a couple and that will keep most of the unwanted attention away from her.

They walk up to their floor and grin when they both pull out their keys. It's as if the two keys underline once more that they're both home now.

"Go ahead," Elliot says quietly, placing his hand on her lower back.

"Home sweet home," Olivia mumbles.

When she sees her furniture, still placed a little haphazardly around the room, she sighs. It's not home yet.

"We should have hooked up the TV earlier," Elliot says. "You wanna do that now?"

"Sure."

They toss their coats in the corner where they plan to place a coat rack soon, and Elliot pushes the TV stand against the wall separating the living room from his bedroom.

"Here?" he asks.

"Perfect."

They manage to create a cosy little sitting area with the furniture from Olivia's old place, and after Elliot finds out where their cable comes into the room, he manages to get the TV up and running as well. They agree that the music installation is something for another day. Olivia gets them both a drink and they sit down on the couch. Olivia looks up at the light bulb dangling from the ceiling, which is the only light source in the room aside from the TV.

"Wanna go lamp shopping tomorrow?" Elliot asks.

"Definitely."

She has no idea where she's put her candles and makes a mental note to search for them first thing in the morning. They choose a TV channel together and settle in in silence, just taking in their first evening in their new place.

"It needs some decorating but I think I can get used to this," Elliot tells her after a while.

"Yeah. It's gonna be nice."

"And soon we'll have tater boy here, tossing his toys everywhere."

"I can't wait."

Elliot holds his hand out to her and Olivia smiles, silently giving him permission to touch her belly. He places his warm hand over it and Olivia covers his hand with her own.

"I know we're gonna need some time to adjust here and find our bearings, but you know I'm here for you, right? For both of you."

Elliot's words feel like a warm blanket being draped around her and she bites her lip to keep her chin from trembling. His words convey so much. He knows she needs time. They both need time. A lot has changed in their lives over the past months, and most of it had been completely unexpected. But they're still here and they're still together. Best friends. Partners. And they know they can still count on each other. That's all that matters right now and Olivia nods.

"I know. Thank you, Elliot."

She is thanking him for everything he's said and everything his words imply, and she knows he knows it. They sit together contently, surrounded by boxes that still need to be unpacked, but for now, this feels right. Olivia's 'need' to take a bath has dissipated during the evening and she smiles at herself. Here she is, almost cuddled up with one of the handsomest, well-built men she knows, and she just feels … content. Not restless or jittery anymore. Not horny either. Just content. She knows it's not going to stay that way but for now, she relaxes into that feeling of contentment. No matter what happens from now on, she doesn't want to lose her friendship with Elliot. When it comes down to it, he's the longest relationship she's ever had with a man, and she fully intends to keep it that way.

...

 **More soon. Your thoughts are appreciated.**


	29. Sunday morning

**29\. Sunday morning**

Her first night at the new place has been a little restless. She definitely needs to start looking for drapes, because not only does it feel a little strange to know that people might be looking into her bedroom, but the daylight is too bright as well. It's a sunny January day but Olivia has managed to sleep in a little anyway. It's almost 9 when she drags herself out of bed and straight to the bathroom. Tater boy is pressing down hard on her bladder again so she only makes it just in time.

When she emerges from the bathroom, she wonders if Elliot is still sleeping. It must be great for him to finally be sleeping in a real bed again and she doesn't want to wake him. She walks into the kitchen and then she spots a note on the counter.

 _'Went to mass. Will be back soon with breakfast. El.'_

Olivia pauses and stares at the note for a while. He went to mass? Is he feeling guilty about divorcing his wife? Does he feel like he's strayed from his faith and does he want to atone for his sins? She also wonders which church he would he go to. The one in Queens, where his family attends mass? Or would any Catholic church do?

She drinks a glass of orange juice, not wanting to spoil her appetite, because Elliot's note does say he's bringing breakfast. She doesn't know what time he's left but she guesses mass doesn't last much longer than an hour, so after a while she decides to make some coffee. She hasn't had a cup of coffee in months, ever since finding out about being pregnant, but she sometimes craves the smell. She sighs when the smell of fresh coffee fills the room, and tries to distract herself by reading some flyer Elliot brought home yesterday after his recon of the neighborhood. She remembers they were going to go shopping for lamps and wonders if there are flyers of home decoration stores too. Just then, she hears his key in the door, and she sits up, watching him come in.

"Hey."

"Hey. I brought breakfast," Elliot says with a wide grin, holding up a rather large paper bag.

Olivia smiles back automatically but she's mildly surprised that he's so cheerful. Somehow, she had expected him to come back from mass deep in thought. Maybe even somber. She stands up when Elliot walks into the kitchen, to see what he's brought. Elliot pulls out two plates and then takes two perfect croissants from the bag, that smell deliciously fresh. They must still be warm.

"And I've got real butter, nice and soft. And two kinds of jam. Strawberry and Blueberry. And some fresh fruits," he continues as he pulls out a small bag from the bigger bag, and starts draping grapes and berries on both plates. The jam comes in two small containers.

"This is amazing," Olivia says. "French breakfast?"

Elliot nods while he continues to create two beautiful plates with food.

"There's an extra croissant for tater boy," he tells her, tapping on the bag. "And I thought I'd boil two eggs with this to make it perfect."

"Wow. What are we celebrating?"

Elliot carries the two plates to the dinner table and Olivia follows him with the two small jars of jam and two knives.

"Life," he tells her, and when he turns to face her, his bright blue eyes beam at her.

"Why did you go to mass today?" Olivia asks him, staring up at him and still not quite understanding his mood.

Elliot reaches for her and places his hands on her upper arms gently.

"Because I have so much to be grateful for. The outcome of the hearing. My girls wanting to see me. This apartment. You."

The last word comes out almost as a whisper and she swears she sees some emotion in Elliot's eyes. It's so completely different from what she had expected that she needs a moment to process what he's saying. She had thought he was feeling guilty and that's the reason he wanted to go to church. Instead, he had gone because he was so grateful?

"El," she says softly but she is distracted when he starts rubbing her arms gently.

"I owe you a lot, Liv. I couldn't have done all of this without your help."

"Well, I kind of caused this mess too," she reasons, but Elliot starts shaking his head even before she's finished speaking.

"I thanked God for you as well as tater boy, Liv. You caused nothing. This whole situation has just made clear what was already there."

His thumbs are still gently caressing her arms and Olivia takes a deep breath. Somehow she feels like he is talking about more than just the state of his marriage being exposed.

"I'm just glad we can all stop pretending and start living our lives, acknowledging all the things that we've tried to deny, and act on them instead."

Olivia's head is bobbing as if she's agreeing with him but she doesn't have a clue what she should say in response to his words. They mean so much, _could_ mean so much, and she doesn't know if she's ready for all of that. Elliot just smiles warmly at her and squeezes her arms once before releasing her.

"So, why don't we eat these croissants before they get cold?" he suggest. "You sit and I'll get us some juice and put two eggs on."

Olivia sits down at the dinner table and watches Elliot put two eggs in a pan of water on the stove and pour them each a glass of juice, and then he notices the coffee pot.

"Coffee?" he says, turning around and smirking at her.

"I miss it so much," she admits wistfully.

"One cup won't hurt, Liv. You want me to pour you one?"

"You think it'll be okay?" she asks hopefully.

"I think it'll be okay," Elliot responds confidently, and he's already grabbing two cups for them. "Did you know there's caffeine in a lot of tea and even in chocolate as well?" he continues.

She knew about the tea but not about the chocolate. Maybe that explains why tater boy is busier when she's having a chocolate binge.

She accepts the small cup of coffee and Elliot tells her to enjoy it consciously, because she's only getting one. He watches contently as she sips her coffee, drinking a little regularly and then setting the cup down while they eat their breakfast.

"This is perfect," she tells Elliot. "Best Sunday morning ever."

Elliot grins proudly.

"You're never going to want to live without me."

Olivia chuckles, trying to ignore the happy patter of her heart at his words.

"I should make sure you don't get sick of living with me then," she tells him.

The look in Elliot's eyes softens and he seems to be debating saying something. When he doesn't, and just sits back with his own coffee, she feels a little disappointed. She realizes she had expected a flirty answer and she's disappointed that she isn't getting it.

"What? No comeback?" she asks, secretly hoping he'll come up with another quip.

"Olivia Benson, are you fishing for a compliment?"

 _Busted._

She tries to seem dismissive when she shrugs and looks down at her plate, picking up the last of her grapes and popping it in her mouth.

"Of course not, Stabler. I know you won't admit that I'm the best roommate you could wish for."

"Well, maybe now you are. But you're bringing in another man soon. How am I supposed to deal with that? You two are going to keep me up all night."

His entire statement is laced with double entendre and Olivia can't help it that it makes her laugh out loud. Elliot chuckles too and their laughter lifts some of the tension she has been feeling. They stand up simultaneously to clean up and take their plates into the kitchen. Just when Olivia thinks their banter is over for now, Elliot moves closely behind her, his chest actually bumping against her shoulder blade when he says huskily,

"But you're right Liv. I can't think of a better roommate to keep me up all night."

Olivia freezes for a moment but then turns around slowly. She needs to tap into her badass vein for once and not let Elliot get to her so much. Elliot hasn't moved an inch so they are now literally chest to chest, and the kitchen counter is behind her so Olivia can't back up, even if she wanted to.

Elliot stares into her eyes while slowly reaching around her to put his plate on the counter. It's obvious that he's waiting for her to decide where this goes from here. She opens her mouth to say something but no sound comes out. Then Elliot starts talking, telling her softly,

"I did some thinking while I was in church."

"Oh?"

She hates how panicked she sounds. Elliot watches her face intently and then looks down, finding her left hand with his right hand.

"Like I said, Liv. I'm done pretending. Aren't you?"

She knows what he's asking and she's torn between pushing him away and pulling him in at last. They've only spent one night at their new place and he already has her backed up against the kitchen counter?

"El," she sighs, and she lifts her right hand to place it flat against his chest.

Elliot takes her gesture as a request for space and he moves back a few inches without letting go of her left hand.

"Last night you said we … we needed some time to adjust to these new living arrangements and find our bearings," she says, sounding more insecure than she had wanted.

Elliot nods and bites his lower lip.

"I know. And I meant it. It's just …"

He sighs and looks down at their joined hands. It seems he is now the one at a loss for words. Instantly, she wants to help him out and Olivia squeezes his hand, which makes him look back up at her.

"You understand, right?" he asks her and she knows he needs some kind of confirmation that they are on the same page.

But are they?

She stares into his eyes and she can see the exact moment when he interprets her hesitation as rejection. It propels her into action, possibly more out of panic than anything else. Her right hand moves down from his chest, wraps around his waist and pulls him in until her baby bump is squeezed between them. Elliot drops his head and Olivia presses her cheek against his, and doesn't let go of his hand until he lets go so he can wrap his arms around her.

They don't speak for a few long moments and Olivia can feel Elliot trembling as much as she is herself. They really are on the same page but she's still keeping the brakes on. She isn't sure why. Old reflexes maybe. But she doesn't want to hurt Elliot so she holds him tightly, hoping it will tell him what he needs to know right now. She feels Elliot tilt his head a little and when his lips skim the juncture between her shoulder and her neck, kissing her skin softly, she feels goosebumps forming all over the left side of her body. She is sure Elliot must be able to feel her heart pounding inside her chest.

"Let's just …" she begins, but her voice catches in her throat, so she tries again. "Let's just see how it goes this week, going back to work and settling in here."

She feels Elliot nod and when he rubs her back gently with his hands she feels her resolve weakening. It feels so good to be held and she trusts Elliot implicitly. Just when she wonders what would happen if she gives in to temptation, she feels Elliot straighten up and the moment passes.

"Alright. We'll do that," he agrees, but she can tell he's having difficulty reeling himself in.

It looks like his visit to church has affected him deeply and as a result, he wants to be close to her.

"Alright," she repeats but it doesn't sound convincing. Not even to herself.

Elliot forces a smile and Olivia squeezes his sides before they finally release each other.

"You said we'd go shopping for lamps," she reminds him, deliberately changing the subject.

"So I did."

"And I need drapes."

"Me too."

"We should take measurements of the windows."

"We should."

They both take a deep breath and Elliot takes a step back. Olivia suddenly feels a little colder and she moves away from the kitchen counter before she is tempted to touch her partner again.

"I have a measuring tape here somewhere," she mumbles, hurrying away from Elliot.

"I'll grab a chair but you're not climbing on it," Elliot says.

"I know, I know. Don't worry."

"Well, I'm just saying."

"You just don't fall off yourself, because I'm not catching you!"

"You say that now, but I know you'll gladly nurse me back to health."

"I'm pregnant Stabler. If you fall, you're on your own."

…

 **A/N: And that went on for a wile longer. You gotta love those kids! Review?**


	30. Tender

**30\. Tender**

Olivia is lying on her back in bed, listening to the sounds of the other occupant of the apartment. She knows Elliot had continued to watch some TV after she had gone to bed. Probably to do some thinking. First, he had waited for her to come out of the shower safely. Then he'd grabbed another beer, telling her it would be his last one, and now it seems he's finally going to bed as well.

She turns her head to look outside through the window. They haven't gotten any drapes yet, but they are in the making. Deciding on a fabric together had been fun and she's relieved that they were able to spend their Sunday off comfortably. They managed to find a lamp for the living room that they both like, and Elliot wanted to install it the moment they got home. She still remembers how she had teased him when he had climbed on a chair once again. When he had pretended to lose his balance, she had wrapped her arms around his legs dramatically and they'd had fun together. And the lamp works!

But she knows why he took some time to think before going to bed tonight. There's something brewing between them and she's still afraid to let it happen. She remembers how he had kissed her neck in the kitchen that morning and how he had kissed her skin again tonight. It's becoming a habit of his.

" _He's kicking again."_

 _Elliot's blue eyes light up and he sits up to look at her belly._

" _Up here," she tells him, pointing at the top right of her baby bump._

 _She sees apprehension flash across Elliot's face and she knows he is aware that his hand would be just below her right breast if he put it there. Her boobs are beginning to grow as well. She swallows and simply puts her own hand over the spot. Her son kicks again and she smiles. He can always put a smile on her face, even when she's nervous._

" _Again?" Elliot asks._

 _He seems to have accepted that he won't be feeling the baby kick tonight._

" _Ooh, three times, very fast. You think that could be the effect of the coffee I had this morning?"_

 _She's been a little worried about drinking coffee but Elliot suddenly laughs out loud. It's a hearty laugh and she can't help laughing with him._

" _That little bit of coffee is long gone, Liv. Don't worry about it."_

" _He's very busy though. Come on, you gotta feel this."_

 _She's excited about the life she can feel moving inside her, and her nerves are forgotten momentarily. She grabs Elliot's hand and guides it to the right spot, just like they've done before._

" _Awesome," Elliot says reverently._

 _He can feel tater boy kicking clearly now and the little man isn't stopping._

" _I think he's training for something," Olivia muses, captivated by the feeling of her son moving about._

" _Well, he knows by now that his mom is badass, so he'll have to keep up with her," Elliot jokes, and Olivia shoves his shoulder playfully._

 _Elliot's hand shifts upward in the process and they both freeze for a split second. His hand is now pressed against the underside of her right breast. Too close, Olivia thinks. And not close enough. She's yearned to be touched again and her own hands never make her feel like this. Elliot's barely touching her but he's sending little electrical shockwaves through her breast. Actually, both of her breasts are responding. Her body's reaction to the mere possibility of his touch is unreal and she holds her breath, not looking at Elliot, waiting for him to move his hand back down. Or up. No … down. It should go down._

 _After what feels like an eternity, Elliot finally moves his hand down an inch. A firm kick distracts both of them and they grin, but when Elliot retracts his hand she can tell he is affected as well. How she wishes she could look inside his head for just a minute, to know what he's thinking. Maybe she should just ask him._

" _You okay?" she mumbles._

 _Elliot bobs his head without looking at her. He's leaning forward, his elbows on his thighs and clutching the remote to give his hands something to do._

" _I'm so happy for you that you're going to be a mom," he rasps, and she has a feeling he's steering the conversation away from what has just happened deliberately._

" _And?"_

 _She can't believe she's pushing him but she must be feeling brave tonight. She can see him smiling wryly and shaking his head while he keeps looking at the TV._

" _And nothing."_

 _She doesn't believe him, and when he leans back and looks at her, she knows he knows it._

" _It's too soon, right?" he says quietly._

 _Her chest feels constricted and she forces herself to respond almost on autopilot._

" _We've been through so many changes lately …"_

" _Yeah. You're right. I know."_

 _Olivia sits up straight suddenly when she feels a very different movement inside her belly. Elliot turns towards her at once._

" _What? What is it, Liv?" he asks her, suddenly worried._

" _I think he's turning around or something. He just kicked straight ahead. I think that should be visible on the outside, it was such a hard kick!"_

 _Without any hesitation, Olivia leans back and pulls her maternity blouse up, exposing her belly. Just then, her son kicks out again and they actually see her belly move._

" _Amazing," Elliot says softly._

 _They both stare at her belly intently and tater boy doesn't disappoint._

" _Liv, can I?" Elliot asks, and she nods._

 _She doesn't expect him to do what he does next. He gets up from the couch and kneels in front of her, so his face is almost at the same height as her baby boy. He looks up at her, silently asking for permission once more, before he puts his hand on her skin._

" _Hey there, little man," he says softly and Olivia bites her lip. Elliot is being a father figure to her son already and it moves her._

" _It's a little early to start playing soccer but once you're here, I'll be happy to teach you buddy."_

 _Olivia sniffles and Elliot looks up at her. He smiles softly and then focuses on the active little man underneath his hand again._

" _You're gonna be loved, you know that? By all of us, but most of all by your amazing mother. She's gonna make sure you're alright. You know how I know that? Because she's the best cop in the whole city. She's not gonna let anyone hurt you. And neither am I. I'm her partner, you know. And I'm very proud of that."_

 _The two partners smile at each other and watch Olivia's baby kick again._

" _You're proud of your mommy too, aren't you?" Elliot asks softly, and before Olivia realizes what he is doing, Elliot leans forward and places a gentle kiss on her belly._

 _It's a very tender kiss, not a sensual one, and it actually affects her more that his gesture contains so much love. Could he really love her child already? Elliot doesn't look up at her and Olivia reaches for him, placing her hand against his cheek. He looks up then and it's as if they are having a wordless conversation. She can hardly believe what she's reading in his eyes. It's not just love for her unborn child. What was it he had told her once? If he were to pursue her, it would be the whole package. Yeah, it was something like that._

...

She shivers when she remembers those moments of genuine tenderness between them. It hadn't been lust or a physical attraction. Not at all. If she didn't know any better, she'd think he is actually thinking of pursuing her. He's already told her several times that he'll be here for her as well as her baby, and she believes him. But it what capacity?

She loves him. She's admitted that much to herself. She loves him as her best friend in the world. But could she love his as a mate? As not just a father figure for her son, but _the_ father figure for her son? She knows he's an amazing father. He may have a temper at times but his anger is always fueled by love and a need to protect the people he loves, and those who can't protect themselves. They have both seen too much of the dark side of humanity to be any different. Elliot reacts with rage and steps in to right the wrong, while she will nurture the survivors of the abuse. They're a perfect match in that respect and she can't help but think they'd be good parents together as well. Her heart rate goes up again, just thinking about it.

Why is she so scared to give in to this thing that's growing between them? It's too soon, Elliot had said, but not because he thinks it's too soon. They've been through a whirlwind of changes and emotions in their lives, but he doesn't seem to have a lot of doubt about where to go. He says that her pregnancy hasn't caused the problems that ensued, but has just made clear what was already there. Maybe he means 'them' as well as his marriage ... He seems so sure, so why can't she be sure? Is she really that afraid that things will go wrong eventually, like all her relationships have gone wrong? That she will lose the best thing that's ever happened to her? Elliot is the only person, man or woman, she has ever truly opened up to. And while that may be the best basis for a relationship she has ever had, she is also terrified of ruining that same friendship and trust.

Olivia sighs and rolls on her side.

They are sharing an apartment for crying out loud. It's not like he's planning to go anywhere. They are committed to each other already. Why is it so hard for her to just let go and let it happen?

…

Monday morning comes around and suddenly, it's like it's always been. Elliot's cell phone rings and Cragen directs them straight to their next crime scene. Olivia can come along this one time, on the condition that Elliot takes her straight to the office after they have gotten all the information from the crime scene, no detours or follow-ups until she's at her desk, Cragen says sternly. Their breakfast consists of a glass of orange juice that they share before rushing out the door. Olivia grins as they hurry down the stairs and to the car. Just like old times. Amid all the changes, fortunately some things have actually stayed the same.

…

 **A/N: A short chapter, I know - but this will allow for another little time jump. More soon. Meanwhile, I love reading your thoughts on the story!**


	31. Kiss

**31\. Kiss**

The job keeps them busy with long days and short nights, and they hardly have any time to talk for two weeks. There are still a few moving boxes around the apartment but Olivia doesn't have the energy to unpack them. She works from behind her desk but the long hours are still draining her, and Elliot is out in the field more than he's at his desk. Right now, she's just happy that all her clothes are unpacked and in the closet. The hamper in the bathroom is actually starting to fill up nicely, and when she comes home on Friday night, she decides to go down to the laundry room for the first time since their move. Elliot isn't home yet but she thinks he won't mind her washing his shirts.

After taking a shower and eating a sandwich, Olivia takes the elevator down to the laundry room and looks around. There is only one other person there, a woman who is about her age. They greet each other and Olivia puts her laundry in the machine next to the one the other woman is using.

"You and your husband just moved in two weeks ago, am I right?" the woman asks her suddenly in a light Yiddish accent, and Olivia whips around to face her.

"Uh … yes, we did," she answers quickly, not feeling the need to correct the woman.

What else are people expected to think? They're a man and a woman with a baby on the way.

"Welcome to the building," the woman says cheerfully. "I'm Sarah and my husband is Joshua."

Sarah extends her hand and Olivia shakes it.

"I'm Olivia. Nice to meet you."

"We have three kids. Our oldest boy is nine and we have twins, a boy and a girl. They're six. Is this your first?" Sarah chatters, gesturing at Olivia's belly.

"Ah … yes," Olivia says, but since Elliot's kids are going to be coming over next weekend, she can't just leave it at that, so she adds,

"It's my first one. My husband has children from his first marriage."

It's the same thing Elliot had said to the real estate agent but it feels strange to call him her husband. She managed to say it without hesitation and she can only hope Sarah doesn't pick up on her discomfort. The woman seems a little thrown off.

"Oh. I see. Did his first wife die?" she asks sympathetically, and Olivia thinks that this woman may possibly disapprove of divorce.

She bites her lip and looks down at the last pieces of clothing she wants to put in the machine.

"I'm sorry Olivia. Just listen to me, prying like that!" Sarah pipes up again. "Forget I even asked, it's really none of my business."

Olivia smiles and finally taps into her acting skills again.

"It's alright, Sarah. But I don't feel comfortable telling Elliot's story. It's his story to tell, not mine."

"Yes. Yes, of course it is," Sarah agrees. "Are you and Elliot, is it? Are you both liking the building and the neighborhood so far?"

Sarah loves to chat, that much is obvious, and Olivia is relieved when the woman's laundry is done about fifteen minutes of superficial chatter later, while hers still has a while to go. She breathes a sigh of relief when Sarah goes back to her apartment on the top floor. She's glad that Sarah, Joshua and their children don't live on their floor. They've already met the super, who lives across the hall, and he and his wife are an older couple. Their children have already left the nest. She doesn't know who live in the other two apartments on their floor. They've been too busy to notice anyone else.

Since the laundry room is just for tenants, Olivia decides to leave while the washer does its job, and just when she walks towards the stairs, Elliot comes into the building through the main entrace.

"Hey stranger," she says jokingly but then she sees the exhaustion in his face. "How did it go?"

She knows that Elliot and Fin had been chasing a guy who they think had abducted and abused two children and was now suspected of having kidnapped a third one.

Elliot shakes his head and looks down at the floor.

"We were too late," he says and he radiates defeat.

Olivia steps close to him and wraps her arms around him right there, at the bottom of the stairs in the lobby.

"I'm so sorry El."

She feels him soften a bit and when he wraps his arms around her waist, he leans into her, clearly needing some support.

"He killed her," Elliot whispers, and Olivia wants to cry. It never gets any easier. "We got him, but that little girl is gone."

They don't speak. There is nothing to say right now that would help in any way. They just hold on to each other, swaying a little, until Elliot feels he's able to breathe a bit better.

"Oh, so sweet," they hear a voice say cheerfully, and Olivia knows who it is before she turns around and away from Elliot.

Sarah rushes towards them and extends her hand.

"You must be Elliot. I already met your lovely wife earlier. I'm Sarah and I'd like to welcome you to the building."

Olivia knows it isn't easy for Elliot to switch from the devastating case to the happy neighbor and she wraps her hand around his left wrist for support while Elliot shakes Sarah's hand dutifully.

"I was just running to the store for some last minute groceries. If you need anything, I'd be happy to pick something up for you two," Sarah offers.

"Oh, that won't be necessary, but thank you so much for offering," Olivia responds sweetly.

"Anytime, dear. Once the baby's here and you need help, just gimme a call."

Sarah dashes off and Olivia doesn't think she's noticed Elliot's sombre mood at all. But she has and she pulls Elliot along, up the stairs and they walk in silence until they're inside their apartment.

Elliot lets out a sigh and leans his back against the door. Olivia stands in front of him.

"Who _was_ that?" Elliot asks.

Olivia gives him a half smile.

"A neighbor from upstairs. I ran into her in the laundry room earlier. For the record, she assumed I'm your wife and I let her think that."

That finally brings a small smile to Elliot's lips as well.

"You let her think that," he repeats.

Olivia shrugs.

"She just assumed and she asked about the baby. I told her you have kids from your first marriage."

Elliot raises one eyebrow.

"You said the exact same thing to Murray!" Olivia huffs, suddenly feeling the need to defend herself. "And they're coming over next weekend so I thought I'd just tell her, before people start talking."

"It's fine Liv," Elliot says, pushing himself off of the door. "I'm just glad to be home at last."

"Did you eat yet?"

He shakes his head.

"You?"

"Just a sandwich around six."

"You're eating for two Liv. You have to eat more than that."

"I know. Why don't I order something while you take a shower?"

"Sounds like a plan."

45 minutes later Olivia has ordered in, has retrieved their laundry from the laundry room, and now they're sitting on the couch with their plates of Thai food in their laps. Elliot is still quiet and Olivia understands. They eat in comfortable silence, listening to some music coming from Olivia's music installation, that they have finally managed to install. After they finish their meal, Elliot drops his head back on the backrest of the couch and turns it to look at Olivia.

"Thank you," he says once she looks at him.

"For what? I didn't do anything," she says, wondering why he would thank her.

"For understanding."

She tilts her head and smiles faintly.

"Of course I understand."

"Kathy always wanted me to talk to her when all I needed was some time to come to terms with what I'd seen and heard that day."

She isn't sure what to say to that. She can't blame a woman for wanting her husband to open up. But their line of work is difficult to talk about with outsiders.

"I feel like I only have to look at you, and you get it."

She nods. It's the same for her. It's always been that way between them.

"I do, El. I get it. I can't talk about what we see either. And if I do need to talk about it … it would be with you. Nobody else. Other people wouldn't understand anyway."

"Exactly."

He's still looking at her and Olivia feels herself getting a little warm under his scrutinizing gaze. She sits up to start cleaning up but Elliot stops her with his words when he tells her,

"This is right, Liv. I know it is, and I know you can feel it too."

She doesn't look at him, keeping her eyes on the takeout cartons she intends to pick up and throw out. After a few seconds, she stands up after all and cleans up without saying anything. What can she say?

She walks to the kitchen and opens the door to the terrace to throw the cartons into the trash can they have put outside. She closes the door and then jumps a little when Elliot suddenly appears behind her in the kitchen.

"You want a drink or are you turning in straight away?" he asks her.

After his previous remark, she had wanted to create some distance between them, but Elliot seems intent on closing that distance again.

"Uh. I'm turning in straight away," she says quickly. That should make him back off, she thinks.

"Alright. I guess you're tired too. It's been a hell of a week. _Two_ weeks."

"Yeah."

She washes her hands in the kitchen and turns around to face Elliot.

"At least we can sleep in tomorrow morning."

He nods.

"Cap gave me the day off too. I'm not on call because …"

Elliot makes a gesture with his hand and Olivia knows he's referring to the outcome of the case they closed today. Cases with children always hit them hard.

"So you're going to bed as well?" she asks him.

"Yeah. But you can brush your teeth first."

He smiles at her and she has to look away. He has been able to relax after coming home and now he seems to be focusing on her again. Just when she thought they were finding their groove at the new place as just roommates …

She steps around him and heads for the bathroom to brush her teeth and clean her face. When she comes back out, Elliot's waiting for her next to the doors to their bedrooms. She walks up to him, feeling a little apprehensive.

"Your turn," she says noncommittally.

Elliot smiles at her but doesn't move. She tries to slip past him into her room, but stops when Elliot asks her,

"How is tater boy doing Liv? We haven't talked about him for at least a week."

She thinks it's sweet of him to ask and she smiles up at him.

"He's doing great. When I'm busy, he's asleep and when I relax, he wakes up."

"So he's awake now?"

"I think so. I felt him a few minutes ago."

Elliot looks down at her belly between them and then says softly,

"Goodnight, little man. I can't wait to meet you."

"Thirteen more weeks El, if all goes according to plan."

"I know. Still, I'm already looking forward to seeing him. Aren't you?"

"Of course I am. But it's pretty great to carry him around, too."

"I can imagine."

"Can you?" Olivia asks playfully. "So you'll carry him the last few weeks, when I start complaining?"

"If I could, I'd do that for you Liv," Elliot responds, and he's suddenly more serious than she had expected.

He reaches for her shoulders and she looks up at him, wondering about his mood.

"So, you're my wife, right?" he asks her and the question surprises her.

"Huh?"

What is he up to now?

"So do I get a goodnight kiss?"

"El!"

She swats his chest but Elliot reacts quickly and wraps his fingers around her wrist before she can retract her hand.

"I did have a rough day," he tells her, but she can see he's joking, shamelessly trying to manipulate her.

He is holding her wrist loosely so she can pull her hand away at any time, but she doesn't. Instead, she moves closer to him until she sees a muscle in his cheek twitch nervously.

"If you've had a rough day, maybe you shouldn't be baiting the hormonal mess you're living with," she says huskily.

Her heart is beating faster now but she knows it's safe to play this game with Elliot. He won't hurt her.

"Maybe it's the best medicine for a rough day," Elliot says near her ear and her heart skips a beat.

After the day he's had an her general state of frustration, she's pretty sure they would have mind-blowing sex but she can't start thinking that way. All he's asking for is a kiss after all. They're not rushing into anything. The situation is too delicate for that and their friendship worth too much for her. She can tell that he's eager to hear her comeback and she makes sure her breath hits his ear before telling him,

"In your dreams, Stabler."

He groans and the sound does something to her body. She may have some steamy dreams herself if they keep this up too long.

"Sometimes dreams come true, Benson," Elliot says, and his low voice makes her shiver.

"Sometimes," she manages to say slowly and she holds her breath while she waits for Elliot's next move. They are so close to each other that she can't see his eyes, but she can read his body even without seeing his face. She feels his hand, the one that isn't holding her wrist, move to her waist. When he tilts his head, she meets him halfway automatically, and before she can say anything, Elliot brushes his lips over hers. She exhales and when her lips part, Elliot kisses her very softly. Too softly, she finds herself thinking, because it's over before she realizes it.

"Goodnight Liv," Elliot whispers against her lips. "Goodnight tater boy," he adds, looking down between them again.

He releases her suddenly and disappears into his bedroom before Olivia has had a chance to respond. She shivers again and reaches for the handle of her bedroom door blindly, missing it twice before she finds it. She slips into her bedroom and closes the door behind her. She tries to take a deep breath but her chest feels constricted. It's as if all her nerve ends are still focused on Elliot and his touch.

...


	32. Safe

**Alright. Where were we? Oh yes, Elliot has just given Olivia a small kiss and has retreated into his bedroom quickly after that. Who else was a little miffed about that? I know I was!**

...

 **32\. Safe**

 _He releases her suddenly and disappears into his bedroom before Olivia has had a chance to respond. She shivers again and reaches for the handle of her bedroom door blindly, missing it twice before she finds it. She slips into her bedroom and closes the door behind her. She tries to take a deep breath but her chest feels constricted. It's as if all her nerve ends are still focused on Elliot and his touch._

He's done this on purpose, she thinks, leaning her shoulder against the door. He wants her to want him, so he can say it was all her idea. It's exciting to know that he is actually looking for more with her. She knows he wouldn't play games like this if he wasn't serious. He's not that kind of man. He might tease a random person he meets at a bar, but not her. Not his best friend, partner on the job and now even roommate. It looks like he really wants this and it's getting harder for her to keep going slow.

His kids are coming over next weekend. It will be the first time they will have them over, and Dickie will be there too, as ordered by the judge. She had thought she would be able to keep a professional distance until then at least. To see how the kids would interact with both of them and with the fact that they will be living together long term. But right now, her resolve is crumbling and fast. Her body has been longing for release and she knows she has been longing to get it from him - whether she has wanted to admit it to herself or not.

She jumps when she hears Elliot's bedroom door open again. What is he up to now? She hears him walk to the bathroom and realizes he hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Knowing he's out there and remembering how he had waited for her, she is tempted to pull the same stunt with him now. She slips out of her bedroom and closes the door softly, and then waits for him. She folds her arms in front of her chest, hoping it will make her look as confident as he had looked earlier, and waits for him to return. Her heartbeat quickens when she hears the bathroom door open and she stands up a little straighter. She watches Elliot walk towards her and swallows hard when she sees his bare chest. Why did he have to take his t-shirt off before brushing his teeth? Now she's distracted by the way his muscles move. He switches off the light in the living room but she can still see him in the dark. There's some light from outside coming into the living room through tater boy's bedroom. She swears Elliot pulls his stomach in further and makes his chest even broader when he catches her staring. His sweatpants are hanging low on his hips and she thinks it isn't fair that he's still looking this good at his age while she is just becoming more and more bloated. She suddenly feels self-conscious but that is something she will never show. Instead, she gives him a challenging look when he stops in front of her.

"Forget something?" he teases, but despite the cocky grin on his face, she can see a nervous twitch as well. It's enough to give her the confidence to carry out her impromptu plan.

"No. I'm just not satisfied with this arrangement," she says sternly.

Elliot is clearly amused.

"Tell me. What is unsatisfactory for you?" he asks, suppressing a smile.

"Well, as your _wife_ ," she explains, emphasizing the word wife, "I thought that goodnight kiss was disappointing."

Elliot's eyes light up with surprise as well as glee.

"You think we can do better?" he challenges.

"Definitely."

He grins but then his face softens and he moves closer to her. Olivia drops her arms, which basically means she's dropping her defenses.

"I accept your challenge," Elliot says softly.

He knows she needs some encouragement. Part of her wants to run away fast once more but when he leans in, her body reminds her why she came back out here in the first place. Elliot moves his mouth impossibly close to hers without touching her with even a finger. He wants her to make a move and although her pride is urging her to stand firm, her body is weak and she gives in. How can she not, when he's standing this close to her, half naked and clearly wanting her?

She almost falls against him and when their lips touch, it's all Elliot needs to respond. Olivia lets her eyes slip closed and lets the feeling of Elliot's mouth on hers wash over her. Her right arms wraps around his neck while her left hand finds the warm skin of his back. She may have been the one to initiate this second kiss of the night, but Elliot is taking over almost instantly, wrapping her up in his arms and kissing her deeply. She opens her mouth to him automatically and when he groans softly, her entire body responds. They are kissing passionately and the tips of their tongues are exploring.

This is it, she realizes. This is what her body has craved all along and it wants more. A lot more. She doesn't want to think of the consequences just yet. She doesn't want to think about tomorrow or next weekend. It's as if the breaks are off now, and she lets go. Elliot's hands drift up and down her back and when he pulls her close to him she wishes her baby bump wasn't in the way. She wants to feel more of him. She wants to know if he is as affected as she is. Her hands are starting to explore his body as well. There is so much skin to explore and she smooths her hands over his pecs and then his biceps while they kiss. By now, she is backed up against her bedroom door. Elliot is a passionate man and she can feel him trembling against her. She's shaking too. Her body is screaming for more and she moans into his mouth.

Elliot breaks off the kiss to look at her, and they're both breathing heavily. Olivia looks up at him with hooded eyes and then looks at his mouth again.

"Liv," he whispers and she forces herself to look into his eyes. "Do you … do you know what you're doing to me?"

She has an idea.

She bites her lip and looks at her hands, that are now resting against his perfect pecs while Elliot is gently caressing her hip bones with his thumbs and is taking a few deep breaths.

"I just need to know that we want the same things Liv," Elliot tries again. "If you're not ready for …"

"I'm pregnant El," Olivia interrupts him, sounding almost annoyed. "I'm ready all the time."

Elliot chuckles and shakes his head.

"I guess that's what I mean. I don't want you to do something you'll regret in the morning."

She drops her head back against the door and sighs. Why does he have to be so sensible at a time like this? Her lips are still tingling from kissing him. She's actually kissed her partner and best friend and she doesn't regret it at all. Not yet anyway.

"I've got needs El," she tries again.

"I can help you with those," he says huskily, moving his mouth close to her right ear. "But only if you're absolutely sure."

"Always the gentleman," she murmurs, already tilting her head to find his lips again with her own. She ghosts her lips over his while whispering, "Drop the act, Stabler."

"It's not an act," he replies, nipping at her lower lip and sending a shiver down her spine.

She knows it isn't an act. He is really like that and it's why she knows she is safe with him. Her breath hitches when Elliot suddenly moves his right hand up from her hip underneath her sweatshirt and brushes the side of her left breast. He presses his lips to hers again and simultaneously moves his thumb until he finds her nipple. She hadn't bothered with a bra after her shower earlier in the day and her nipple is already poking through her thin shirt. A wave of excitement hits her when he touches her there. His kiss smothers her low moan and he is pressing her against the door once more. Part of her wants to just kick the door open and drag him into her bedroom but she can't move. Her body is calling the shots now, and she's clinging to Elliot while he kisses her slowly, still rubbing her overly-sensitive nipple.

She tries to move her hips closer to him but to no avail. Her belly is in the way. Then Elliot shifts slightly until he can press his thigh against her body, exactly where it is craving some friction. Olivia moans again and kisses him harder, grasping at his shoulders to keep him close while she basically starts riding his thigh.

Elliot breaks off the kiss to take a much needed breath and nuzzles his nose in her hair.

"That's it baby," he whispers encouragingly and then he kisses the soft skin of her neck.

She's too far gone to respond to his words or his use of the word baby. Her hormonal body is screaming for a release and his muscular thigh is just what the Doctor ordered. She is moaning again and at this point, she is beyond caring. Elliot is giving her what she so desperately needs and he knows exactly what he's doing to her. His thumb has now been replaced with his entire hand and he's kneading her breast over her shirt while pushing his thigh up rhythmically, matching her pace. His lips find a sensitive patch of skin below her ear and Olivia gasps before attaching her mouth to his neck as well.

"Ah … yes," she groans and Elliot moves his left hand to her butt to support her.

She knows she should be embarrassed about what she's doing but she can't stop now. It feels too good. She's been deprived of sex for too long. And maybe this doesn't qualify as sex but it feels pretty awesome. She knows it won't be long now and Elliot keeps encouraging her to continue.

"Go on baby," he whispers. "I've got you."

It doesn't take long after that and her body shakes as she gasps, trying not to cry out when her body finds release at last. Elliot holds her close to him, both arms wrapped around her.

They are both breathing heavily and cling to each other until they've caught their breaths. Olivia drops her head back and looks up at her partner.

"That was …" she sighs, and Elliot grins.

"You're welcome," he says and then he leans in to kiss her forehead.

Olivia slowly returns to earth and blinks a few times before asking Elliot,

"But what about you?"

Elliot takes another deep breath and she suddenly feels a little guilty.

"I'll take care of it," he says without looking at her.

"I can do that," she offers, and she really means it.

"You don't have to."

"It's the least I can do after …"

Elliot chuckles.

"It was my pleasure Liv. Truly. Literally."

Olivia finally feels some embarrassment creep in and she feels her face flush. Very gentlemanly, Elliot takes away her embarrassment by kissing her again, very sweetly this time.

"Get some sleep," he whispers against her lips.

She wants to object but her son chooses this moment to distract both of them by giving her a firm kick that Elliot feels as well, since he's still leaning against her.

"Your son agrees with me," Elliot says and the tenderness in his eyes takes her breath away. "He's trying to get rid of me."

"No, he's not," Olivia tries but she's smiling now too.

Leave it to tater boy to break any tension before it can develop between them.

"Get some sleep, Liv," Elliot says again. "I'll be fine, on one condition."

"What's that?"

"That I can kiss you again tomorrow."

Her stomach clenches suddenly, the realization dawning on her that this thing between her and Elliot is becoming real. But how can she refuse him after tonight? She's never been kissed like that before and she wants more of it. A lot more. The way he's made her body climax tonight without even touching her skin makes her wonder what else he can do to her, and she feels herself already looking forward to exploring the possibilities with him …

"You can," she says quietly.

"Can I kiss you now?"

"You can."

Her eyes slip closed when he kisses her softly once more and she suddenly knows why it feels so different with Elliot than with the other men she's kissed. She feels safe with him. If she hadn't felt safe with him, she would never have agreed to rent an apartment with him and what had just happened, wouldn't have happened either. She has always felt safe with Elliot, right from the start of their partnership. Maybe that's why it's always been him and only him, whether she would admit it to herself or not.

She smiles when Elliot tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and caresses her cheek with the backs of his fingers before releasing her.

"Goodnight Liv."

"Goodnight El."

"I hope this was more satisfactory for my wife."

"It definitely was. Thank you."

"Anytime Liv. Anytime."

...

 **A/N: And he really means that! I hope this made up for the frustrating end of the previous chapter as well as the long wait. Please review!**


	33. Right

**33\. Right**

Olivia had thought she wouldn't sleep a wink after her tryst with Elliot, but when she wakes up the next morning, she realizes she's slept like a log the entire night. It must have something to do with how content her body had been once she had slipped under the covers ... Right now, her bladder is almost exploding and she has trouble getting out of bed without having a little accident, but it's definitely worth the good night's sleep she's had.

She rushes to the bathroom and barely notices Elliot in the kitchen. While she is in the bathroom, her brain starts kicking into gear. Will it be awkward to see Elliot again? She can't avoid him today. They both have the weekend off and Elliot isn't on call for emergencies until Sunday. She thinks he's already making them breakfast and she wonders what time it is. It's completely light outside already and it's still January, so it can't be very early anymore.

She takes her time washing her hands and splashing some water in her face, and brushes her hair before emerging from the bathroom.

"Good morning," Elliot greets her cheerfully and she can't help but return his happy smile. He's wearing jeans and a faded a t-shirt and she likes how his weekend mode looks on him.

"Hey," she says quietly.

She stands next to him to see what he's making and Elliot immediately slips his arm around her waist. He kisses her temple and mumbles against her skin,

"I'm guessing you slept well."

Olivia is shocked at how natural this feels. She knows she gave Elliot permission to kiss her again but she hadn't expected it to feel this right. Exhilarating, but also very normal. She remembers his words from last night.

' _This is right, Liv. I know it is, and I know you can feel it too.'_

"I did," she responds, looking up at her partner. Her roommate. Her best friend. She wonders if he gained another label last night. "You?"

Elliot grins and Olivia bites her lip, remembering how utterly unsatisfied she'd left him the night before.

"I did too," Elliot tells her and then he adds suggestively, "eventually."

She wonders if he helped himself to a release but isn't sure if she can ask. Does she really want to know anyway?

"I would have helped," she blurts out but Elliot silences her with a quick peck on the lips.

"And I said I was fine. Now how about these scrambled eggs? Anything else I should add?"

Elliot releases her and focuses on their breakfast and she admires his capacity to put her mind at ease. She watches him work and has to admit he is becoming a better cook each week.

"Looks perfect to me," she tells him. "The smell is making me hungry."

"Good. You gotta eat. Set the table for us?"

Olivia nods and goes to work. Anyone who would see them now, would think they were just an ordinary, happy couple enjoying their Saturday morning together. She isn't sure about the couple thing yet, but decides that she _is_ going to enjoy their morning.

…

"How do you feel about assembling that bookcase you bought at long last?" Elliot suggest after they've had breakfast and Olivia has gotten dressed. "Then you can finally unpack your books and get those boxes in tater boy's bedroom out of the way."

Olivia thinks it's a great idea. She wants to get started on her baby's room and assembling the bookcase together is also a way to get to know each other in a different setting. She definitely gets to know a different side of him when assembling the case proves more tricky than Elliot had expected.

"Dammit!"

"What now El?"

"Where did that screw go now? I just had it!"

Olivia chuckles. She is standing and Elliot is sitting up on his knees, his hands resting on his thighs.

"It's not funny Liv. I'm doing this for you, remember?" Elliot says very seriously while looking up at her.

"I know," she says quickly, trying not to laugh. "And I appreciate it."

"No, you're not. You're laughing at me," Elliot huffs.

"I'm not laughing! Why don't you just get another screw from that little bag and we'll find the other one later."

"I don't want to step on it and make a hole in the floor. Or my foot."

The more serious Elliot gets about that lost screw, the giddier Olivia becomes. She is trying very hard not to laugh out loud but when Elliot groans again when he finally finds the screw, only to learn that he needs a different size, she can't hold it in any longer.

Elliot drops the screw, the screwdriver and the shelf he'd been holding and stares at her for a moment. Olivia covers her mouth with a hand but it's too late. Elliot stands up and she takes a quick step back when he steps over the half-assembled bookcase towards her.

"I'm sorry El, but it's just too funny," she tells him, still chuckling.

"There is nothing funny about it," Elliot barks but she can already see his eyes light up a little.

He is only half serious anymore. She moves back further, until she feels the couch behind her and an evil grin spreads on Elliot's face while he approaches her. What is he up to now?

"I will not be laughed at in my own home," he says menacingly.

"It's my home too," Olivia counters.

"And that's why we need to set a few ground rules," Elliot growls.

He is in her face now and gives her shoulders a gentle push, making her plop down on the couch.

"Hey!" she protests, but it's just for show. She can't wait to see what he is going to do next.

Elliot leans over her, resting his fists on the back of the couch. If she didn't know him so well, this might actually be intimidating. She can see how it would work on a suspect or even a disobedient child, but she just looks up at him, one eyebrow raised, as if to say, you don't scare me.

"There will be no laughing at your roommate when he's trying to help you," Elliot stipulates.

"Or?" she challenges.

Her heart rate is going up a little. She already knows where this is going. A smug smile spreads across Elliot's face and she can see that he is contemplating several options for a suitable punishment. She is getting a few ideas of her own, and when Elliot peruses her body without any shame, she thinks they are thinking along the same lines.

"How about … paying for dinner?" Elliot says.

Olivia huffs and actually feels disappointed, but then she sees Elliot's triumphant grin above her.

"Or do you have a better idea?" he asks her, and his soft, low voice definitely gives her better ideas. She isn't going to voice them though. This is his game, not hers.

"Nope. Sounds like a great rule," she says quickly, managing not to smile this time. "I get to laugh at you _and_ decide what we're having for dinner. I like it."

Elliot squints and she can see him hesitate. He must have been gunning for a kiss and he doesn't know how to proceed.

"Why don't you move so I can get up and we can get that bookcase ready," she suggests.

Elliot straightens up and holds out a hand to help her up. Normally, she would have swatted it away but her pregnancy is beginning to impair her movements at last. And so she grabs his hand and pulls herself up until she's standing chest to chest with Elliot. Or belly to belly in their case.

"I'll try not to laugh again," she promises, but Elliot shakes his head. He knows she won't be able to hold that promise.

"If you do, we may have to think of additional punishments."

"Oooh. I'm shaking already," she jokes.

"Don't taunt me, woman," Elliot admonishes, almost making her laugh again.

"But it's fun."

"New rule. There will be no taunting your roommate unless you're ready to face the consequences."

"I'm always ready to face the consequences of my actions," Olivia states firmly.

"You sure about that?" Elliot says, inching closer to her until their noses are almost touching.

"I am," she says confidently. "You'd better make sure you can handle me."

She knows she's surprised him but she isn't about to back down. She's never backed down from an challenge and she feels strangely comfortable in this suggestive game they're playing today.

"Is that a threat or a promise?" Elliot says, and she swears she hears a waver in his voice.

She is actually getting to him and his breathing is a little uneven.

"That all depends on what you do, doesn't it?" she asks huskily and she can see the exact moment when his restraint breaks.

He expels a harsh breath and then wraps one arm around her waist, placing his other hand against her cheek and holding her close while he kisses her. Olivia had been kind of ready for his reaction and she has to admit this is what she was gunning for as well. As strange as it is to kiss her best friend, she finds herself getting used to it fast, in a very good way. The effect he has on her body is even stronger than in her dreams, and she has had some hot dreams about him over time. He tastes like Elliot and it would make sense that he doesn't remind her of anything or anyone else. It's just him. His big hand finds its way down to her butt and Olivia groans softly. It's frustrating that she can't get as close to him as she'd want to because of her belly but Elliot makes up for it with his slow, deep kiss. He doesn't overpower her but she is getting weak in the knees. The feeling of his tongue caressing her own causes jolts of electricity shoot through her entire body. She wraps one arm around his neck to make sure she stays upright and then Elliot breaks off the kiss to look at her.

"Wow," she sighs. "What did I do to deserve that kind of punishment?"

Elliot grins and her heart skips a beat. My God, he's handsome. And still so very close. The scent of Elliot encompasses her.

"You taunted me," he says, and his voice sounds hoarse and tense, but it a good way.

"I should do that more often," she says softly, almost whispering.

"I think you should sit down," Elliot says, and she frowns. He's ruining the moment, she thinks. Elliot chuckles.

"I can barely keep you up Liv."

That's when she realizes she's practically hanging in his arms. She straightens up quickly and then agrees to sit down on the couch. She's relieved when Elliot sits down close to her and wraps his arms around her again, one behind her around her shoulders, and one across her lap. He kisses her temple and she turns her head to capture his lips with her own once more.

"I'm making you lightheaded?" Elliot asks, and Olivia rolls her eyes since he's clearly fishing for a compliment.

"Don't tell me the big, strong Detective needs his manliness confirmed," she says jokingly.

Elliot chuckles and moves his hand from her thigh to her belly. It's becoming quite impressive at 27 weeks.

"I guess you just can't take on two guys at a time."

"What?!" Olivia gasps, her eyes widening with shock.

She realizes instantly that her mind took an incredibly stupid turn but the damage has already been done. Elliot knows what she was thinking for a split second and he laughs out loud.

"Wow, you have a dirty mind, Detective!" he exclaims, still laughing. "You don't think for a second that I'd share you with anyone else, do you? Tater boy and me are the only men who can come near you, just remember that."

Olivia feels her cheeks flush. She can't believe she even let her mind go there and she wants to blame her hormones. She can't switch from an intense kiss back to baby fluff that fast in her current state. Her heart is still pounding because she and Elliot seem to be starting a new habit called making out spontaneously. When Elliot had asked her last night if he could kiss her again today, she hadn't expected this much kissing. Then again, she's encouraging him. Now that she knows what it feels like, it's as if her hormones have doubled their efforts to get her laid.

She bites her lip and places her hand over Elliot's on her belly.

"I think tater boy's asleep now, so it's just us," Elliot says softly.

The tenderness in his voice makes her shiver and she keeps her eyes focused on their hands on her belly.

"I know what I want Liv," Elliot states and Olivia holds her breath. "We'll go at your pace but you gotta understand … once that door is open, I'm just a man."

She shakes her head then. It's automatic. She will always defend her partner. Her best friend. Even from himself, it seems.

"You're not just a man El," she says quietly. "You're a wonderful man. I'm lucky to have you as a friend."

Elliot leans over until his lips skim her temple again. It's such a loving gesture that she is gladly getting used to.

"Just a friend, Liv?" he asks before pressing a kiss to her skin."A friend with a few benefits?"

He makes it sound so cheap while she thinks that the connection they share is anything but cheap. The physical part is new but it doesn't make their bond less special.

"That's not what this is, El," she tells him. "You're not … it's not just my hormones."

She blushes again at her own admission.

Elliot doesn't say anything and she appreciates it a lot. He isn't trying to embarrass her. She turns her head and kisses him softly on the lips. It's becoming something of an addiction fast. Elliot smiles and caresses her belly while he kisses her once more, nipping at her lips until she parts them for him. Olivia moans softly when he deepens the kiss and she closes her eyes, surrendering to the moment. Elliot is right. This is right.

...

 **A/N: I typed fast to get this chapter ready today, so I hope there aren't too many typos and it doesn't seem rushed. More as soon as I find the time to write again! Please review.**


	34. Letting go

**A little heads up: let me know if I should have changed the rating of this story before posting this chapter. And … enjoy!**

...

 **34\. Letting go**

The bookcase is ready at last, and Elliot has offered to unpack Olivia's books while she makes dinner. He doesn't want her to carry too many things and while Olivia had been ready to object, she has to admit that aside from the dizziness, she's starting to feel the effects of her pregnancy in her back. Op top of that, her round ligament pains are becoming worse as well. Bending to pick up books and then reaching up to place them in the bookcase doesn't appeal to her right now, and she had given in after objecting just a little for show. She thinks Elliot is aware that the aches and pains due to her pregnancy are beginning to increase, although he hasn't said anything. She's too proud to admit to them anyway and she smiles at herself while pouring some brown rice into boiling water. Maybe she shouldn't be so proud anymore. It's only going to get worse from now on until her baby is born, and whether she likes to think about it or not, Elliot has ample experience with supporting a pregnant woman.

It had taken both of them some self-control to stop kissing and touching after a while and get back to work. She knows Elliot is trying to respect her boundaries, but the truth is, she isn't sure anymore where those boundaries are now. It's becoming increasingly easy to fall into Elliot's arms and as much as she tries to blame her hormones, deep down she knows it's much more than that. These aren't spur-of-the-moment actions. Not on his part and ultimately, not on her part either. They've both thought about it and would never risk their friendship if they weren't sure about each other in a big way. The decision to share an apartment hadn't just been practical. Yes, she had agreed in the end to help Elliot out with his children, but naturally she had enjoyed the prospect of having him close by at all times. She had gotten used to not living alone anymore when he'd been sleeping on her couch. She's surprised herself a little in that respect. After she had finally fled her mother's home, it had been pure bliss to have a place of her own. Her apartment had been her oasis, her sanctuary. The one place where she could truly be herself.

And now?

There's a baby on the way. It's a dream come true but she knows it will also be a huge adjustment, and a permanent one at that. And while she is looking forward more and more to holding her son in her arms and spending time alone with him, it is so easy to picture Elliot there too. As her partner, he would naturally have become a male role model in her child's life, but he has offered them something much better. A father figure.

Elliot is the kind of father her baby deserves. The kind of father she would have wanted to have when she was little. She knows that Elliot would never allow anyone to hurt his children. And if they got hurt anyway, he'd be there for them. He has his faults, obviously, but who doesn't? She's seen him in action, doing whatever it takes for his kids. She can only hope he will be able to do that for her child as well.

"Liv, should I put the camera in one of the drawers? Or do you want to keep it in tater boy's room?"

Elliot's practical question pulls her out of her thoughts and she walks around the fridge out of the kitchen before answering him.

"Ehm. Just put it in a drawer for now. I'm afraid I'll be rearranging stuff in the baby room for a while before it's ready."

Elliot nods and chooses one of the four drawers below the bookshelves to put her video camera in. Olivia watches him work for a minute, her eyes drifting to his arms while they move to put her things away neatly. Most of her books have been placed on the shelves and he's putting her movies in another drawer of the bookcase. She's always admired his arms and now that she knows what it feels like to be held by them, she has to remind herself not to stare. A hissing sound from the kitchen reminds her that she hasn't turned the gas down, and her rice is now boiling over. She hurries back into the kitchen and hears Elliot chuckle. He must know she had been staring at him and she shakes her head, but she can't help smiling either. Maybe she should shake off the embarrassment and just let it all happen. She knows that she doesn't want anyone else anyway. Not for herself and not for her son.

…

Olivia tries to take a deep breath but fails. Her breath hitches instead. Elliot's hands have been kneading the muscles in her shoulders and back, making her groan contently. He's and exceptional masseur and she has started to feel more and more relaxed, sitting between his knees in front of him on the couch, her elbows resting on her knees and her head bowed. But now, his hands are drifting elsewhere. His lips are skimming the back of her head while his hands are moving to her front gradually, until they are cupping her breasts.

"Feel better?" he asks her huskily and she feels a little bit of embarrassment return when she can only nod.

"I'm glad."

She nods again and forces herself to keep breathing.

"This okay?" Elliot asks, gently rubbing the undersides of her breasts with his fingers.

She feels like her skin is heating up even through her bra and shirt. She bites her lip and closes her eyes, then gives him a courageous answer.

"No."

"No?"

Elliot is clearly surprised and moves his hands down quickly, cupping her baby bump instead. Olivia shakes her head, grinning. Elliot can't see her face and she wishes she could see his when she clarifies,

"No … it's not enough."

She swears she hears Elliot's breath hitch. It's finally his turn to be rendered speechless.

"Not … what … what do you mean?" he manages to stammer.

Olivia sits upright until her back is pressed against Elliot's chest and pulls her wide white blouse up before putting her hands over his.

"On my skin," she whispers and then starts moving Elliot's hands back up her body.

He catches on quickly and presses a kiss to her neck while letting her guide his hands until they are cupping her breasts again. He moves his thumbs up until he hits skin and Olivia sighs. Her heart is beating fast and her body is aching to be touched without anything between them. Elliot's thumbs carefully brush along her bra and she knows he is wondering how much 'more' she wants. She drops her head back, resting it against his shoulder. Elliot brushes his cheek against hers lovingly and she shudders. It isn't just sex that her body is craving. It's _him_. It isn't just pregnancy hormones. It's _them_.

"Liv," Elliot croaks.

She doesn't respond. She just waits until Elliot takes things further. He slips his right thumb underneath the fabric of her simple bra. Lace bras don't support her expanding bosom properly anymore but right now she could care less about appearances. She just tries to continue taking deep breaths while Elliot's thumb finally finds her bare nipple. His left hand drifts down her torso again, to the side of her belly and then over her thigh. She knows where it's headed and bites her lip. Her body is screaming, Yes! Touch me there! while it's getting warm under his touch. His chest feels hot against her back and she scoots back even further to feel more of him. Elliot groans and she knows she's pressed up against the proof of his own arousal now. She closes her eyes again, trying not to let her mind run with that thought, but it's too late. When the fingers of his left hand reach their destination, she breathes in sharply.

"Should I stop?" Elliot asks next to her ear.

"No …" she manages to gasp and Elliot chuckles.

He moves his hand back up a bit and then slips it inside her maternity jeans. Olivia gives in to all the excitement coursing through her veins then and relaxes against him while his fingers nimbly make their way down again until they hit her panties. He stops and waits. Olivia knows what to do. He is asking for permission.

"Yes," she whispers almost inaudibly but it's enough for Elliot. His fingers slip inside her panties and find their intended target easily. Olivia lets out a soft grunt and feels Elliot's lips press against her neck harder. She admires his restraint and part of her wishes she could match it because again, he isn't getting enough out of this. But when his left hand moves very deliberately and the fingers of both hands make her skin burn in the best way. Olivia lets her legs fall open a little further and grabs his knees, for support as well as something of him to hold on to. She knows he won't let her slide off the couch but it's a little frustrating that she can't see him or do anything. But the way he is touching her is almost paralyzing. Her body is too eager, and so is Elliot. He isn't concerned with himself, just with pleasuring her. And she lets him.

She can barely move in their current position but her hips try to meet Elliot's touch anyway. She squirms and squeezes his knees harder when his fingers find her wetness and two of them slip inside her body tentatively. Her body's response spurs him on and it doesn't take him long to find the exact spot where she needs him.

His right thumb has pulled down one side of her bra and Olivia is beyond caring at this point. He is rubbing and squeezing her breast while she rides his fingers. She is panting without shame now and Elliot is breathing hard along with her, whispering sweet words of encouragement to her. She hears the word 'baby' a few times and it makes her feel incredibly safe somehow. Elliot's got her. He won't let her fall, so she allows herself to let go.

"Owowowow," she groans, almost bucking off the couch. Elliot's right arm wraps around her torso just below her breasts and above her baby bump and she lets go completely. Elliot pushes his fingers deeply into her and holds, pressing the palm of his hand against her body while her body climaxes around him, against him, because of him. Elliot holds her tightly against him, dropping sweet kisses on her neck and shoulder while she rides the waves of ecstasy and then wile she calms down. Her body is shaking and she moans when Elliot retracts his fingers slowly. She wants to say something but she can't find the appropriate words. She turns her head to look at him and Elliot takes the opportunity to kiss her gently on the lips.

"How's your back?" he asks her, his lips brushing against hers.

"Much better," she sighs.

"I'm glad."

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

He kisses her again and she kisses him back lazily. She feels so sleepy now and she's too spent to worry about what it all means or about Elliot's needs. He doesn't seem concerned either and just kisses her until she dozes off in his arms.

…

 **A/N To be continued. Please review. Thank you for your patience and in case you're reading Coma too: yes, there will be more of that too! I've just been busy ...**


	35. Want

**35\. Want**

Olivia wakes up in her own bed, alone, the next morning. She isn't sure how to feel about that. She rolls on her back, groaning a little because her round ligaments hurt, and then heaves a sigh. Part of her wishes Elliot was with her, while another part of her feels a little guilty that she is letting Elliot satisfy her while he doesn't get a lot out of it himself. She wants that for him too, and she can't help wondering if he isn't being overly careful with her because of the pregnancy. Her thoughts drift in a direction she'd rather not see them go, but she can't help it this time. She wonders if he was this way with Kathy too, whenever she was pregnant. She can't imagine a healthy, warm blooded man like him going without intimacy for months on end when he has a woman in his life that he is allowed to touch. Maybe Kathy didn't want to be touched during her pregnancies? Olivia can't imagine it. She's never been this hungry for sex before. If it wasn't for Elliot, she would definitely have used her little toy friend on herself by now. Her raging hormones remind her of her teenage years, when she was changing from a girl into a woman. She's still grateful that she got through those years relatively unscathed. A few bad dates aside, she had already been a good judge of character. She didn't drink at the time, because of her mother, and she hadn't gotten into any real trouble. No trouble she didn't want to be in anyway. Naturally, her mother's blunt warnings had helped too. She had always stayed fit and strong, just in case she'd need to get away from somebody fast. Still, she knows she's been lucky. If her job has taught her anything, it's that everyone can get hurt, no matter how well prepared they think they are.

After pushing herself up and out of bed, she makes her way to the bathroom. It's starting to get light already and she wonders if Elliot is awake. When she walks back to her room, she hears the sound of his ringing phone coming from his bedroom. She stops in front of their bedroom doors and hears his groggy voice answering the call.

"Stabler … yeah … alright … Yeah, got it. Gimme 20."

She hears him rummaging about in his room and blinks when he suddenly pulls his door open and sees her. She had been so caught up in listening to him, that she hadn't realized he would come out soon.

"Hey. Did I wake you?" Elliot inquires.

"Uh no … I had to go … you know," she stammers, gesturing in the direction of the living room vaguely. "Do you … do you have to go?"

"Yeah."

He steps around her and heads towards the kitchen.

"They need all hands on deck. Manhunt for three guys who attacked a girl at gunpoint in the garden of an entire block of apartments. It happened just an hour ago so we have to get there fast. They're calling in everyone, for canvassing the block as well."

"I can help," Olivia says, following Elliot into the kitchen.

"Out of the question," Elliot says sternly and Olivia frowns.

"What?!"

"You know you can't come, Liv," Elliot says, and the exasperation in his voice annoys her.

"I can still interview people," she huffs.

Elliot looks at her and she can see the fatigue in his eyes. Didn't he sleep well?

"You know Cragen won't allow it," he says curtly and Olivia sighs.

"I know. I just want to feel useful."

Elliot has made himself a quick peanut butter sandwich to go and takes a bite. Olivia pours them both some juice and watches Elliot chew. He has his focused on-the-job face on already.

"You're useful," he says, his mouth still half full. "You know that."

He continues chewing and then swallows, washing the bite away with his juice.

"You're growing a kid, Liv," he adds after finishing his juice. "It's not something you do on the side. It's where your focus needs to be for now."

He turns away from her to grab his coat, sandwich in hand, as if the conversation is over. Olivia doesn't want to argue with him this early in the morning but she wonders if Elliot is at all okay with moms working full time. They've never really talked about it. In fact, they've never really talked about anything like that, since it was never about _them_. She follows him to the door and tells him,

"Call me if there's anything I can do, alright?"

Elliot nods and turns to leave but Olivia quickly grabs his arm. He stops and looks at her and she smiles a little hesitantly at him. He seems to pick up on why she stopped him and his face softens.

"Be safe," Olivia says quietly and he smiles at her.

"I will."

He leans in and gives her a peck on the lips. Their eyes meet and stay locked for a moment. Olivia stands on her toes and kisses Elliot softly again and Elliot's smile widens.

"That's nice," he says, and he doesn't seem as far away anymore.

"Yeah. It is."

"I'll be fine. We'll get these creeps."

Olivia nods and lets go of him so he can leave. These creeps. Plural. She shudders involuntarily. Three armed men performing a public gang rape. What a world they live in.

…

After Elliot leaves, Olivia tries to eat something but she feels queasy. She wants to help this woman who was brutalized and after a while, she decides to call Cragen.

As Elliot had predicted, their boss doesn't want her to help. She's got the Sunday off and he doesn't want her to come in.

"What about the girl?" she asks. "I can go see her at the hospital."

"Last I heard, she's still in surgery," Cragen says. "We don't even know if she's gonna make it."

Olivia shakes her head. The only upside to this scenario is that she will be unconscious while a rape kit is being done.

"Someone should be with her when she wakes up."

"Liv. We've called her family as well as a rape crisis counselor. You are to stay home and rest so you'll be ready to come in tomorrow morning at eight. And not a minute sooner."

Cragen ends the call and Olivia finally accepts that she won't be able to do anything to help today. She fully intends to visit the victim in the morning though, provided the woman pulls through. She decides to start working on her baby's room at last to take her mind off of the case and off Elliot. But he stays in her thoughts anyway. He had seemed so tired and she wonders again if he didn't sleep well. She should make it crystal clear to him that she can handle him and that he doesn't have to treat her like a porcelain doll just because she's pregnant. She is still perfectly capable of satisfying him and she secretly hopes that once she convinces him, maybe she won't have to wake up alone every morning.

They'll still have their own rooms, especially when the kids come over next weekend but the way things are going, it shouldn't be long before they end up in one of their beds together.

She's still amazed sometimes how naturally their relationship is evolving from a strong platonic friendship into something that holds a promise for the future. Kissing him goodbye at the door had been a first but it hadn't felt awkward. It wasn't their first kiss, but still there had been something official about it. She felt like she was telling Elliot, we're doing this now. It's real. Maybe she was telling herself as much as him.

She vacuums the baby's room meticulously once more before making the final decisions about what should go where. She knows better than to try and move the twin's bunk bed on her own but fortunately it's already in the right place, to the far left of the room. She arranges the smaller furniture until the room is exactly like she wants it, with the changing table to the right, fully stocked with everything she will need, baby's crib across from the door and to top it all off, a second-hand rocking chair that used to belong to her mother. They had gotten it out of storage the week before and Olivia places it between the crib and the bunk bed. She makes a mental note to buy a soft pillow soon to put in the rocking chair.

The playpen and pram will stay in their boxes for now in her own bedroom. Elliot has placed the carseat in the living area with the grey bear in it, to remind them that there will be another little person in their household soon. She likes how he pays attention to little details like that, and thinking about his thoughtfulness puts her mind at ease a little about how he had brushed her off this morning. He'd been barely awake, she argues. She should help him sleep better and she knows just the way to do it.

…

Elliot comes home around 7 PM and Olivia orders his favorite Thai food while he takes a shower. They caught the sick creeps at long last and Olivia can tell from Elliot's knuckles that he's taken his rage over the case out on some inanimate object. She doesn't know a lot of details about the case yet. All she knows is that Elliot needs to calm down so she doesn't bug him for answers and all but pushes him towards the bathroom.

She tries not to think of him in the shower. It's not what he needs right now. He needs some time to compartmentalize what he's seen, like they all do at the SVU. They can't survive unless they bury the horrors and focus on getting the bastards responsible off the streets. Olivia puts on some quiet music and dims the light in the sitting area. When their food arrives, she puts all the containers on the coffee table, opens a bottle of beer for Elliot and a bottle of water for herself.

When Elliot emerges from the bathroom in sweatpants and a fresh t-shirt, he is visibly surprised with what she's done. Olivia walks up to him and grabs his hand.

"Come on. You have to eat."

She pulls him along with her and he lets her guide him to the couch. They sit down and Olivia inspects his hand before releasing it. She puts her hand over his raw knuckles and looks at him. Elliot gives her a half smile and an understanding passes between them that warms both of them. She isn't asking him to tell her what made him put a hole in some wall or door and he isn't going to tell her right now.

"Beer?" she asks him simply.

"Please."

She hands him the opened bottle and grabs her own bottle of water. They drink in silence and then eat quietly. After a while, Elliot starts telling her about his day. About how they had eventually managed to track the perps to a house in Brooklyn. How one of them had come out, unaware of any police presence and had made a run for it. How Elliot had tackled him to the ground personally. How they had surrounded the house to get the other two and how it had taken hours to bring all three of them in. And how he had gone over to the hospital with Fin afterwards to check on their victim.

"She's on life support Liv," he sighs. "They actually shot her while they were …"

He hangs his head and Olivia wraps an arm around his shoulders.

"She lost a lot of blood. If she makes it through the night, she has a fighting chance."

"Let's pray that she does," Olivia whispers.

Elliot lifts his head and looks into her eyes. Their faces are close and the intensity in his eyes makes Olivia's stomach clench.

"We've got witnesses. The canvas paid off," he tells her, never breaking eye contact.

"That's good. There's no telling what the girl saw or what she can even remember."

"Exactly. They're going down even if …"

She knows he's thinking, even if the girl doesn't make it. She reaches up and caresses Elliot's cheek. He leans towards her until his forehead connects with hers. She has no words to comfort him but she doesn't need any. She knows what he's feeling because she's felt the same things. They move as one when their heads tilt until their lips find each other. Elliot groans softly and his hands move around her waist while they kiss each other slowly. Olivia's eyes slip closed and she allows herself to let go of any doubts she may have had. This is right and she knows it. Whatever Elliot needs right now, she wants to give it to him because she loves him. His hands travel her curves while their kiss deepens and Olivia wishes she could lie down. Her belly is in the way and she wants to get closer to Elliot. He seems to be reading her mind when he nudges her gently until she moves back to lay down on the couch. Elliot breaks off the kiss and looks down at her. They are half lying, half sitting in a slightly uncomfortable angle. His stare is still intense and there is a heat in his eyes that makes her body tingle.

"El," she sighs.

He is leaning on one arm and his other hand travels down to her thigh, caressing it gently while his eyes follow his hand.

"Let me take care of you this time," she says bravely.

Elliot's eyes flick back up to hers and Olivia smiles as confidently as she can manage. She isn't shy in the bedroom but this is Elliot and it makes her a little nervous to think about touching him. Seeing all of him. But she wants to. She really wants him and she knows by now it's not just her hormones making her crazy.

Olivia pushes herself up again and Elliot moves back with her. His eyes are burning holes in hers. She knows he isn't going to refuse her. He wants it just as badly and she can't blame him.

"Liv …" he sighs, shaking his head lightly, but she knows his protest is just for show.

"You've been so good to me El. It's only fair."

Before Elliot can even take a breath to say something, she adds,

"And I really want to."

…


	36. In the dark

**To the ALL CAPS guest reviewer who is getting bored: you are not obligated to read this story. No hard feelings. I'm sure there are better stories out there :)  
To the people who are still enjoying this, here is the next chapter for you!**

...

 **36\. In the dark**

 _Let me take care of you this time._

Her words hang between them and Olivia's heart beats fast when she stands up and takes Elliot's hand.

 _You've been so good to me El. It's only fair._

It's the truth. And on top of that, she is really longing to see more of him. To touch more of him and get closer to him. They've always been close as friends but she wants more now. Elliot has made his intentions clear to her but he's given her space to make up her own mind. It's time for her to respond and show him that she wants this too. That she wants him and that she wants a future with him. No more holding back for the sake of his kids or for appearances' sake. She may be pregnant but she's still all woman too, and she wants to give to Elliot, not just receive from him.

His eyes are dark and despite the obvious lust, she can see he's still conflicted.

"Come on," she urges, hoping to help him overcome his hesitation.

She's not made of porcelain. She can still give as much as she's getting, and she plans to prove that to him tonight.

Elliot follows her to her bedroom. He doesn't say a word and she wonders what he's thinking. Maybe he has finally stopped thinking. The bulge in his sweatpants is visible proof that at least his body is going along with her plans. Olivia pulls him along by his hand until they stop in front of her bed. She turns around and sits down on the foot of the bed. Elliot is standing in front of her and her eyes drop to his sweatpants automatically. His hands move to rest on her shoulders and when she looks up, she sees that intense gaze again.

"Liv, you don't have to do this," he rasps. "I really don't mind …"

"I know you barely slept last night," she interrupts him.

She wraps her hands around the backs of his thighs and tugs him closer until he's standing between her knees. Olivia kisses Elliot's stomach through his t-shirt before looking up at him again.

"You take care of me so well. I want to do that for you, too."

Elliot takes a small step back. He's trembling but he still doesn't seem convinced.

"I think you shouldn't …"

He takes a deep breath and Olivia knows it's hard for him to hold back. But what could still be bothering him? He shakes his head lightly and tries again.

"You shouldn't use your mouth."

He seems relieved to have gotten the words out. Olivia is only mildly surprised. He isn't turning down her offer, just one possible part of it.

"Why not?"

"I don't know if it's risky … for tater boy."

"Oh. Okay."

She hadn't thought of that and she doesn't know either.

"Hands okay?" she asks, tugging him closer to her once more.

Elliot nods just once but it's enough for her.

"Come here then."

Elliot finally gives in and sits on the bed with her.

"Lay down," Olivia says huskily, and after some scooting around, they are both in the middle of the bed.

She drapes her body against Elliot's and, leaning on one elbow, moves to kiss him deeply. Now that she has him in her bed, she is going to enjoy it, even if this is going to be mainly for Elliot's pleasure. She can feel Elliot caving at last and they moan together as they deepen the kiss. Olivia's free hand drifts down his body, caressing his chest and abs over his t-shirt, until she can slip her hand underneath the fabric. His skin is warm and his muscles are hard and she feels little jolts of excitement throughout her own body while she touches him. She's wanted to touch him like this for so long ...

Elliot is rubbing her hip and then moves his hand up as well, underneath her wide maternity shirt. They explore each other, mouths finding necks and collarbones while hands find skin and more skin.

When they break off the kiss for some much needed oxygen, Olivia finally slips her hand into the waistband of Elliot's sweatpants. She quickly realizes he isn't wearing anything underneath … Her fingers find a patch of hair first and Elliot lets out a shuddering breath when she hits something hard. Her stomach clenches when her fingers explore further, until she can wrap them around his shaft. She closes her eyes and drops her head to Elliot's shoulder. Damn, he's big. She feels a dull throb inside her body, a part of her longing for this part of him. But this is for him first, she's decided and so she moves her hand, knowing what a man needs to come undone just like this.

Elliot is taking deep breaths at first but after less than a minute, his breathing becomes faster and more shallow. He whispers her name and kisses her shoulder, and Olivia wishes she wasn't wearing that shirt so she could feel his lips on her skin. She is pleasuring Elliot but it isn't leaving her own body unaffected. Far from it. She bites her lip and drops her forehead to Elliot's chest. His hips have started moving along with her skillful hand and she knows the pressure is building for him. His erratic breathing is giving him away and she can read him easily. When he kisses her neck, she turns her head to capture his lips with hers, and Elliot kisses her hungrily once more. They moan together while Elliot approaches his climax and Olivia wishes she could get closer to him. Her body is screaming to be touched as well but she can't get close enough with tater boy pressed between them.

When Elliot comes undone, his groans make her body respond all over and she feels lightheaded. His lips have left hers and he's breathing heavily against her cheek as he empties himself all over her hand and his abdomen. The smell of sex makes Olivia crave him even more but she reels herself in, reminding herself that this is all for Elliot. When he relaxes and rolls heavily on his side against her, she pulls her hand away and wipes it on his sweatpants before wrapping her arm around his waist. Elliot's eyes are closed and his lips are parted. He is still calming down and Olivia smiles. She kisses his lips softly a few times until he opens his eyes and grins lazily at her.

"Was that alright?" she asks, already knowing the answer. She's never had complaints about her manual skills in bed before and the man in her arms seems extremely satisfied.

"That was awesome," Elliot mumbles, his eyes already closing again.

"You're welcome," Olivia whispers.

She knows Elliot had been tired when he'd left that morning and he's exhausted after his long day with a horrific case to solve. He should sleep and she's suddenly very happy she took him into her room and not his. He's falling asleep and since it's her bed, she won't have to leave. She manages to pull the comforter over him at least partly and she knows Elliot is already asleep when he doesn't even lift a finger to help her. Her body is still pumping but she forces herself to ignore it. Instead, she stares at Elliot's relaxed face. He's never looked more handsome to her than right now, unshaved and smelling of shampoo, Thai food, semen and beer. When she is certain that he is sound asleep, she slips out of bed to freshen up and change for the night. She changes into clean panties and a sleeveless nightgown and her heart flutters happily when she returns to her bedroom to find Elliot still sleeping in her bed. She scoots in next to him, hoping she won't wake him up so he will stay. When she caresses his cheek, Elliot's arm wraps around her in his sleep and Olivia smiles. She may not have been satisfied physically but this is satisfying in a very different way. She could get used to this. Most definitely.

…

It's still completely dark outside when Olivia wakes up because Elliot is stirring next to her.

"Hey," she whispers to let him know she's awake.

"Hey. I didn't mean to wake you," Elliot whispers back.

"Are you leaving?" she asks, suddenly aware that he hasn't just stirred, but is sitting up with his legs out of bed.

"Ehm, I'm a little sticky," he responds, and Olivia can picture his shy grin even without seeing his face.

"Come back after cleaning up?" she asks hopefully.

Elliot stands up and Olivia isn't sure if he will come back to her room, because he doesn't say anything. After she's heard the bathroom door close, she listens for sounds of him returning, either to her room or his own. She frowns when she hears him walk into his bedroom after freshening up. He isn't coming back … But then she hears him come back out and she realizes he probably just got changed in his own room. She can make out his form in the dim light coming from the street lamps and she bites her lip when she sees that he is wearing boxer briefs now instead of sweatpants. She props herself up on her elbows when Elliot sits down next to her on the edge of the bed on 'her' side.

"You want me to get back into bed with you?" he asks her softly.

She nods and then tells him 'yes' in case he can't see her nod. Elliot stands up and rounds the bed to scoot back into bed on the side he was before. Olivia rolls over to face him and smiles when Elliot wraps his arm around her waist. She lifts her head so he can drape his other arm underneath her neck. She can't make out his face in the dark against the dim lights coming in through the window from the street but she knows he can see her smile.

"You were right El," she says quietly, although she still feels a little nervous.

But she's made up her mind at last and is ready to take the plunge.

"That's always great to hear. But what was I right about this time?" Elliot asks, and she can hear his triumphant grin in his voice. She chuckles but then answers him very seriously,

"This is right. You and me."

Elliot moves even closer to her and kisses her softly. Olivia caresses his cheek and nuzzles her nose against his.

"It is," Elliot says softly. "And looking back, I've known it for a long time."

Olivia bites her lip and then admits, equally softly,

"Me too. I just couldn't …"

"I know," Elliot interrupts her. "I was married. But not anymore. Like I said, this whole situation has brought out in the open what had already been there for a long time."

"Yeah. I guess you were right about that, too."

Elliot kisses her again, and Olivia surrenders to the moment, and to him. It is so right to be with him and now that she has him in her bed, she doesn't want to let him go. She tries to get closer to him and feels her stomach clench when their bare legs tangle and Elliot's knee brushes up against her lower half. She moans into his mouth and deepens the kiss. Elliot tastes uniquely like Elliot and she breathes him in. His hands roam her back and butt underneath her nightgown and she can sense that he's trying to get closer to her as well. She breaks off the kiss and pushes Elliot on his back. He looks up at her and she smiles again.

"I want you," she whispers before leaning down to kiss him again.

"Liv."

There's something in his voice that throws her off a little. It's a hesitation that she thought he had overcome a long time ago.

"What, El?" she asks and she caresses his chest soothingly.

"I want you too, you know that."

"Yeah."

She leans down to kiss him again and he kisses her back, but when she tries to get closer again, moving one leg between his again, he breaks off the kiss.

"Liv," he repeats, and he pushes her back on her side gently.

"Yeah?"

"I wanna touch you all over. See all of you."

"I'm not stopping you," she says, and she means it. No more doubting. This is what she wants.

"But I'm not going to make love to you while you're pregnant w …"

He stops talking abruptly and a sense of dread suddenly comes over Olivia. What was he going to say? What is he saying? He's not going to make love to her? And then it hits her and her blood runs cold.

"While I'm pregnant with someone else's child," she finishes for him, her voice filled with horror. She is shocked at the surge of emotions suddenly coming over her.

"Liv, that's not …"

"Yes it is. That's what you were going to say," she interrupts him again.

She rolls away from him and sits up.

"That is what you were going to say!"

It hits her full force now.

Someone else's child.

Her baby will always be someone else's child to him. He will never love him as much as his own children. He will never love him like his own. Like her son deserves to be loved.

Her life isn't just about her anymore. In fact, her baby will come first from now on. She can't put her own desires before his needs, ever. Her son hasn't asked to be born. The actions of others have led to his existence and as a mother, it is her duty to make sure he receives everything that he needs to become a strong man, who in turn will do his part in the world. She can't allow him to be raised by someone who won't love him unconditionally. Someone who won't love him as much as she does. It breaks her heart when she tells Elliot in a whisper,

"This was a mistake."

…

 **Dun dun …**

 **Sorry about this but I just had to. It was going a little too well, wasn't it?**


	37. At arm's length

**A/N I received a little more feedback explaining the review I referred to earlier, also by another reviewer. Thank you both (all caps reviewer and Sasha) for that. I understand the 'complaint' better now. I will respond here once, and after that I won't mention it again in this story. My PM's are open for further discussion, all it takes is to create an account and log in. If you're happy with this story, feel free to skip this entire note and go straight for the next chapter.**

* * *

 **First of all, it is true that I was relatively 'unfazed' by the comment about updating every other year and doing it with 100 word chapters - because that is simply not about me. I honestly (** _ **honestly**_ **) thought at first that the review had accidentally been posted under the wrong story.**

 **Secondly, this was always going to be a lengthy, slow-paced story and the entire plot is in my head. It hasn't changed. I know my writing pace can be too slow for some, but I love to go deep so here we are. I will be honest: I** _ **have**_ **struggled to get to the stage in the story where we are now. I wanted this hiccup to be at the exact moment Olivia had decided to go all in, and I took my time getting there. It's Olivia after all!  
** **At the same time, I haven't dragged things out on purpose to get reviews. It has actually been a struggle to get any chapters done at all for a while. I was suffering from writer's block and I'm very sorry if that showed in my writing.  
** **Serious suggestion: if it's too slow for you but you still want to know what happens, maybe you could check back in a while and read several chapters in one go. I've gotten reviews of people who have read everything in one go and the pace doesn't seem to bother them as much.** **  
**

 **Lastly, I'm offering you all my writing for free and my original response does still stand. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. Naturally, I want people to read my work and I check my stats to make sure people are still reading. I'm doing the best I can in the limited time I have at my disposal because I enjoy writing. I'm happy when people like it, but when people think they have some kind of right to my writing or that they can demand things of me, I take a step back and raise a proverbial eyebrow. That's not how it works with fanfiction. This is my hobby, not my job, and I have an offline life to attend to. I won't apologize for my updating frequency. My stories are free but not available on demand. I always welcome constructive criticism and I like to think I take it well. When someone explains what is bothering them, I take it seriously. But when the feedback is unwarranted or just plain angry, I choose to shake it off.**

 **Well, enough about this. Like I said, my PM's are open. I can't respond privately to guest reviews and won't write another lengthy A/N about guest reviews again in this story. I'm sorry to bother my happy readers with it at all.**

 **Now, on with the story because that's what we're here for! There is a lot of ground to cover, so here we go.**

* * *

 **37\. At arm's length**

 _"This was a mistake."_

"No Liv."

"Please, Elliot. Just go. I want to be alone. I need to think."

The silence in the room is deafening for a few moments. Then Olivia hears Elliot take a breath to say something and she turns away from him to stand up.

"I understand," she tells Elliot. "You don't want me including someone else's baby. It's fine."

She almost chokes on the last word and wishes Elliot will just leave her alone with the jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions that threaten to overtake her.

"That came out wrong Liv, I didn't mean …"

"Please," she begs again, near tears now. She won't cry in front of Elliot so he needs to go now.

"I don't want to leave you like this," Elliot says, getting up from the bed and walking up to her to stand behind her. "You're going to get all kinds of things in your head and they're all going to be wrong."

She knows he's right about her tendency to overthink things. But she can't think at all with him here, still smelling so good and standing so close to her. She has a child to consider and her baby needs her to protect him from getting hurt.

"I know what you were going to say, El," Olivia says with a trembling voice. "And you know I'm right."

"It's not what I wanted to say."

"But you were thinking it."

"Not for the reason you think."

There! He admits it! Olivia wraps her arms around herself, trying to conceal that she's shaking. Was it all too good to be true?

"Just go Elliot," she whispers, no longer trusting her voice.

"We'll talk about this in the morning," Elliot says.

His voice is strained and she knows he is frustrated with her right now. To his credit, he doesn't try to push her. She doesn't respond to his remark and she keeps her back turned to him until he finally leaves her room. Just before he closes the door, she hears him say softly,

"I'm sorry."

Olivia holds her breath until she hears Elliot's bedroom door close, and then she finally allows herself to cry. She sits down on the bed, lays down and curls up in a ball, cradling her belly with both arms. How could she have been so stupid! She's carrying another man's child. Regardless of the feelings that have been developing between her and Elliot for years, this child is not his and never will be. Does it gross him out that she's been with Miguel and that the result of casual sex is now growing inside her? He's been nothing but supportive so far, knowing how badly she has always wanted to be a mother, and he's promised her that he'll take care of her and her baby, but will he ever truly love the child?

All kinds of doom scenarios roll around in her head and when she thinks of Elliot's children, all with fair skin and blonde hair, her stomach churns just thinking about how her son will always be a outcast. She cries a little harder. He will always be different. He'll never be one of them. Her heart hurts for him already and she won't subject him to that kind of rejection. Elliot will still be her roommate but he can't be a father figure to her son. Not when this is how he really feels about him. Not when he sees him just as another man's child. He can't love her and not her child. As his mother, she is going to teach her son how unique and special he is. He won't be an outcast. He will be her one and only.

Olivia feels a profound pain in her chest about what has happened between her and Elliot. Just when she was ready to admit that she's deeply in love with him and wants a future with him, she feels like it's all being ripped to pieces. Elliot is the only man she ever trusted. _Really_ trusted. She still loves him and she knows he loves her, but she has to put her son first. He is her responsibility above everything else. She cries softly until she has no tears left and finally falls asleep.

…

Olivia gets up early the next morning, eats a quick breakfast and is out the door before Elliot comes out of his room. She can't face him right now. She just wants to go to work. Her eyes are still puffy from her midnight crying and she can only hope none of her coworkers will say something. They'll notice, of course. But if they can just not say anything, that will be great.

She's the first one to arrive in the squad room and she makes herself some tea before switching her computer on. There are a few files on her desk and she opens the first one. It's a case that is going to trial soon and the note inside is from Casey, who is asking her to fill out a questionnaire about a few details she will need in court. She sighs and takes out the rest of the papers in the folder to reacquaint herself with the details.

Cragen comes in about fifteen minutes later. He looks at her for a moment but then retreats into his office. It seems that Fin and Munch are already out in the field and it isn't until her second cup of tea that her partner finally arrives.

Olivia looks up from her file briefly and mumbles good morning.

"Hi," Elliot says.

When he doesn't say anything else, she looks up at him again. He is checking the files on his desk. She knows she should be relieved that he isn't trying to talk to her but in fact, she feels slightly disappointed. Before she can think of something to say, Elliot gets up to make himself some coffee and by the time he comes back to his desk, Cragen sends him off with an assignment. Olivia sighs again. This is going to be a long day.

…

In fact, it turns out to be three long days. Olivia keeps leaving for work early and somehow, Elliot comes home late a few nights in a row. Olivia knows it's her choice not to wait up for him. She leaves food for him a few times and he eats it, but they barely talk because she is usually in her room by the time he comes home. He has tried to talk to her twice at work, but she has been able to brush him off, telling him she doesn't want to talk on the job. On Thursday morning, when she comes out of her room early again, Elliot is waiting for her in the living room. Olivia knows he has gotten up early specifically to talk to her but she isn't sure if she has managed to pull all her walls back up yet. She misses him desperately but she can't bring herself to open up again, because she needs to protect her baby at all costs.

"Hey. Sleep well?" Elliot asks her neutrally.

She nods, passing him to go to the kitchen. Actually she isn't sleeping well at all, but she won't admit that to him. She stops abruptly when Elliot stands up and grabs her hand.

"Liv. We will have to talk at some point."

The feeling of his fingers on her skin make her heart beat faster and she bites her lip. She can't look at him or she may crumble.

"It's alright El," she tells him. "I understand."

"I don't think you do," Elliot counters immediately and she finally looks at him.

It shocks her how tired he looks and she swallows hard.

"El, I'm sorry but my son will have to come first. Maybe … maybe we rushed things. Maybe …"

She is cut off by Elliot's cold laugh.

" _Rushed_ things. That's rich."

She pulls her hand out of his grasp and walks away from him to the kitchen, knowing he will follow her anyway but she needs something to do. She checks the fridge and jumps a little when she hears Elliot's voice behind her.

"I want to go out for some extra groceries this afternoon before the kids get here tomorrow. Anything I need to pick up for you?"

She looks in the fridge again and tries to focus on its contents. His kids are coming over tomorrow. How are they going to do this? Well, at least now they won't have to worry whether or not they should hide their involvement.

"Uh, just the usual for the weekend," she settles on, unable to come up with a list of groceries off the top of her head. "Some extra fruits maybe. Or don't they eat fruits?"

Elliot scoffs.

"Of course they eat fruits. Kathy raised them, remember?"

The air between them seems to freeze and Olivia forces herself to close the fridge slowly after grabbing some juice. She pours herself a glass and leaves the container on the counter for Elliot.

"That all you're gonna eat?" Elliot questions and Olivia whips around to face him.

"Get off my case, Stabler," she spits at him before walking off with her glass in hand.

When she steals a glance over her shoulder, she can see Elliot mimicking an exaggerated sorry, with hand gestures and all, and she huffs before disappearing into her room.

This is not going well. Elliot has always been able to push her buttons but things had been so different over the past few months. They had been getting along better than ever. She wonders now if that is maybe because he expects less of her these days. Her focus needs to be on her child, after all. That's what he had said. She's a human incubator now, nothing more. Someone to look after, not someone to count on. Olivia shakes her head. She'll show him. She's still the same person. Probably stronger than before, because she has this huge new responsibility.

She has an appointment at the hospital later today but she hasn't reminded Elliot. She wants to go in alone this time. That is how it's going to be after all so she'd better get used to it.

When she comes back out of her room dressed for the day, Elliot is still there. There are two plain pancakes on a plate on the dinner table and she can hear Elliot brushing his teeth in the bathroom. She sits down and eyes the pancakes he's heated up. She _is_ hungry and they're clearly for her. He's placed her favorite jam next to the plate, as well as the syrup.

Elliot doesn't react visibly when he sees her swallow her last bite when he emerges from the bathroom, but she knows he will count it as a win. She'll let him have this one.

"Your turn. I'll wait for you," he tells her, gesturing at the bathroom. She has no choice but to agree that they are driving to work together this morning.

…

Camilla Simmons doesn't comment when Olivia comes in alone for her checkup. Everything is going fine with the pregnancy and Olivia asks the Doctor how big her child is now, at 28 weeks.

"He's about the size of a large eggplant now," the Doctor replies and Olivia chuckles.

"I can't very well call him eggplant boy, can I?" Olivia clarifies. "We've been calling him tater boy until now but he's getting to be one huge potato."

Doctor Simmons smiles.

"Well, eggplant boy does have an odd ring to it. Your son is actually going to be a big boy and in two to three weeks time, he will be about the size of a small soccer ball. How's that?"

"Soccer boy? I like it," Olivia says with a wide smile. "It suits him. He's already kicking up a storm."

"Have you thought of names yet?" the Doctor inquires.

Olivia nods.

"I like Timothy but lately I've been thinking of Thomas too. But I don't want people to start calling him Timmy or Tommy."

"Well, if he's going to be a soccer boy, maybe you can look at names of famous soccer players," Doctor Simmons suggests.

Olivia appreciates the suggestion but she misses Elliot right now. It would be so much fun to go over names of soccer players with him. She is starting to regret keeping this appointment from him.

...

"I think I have everything. The girls will sleep in the bunk bed and if Dickie doesn't want to sleep on the air mattress on the floor, he can sleep with me in my room," Elliot says that evening, exiting the kids' room.

Olivia can tell that he's nervous about his children visiting for the first time. She can imagine that it's especially stressful because of Dickie's attitude. Like his mother, he still seems convinced that his father is the one who knocked Olivia up.

She hasn't avoided Elliot today but they haven't seen each other a lot either. Right now she's sitting sideways on the couch, putting her feet up after a long day.

"You know, if the twins want the bunk bed, Kathleen can stay with me," she offers.

She thinks it can't hurt to build a better rapport with Elliot's middle daughter. Elliot has been in touch with the girls but Olivia hasn't spoken with them since his birthday.

Elliot sits down on the armrest of the couch and looks at her.

"That's nice of you to offer, Liv."

She can feel her face get warmer under his friendly gaze. Somehow, she feels like she doesn't deserve his kindness. She keeps telling herself she's doing the right thing for her child, but that doesn't mean it feels right all the time keep Elliot at arm's length.

"Well, we're helping each other out, aren't we? That's what this was all about."

Elliot stares at her, unblinking, and she knows why. Yes, they're helping each other out, but that's not all they are about. Or _were_ about.

"Can we talk about it now?" Elliot asks.

Olivia puts a hand on her belly automatically and she sees that Elliot registers it. They look at each other and she feels like there is nothing to talk about. She is putting the needs of her child over her own - and Elliot's - and Elliot knows it. She hadn't thought that she would have to choose but she's drawing a line.

"I've been thinking of names for soccer boy again."

"Soccer boy? Where did that come from?"

Olivia looks down at her belly, wondering if she should tell him about her appointment earlier in the afternoon. She had snuck out of work for an hour and Elliot hadn't noticed since he'd been out.

"Well, he's not exactly a potato anymore," she says casually. "I think he's more like a soccer ball these days, so …"

"Alright. I was gonna teach him to play soccer, remember?"

Olivia swallows hard and doesn't look at Elliot. She remembers. He'd been talking to her son, telling him that he would teach him how to play one day. It had been such a beautiful, perfect picture.

"I still want that, Liv."

She nods. She believes him. She really does. But that gnawing feeling won't go away, that feeling that her son will never really be Elliot's. He can never love him as much as she can. He can never love him as much as he loves his real children.

"You can still be an uncle," she says, hoping it will lift some of the tension that's hanging between them, but she sees instantly in his eyes that he's hurt. But why? Why would it hurt him to be an uncle to her son? She watches several emotions play out on Elliot's face but he doesn't say anything. It looks like he's struggling with the whole thing himself. Finally, he stands up and tells her without looking at her,

"I'm going to turn in and get some sleep."

His kids are coming tomorrow. Of course he'll want to get some rest beforehand.

"Okay," Olivia says simply but Elliot is already walking away.

She sighs. Are things going to be like this from now on?

...

 **PS. Olivia's thoughts about her son being different are confused thoughts of a confused and insecure woman and don't reflect the views of the author of this story. Her fears will be addressed later on. Remember, his kids aren't hers either and appearances are unimportant in matters of the heart. Just thought I'd mention that before you start responding … ;)  
Next up, the Stabler kids.**


	38. I'll be fine

**Shoutout to All Caps: we're good ;) My Twitter handle is in my bio. See you there?**

...

 **38\. I'll be fine**

Olivia can feel that Elliot is trying to get closer to her again but for now, she feels safer behind the wall she's pulled up around herself and her unborn child. She will need all of her energy to get through the weekend with his kids, and will focus on them, not their father or her own emotions for now. She does miss their closeness and intimacy but the children should always come first, like she is putting her own child first. Elliot will be off duty early today because of the kids and she's told him to get them settled in and not wait for her.

"I want to take them out for hamburgers. I was hoping you'd join us," Elliot tells her but Olivia waves him off.

"I'll be fine. There's enough food in the apartment to last me a whole week. You just have fun with the kids and I'll see all of you when you get back."

And that's the end of the conversation. She's made it very clear to Elliot that she's not coming and it's not up for debate. She can tell that Elliot isn't okay with how things are between them now, but that's all his own doing. He can't blame her for putting her child first. It's what he would do too, after all.

It's almost 6 PM when Olivia gets home and like she had expected, Elliot and the kids are out. She checks their room and sees several overnight bags tossed in a corner next to the bunk bed. She counts at least four bags and she wonders which one of the kids has brought two bags. Must be one of the girls, she thinks with a smile. It looks like Dickie will be sleeping on the air mattress after all. There's a Captain America sleeping bag already rolled out on the mattress. She wonders if the ten-year old is coming around yet. She will probably find out soon enough.

Olivia makes a salad and heats up some soup. After dinner she can't resist two chocolate bars that she finds in a cupboard, after which she's incredibly thirsty. She has just started on her second water bottle when she hears keys in the door. The Stablers are here.

Elliot shushes the kids as they file into the apartment, and the twins both stop the instant they spot Olivia standing next to the couch. Kathleen, who hadn't paid attention, bumps into her brother and Dickie punches her with his elbow. They start to bicker until Elliot raises his voice and orders them to greet Olivia.

Lizzie approaches her father's partner first and smiles hesitantly at Olivia.

"Hello Olivia," she says softly.

Olivia tries for her kindest smile when she greets Elliot's youngest daughter.

"Hello Elizabeth, it's so nice to see you again."

Lizzie bites her lip and nods, and then she spots her framed drawing, that Elliot has put up on the wall above the TV, along with the picture of his three daughters and a separate picture of him and Dickie that he'd found in the small stack of pictures he had of his family.

"Oh wow. I hadn't seen that earlier," she says and her blue eyes sparkle. "Thank you Olivia, for letting my dad have my drawing up there."

"You don't have to thank me for anything, Elizabeth. This is your dad's place as much as mine," Olivia tells her.

"Actually, Olivia is the one who had that framed for me," Elliot tells his daughter proudly and Olivia glances at him.

He is doing his best to make his kids like her. Lizzie passes Olivia to take a closer look at the pictures, and Kathleen steps forward to greet Olivia. They give each other a friendly hug and Kathleen asks how things are going with the baby.

"Everything is going well, Kathleen. I just had another checkup and the baby's right on schedule."

"That's great. I bet you can't wait to meet him or her."

"That's true. Everything's ready but we just have to wait for the baby to be ready, too."

"Can I?" Kathleen asks, eyeing her belly, and Olivia smiles.

"Of course."

She takes the teen's hand and guides it to the place where she had last felt soccer boy kick.

"I think he's sleeping now," she tells Kathleen.

Kathleen moves a little closer to Olivia and whispers to her as if they're sharing a secret,

"Do you think it's a boy?"

Olivia leans down as well and whispers back,

"I think so. But don't tell anyone, okay?"

Kathleen nods happily and when she doesn't feel the baby kick right away, she retracts her hand.

"I'm gonna make my bed and put my makeup in the bathroom," she announces before skipping off.

"Makeup?" Elliot asks, sounding shocked.

"Yeah, she puts that goo on her face and then she thinks she looks older," Dickie comments.

Kathleen just sticks her tongue out at her brother before disappearing into the kids' room.

"That's enough Dickie. Go on, say hi to Olivia," Elliot urges his son.

"Hi," Dickie says, barely glancing at Olivia.

"Dickie!" Elliot scolds, pushing him forward.

Dickie rolls his eyes, heaves a very exaggerated sigh and then says monotonously,

"Hello Olivia. How are you today."

Olivia looks at Elliot and then back at the boy. She isn't going to be treated like this by a child. She doesn't even feel like trying with this one. Then Elliot steps in again, turning his son by his shoulders until he's facing him. He leans forward until his face is close to Dickie's face and tells him sternly,

"Dickie, if you wanna be here, in my and Olivia's home, you are going to have to behave. I won't tolerate this from you!"

"Who says I wanna be here!" the boy fires back.

Elliot squeezes his son's shoulders a little harder and he tries to fight him off.

"Stop that!" Elliot hisses. "You should be grateful Olivia will even let you come over after the things you've said about her."

Lizzie has come back over and looks at her twin brother with wide eyes.

"Come on Dickie. What has she ever done to you?" she asks him.

Dickie finally manages to break free from Elliot and is now in his sister's face.

"What has she ever done to me? Are you serious?" he yells at her. "She stole our dad away! She made mom cry! Our whole family is broken up because she just had to have dad and he couldn't keep it in his pants!"

"That's enough!" Elliot barks loudly, grabbing his son's arm and yanking him towards him. "You are apologizing to Olivia right now!"

"Or else?" Dickie challenges and Elliot is almost seeing red now. "You're gonna send me back home to mom? Good."

Olivia takes a deep breath and tries very hard not to let Dickie's words get to her. He's just a child and he is wrong about her and Elliot. She knows this, but it's still not easy to see the child so upset. His world has been turned upside down, and whoever is responsible, it's not him. Maybe it would be easier for Elliot to reconnect with his son if she wasn't there. Her body is starting to react to the stress and she wonders if she's currently feeling one of those Braxton Hicks things. Her belly feels very hard and she sits on the armrest of the couch for a moment. Elliot is still struggling with his son, who has no intention at all of apologizing to her and Olivia tries to breathe through the discomfort her belly is giving her. When the feeling subsides, she stands up and walks out of the living room to her bedroom without a word. The others probably don't even notice that she's gone and she sits on her bed, biting her lip while listening to the angry voices coming from the living room and then a door slamming shut.

She can't help wondering if this is how things are going to be, and if she will want her son to be subjected to these kinds of arguments. Hopefully, things will be better by then but right now, all she can think is that she wants to leave. Dickie may not want to be here, but she doesn't either.

There is a soft knock on her door and she knows who it is. Elliot has finally noticed that she isn't in the living room anymore.

"Come in," she says and the door opens a few inches.

"Liv? I'm really sorry about Dickie …"

"He's a kid, El. I get it. He's upset about the divorce."

The door opens a little wider and Elliot slips inside, closing the door behind him.

"That's no excuse for his behavior. He still won't apologize to you but I can't send him away because that's exactly what he wants."

Olivia purses her lips and shakes her head. She has come to a decision.

"You can't send him away. He's your son. I'm going to call Alex and ask her if she can put me up for the weekend. It'll be easier for you without me here."

"No no no," Elliot says, quickly moving closer.

He drops to his knees in front of her and takes her hands in his tentatively.

"No Liv. This is your home. I won't have him chase you away."

Olivia knows how stubborn Elliot can be so she decides to cheat a little. It isn't a complete lie, she reasons when she tells him,

"My body isn't coping well with all this stress, El. I have to think about me first now, and my baby. You just bond with your kids this first time. I'll be fine."

"What do you mean, your body isn't coping well with the stress?"

He is immediately worried and she feels a lump forming in her throat. Even if she's keeping him at arm's length now, he's still her best friend and his concern for her is always heartwarming. But he needs to spend time with his children and she won't get in the way of that.

"I just feel on edge," she says, not wanting to tell him about the Braxton Hicks. "I'm calling Alex."

She pulls her hands out of his and grabs her phone off the nightstand.

"Liv," Elliot protests but even he knows it's no use once she's made up her mind.

She quickly finds Cabot in her contacts and hits the call button before looking at Elliot again. His hands are resting lightly on her thighs and she tries to ignore the tingling of her skin underneath his touch.

Alex picks up after the third ring.

"Hey, it's me, Olivia. Listen, are you busy this weekend?"

"Ehm, no, I'm not. Did you want to meet up?" Alex asks.

"Well … I was wondering if I could stay with you for a few days. Until Sunday night."

"What happened Liv?" Alex asked, immediately concerned. "Are you and Elliot fighting?"

"I'll fill you in when I get there, alright?"

"Yes. Absolutely. You're always welcome here."

"Thanks Alex."

She ends the call and looks at Elliot, who is still on his knees in front of her.

"Don't do this Liv," he pleads but she shakes her head.

"I'm doing this for myself El. Just … let me up and I'll pack a bag. You just make sure your kids have a good time."

Ten minutes later, she has her bag packed and is putting her coat on. The twins are in their room and Kathleen is in the bathroom arranging her things. Elliot stands close to her and asks her softly,

"Why didn't you tell me about your checkup with Dr. Simmons, Liv?"

He seems hurt and Olivia can't look at him. She shouldn't have mentioned her checkup to Kathleen. She busies herself arranging her scarf.

"Please don't shut me out, Liv. I never meant to ..."

Just then, Kathleen comes out of the bathroom and her mouth drops open when she sees that Olivia is getting ready to leave.

"Where are you going?" she asks her.

"I'm going to give all of you some space to spend time with your dad," Olivia tells the fourteen-year old honestly.

"What?" Kathleen exclaims, and then she runs over to the kids' room. "I'm gonna kill that little prick!"

"Kathleen!"

Elliot runs after his daughter to prevent another escalation with Dickie and Olivia takes the opportunity to slip out of the apartment quietly. Once the door closes behind her, she takes a deep breath and breathes out slowly. Part of her hates to leave like this but a bigger part of her has decided that she is allowed to be selfish this time. She doesn't want to cause additional problems for Elliot with his son, but above all, she can't cope with Dickie right now. Must be the pregnancy. It's messing with her ability to disconnect her own feelings from the situation. Even Elliot's question about her checkup has her almost in tears and she swallows a sob when she walks away to spend the weekend at Alex's instead of home with Elliot.

...


	39. Talk to him

**Dear readers, we've been having beautiful weather here in Europe so my life has basically been moved outside into the garden and away from the computer for almost two weeks. This is why it's taken me so long to update. Also, this chapter was a challenge in itself so I hope it will make sense. It took me quite a while to decide on what to put in and what to leave out. Let me know if you feel I missed something.**

...

 **39\. Talk to him**

Olivia is seated comfortably on the plush white sofa in Alexandra Cabot's spacious penthouse. But for now, the luxury of her surroundings and the beautiful view of the city are lost on her. She rubs her eyes with the forefinger and thumb of her left hand and keeps them closed for a few seconds before looking at her friend and confidant again. Alex has just asked her another question. She's trying to understand and Olivia doesn't blame her, but her questions are very confronting. Olivia has explained to her why she had to leave the house. Because of Dickie's behavior. Alex understands but she is concerned about her hard belly. Olivia assures her that the feeling is completely gone now. It hasn't happened again.

Alex asks her about things at work and Olivia tells her it's not always easy to stay inside but her baby is worth it. Cragen and their co-workers know about their living arrangement and their reasons behind it, and are supportive of both her and Elliot. Now, Alex's questions move to Elliot, and Olivia has to confess that she and Elliot have indeed been getting closer since his divorce. She feels a little awkward talking about her sex life with Alex, or anyone else for that matter, but she does need to talk to someone.

"This is all under attorney-client privilege," she tells Alex with a small smile and Alex swears she won't talk about it with anyone.

"You have my word as a lawyer and a friend," the blonde declares.

"Alright. So … yes, there has been a … development between me and El."

"A development."

Alex is clearly amused at her choice of words but manages to suppress a smile for now. Olivia sighs.

"Yeah. Okay. We've been … kissing and stuff."

The veiled smile breaks into a smirk and Alex shakes her head.

"Kissing and stuff? Seriously Olivia?"

"Yeah, I know. That sounds pretty highschool, doesn't it?"

She smiles now too and some of the tension leaves her body. She's glad she decided to come here. She has to think about herself first for a change, and while she can't help but worry about how Elliot is coping, he's a grown man and he's been able to handle his kids just fine without her in the past.

"It does," Alex confirms. "So elaborate. Kissing and stuff. What kind of kissing and what stuff?"

Olivia chuckles despite herself. She's a sex crimes Detective. She should be able to talk about these things without embarrassment. But it's different when it's about her. About her and Elliot. She's always been protective of them as partners, and whatever has changed between them, that part hasn't. She clears her throat and decides to just throw it out there and see what Alex comes back with.

"Well, it was pretty intense for a while. My hormones are in overdrive right now and Elliot didn't mind helping me out a bit."

"Helping you out …"

"No sex, just … with his hands."

"You know that constitutes sex as well, but I'll let you have that one. And now it's more than that?"

Alex still doesn't have any idea how things are between her and Elliot now, so she will need to be explicit.

"No, it's not actually."

Alex raises an eyebrow and Olivia forges ahead.

"We were … getting to that point but then … Elliot said something that made me rethink the whole thing."

"What did he say?"

"He said he wouldn't make love to me while I was pregnant. It was clearly implied that he meant, pregnant with another man's child."

"Oh."

Alex needs a moment to digest this new information. Then she asks,

"How was that implied?"

"He stopped short of actually saying it. I could sense it so clearly and he didn't deny it when I confronted him."

"Did you talk about it? Talk things through?"

Olivia shakes her head.

"No."

"Then what did you do?"

"I just kicked him out of my bedroom."

"And?"

"And what? He left."

"And?"

Olivia blows out a breath.

"And what, Alex?"

"Surely you discussed things with him the next day."

Olivia sucks her bottom lip between her teeth and shakes her head.

"No. We didn't."

Alex just stares at her after that until Olivia has to look away.

"He tried a few times but …"

"You had already made up your mind," Alex finishes for her, and Olivia wonders when Alex got to know her so well.

"Well … I have to think of my son first, Alex. He'll never be Elliot's, no matter how badly we might want him to be. He'll always be different."

"And you only realized this the moment you were about to have sex with your partner at last? That doesn't make sense, Olivia."

" _He_ said it, Alex!" Olivia huffs, and she sits up straight, feeling a strong need to defend herself. "I guess I never really thought about it like that until then. He was all about being there for me and my baby and I fell for that vision of a future with him. But then he turned me down because I'm pregnant with someone else's child. That's a huge red flag right there, isn't it?"

Alex pulls her shoulders up and then drops them with a sigh.

"I don't know Olivia. You should really talk to him about it. Find out what's really bothering him about having sex with you now. He doesn't strike me as someone who would let a child feel unaccepted or unloved. Not at all. You've seen him with dozens of kids over the years, none of which were his blood. He cares deeply about _all_ children."

Olivia nods and sits back against the soft cushions of the white sofa again. Alex is right about that. Elliot would never let a child feel like they didn't belong. And most definitely not _her_ child. Then why won't he have sex with her while she's pregnant? If he simply won't have sex with any pregnant woman, he could have just said so. She would have tried to understand. She might have tried to seduce him anyway, but it wouldn't have been such a gigantic hurdle for her emotionally. But he had clearly started to say that he wouldn't make love to her while she was pregnant with … and he hadn't denied that the rest of that sentence would have been 'someone else's child'.

"I can't believe you haven't given him an opportunity to explain himself," Alex muses, almost more to herself than to Olivia.

Olivia wonders now why she hasn't let Elliot finish one sentence about the whole thing since it happened. She had warped into overprotective mode instantly, ignoring her own feelings for Elliot and his obvious feelings for her. He'd been making overtures for weeks and had no objection whatsoever to touch her and give her physical pleasure. Her chest constricts a little thinking about those moments of intimacy, and other parts of her body respond as well. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before trying to formulate something resembling a logical response to Alex's remark. When she looks at her friend again, she can see Alex studying her.

"What?" she asks the blonde, having already forgotten what she was trying to respond to.

"I know your tendency to run away runs deep, Olivia. But if anyone is worth the effort, wouldn't you say it's Elliot?"

Olivia feels incredibly exposed at her friend's words. This must be what it means when people say the truth hurts. If anyone is worth any effort, it's most definitely Elliot. She knows she won't easily lose him as a friend but life will be so hard for them, now that he is no longer married to Kathy, knowing that there is more between them than just friendship. Just thinking about his touch can make her tremble these days. She still blames her hormones for that but only partly …

"Yeah. You're right about that, but …"

Something else pops into her head.

"But what?" Alex asks, almost as if to say, what else have you come up with now?

"If it isn't about the baby, could it be that he's disgusted with me? For … for having casual sex like that and getting pregnant from someone I don't love?"

He's never given her that impression at all and he clearly loves to touch her, but she's desperately trying to understand his thinking.

"Or maybe … just the thought of someone else's … you know. Inside me?"

She can't believe she has trouble saying it out loud, and she's supposed to be a sex crimes Detective. She's helped countless rape survivors put into words explicitly what had happened to them against their will and she can't even describe the act of having voluntary sex with Miguel. She's pathetic.

"Penis, you mean," Alex says dryly and despite herself, Olivia chuckles with her.

"Yeah, that."

"Well, I only have one answer to all of that and I've already given it. Talk. To. Him," Alex says, stressing her words with strong hand gestures. "Let him explain in his own words. If you don't like what he comes up with, there will be time enough to bolt like you want to."

"I don't _want_ to bolt!" Olivia huffs.

"Then don't."

…

Olivia is lying in bed in Alex's guest room but she's wide awake. She and Alex had discussed the situation with Dickie some more, and she is going to try and accept the boy's suspicious attitude for now. He's only ten and clearly very heavily influenced by his mother. Maybe it's for the best that she and Elliot aren't as close as they were before at the moment, for Dickie's benefit. But the kid isn't what is keeping her awake. It's the other things she and Alex talked about.

Olivia recognizes her own tendency to run away when things get too complicated - when people get too close to her - but she hadn't expected to want to run away from Elliot. Not now, anyway. Alex is right. They need to talk so she can stop making up reasons for Elliot's words and instead hear from him what he did and didn't mean. What was it he had said again? She was going to come up with all kinds of things and they would all be wrong. Something like that. She'd heard the words when he'd said them, but apparently, she hadn't let them sink in until now. Elliot knows her well, that's for sure and it's quite an accomplishment on his part that he hasn't forced her to hash things out with him. What if he does think she's fragile now? What if that's the reason he's treating her with kid gloves? She heaves another sigh. This is pointless. They need to talk. But she's not going back home while his kids are there. Not this weekend.

She hears her phone buzz and sees her screen light up the room briefly. She knows who has sent her a text even before checking.

' _Kids are all sleeping (I think). The girls gave Dickie hell for chasing you away. I wish you were here. Call me if you're still awake?'_

He doesn't know she's read the message so she can pretend she's already asleep and simply not respond. She tries that option for exactly fourteen minutes but by then, she's sitting up in bed. Her back is hurting and Alex's spare bed is actually too soft for her. Her phone is next to her on the bed, staring at her in the dark room. She decides on a text first. Maybe Elliot has fallen asleep by now. She doesn't really think he has but a text seems a safe option for now.

' _I'm awake. Don't want to wake Alex. Are you okay?'_

It doesn't take him long to respond and they text back and forth a few times.

' _I'm okay, don't worry about me. Maureen is coming over in the morning. Will you come home too?'_

' _Is Dickie going to behave?'_

' _He had better behave or I'm locking him out on the terrace. He knows I will.'_

That makes Olivia chuckle and she sends him a smiling face. Then she texts him,

' _I will think about coming home. Depends on how well I sleep. My back is killing me.'_

' _I could give you a backrub (wink)'_

' _I don't know. Who knows what that might lead to.'_

' _I have an idea about that.'_

' _So do I …'_

Olivia takes a deep breath and then adds,

' _When I get back, we should talk.'_

...

 **Review?**


	40. Choices

**Alright, just so you know, I've been quite frustrated with myself. I have rewritten this several times. I can only hope I got it right now, and that it was worth the wait.**

...

 **40\. Choices**

Olivia still feels exhausted the next morning. She thinks she slept maybe three hours, four tops, and she wishes she was home so she could crawl back in her own bed. She's up early though and so is Alex, and they have a quiet breakfast together.

"Couldn't sleep?" Alex asks her, and Olivia thinks it's her subtle way of saying she doesn't look so good.

"No."

"Well, at least you're eating. You need to keep up your strength."

"I'm gaining weight daily, Alex. Don't tell me you haven't noticed."

"It looks great on you Benson."

Olivia rolls her eyes. She doesn't quite agree. Her face is getting a lot fuller than she likes it and her waist is expanding rapidly too. She had hoped she'd get a cute, round front belly like she'd seen on young girls like Amaya, but she is just growing in every direction. She feels bloated and she still has more than two months to go.

Breakfast consists of fresh fruit and cinnamon rolls for both of them, as well as milk and orange juice.

"I'd kill for a cup of coffee," Olivia sighs, but she thanks Alex for the lovely breakfast.

She eats more than she had expected and actually accepts an extra roll when Alex offers her the last one from the bag.

"They're from the bakery two blocks down. They make THE best rolls in the city," Alex chatters and Olivia is grateful for the distraction. After breakfast they take their time to get dressed for the day and then they have some tea. They are seated comfortably in front of the window looking out over Manhattan, and finally the heavier topic is back on the table.

"Did you hear from him at all?" Alex asks quietly.

"Yes. We texted last night."

"Are you going home today?"

"I'm not sure yet. I'm just so tired."

"You're free to stay here for as long as you want. You know that, right?"

Olivia smiles at her friend. She appreciates the offer and tries to enjoy these quiet moments.

Alex has some work she needs to do and retreats into her study while Olivia relaxes in the comfortable armchair in front of the window. There are currently four people in her apartment. Five once Maureen arrives, and she doesn't feel up to it. After finishing her tea she closes her eyes. She's so tired. She feels her little soccer boy move around a bit and she smiles without opening her eyes. She puts her hands on her belly and enjoys the moment with her son. Without realizing it, she gradually falls asleep.

…

She ends up sleeping until two, and they enjoy a nice late lunch at Alex's favorite place, which happens to be right across the street from her building.

After lunch, Olivia finally decides to check her phone for any messages. She bites her lip when she sees a missed call and several text messages, all from Elliot. He must be wondering if she's coming home today. She quickly opens the messages.

8 AM: ' _Good morning. Did you sleep well?'_

10.24 AM: ' _Are you coming home today? We're going bowling this afternoon.'_

1.33 PM: ' _Maureen is here. She'd love to see you again. (Me too by the way)'_

Olivia sends a reply that she hopes will be acceptable for him.

' _Had a late lunch with Alex. Hope you're having fun bowling. Text me when you get back?'_

She isn't going bowling with him and the kids. She can't play in her condition anyway and she doesn't feel like just sitting and watching them be a happy family. She'd feel like the fifth wheel and she enjoys the break at Alex's. When Alex tells her she has a little bit of work to finish, Olivia relaxes in the living room in front of the TV. She grabs her phone and sees she has another message from Elliot.

' _We'll be home around six, bringing food. Will you be there?'_

Olivia sighs. She understands that Elliot is eager to have her home and they really do need to talk. But will they be able to with all the kids there? And is Dickie listening to Elliot and behaving now? He's not just mad at her after all, but at his father too. Olivia felt the need to get away the night before so she could relax, but she isn't going to let a child chase her out of her own home. After about ten minutes, she comes to a decision and hits the reply button. Then she types,

' _Bring my favorite food and I'll be there :)'_

...

Olivia arrives home at 5.40 and puts her bag in her room before checking out the rest of the apartment. The kids' room is a mess but it looks like the children had fun and that's what counts. They haven't touched any of the baby's things and even the kitchen looks reasonably clean. She tries to relax on the couch while she waits for the family to arrive but she still jumps a little when she hears their footsteps at the front door. Then, five Stablers file into the apartment, Dickie first carrying the food, followed by his sisters and lastly his father.

"Olivia!" Kathleen shouts happily, running up to her at once. "I'm so glad you're back! We brought extra egg rolls and fruits for you!"

The blonde hugs her and then plops on the couch next to her to start telling her about their day. Lizzie joins them while Maureen just waves at her with a smile. She's staying close to her brother and helps him with unpacking the food and setting the table. Elliot seems to be supervising his son, and Olivia wonders what has transpired between him and Dickie the night before. When Elliot's eyes meet hers, she sees him relax visibly. He is relieved that she's there and she offers him a small smile. It will be a while before they can talk privately and they both know it. Olivia is just glad that she got some extra rest during the day before facing the whole family again.

...

Dinner is loud. There are six of them and it's the maximum their dinner table will hold. There is more than enough food and Elliot makes sure the extra things they brought for Olivia actually end up on her plate. She and Elliot are sitting on opposite sides of the table but he seems to be in control of his little herd quite well. The children talk quietly and when Olivia asks how they are all doing in school, even Dickie answers her. She can tell the boy still isn't completely happy with being there, but Elliot must have gotten through to him at some level. Dickie is tasked with clearing the table and when Olivia looks at Elliot with one eyebrow raised, he just shrugs. Apparently it's part of Dickie's punishment.

They all watch some TV together and around eight, Maureen announces that she's going back to campus to work on an assignment. At eight thirty, Elliot tells the twins to get ready for bed and at nine, Kathleen follows them. They can hear the kids talking and fooling around in their room for a while but Olivia is happy that it's finally becoming quieter again.

Elliot asks her if she wants anything to eat or drink but she shakes her head. Now that they are alone, she suddenly wonders if it was such a good idea to tell him they should talk. She isn't very good at talking and part of her is afraid of what Elliot will say to her.

"You wanna go into one of the bedrooms? For privacy I mean?" Elliot suggests, and Olivia nods, glancing at the door of the kids' room.

"Your place or mine?" Elliot asks and an uncertain smile flashes across his face.

They both stand up and Olivia tells him she'd prefer his room. Maybe it's so she can walk out if she feels the need … Elliot walks behind her, keeping a respectable distance, and closes the door behind them. Olivia sits down on Elliot's bed and looks up at him. Now what, she thinks. They don't really do this and she feels uneasy.

"So," Elliot says, sitting down as well, leaving two feet between them.

He rubs his hands on his jeans-clad thighs and looks at her sideways.

"So," Olivia repeats and they both can't help grinning.

"This is new," Elliot remarks.

"Yeah, it is," Olivia nods. "I need some help here."

"Me too," Elliot admits.

Olivia finally decides to go for a somewhat safe subject and asks him,

"How did you get Dickie back in line?"

Elliot's eyes light up and it's as if he suddenly knows exactly what to tell her. He turns to her and she can see he is suppressing the urge to touch her. He reaches for her but then drops his hand between them on the bed and starts talking.

"Liv, I made it very clear to Dickie that he is not going to spoil the weekend for his sisters, and he is not going to come between you and me. No matter what he thinks we've done, this is _our_ home and he needs to behave. I understand that you needed some time for yourself. I mean, you gotta think of the baby. But Dickie needs to know that there is a line he can't cross. So to make that clear to him, he has to do all the chores here this weekend and he knows that there will be consequences if he disrespects you again or misbehaves in any way. I'll lock him out on the terrace and he knows it. He can sleep there for all I care but he needs to know his place."

Olivia's mouth falls open at Elliot's last remark.

"You'd make him sleep outside? In this cold?"

Elliot shrugs.

"Can't send him back to Kathy because that's what he wants, so I had to think of something."

"But … he's your son. He's your blood."

"So? I should give him a pass just because I'm his father? That's not really how parenting works in my opinion."

"No, but … he'll think you're choosing me over him."

"Yep."

She can't believe Elliot is so laid-back about this.

"But you can't!" she insists.

"Why not? He's the one with the attitude, not you or me. Besides, he's a kid and we're the adults here. He has to know his place."

Olivia is trying to understand what Elliot is saying. She gets that kids need some discipline when they misbehave but for him to choose her side against his own child is something that she hadn't expected somehow. She isn't even sure she wants him to.

"Liv, you gotta understand something."

Elliot's voice is gentle now, almost tender, and when she looks at him, she can see the understanding in his eyes. When he reaches for her again, she meets him halfway and lets him take her hand in his.

"What, El?" she asks him. She really wants to know because she feels a little confused.

"You know what Kathy and I used to tell the kids?"

She's not sure she wants to hear about him and Kathy but she assumes there is a point he is trying to make so she hears him out.

"Whenever the kids tried to play us and get one of us on their side, I'd tell them: I chose your mother. You kids were just thrown at us. I never picked any of you, and I'll never choose any of you over your mother. I'll always choose her. And we agreed that Kathy would say the same about me. We had to draw that line together so they wouldn't come between us. You can see with Dickie what happens when we don't see eye to eye anymore."

Olivia nods slowly while thinking about his words. They make sense so far.

"Liv. I choose you as well."

His words make her chest constrict and she tries to take a deep breath.

"What are you saying?" she says, her voice barely more than a whisper.

He can't choose her over his kids, can he? Elliot squeezes her hand gently.

"I choose you and Dickie will need to accept that."

"But … you can't choose me over your kids, El," Olivia objected. "How could you even think that?"

She knows she will choose her son over everyone else, and he hasn't even been born yet.

"It's not like that," Elliot says and she feels like in these matters he is her teacher and she is his student. She has this innate sense that she will be a good mother but still, parenting is basically uncharted territory for her.

"Then what _is_ it like?" she asks.

"My kids will always be my kids. Nothing in the world is going to change that and I'd give my life for every single one of them, simply because they are my children."

Olivia nods. This part she understands and it's what she's always known about him.

"But I'd do that for you as well, because … because I choose you, Liv. I'm choosing to have you be a part of my life. If you'll still have me," he adds and Olivia swallows hard when he looks away and takes a deep breath.

"I've been wanting to explain this to you ever since I ... "

"You told me you wouldn't have sex with me," Olivia finishes for him.

She can't help still feeling a little bitter about it. Elliot nods slightly and then looks at her again.

"It's not that I don't want to. Don't get me wrong."

That had been pretty obvious to her until the moment he'd stopped her dead in her tracks. Olivia squeezes his hand back and looks down at their joined hands when she asks him,

"Then why won't you?"

She hadn't meant to sound so hurt but it feels like rejection and that stings, always. She had felt like Elliot was rejecting her child as well but she needs to know once and for all what his reasoning is for not wanting to have sex until after she gives birth.

Elliot stands up without letting go of her hand, and kneels in front of her. He takes her other hand as well and holds her hands in her lap. The way he's looking up at her makes her melt a little bit. She never could stay mad at him for long. She loves him too much and that's what has made this all so painful.

"Liv, I'll be the first to admit that I'm just a man and I have my weaknesses. I just feel that … how do I put this? That you should close this chapter of your life first, you know, Miguel's chapter, before starting a new chapter with me. Does that make any sense to you?"

"Maybe," Olivia says, thinking out loud. "But you had no trouble touching me during this 'chapter' of my life. I mean … you were all over me. What was I supposed to think?"

"Like I said, I'm just a man," Elliot says, and one corner of his mouth tugs up a little. "It's hard for me not to touch you. Especially knowing that we're so _right_ for each other."

Olivia hangs her head and looks at their joined hands again, resting in her lap against her big belly. He's used that word several times before. This is right, he says and deep down, she knows that it is. In the end, she can't see herself with anyone else but him.

"I thought you were disgusted with the idea of someone else's child growing inside me," she admits without looking at Elliot.

"I'm not disgusted with you Liv. And I love that little boy already as if he were my own."

"But he's not," she says, closing her eyes for a moment. "He'll always be different."

This is what it's really about. Her child isn't Elliot's blood and he never will be. She can't let her son suffer because he's not really a part of the family.

"That's just it," Elliot says softly, and her eyes snap open again to look at him.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not just choosing _you_ Liv. I'm choosing him as well. He will always be special because unlike my biological kids, who just came about after I chose their mother, I'm choosing this little man beforehand. Him and his mom together. You're right. He will always be different, because he will always be special. He's the only child I am choosing to be a father to when I don't really have to. If you'll let me, that is."

Olivia feels her throat constrict at his words. They are full of love and acceptance and the complete the opposite of what she had expected to hear as well as what she had told herself he was thinking.

"Liv … everyone needs to know their place. Dickie. My girls. They are my children. But your child will have his own place too. A very special place."

Olivia swallows hard and blinks a few times to keep her tears at bay.

"But why?" she asks softly, clinging to his hands now as if they are her life line. "What makes him so special to you?"

"Look at me Liv," Elliot asks her and when she lifts her eyes, she sees that his are wet too.

"He's special because he's yours. He's a part of you so it would be impossible for me not to love him. And in the end, however warped that may be, _he_ is the one who made it possible for me to love you."

Olivia finally drops her defenses and wraps her arms around Elliot's shoulders so she can bury her face in the crook of his neck. His arms close around her and she hears him let out a ragged breath. Relief fills the room when they finally embrace each other again, and Olivia feels like crying. She tries not to but it must be those horrible hormones again that make her lose her composure anyway. Elliot just holds her without saying anything else, giving her time and space her to let his words sink in.

He loves her.

He loves her child.

Her son won't be an outcast.

He's special.

Elliot is choosing him.

He is choosing her.

It's going to be alright.

…

 **A/N: Sigh ...  
There was a little bit of my own parenting thrown in. I hope it all makes sense to you!**


	41. Focus

**To the guest who thinks the kids should always come first … remember they are the kids and don't (shouldn't) decide what happens. Feel free to disagree but it works on my kids! When the relationship falls apart, so do the kids. It's in everyone's best interest when the parents/adults are a united front. I get that this is tricky when the other adult isn't the biological/legal parent but this is they way Elliot gets back in Olivia's good graces so … :)**

...

 **41\. Focus**

Olivia listens to Elliot's heartbeat underneath her ear. They are half-sitting, half-lying on his bed. His left arm is wrapped around her shoulder, hers is draped across his stomach and her head is resting on his chest. She's still processing everything he's told her, but she feels much calmer now.

Elliot has put it all on the line. He is choosing her. That alone makes her heart beat faster when she thinks about it. It's been an impossibility for so long that she still needs to tell herself that he really is free to choose her now. Free to admit how he's felt about her for a long time. She wonders how long it would have taken them to get together if she hadn't gotten pregnant last summer. Elliot assures her it would have happened eventually. It was always going to happen. He and Kathy had been inching closer to a breaking point for a while now and he had just needed to see his marriage through first. He assures her that his feelings for her aren't something new and they aren't caused by the situation they have found themselves in. She believes him. Of course she believes him because it's been the same for her.

"I'm just sorry you had to wait so long. You didn't deserve that," Elliot had said.

He'd kissed her forehead then, adding,

"And I don't deserve you."

When she'd started protesting he had kissed her sweetly and she had relaxed in his arms. And that's how they are still relaxing now. It's quiet in the apartment. The children are probably sleeping by now. Olivia knows she should go to her own room soon but she doesn't want to leave just yet. She's missed this so much, just to be held by him. She thinks she's missed it more than the sexual intimacy because she had felt cold, exposed, missing something vital. Just sharing a place with Elliot isn't enough anymore. Now that she knows what he feels like, what he smells like and even what his moans sound like, she has come to need all those things. She knows they are embarking on a journey that will have ups and downs, both personally and professionally, but she is starting to believe it's going to be alright now. Because Elliot isn't just choosing her, but he's choosing her son as well. He wants to be a father to him, not because he has to but because he wants to. Because soccer boy is hers. He will love him by default and in retrospect, she should never have doubted him. She can't say she fully understands Elliot's reasoning for wanting her to complete this chapter of her life before he will make love to her, but she's trying to accept it. She knows nothing is going to happen tonight because the kids are here, but it would have been too fast anyway. They both need to start feeling comfortable and secure about each other again first. To not just hope or expect but also _experience_ that things will be different from now on.

Elliot rubs the top of her head with his nose and she smiles without looking up. It's those little gestures that make such a big difference between them. She moves her hand from his waist up to his chest and rubs his pec, knowing she's grazing his nipple through his shirt. Elliot hums and she looks up at him. He leans in to kiss her on the lips and she tries to scoot up to deepen the kiss. Elliot breaks it off then and puts his right hand over her left hand on his chest.

"Don't start something you can't finish," he warns her and she knows it isn't easy for him either.

"Okay," she says quietly. "I should go to my own room anyway."

Elliot purses his lips and nods.

"The kids."

"Right."

"You think you'll be alright tomorrow? I mean, I don't _want_ to punish Dickie but I will if I have to," Elliot tells her.

"I'll be alright," Olivia promises him.

As Elliot walks with her to the door of his bedroom, he asks her,

"So are we okay now?"

"Yeah, we're okay," she tells him. "I mean … I understand now that my child will be loved. I'm not saying I'm okay with not having sex with you."

Elliot pulls her into his arms and she looks up at him, wondering what he'll say now. Elliot just lets out a harsh breath and kisses her forehead.

"Just … I have my reasons, okay? Trust me," he says and Olivia knows that's all she's going to get out of him on the subject for now.

She can't help wondering if part of him isn't a little bit put off by the idea of another man impregnating her but as long as he doesn't keep his hands to himself, she assumes it will only be a temporary thing. They share one last kiss before she heads to her own bedroom for the night. She will need to rest because tomorrow will be a long day with the kids.

...

Elizabeth is such a surprise. Olivia hadn't really gotten to know the youngest Stabler girl yet but she is getting to know her now. She isn't as feisty or loud as her twin brother or even Kathleen, but she does have a way with words. The way she puts her brother in his place from time to time makes her seem far too wise for her 10 years. It looks like the two sisters have gotten through to their brother because Elliot barely has to correct any of the kids all day long. Dickie doesn't give Olivia or his father too much attention but it could have been worse. Much worse. Still, Olivia can't deny that she's relieved when Elliot packs the kids into the car around 4 PM on Sunday afternoon. It's been a day filled with board games, watching TV and a brief visit to the local mall, which Olivia had skipped. Elliot will drive the kids back to Queens and will bring dinner, so Olivia can take a nap until he gets back.

She is very surprised when Elliot wakes her up some time later. She can't believe she slept so deeply on the couch and groans when she tries to get up too fast.

"Whoa whoa, easy," Elliot cautions, grasping her shoulders lightly. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"I meant to clean up," Olivia begins but Elliot shakes his head.

"No, you were going to take a nap and you did. _I_ am going to clean up the kids' room after dinner."

Before she can even take a breath to object, she feels Elliot's index finger on her lips.

"Dinner," he repeats and Olivia smiles, then licks his finger quickly before kissing it.

"Hmmm," Elliot hums, kneeling in front of her. "Now you're giving me ideas."

"What kind of ideas?" Olivia asks innocently.

"Well, the kids aren't here so …"

"I thought we were having dinner."

"We will. In a minute."

Before she can try to think of something else to say, Elliot kisses her passionately. There is an urgency in his kiss that tells her he's missed her too much and it's been too long. They're finally alone again and back together, and Lord knows she's missed him too. Missed this. His touch and the permission to touch him. They moan together during their deep kiss, and Olivia feels Elliot's stomach pressing against her baby bump. It's as if they just can't get close enough and she can't help longing for the time when she'll have her figure back. She'll be all over him then. She kisses him slowly, their tongues finding each other time and time again, until they both need to come up for air.

Elliot drops his forehead against hers and grins at her.

"Now we can have dinner."

They spend a quiet evening together, making up for lost time, and once they are both ready to sleep, Elliot doesn't leave Olivia's bed. Their bodies are still humming contently, having both been satisfied for now. Their activities have lulled soccer boy to sleep but once they relax, Elliot spooning Olivia while rubbing her belly lovingly, the little guy wakes up and makes his presence known.

"Still think he kicks like a girl?" Olivia mumbles, already dozing off.

"Absolutely," Elliot responds. "He's a strong as his mother."

That puts a smile on her face and the last thing she says before falling asleep is,

"You're a smartass, Stabler."

…

They fall into a comfortable groove together. Olivia is accepting that she works less hours for now than Elliot, but they stay in touch during the day and manage to eat together a few times a week. It feels strange for Olivia to sleep alone when Elliot pulls an all-nighter on the job and she can't believe how easily she has gotten used to having him sleep in the same bed with her. She has brief moments of panic sometimes, wondering if she isn't getting too attached, but then she reminds herself that she is allowed to get attached this time. They aren't just sharing an apartment anymore. They are actually living together and all that's missing for now is having full-blown sex with each other. Elliot still won't go all the way with her but they are finding very creative ways to keep eachother happy and satisfied, and Olivia isn't complaining.

She knows it's going to happen eventually and as the weeks pass, she finds herself focusing more on the life growing inside her. Maybe Elliot is right. Maybe she needs to focus on completing her pregnancy first and take it from there with him. Baby's room has been ready for weeks. All her checkups have gone well so far, her low blood pressure is manageable, and there is nothing standing in the way of her delivering a healthy baby boy once he's ready to come out.

She passes on the twin's 11th birthday and the pregnancy now gives her the perfect excuse to say no to things that may give her stress. She isn't quite ready to face Kathy again. The blonde has a way of making her feel guilty although she knows there is nothing to feel guilty about. Not this time. Her feelings for the woman's husband may have been inappropriate at the time, but she'd done nothing about them then. It had been Kathy who had pushed Elliot towards her in the end and that was when they had both finally acted on their feelings. Not before.

Olivia finds herself reasoning with herself, trying to convince herself and she knows she shouldn't have to. She prays Elliot will be able to relax, now that he's back at the family home for the first time since the custody hearing. No matter what is going on between him and his ex-wife, the children are all still their children. When she hears his key in the door around 10 PM, she is surprised that he's back already. It's at least a 45 minute drive from Queens back to 10th Avenue, even at night. She walks up to him as he sheds his coat and puts it on their new coat rack by the door.

"Hey. Back so soon?"

Elliot takes a deep breath before turning to face her and the look on his face is very serious.

"What happened?" Olivia gasps, suddenly very worried.

"Kathy … she …"

Elliot shakes his head and Olivia steps close to him so she can take his hands in hers.

"What? What about her?" Olivia insists.

"She's been taking these pills and … she was completely out of it, Liv. I mean, I know she can freak out but I've never seen her like this. It's even worse than when we had Kathleen."

Olivia didn't know what to say but then Elliot continued.

"I was this close to calling our family doctor, Liv."

"Oh my God," Olivia whispers. "Did she overdose on something?"

"I'm not sure but one of her friends approached me and promised me she'd take care of things. The woman is a neighbor and she's looked out for Kathy before. She said that it might be best if I left, to reduce Kathy's stress levels."

Olivia bit her lip and pulled Elliot close to her. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and leaned heavily on her, burying his face in her hair.

"What about the kids?" she wondered out loud, swaying gently with him. "Was the party ruined?"

"I'm not sure how much of it they noticed. I'm so glad they were busy with their friends from school. I talked to Kathleen and she told me Kathy's been taking these pills for a long time. I had no idea …"

"Does Kathleen know what they are? The pills, I mean?"

Elliot stands upright to face her and she can see the sadness and worry in his features.

"Kathy's told her they are anti-depressants but …"

"If she's self-medicating, it could be anything," Olivia finishes for him.

They both know what it means when someone starts self-medicating to numb their pain. It can lead to addiction and dangerous situations, for the person as well as the people around them.

"Do you think the kids are safe with her?" Olivia has to ask but it doesn't feel right to start thinking of Elliot's family as a possible case for the SVU.

"She's a good mother."

This is what Elliot has always maintained and he's sticking by it.

"But if she's a danger to herself …"

"We don't know that," Elliot interrupts her, and she knows he doesn't want to slip into Detective mode either when it comes to his own family.

"So what are you going to do?"

Elliot sighs.

"The neighbor promised to call me later. She says that it was just the stress of the party and that Kathy is pretty normal most of the time."

Olivia knows it's wise not to say anything else. Anything she will come up with, has no doubt crossed his mind already.

"You want a drink?" she asks him and Elliot pulls her close to him again, dropping a kiss on her forehead.

"Please."

...

 **A time jump was long overdue here. It won't be long now until the baby comes! But what's up with Kathy and will she be alright? Please review, thank you :)**


	42. Heavy

**I know it's short but at least it's something ... I'll try to write the next part a bit faster.**

...

 **42\. Heavy**

Two more weeks go by and Olivia wonders if she can get any fatter. She's a little over 34 weeks along now and she feels huge. Her body hurts in strange places and she is just wobbling around the office now. She feels anything but graceful these days.

Elliot tells her she's beautiful and that pregnancy looks amazing on her but she doesn't believe him anymore. She has eyes and a mirror, after all.

It's almost five PM and she's currently waiting for Elliot to come back from Queens. He's been back to the house twice now since the twin's birthday party to try and talk to Kathy but so far, he hasn't gotten anywhere with her. She's been either ice cold or furious with Elliot. Maureen is keeping an eye out and has told them that Kathy is her normal self most of the time, just like the neighbor had said. She's irritable at times, but that's something Elliot had gotten used to years ago.

This time, Elliot and Maureen have gone over to Queens together and Olivia hopes that they can convince Kathy to come with them to see their family doctor. She's been wondering what will happen if Kathy can't look after the kids anymore. She has to admit, she's been looking forward to hiding away with her baby for a while after he's born, and she doesn't know how she'd cope if the kids suddenly had to move in with their father. Aside from Dickie's strained behavior, Olivia also isn't used to having so many people around her. And frankly, she doesn't know if she would want to, which makes her wonder if she is being unreasonable. Elliot is accepting her child because he's hers. Shouldn't she be able to accept his for the same reason?

Olivia sighs and rubs her enormous belly lovingly while staring straight ahead. Of course she accepts Elliot's kids. She's always loved them because they're a part of Elliot and because they're wonderful young people. But loving them and having them in her home 24/7 isn't exactly the same thing, is it?

John Munch pops up in her line of sight when he sits down opposite her at Elliot's desk.

"How are you holding up, mommy?" John asks her kindly.

"Honestly? It's getting heavy," Olivia answers.

"Don't you have some vacation days left? I'm sure you could go on leave a little early if you wanted to."

As tempting as that sounds, Olivia is worried she will be bored out of her mind at home. John counters that she can't very well continue working until her water breaks.

"I've got six more weeks to go, John."

John eyes her belly and wiggles his head.

"You never know. You could pop early."

"Oh, he's more than welcome to!" Olivia exclaims.

John smiles and there is a comfortable silence between them for a short while. Then he asks her casually,

"How are the living arrangements working out? You've made it more permanent, right?"

Olivia nods.

"Yes. El needed a place so he could have the kids over and I didn't mind moving to a bigger place before I have the baby. We couldn't afford something nice on our own so … we joined forces."

"Has anything else changed, aside from your address?"

John asks his question very calmly without any innuendo but Olivia knows he has some idea about the change that has occurred in her relationship with her partner. And so she just bites her lip and looks at the older man, who gives her an understanding smile.

"Does Cragen know?" John asks.

"I don't think so. He knows about the living arrangements but he hasn't said anything. And I doubt that he will, unless we mess something up on the job."

"Why don't you expect him to say something? As your commanding officer, he has a right to know, doesn't he?"

Olivia blows out a breath slowly and rubs her belly. John doesn't know the details of their little run-in with Cragen when they had first told him she was pregnant.

"Let's just say he knows better than to assume things about us."

Munch peers at her over the rim of his glasses and she can see in his eyes that he understands.

"But all the people assuming things about you and Elliot and your baby … they were wrong about the baby part but not about the other part. Were they?"

"We never did anything …" Olivia starts, suddenly sitting upright, but Munch shushes her right away.

"I know Olivia, I know. You're both too principled for that. But still … we could all see the chemistry between the two of you, so I'm not surprised you're doing something about that now."

Olivia smiles and relaxes. She knows John wasn't attacking her and he won't tell anyone else about this conversation. And even if he tells Fin, the information will still be safe. She trusts her coworkers and she realizes, not for the first time, that her trust issues are becoming less these days. It's her NYPD family that is helping her get over her fear of betrayal and rejection.

"Well, we're not rushing into anything," she offers and Munch nods, staring at some point in the distance.

"You need to focus on becoming a mother first."

He looks at her again when he asks her,

"Are you sleeping at all?"

"Not as well as I used to but it's enough."

She thinks of the way Elliot lets her use him as kind of a pregnancy pillow. It actually helps to rest her top leg on his legs and it feels good not to sleep alone.

"Alright. Well, I'm calling it a night," John says, standing up and stretching his back. "Are you waiting for Elliot?"

"Yeah. He's over at Kathy's. He said he'd call."

"How is Kathy doing these days?"

"Actually, we're worried about her. El is trying to convince her to go see a doctor."

"Are the kids okay?"

She can tell that her coworker is slipping into Detective mode and she stands up as well, and puts a hand on his arm.

"We have Maureen and a neighbor looking in on her and there is no reason to think the children are at risk. We just … we want to make sure she isn't self-medicating."

John nods and looks at her very seriously then.

"Just don't try to solve things on your own, alright? Report her if you have to."

"We will, John. I promise."

John Munch leaves and Olivia sits back down, holding her belly. She hopes they won't have to report Kathy because it would have such huge consequences. Right now, she wishes she could just crawl in a corner and be alone with her baby.

…

Elliot sends her a text at 5.30 PM, saying that they're all okay but he's going to be a while and he urges her to go home. Olivia decides to take a cab and is just inspecting the contents of the fridge when her phone rings. She snatches it off the counter, hoping it's Elliot calling to tell her he's bringing food. She frowns when she sees the caller ID. She answers the call and says his name a little hesitantly.

"Miguel?"

"Hey Olive."

"Hi. I … how are you? I'm a little surprised you're calling me."

"Yeah well … I was thinking about you and the kid and I thought I'd call to see how things are going."

Something in Miguel's voice tells her that there is more to it than what he's saying but she can't really tell what it is, so she just responds to his remark.

"Things are going well. The baby is growing just fine. I'm just getting really heavy. I don't think you'd recognize me now."

"I could never forget your pretty face," Miguel says, and she can hear his cute smile through the phone.

"I'm fat now, Miguel," she says, grinning as well.

"I'm sure you're still pretty," Miguel assures her.

Again, she thinks there is something he's not saying and this time she asks him about it.

"What's up Miguel? I have a feeling this isn't just a social call."

She hears him chuckle.

"You really _are_ a cop, aren't you," he says.

She remembers how he hadn't believed her at first when she had told him that she was a cop and how they had had fun about it. In the end, he had been sorry she hadn't brought her handcuffs with her on vacation.

"I really am," Olivia says. "Now spill."

"Okay, here's the deal. It's really over for good with Jamie now."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

Olivia wonders again why he is calling her now. It can't be just to tell her he's single again, can it? She's beginning to get a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Yeah. I thought we were doing so well and then I catch her cheating on me with a mutual friend at a pool party."

"You caught her? In the act?" Olivia gasps.

Her heart goes out to him. That has to be so horrible, to actually get that image seared into your brain.

"Yeah. I walked in on them doing it in the bathroom. And she didn't even apologize. She just said, guess what. We're not dating anymore."

"I'm so sorry Miguel," Olivia sighs. "You didn't deserve that. You tried so hard to win her back."

"Yeah well. My cousin Luís is being a real friend and he suggested getting away for a while. So then I thought maybe we could come to New York and see you."

"See me?"

Olivia doesn't really know what to make of it. Why would he suddenly want to come and see her, now that he's officially single again?

"Yeah. I mean, I know you got a new man in your life but you _are_ carrying my baby. The least I can do is stay in touch, right?"

"Right," she says hesitantly, but she can't help feeling a little antsy about it. "So … when would you be coming out here?"

"Well, Luís is talking to his boss about taking some time off. We're hoping to fly out there in two weeks and we'd be staying for about ten days I think. I'd like to see you then if that's okay with you."

"Yes … yes, of course that's okay," Olivia blurts out.

What else can she say? It would be weird to say she doesn't want to see him when she's made it a point not to keep the baby a secret from his biological father and vice versa.

"I don't wanna get in your way, Olive. Luís just thinks it will be good for me to look at the good things in life to get over Jamie, and I think he's right. Besides, I've never been to the Big Apple. I'd like to see it."

Olivia bites her lip and rubs her belly. Soccer boy most definitely is one of the good things in life to her. Will Miguel want to be a part of his life after all? She tries to keep breathing evenly but she can feel a slight panic creep up her spine.

"Olive?"

Miguel's voice forces her to stay in the present and she quickly tells him,

"Just … let me know when you're in town. We can set something up."

"Will do. Are you sure you're okay?"

He must be picking up on her restlessness, not realizing that he is the cause of it.

"Yeah. Everything is fine. I'm just … tired," she settles on.

Miguel tells her he'll be in touch and ends the call. Olivia is still standing in the kitchen, staring at the screen of her phone long after he has disconnected.

…

 **To be continued ...**


	43. For better or worse

**Apologies for any medical inaccuracies in this chapter, I am no expert on this! I've tried to use information that I could find online but decided to leave out the exact medication details so I wouldn't say something stupid :)**

...

 **43\. For better or worse**

"Liv? You home?"

Olivia hears Elliot call out to her and all but rolls out of bed. She had completely lost her appetite after the phone call from Miguel and had decided to lay down for a while to allow her thoughts to settle. She had been concerned about Elliot's visit to Kathy but thoughts of Miguel coming to visit New York, and her, had been more prominent for a while.

"Coming," Olivia huffs as she makes her way to the door of her bedroom.

When she opens it, Elliot is already standing outside her room.

"Were you sleeping?" he asks, and the surprise is evident in his voice.

"More like tossing and turning," she admits.

"I thought you'd want to know what happened in Queens," Elliot says, looking her over attentively. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Olivia says quickly but Elliot can see straight through her token reply.

"No, you're not. What's wrong?"

Olivia shakes her head. She doesn't want to dump her own worries on Elliot straight away. He must be eager to tell her how things went with Kathy.

"You first," she tells him, walking past him into the living room. "Tell me what happened that you're home so late."

She sits down gingerly on the couch and once she's sitting with a pillow behind her back, she pats the space next to her. Elliot is still studying her but he sits down next to her as requested.

"Is soccer boy alright?" he tries again, clearly still wondering what is up with her.

"He's fine. We're both fine," Olivia insists. "Now tell me what happened with Kathy."

Elliot finally gives in and tells her how his visit with his ex-wife went. Maureen had convinced her to show them the medication she'd been using, as prescribed by their family doctor, but after some prodding, Kathy had admitted to using 'a little extra' to take the edge off of super stressful days.

"Did she tell you what she's using?" Olivia asks.

Elliot nods.

"Yeah. She says the normal antidepressants the Doctor prescribed are making her restless. She was having bouts of anxiety and even paranoia at times. I gotta say, I remember that from her postpartum depression after Kathleen," Elliot adds sadly. "To combat the anxiety, she thought it would be helpful to start using uppers to improve her mood and give her more energy."

"Oh no," Olivia sighed.

Kathy clearly hadn't done enough research on the interaction of the drugs with each other, going by the upbeat name of 'uppers' alone.

"What did she get?"

"Adderall. And because she still feels anxious, she's recently started treating herself to some meth on the weekends. A 'friend' of a friend is her supplier."

Olivia puts a hand over her mouth. Combining regular antidepressants with Adderall can't be good. And methamphetamine is highly addictive.

"She got the Adderall without a prescription but she figured since doctors prescribe it, it would be safe," Elliot scoffs.

Olivia knows he's more worried about Kathy than he's angry with her but it has to be frustrating for him. When he still lived at home, at least he could see for himself how things were going with Kathy. And knowing she takes meth on weekends must have him so worried about the children.

"Kathy knows she has a problem but she thinks she's handling it," Elliot says, and it's clear that he thinks she isn't handling it at all. "Maureen says she'll be spending more time at home on weekends, but I can't put it all on her," Elliot sighs, bowing his head and shaking it lightly.

Olivia rubs his back gently, unsure of what to say. She wonders if Elliot will want to move back to Queens to keep an eye on things and bites her lip. She still hasn't told him her own news and feels tears pricking her eyes unexpectedly. She needs Elliot with her and realizes once more that his family will always have a big part of him. Maybe a bigger part than she had bargained for.

"Are you going back?" she asks him softly, sounding more afraid than she wants to.

Elliot sits up and turns to face her. He is suddenly focused on her and she feels goosebumps erupt on her arms and chest. She hadn't realized how much she needs him with her these days until now.

"Are you asking me if I'm leaving you?" he asks incredulously.

"I … I meant for awhile," she says quickly. "To keep an eye on Kathy."

"I can't go back there Liv. I'm pretty sure I'm a huge cause of Kathy's depression in the first place. Or at least that's what she thinks."

"But you just said … you can't put it all on Maureen."

She hates how insecure she sounds but frankly, she's afraid of where things seem to be headed with Elliot's family. On top of that, she still hasn't told Elliot her own news about Miguel.

"First, Maureen is taking Kathy back to our family doctor for a good talk. She needs therapy, Liv. Not a babysitter."

Olivia nods, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. She still feels like crying. Elliot watches her for a moment and then drops the bomb she had been waiting for.

"But maybe the kids will needs to spend some more time with us while Kathy straightens herself out."

Olivia sits perfectly still while absorbing what Elliot has just told her. She is due to give birth in six weeks and finds herself needing the quiet of her own home, her baby's room and the prospect of spending some alone time with her son once he's born. She wants that pink cloud everyone is on about, even though she knows it's being romanticized and it will most likely be about getting too little sleep day and night for a while. Still, she was looking forward to cocooning with her baby for a while and get to know him quietly; not having a house full of people.

"Would that be okay with you?" Elliot asks, and she knows he can see through her stoic exterior too well.

"El … they're your kids," she says.

She has no right to deny them. It's Elliot's home too, after all.

Elliot reaches for her belly and puts his hand on it. He stares at his hand while he tells her,

"I know it's not what you had in mind when you got pregnant. I know you don't need an instant family of pre-teens running around the house. And I'll do whatever I can to make sure you keep your own space. I promise."

Those pesky tears find their way to the surface now and Olivia takes a shaky breath. Elliot really does know her and while she doesn't want to be a further burden to him, it definitely is a relief.

"C'mere," Elliot says and before she knows it, his arms are wrapped around her and her face is pressed against his broad chest.

Olivia sniffles and wraps her arms around him too, as well as she can with her belly in the way. Elliot holds her and when he whispers softly in her ear, " _I need you too,"_ she knows it's for his own comfort as well as hers. She trembles, knowing that she is only going to add to his concerns when she tells him about Miguel's call.

"Hey hey, it's going to be alright Liv," Elliot says softly, and he kisses her temple.

Olivia tries to nod but her head is trapped between his chest and his jaw, so she just hums.

"We'll figure it out honey," he whispers. "You and soccer boy mean the world to me too."

Olivia takes a few deep breaths, knowing she will have to tell him her own news soon. She's concerned about Kathy, but Miguel coming to see her has her worried about very different things.

"El … I have to tell you something too."

Elliot loosens his hold on her a little but he doesn't release her.

"I knew something was up with you," he says, almost annoyed. "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"You needed to get your story out."

"Well, now it's your turn, Liv. You have to know you can tell me anything."

Olivia nods and moves away from Elliot a little so she can rub her belly. Soccer boy is waking up and seems to want to change positions. Olivia winces and Elliot is instantly concerned.

"Are you having Braxton hicks again? Are they becoming more frequent?"

"No … well, I don't think so. That's not it."

She looks up at Elliot again.

"Miguel called me earlier."

"Oh."

Elliot's eyebrows shoot up and he tilts his head a bit.

"What did he want?"

"He's coming to New York and he wants to see me."

Elliot blinks a few times while he lets her words sink in. She can see how his concern for his ex-wife is gradually replaced by concern for her. And them.

"Why?" he asks, his voice now raspy and a little insecure.

"He broke up with his girlfriend and his cousin suggested a trip to clear his head."

"Like the last time they broke up," Elliot blurts out and Olivia frowns.

She had been Miguel's distraction then, a way to clear his head, and she doesn't like what Elliot is implying.

"I'm sorry, that was uncalled for," Elliot says quickly.

"Right," Olivia says tersely. She sighs then, letting Elliot's comment slide for now. "I'm just scared that he wants to be in soccer boy's life after all, now that this woman is out of his life."

Elliot rubs her arms gently.

"Did he say anything about it?" he asks her.

"That he wants to stay in touch."

His words are still echoing in her mind. _You are carrying my baby. The least I can do is stay in touch, right?_

"Okay," Elliot says hesitantly. "What does that mean?"

Olivia shrugs.

"He's not interested in getting back with me, El. He knows I'm with you now."

Elliot rubs her arms a little harder and it tells her he's getting restless.

"So why come over? Does he want to be a father to soccer boy after all?"

"I really don't know, Elliot. But I'm scared."

Elliot closes his eyes at her admission, and Olivia does the same. She sighs when she feels his forehead connecting with hers gently.

"I'm so sorry this is all happening at once, Liv," Elliot says softly.

Olivia feels tears well up again. She doesn't want to feel sorry for herself but it's a lot to take in, and ever since getting pregnant, her emotions have been out of whack. She knows she's safe with Elliot but she doesn't want to be a burden to him on top of everything else that's going on.

"It's okay," she starts bravely. "It's not your f…"

"Liv. Stop."

She opens her brown eyes and looks into his baby blues.

"What?" she asks him.

"It's not okay. None of this is okay and it's not fair to you."

"Or you."

"It's not fair to us," Elliot agrees.

"So what do we do about it?"

"I don't know. But I do know that nothing is going to come between you and me. Alright?"

Olivia forces a smile as one tear manages to find its way down her cheek. Elliot lifts his hand to wipe it away gently with his thumb.

"Alright?" he asks again.

Olivia purses her lips to keep them from trembling and nods.

"Alright."

"I need to know that we're good, Liv. We can do this together, as partners."

That makes her smile a little and she pats his thigh.

"Partners."

"I've got your back, Liv. And soccer boy's too."

"And I've got your back, El. You and your kids."

"You're going to have your time with your baby, Liv, I promise."

"But we're not going to push your kids away."

"Agreed."

"Agreed."

Elliot finally smiles too, his first real smile since he got home, and Olivia caresses his cheek with her hand.

"Partners," she repeats.

"For better or worse," Elliot says, echoing his own words of several years ago.

Olivia smiles too and agrees,

"For better or worse."

Elliot pulls her close then and when his lips find hers, the tension of the day leaves them as they pour out everything they have into that one long, intimate kiss. They're partners on the job and they're partners off the clock. As long as they stick together, they're going to be alright.

...

 **To be continued**


	44. Cocooning

**I had expected a few comments about Olivia's need for alone time, and alone time with her baby (and Elliot). I only got one comment about it, but I still want to clarify. Honestly, I feel it's very realistic. I know many fanfic writers have her fawning over Elliot's kids and enjoying the huge instant household because she never had that as a child. But I can tell you from experience that it's a huge adjustment for someone who has spent years and years on her own. She loves Elliot's kids and will never refuse them, but she is allowed her own feelings and needs, especially her need to be alone with Elliot and her baby at times. In this story, Elliot understands this too, as we will see.**

 **I'm trying to move the story along in this chapter and I hope it won't feel rushed. Enjoy!**

...

 **44\. Cocooning**

Elliot is definitely keeping his word, making sure Olivia has time to relax and mentally prepare for her baby's arrival. He doesn't burden her too much with information about Kathy and only gives her the headlines. Kathy has reluctantly agreed to counseling, and will be going to a clinic for a few days to detox and to give her therapy a strong start. As it turns out, she has only experimented with meth twice and knows very well that she shouldn't allow herself to lose control like that, or she might lose custody of her children after all. Elliot has every intention to have Narcotics go after the man who had been trying to get Kathy hooked on the drug.

Elliot stays in Queens with the kids for a few days while Kathy is away but he also makes time for Olivia by arranging a romantic dinner for two for them in the middle of the week at an Italian restaurant.

When Olivia finally signs up for a basic breathing class to prepare for the inevitable labor she will need to get through, Elliot offers to go with her after work. At first, she hadn't even wanted to go to a class because she'd expected to be surrounded by extremely young and giddy first-time moms. But after doing some reading and a little prodding from Elliot, and since Elliot has first hand experience being an assistant, she decides to go after all.

"Are the kids going to be alright?" she asks Elliot when they are putting on their coats, getting ready to leave the precinct.

"Yep. They can get home from school on their own. They're not little anymore."

"Alright. But soccer boy is. Are you sure you want to do this all over again?" Olivia asks him with a smirk.

Elliot glances around but they are alone in the squad room. He still keeps his voice down when he tells her with a laugh,

"Are you kidding? I want nothing more than to do it all over again, with you."

He adjusts the collar of her coat and then tugs her towards him by her collar to kiss her sweetly on the nose. Olivia wraps her arms around him to hold him for a moment. He is being so perfect under the circumstances and she can't help wondering if he'd want even more kids.

"Do you really mean that?" she asks him softly, leaning her temple against his cheek. "You'd want another one?"

Elliot's arms wrap around her and he holds her as close as her belly will allow.

"Yes," he tells her softly. "I'd love to have more babies with you."

Olivia ducks underneath his chin to hide the tears that suddenly blur her vision and Elliot pats her back lovingly.

"Now let's go. We can't be late for breathing class."

Olivia turns away from him but when she hears him chuckling, she turns around and attempts to glare at him. She fails miserably when a tear finds its way down her cheek and she drops her shoulders, shaking her head in defeat. Elliot wisely doesn't comment and they head out.

…

"I have officially changed my mind," Olivia mumbles as the breathing instructor wraps up their little class.

It hadn't been too bad, with only five other moms-to-be who aren't all in their early twenties like Olivia had feared. Two of the women have given birth before, but after the instructor gives them some rather graphic information about what will actually happen to their bodies before, during and after giving birth, Olivia can't imagine anyone going through the process more than once voluntarily.

She and Elliot are still sitting on their mat, her back resting against his chest, but when the others start to get up, Olivia turns towards him as well.

"A hand?" she asks him and she envies him when he hops up easily and then holds out his hand to her.

"Soon," he tells her, sensing her discomfort. "Your body will go back to normal soon, I promise."

She can't imagine it yet. How will her enormous belly ever disappear again? She'll have a big, empty bag made of skin hanging from her body indefinitely, she's sure of it. Elliot just laughs at her, which doesn't exactly take away her concern. He slips his hand in hers and they walk out of the room hand in hand.

"Remember people, same time next week! The only valid excuse for not showing up is actually giving birth!" the cheerful instructor shouts.

Only one of the women hopes to give birth before their next class and they expect to see the rest again next week.

"So what have you changed your mind about?" Elliot asks Olivia once they are out of earshot of the others and walk back to the car.

"Having the kid," Olivia says dryly. "I think I just won't. My body will never recover."

Elliot just grins at her and that doesn't exactly improve her mood. She's always touted how strong women are and how they have put every single man alive on the planet, but now that it's almost her turn, she doesn't feel as brave about it as she had hoped.

"You'll be fine. In fact, you'll be more than fine. You're the strongest person I know, period."

Olivia sighs but lets it go for now. Elliot is probably right. She isn't the first woman to gain this much weight during a pregnancy and most women bounce back after a while. She is going to have her next checkup in a few days, and she will be 36 weeks along then. She is considering asking Cragen if she can take some leave after the appointment because her body is really beginning to protest against getting up early and sitting at her desk all day long. Her legs are cramped and she wonders if she's starting to hold water because she can barely get her shoes on and off anymore.

Elliot takes her home and helps her get settled on the couch with some food before he has to return to Queens to make sure the children eat as well.

"Kathy's coming home tomorrow night, so I'll be sleeping next to you again then," he promises.

"Do you think she'll be alright with the kids?" Olivia asks.

She can't help being concerned for the children's wellbeing. What if therapy is making Kathy unstable for a while? Or rather, even more unstable than before?

"Maureen is going to stay over during the weekend and keep an eye out, but I have no doubt that Kathy won't do anything to jeopardize the children in any way."

Elliot has always been confident about Kathy's abilities to take care of the kids, and he isn't wavering despite the circumstances. Olivia decides not to argue with him, and waves him off. She is already looking forward to tomorrow, when Elliot will sleep by her side again. She's gotten used to having him there and that is a very welcome change. Before, she had a hard time actually sleeping when there was someone else in bed with her. She preferred taking her boyfriends or dates to their place, so she could leave afterwards and go home alone.

It's different this time and she knows that's because this is Elliot. They have always had a special connection and their bond has only grown over the course of her pregnancy. She feels safe with Elliot in a way she has never felt safe with anyone before. She'd already felt safe with him when they were just partners, and that sense of security has multiplied now. It's what she wants for her son as well, for him to have a place where he knows he's safe and loved and accepted. Where he can laugh and cry and act out, and no matter what he does, he'll always belong there. It's something both she and Elliot have never had themselves but Elliot has already proven that it's possible for damaged people to have a healthy, loving family. They're going to make it work for soccer boy as well. And maybe another little Stabler kid …

Olivia smiles and rubs her belly lovingly while the image of two children floats around in her head. He'd actually want another child with her. A little brother or sister for soccer boy to play with. Her son gives her a firm kick as if he is agreeing that this is a great idea. He is going to have a big family of people who love him. Elliot and her, their squad and Elliot's family. While she is enjoying the quiet before the storm, she is already looking forward to that new life that she is going to get.

…

Olivia has spent the day inside the apartment and wonders when she changed and became so fond of cocooning. She has finally asked Cragen for some time off and he has told her to go home and not come back until her child is at least a month old. She has enough vacation days to last her several months and she is gladly accepting Cragen's suggestion.

Her 36-week checkup has gone fine. She has checkups weekly now, as her due date approaches, and Elliot tags along as much as possible. He is back home with her and Kathy seems to be making progress. Olivia hopes that the woman's suspicions about Elliot cheating on her will turn out to be related to her illness, and that Kathy will come around eventually. It would be easier for all parties involved, especially Elliot.

She can tell that it's hard for Elliot to keep all the plates spinning and he looks so tired when he comes home. She decides to surprise him tonight with a romantic, candlelit dinner for two and a nice backrub. She isn't agile enough anymore to give him a full massage, but she can still manage his shoulders and neck. After checking with Munch that Elliot is in fact coming home for dinner, she gets everything ready. The dinner table looks very nice and she's even gotten them some alcohol free bubbles for the occasion. The massage oil and a towel are ready on the couch and the lights are dimmed in the living room.

Olivia sits down at the dinner table to wait for Elliot, and feels another Braxton Hicks. She decides to put her new breathing techniques to good use, even if this isn't a real contraction yet. Don't tighten your muscles and don't hold your breath. Relax consciously and keep breathing regularly. She can feel her body absorbing the tightness of her belly and has to admit there is something to that breathing class after all. She remembers how supportive Elliot was during the class, trying to act like it was all new to him while she knows he's done it at least three times before. He really wants her to have the full experience as a first-time mom and she loves him for it.

Elliot should be home any minute and she checks on dinner one last time when she hears a knock on the door. Olivia frowns.

"Come on El? You forgot your keys again?" she mutters, wobbling to the door.

Then she adds, a little louder,

"Who's there? No solicitors please!"

She hears another knock and then a hesitant voice, saying her name.

"Olivia?"

She frowns again. That doesn't sound like Elliot. She opens the door a crack without taking off the chain and peers into the hallway. It's not Elliot at all. It's …

"Miguel?"

…

 **Uh oh. Nice timing Miguel! I thought you were going to call ahead. And Elliot is coming home soon. How is this going to go?**


	45. Tension

**So, like I said in the A/N in my latest update of "Someone like me" I'm not going to make any more promises on when I'm going to update. I will publish each chapter as soon as I have finished it, but I have other things to attend to besides writing. Also, this heat wave we're experiencing is not helping … it's way too hot to be inside all the time and I don't type well at all on my tablet - or in the sun.**

 **Having said all that, chapter 45 is finally here! Enjoy.**

...

 **45\. Tension**

 _Elliot should be home any minute and she checks on dinner one last time when she hears a knock on the door. Olivia frowns._

 _"Come on El? You forgot your keys again?" she mutters, wobbling to the door._

 _Then she adds, a little louder,_

 _"Who's there? No solicitors please!"_

 _She hears another knock and then a hesitant voice, saying her name._

 _"Olivia?"_

 _She frowns again. That doesn't sound like Elliot. She opens the door a crack without taking off the chain and peers into the hallway. It's not Elliot at all. It's …_

 _"Miguel?"_

…

"Hey Olive."

Olivia is stunned for a moment. Not only hadn't she expected Miguel, but it's very strange to see him again, in the flesh. Rationally, she knows she is carrying this man's child but she realizes that she had completely detached her memories of their time together from her current reality. It had been _her_ child, no one else's. Until now.

When she just stands there, staring at him, Miguel smiles shyly and then asks her,

"Are you gonna let us in?"

Only then does she notice a second man in the hallway. It must be Miguel's cousin.

"Uhm, yes … just a second."

She closes the door so she can take the chain off and bites her lip when she opens it again. Both men enter the apartment silently and stop just inside the door. They are clearly a little uncomfortable, especially Miguel.

"You look … different," he remarks after they have looked at each other for a few moments.

"I look like an elephant," Olivia deadpans, making both men chuckle nervously.

"Yeah, well … ehm, this is my cousin Luís."

Olivia nods at the other man, whose skin tone is slightly lighter than Miguel's but who is clearly a relative, and when he extends his hand, she shakes it.

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Luís says.

Olivia forces a small smile and then focuses her gaze on Miguel again. Aside from his nervousness, he looks as handsome as ever. Her nostrils catch a waft of his aftershave, bringing back memories of their week together back in July.

"Miguel …"

"Olive …"

They both chuckle again when they say each others' names simultaneously and then finally reach for each other. Olivia closes her eyes when Miguel hugs her and tries to relax, although her heart rate is spiking. She knew he'd be coming over this month but now that he's here, all her fears about him making the life of her child complicated come back full force. They only hold each other for two seconds and then break apart. Miguel is smiling shyly once more and shakes his head when he looks her over once more.

"You're really having a kid," he muses.

"Yes, I am."

"Wow."

Olivia chuckles again, wondering what she's supposed to say or do next. She feels like a fish out of water. How do you talk to the man who fathered your child but isn't supposed to be in the child's life, or yours? Especially now that he's here so unexpectedly?

"I thought you were going to call before coming over," she finally says.

Miguel looks around her apartment and spots the dinner table for two, with two lit candles and a bottle of bubbles.

"I'm sorry Olive. You're clearly expecting company. We just … we arrived earlier today and after we got settled in our hotel we just took a cab and came over here on a whim. It's not like we know a lot of people in this city so …"

There is an awkward silence once more and then cousin Luís steps up.

"Ma'am, Miguel here has been out of sorts lately. I know he told you about the way he found out that his relationship with his woman is over. So I'm helping him get a grip on his life again and I came up with the idea of visiting the Big Apple. And you," Luís adds, gesturing at her. "To remind him that there are still really decent people in the world. I mean, you didn't have to tell him anything about the baby and he would never have known if you hadn't called."

"I didn't want my child's life to start out with a lie. Even if it might have been a lie of omission," Olivia tells Luís.

"Exactly. You're too honest for that and I just wanted Miguel to remember that there are good, honest women in the world and not everyone will treat him as badly as his ex did."

"I understand that part," Olivia responds, and she feels like she's conducting this conversation partly on autopilot, almost as if she's not really there. She looks at Miguel again and the familiarity of his face helps her relax for the moment. He's been nothing but good to her during their time together. He's not an evil person, and on top of that, he's hurting.

"And it's good to know that Miguel has such a good friend like you to help him get over this woman," she tells Luís and she really means it.

"But this isn't a good time," Miguel adds before she can continue and she can see the understanding shine in his brown eyes. "I'm really sorry for showing up like this Olive. It was selfish of me."

"I knew you were going to come to New York …"

"But I said I'd call first and I didn't."

"Yeah. You did."

"And you have plans tonight. You still with that same guy I talked to on the phone?"

"I am."

The mention of Elliot puts a smile on her face and Miguel smiles too.

"I'm glad. He sounded like a dependable guy to me."

"He is. And he will be home any minute now."

"I think that's our cue," Miguel tells Luís, who grins as well.

"Just … I'll talk to Elliot first, okay? And then we'll set something up."

"Absolutely Olive. Any place you can recommend where we can go grab a beer while we're here?"

"You could try the sports bar next door, or just take a cab to downtown Manhattan."

"Okay. We'll be out of your hair now and I'll call later, alright?"

"Alright. We'll talk soon."

Luís opens the door of the apartment and both men step out into the hallway. Olivia watches them leave and lets out a shuddering breath. She'd managed to keep her cool but now she is starting to feel the stress again about Miguel's sudden presence. She waves when Miguel turns his head to look at her before they turn the corner to descend the stairs and then forces herself to close the door slowly. It could have been a lot worse. She should be glad that Miguel is such a great guy and that he doesn't blame her for having his child. And yet she feels incredibly tense. She tries to take a deep breath but a sudden tightness of her belly makes her stop mid-breath.

"Don't hold your breath," she whispers to herself, remembering the breathing lessons.

She walks back into the apartment and sits down gingerly at the dinner table. Gradually, the Braxton Hicks subsides - if that's what it was - and Olivia leans her elbows on the table, covering her face with her hands. She needs a moment to deal with the built-up tension in her body that Miguel's unexpected visit has caused.

Just then, she hears keys in the door. Elliot's home. She looks up and watches him come in. When he sees her and the nicely set table, he gives her a tired smile but when he registers the distraught look in her eyes, his expression changes to one of concern. He takes off his coat quickly and hangs it on the rack, and then walks up to her.

"What's wrong?" he asks her, sitting down next to her and putting a hand on her back. "The table looks so nice but you seem upset."

Olivia shakes her head but she can't not tell Elliot.

"Miguel just showed up here with his cousin," she blurts out.

"What?" Elliot gasps.

He studies her face for a few moments and then seems to remember something.

"Those two guys who just walked out of the building when I got here?"

"Probably, yes. They only just left."

Elliot frowns and continues to stare at her.

"What was it like to see him again?" he asks and she can hear the tension in his voice.

He must hate that he wasn't there when the men showed up.

"Strange. I mean, I know what he looks like but it suddenly became so … real, you know?"

Elliot nods slowly but she isn't sure he really understands.

"Real how?"

Olivia sighs. She can't really explain it. She rubs her belly lovingly, hoping to feel her son kicking, but he is quiet at the moment.

"Liv?"

She looks at Elliot, who is once again ready to support her, and she suddenly feels sad.

"I'm sorry El," she says, and she feels a lump forming in her throat unexpectedly.

Elliot's eyes widen and it puzzles her.

"About what?" he asks her, and he seems almost afraid to hear her answer.

"It's all about me again and I'm sorry."

She doesn't know why she's on the verge of tears suddenly. Must be those pesky pregnancy hormones acting up again.

Elliot seems relieved at her answer and chuckles softly while rubbing her back lovingly.

"Oh baby, you don't have to apologize to me. I'm here for you, always. You do want that, right?"

Olivia looks at Elliot more attentively, wondering why he's asking her if she wants him to be here for her.

"Of course I do," she says, looking between his eyes questioningly. "But I want to be here for you as well."

"Okay," Elliot says, but she can see he's forcing a smile.

"Why wouldn't I want that?"

He shrugs and drops his hand from her back.

"I don't know. Seems like seeing Miguel again is doing things to you. And he _is_ soccer boy's real father."

Olivia closes her eyes for a second. Is he serious?

"El …"

"It's understandable Liv. I get it," Elliot interrupts, but she holds up a hand, signaling that she's not done.

"No, listen. Miguel is soccer boy's biological father and that's all he will be. He isn't interested in a life with me _or_ this baby."

She isn't one hundred percent sure about the second part of her statement but she is sure about the first part, and Elliot needs to know that.

"But you just said that seeing him made it all real. I can imagine that you would feel a connection to this man."

She is beginning to understand where Elliot is coming from. Does he think she has actual feelings for Miguel? That she's just realizing this because she's seen him again? Because that's not what is causing all this tension. Not at all.

"Yeah. I meant that it's real that my son will have a biological father out there somewhere. Until now, we were living in our own bubble, worrying about Kathy and your kids and soccer boy. Miguel showing up kind of burst that bubble for me."

She takes Elliot's free hand that had been resting on the table and holds it between her hands.

"But maybe that's a good thing. We're going to have to face it anyway. I'm just a little scared … that …"

The tension of the moment suddenly takes her ability to speak away and she swallows hard.

Elliot's eyes soften and he pulls her closer to him.

"Don't be scared Liv. It'll be alright," he says soothingly but his kindness only makes the lump in her throat grow.

She shakes her head and looks at Elliot tearfully.

"Tonight was supposed to be for _you_ , El. I cooked and I wanted us to have a relaxing dinner and then give you a nice shoulder rub and here we are, talking about my messed up life again. You're always helping other people and I just … wanted to do something for _you_ tonight."

Her voice almost breaks and she wonders who this fragile person is, who is so desperate to give Elliot something in return for his unwavering support of just about everyone in his life, that it makes her want to cry. Surely it's not Detective Benson … but when Elliot takes her face in his hands and turns it until she's mere inches away from his face, she focuses on him again.

"Liv baby."

He kisses her very softly on the lips.

"That means so much to me, that you went through all this trouble just for me. We _are_ going to enjoy our evening together, I promise. But it's not a sacrifice for me to wipe away your tears or to talk about your fears. And your life isn't messed up. You're expecting a beautiful son and we're going to be okay. I promise."

Olivia blinks and looks into his bright blue eyes, that show how tired he is but that also radiate an almost fatherly confidence that things will all work out for all of them in the end. She can't fathom how he can continue to be this strong for everyone else.

"How can you be so sure?" she asks him and she finds herself needing his reassurance once more.

Elliot shrugs and gives her his patented half grin that she finds annoying as well as wildly attractive at the same time.

"I just do."

"You have a lot of faith in me. And in us."

"I do."

He kisses her softly again but Olivia pulls back to look into his eyes again.

"Wait … did you just call me baby?"

There's that cocky grin again.

"I did, baby. Actually, I've done it before but I guess I had you too ecstatic to notice it."

Olivia huffs but doesn't pull away. His ego is part of his confident and reassuring self and she needs him to be that now. She'll accept the bragging if that's what it takes, and she can see that Elliot is relaxing at last. She moves in to kiss him again and this time, it's not just a sweet peck on the lips. They kiss as if they haven't seen each other in a week and they don't come up for air until Elliot's stomach literally growls.

"We should eat," Olivia mumbles against his lips and Elliot agrees.

"We should. But we're picking up where we left off later."

"Is that a promise?"

"That's a promise. Baby."

...

 **To be continued. That's a promise too ;)**


	46. Relaxing

**Temperatures in my area should drop a little after today, from 95 F (which it is now) to a 'mere' 82 F … Still, I ploughed on, without any air conditioning, to get this update ready for my faithful readers!**

 **I have to say it's becoming increasingly difficult to write this story from just Olivia's POV. But this is what I had set out to do, so I am continuing bravely. We don't know what Elliot is thinking and feeling aside from what he tells Olivia, and we don't know what he's up to every minute of the day but it is the way it is. Without further ado, I present to you chapter 46.**

...

 **46\. Relaxing**

Their evening isn't as relaxed as Olivia had hoped. Her concern about Miguel keeps popping up and she can tell that Elliot is exhausted so she doesn't want to burden him too much. She has told him Miguel is going to call to meet with both of them, but other than that, she doesn't talk about the father of her baby or his unexpected visit earlier. Her 38 week checkup is approaching and she tries to keep the conversation light. They revisit baby names again and Olivia is now torn between a few names from the national soccer team, Chris or Christopher, Jesse and her original choice Timothy. Elliot says he likes all the names and that it's really up to her. She wonders why he is being distant about it but chalks it up to how tired he is. After dinner they watch some TV together and Olivia snuggles up against Elliot on the couch. He smiles at her and they share a few kisses, but at times he seems miles away. When they decide to turn in early, Olivia is disappointed that she hasn't gotten to give Elliot his shoulder rub.

"It's alright," he simply says.

"You did promise me something," Olivia reminds him and that finally puts a charming grin on his face again.

"I did, didn't I?"

"Yes. _Baby_."

After getting up, Olivia tries for a sexy saunter towards her bedroom, but her swollen body can't exactly be the sexiest thing Elliot has ever seen. He follows her though and does steal a few glances while they both undress for the night. Olivia slips a loose nightgown over her head that will barely fit around her belly anymore and she looks at Elliot, who looks insanely handsome in just his boxer briefs.

"Am I ever going to look normal again?" she sighs as she sits down gingerly on the edge of the bed. She hoists her legs onto the mattress rather unceremoniously and huffs a little while she moves her body to the right spot on her side of the bed.

"You will. I'm sure of it," Elliot tells her. "The Olivia Benson I know is going to work hard to get back into shape as soon as possible. You'll be the most beautiful mom in the world."

Olivia drops her head on her pillow and sighs again.

"I hope so."

Elliot scoots into bed next to her and she likes that he isn't bothering with a shirt tonight. She reaches for him and caresses his shoulder lovingly. She lets her hand travel down his chest and when Elliot makes his muscles twitch underneath her touch, she grins.

"I can't see what you see in me now," she muses honestly.

"Oh, I see plenty that I like," Elliot assures her, wiggling his eyebrows.

She can see that his earlier worries are being replaced by thoughts of her and she wonders if this isn't just an escape for both of them. To indulge in some physical intimacy so they won't worry about their lives so much. When Elliot leans in to kiss her, she closes her eyes and just goes with it. She needs to feel close to Elliot and if this is the way to accomplish that, she'll take it. Elliot moans and she can feel the proof of his arousal start to press against her thigh. How she wishes she could simply wrap her legs around him and not release him until he is absolutely satisfied. Her body aches for real sex from time to time but his skilful mouth and fingers will have to do for now, like hers have learned to please him. They find each other's sensitive spots easily and when they reach their climax after a while, Olivia on her back and Elliot pressed against her right side, Elliot shudders against her. She loves how he is becoming more and more vocal in bed. It gives her a sense of power to be able to make him cry out like that and at least she has helped him relax so he can sleep now. Maybe this is even better than a massage. She is right behind him, and after the intense wave of pleasure subsides, her body experiences several aftershocks. Elliot is kissing her face sweetly when she suddenly stills.

"What is it?" Elliot whispers, moving his hand up from where it had been nested between her legs to caress her big belly. "Wow, that feels so hard."

"Yeah," Olivia sighs. "It's been happening a lot lately."

"Just breathe through it baby."

Olivia nods and focuses on relaxing her muscles and breathing slowly instead of tensing up. She notices Elliot looking at the clock by her bedside and she wonders if he thinks she's going into labor already. Part of her wouldn't mind because she is more than ready to have this baby by now, but another part of her worries that it would be too soon. She is supposed to have her 38 week check up on Monday, which is in three days, but what if these aren't Braxton Hicks anymore but the real thing?

The tightness subsides and Olivia turns on her side to snuggle against Elliot's warm chest. He covers her body with the comforter and watches her for a while.

"Go to sleep, _baby_ ," she whispers, her eyes already closing. "If soccer boy decides to pop, I'm sure we'll know soon enough."

Elliot rests his hand on her belly and she knows he's going to be monitoring her. As much as she wants him to just go to sleep and get the rest he so desperately needs, she knows there is no point in arguing with him about it. Besides, she's too tired herself to put up much of a fight and feels herself drifting off already. Must be because she knows she is completely safe with him and under his watchful eye.

…

It's Saturday morning, April 3, 2004. Olivia is in the nursery checking everything for the thousandth time while Elliot is on the phone with Cragen in his room. She can't really make out what he's saying because he is keeping his voice down, but the tone of his voice tells her he is disagreeing with their boss.

Olivia checks the bunk beds as well. They're having the girls over later and she wants everything to be ready for Kathleen and Elizabeth. When she hears Elliot emerge from his bedroom, she walks into the living room as well and asks him,

"Do you have to go?"

Elliot shakes his head.

"Cap wanted me to come in but I told him I can't."

"Why can't you come in? I thought Kathy was bringing the girls herself, or do you have to pick them up?"

"No. Yes. Kathy is bringing them but I don't want to leave you right now."

Olivia frowns.

"You think I can't handle them on my own?"

Elliot sighs and she can see him bite back a comment before he approaches her.

"Liv, I know you're perfectly capable of handling my daughters. In fact, they'll probably want to wait on you hand and foot because you're pregnant."

That makes her chuckle and she relaxes again.

"Then what? If a victim needs you ..."

"Baby … just promise me you're not going to yell at me okay?"

She's kind of getting used to being called baby by Elliot, but she wonders what is up with him that he needs to use the pet name like this with her.

"Just say it El," she sighs.

"I don't know if you've noticed this in your sleep, but your belly got hard a few more times during the night. I just don't want to leave you alone right now, just in case this is leading up to the real deal."

She sees him brace himself visibly for her reaction and wonders if she's really such a bitch these days. But she has to admit, while she hasn't noticed her belly getting hard during the night, that it's something to take seriously.

"Okay … so … how many times?"

Elliot steps closer to her and reaches for her hands. She lets him take them in his.

"I can't be sure. I did actually get some sleep but … it was more than twice after the one we felt right after … you know."

He smirks and she can't help grinning as well.

"Right. Can't they just have been aftershocks after what you did to me last night?"

Her eyes sparkle a bit and Elliot drops his head, shaking it.

"I know I'm good but I'm not _that_ good that you'd still be flying hours later."

"Hours? Did you get _any_ sleep?"

"I did but I woke up because you groaned a bit."

"Oh. Did it look like I was in pain?"

"No. You just seemed uncomfortable, like you were having a bad dream."

"Maybe I was."

She did have a few restless dreams about Miguel and Luís coming into her home looking for her child, and one where she suddenly wasn't pregnant anymore but didn't have a baby either.

"Maybe. But your belly was rock solid as well."

"Okay. I understand. Maybe we should start writing down the times, just to be on the safe side. I have another appointment with Dr. Simmons on Monday."

Elliot pulls her close to him and she welcomes his loving embrace. She wraps her arms around his waist as far as she can with her belly between them and smiles when Elliot kisses the top of her head.

"Thanks for hearing me out," he says quietly.

"Am I really such a bitch?" she asks him.

Elliot chuckles.

"What do you want me to say to that?"

Olivia sighs and holds him a little tighter.

"I guess that's my answer. I'm sorry El. I don't mean to be so difficult."

"Don't worry about it honey. I understand."

Olivia lifts her head to look at Elliot and sees the amusement in his blue eyes even before she asks him,

"We're upgrading to 'honey' now?"

Elliot's hearty laughter is music to her ears. It's going to be a good weekend after all.

…

Olivia hasn't had another Braxton Hicks yet when her phone rings around eleven fifteen that morning. They had been sitting on the couch together, Elliot reading the newspaper and Olivia reading a fluffy novel. She shows Elliot the ID on her screen before picking up. Miguel is calling like he'd promised. He asks if they can meet today, but Olivia explains that they are going to have two of Elliot's kids over until Sunday afternoon.

"Two of his kids? You mean to say he's got more?" Miguel asks surprised.

"Four actually," Olivia tells him while looking at Elliot, who is watching her intently. "Three girls and a boy."

"Wow. And now he's going to be taking care of another boy. I'm impressed."

Olivia reaches for Elliot's arm and squeezes it while she tells Miguel,

"Well, like you said, he's a keeper."

Elliot covers her hand with his and smiles warmly at her. He seems to need confirmation these days that she's with him and only him.

"So when can we meet tomorrow night?"

"Let's make it around five," Olivia suggests, and Elliot nods in approval. "The girls will be back with their mom by then and we can have a chat."

"Alright. Five it is. Would you mind if I bring Luís again?"

"Not at all."

They end the call and Olivia tosses her phone of the coffee table before looking at Elliot again.

"What do you think they'll want to talk about?" Elliot asks her.

"I'm not sure," Olivia replies. "I'm a little nervous about it though. What if he wants to be in soccer boy's life after all?"

Elliot doesn't reassure her right away and she remembers his words about paternity when she'd first told him about the pregnancy. He would want to know if he was going to be a father. That's how Elliot would see it. He'd be the father and he would find a way to be there for his child, no matter the circumstances. Miguel is different. He's much younger and lives far away from New York. He hadn't really thought about having a family, especially since he'd had a girlfriend at the time who absolutely didn't want children. That had been fine with him, apparently.

Elliot is a family man, through and through. He would never just let someone else raise his kid without being involved. His recent trips to Queens are proving that once more. He may trust Kathy implicitly as a mother, even now, but he's still there as a father for his children, when he's needed and when he's not needed per se.

"You can't imagine Miguel just giving him up, can you?" she asks him honestly.

Elliot sucks his lower lip between his teeth and lets it plop before replying,

"I wouldn't."

"I know you wouldn't. But he's not like you."

"He's not a horrible person though."

Olivia smiles.

"No. He's not. He's a sweetheart. I would never have spent time with him if I'd picked up any negative vibes from him. He was up front with me from the start. We'd only hook up for the week. It was what we both wanted, nothing more."

"Yet here we are," Elliot says dryly.

"Right. Now you're making me jittery again about tomorrow El."

"I'm sorry Liv. How can I make it up to you?"

One corner of his mouth tugs up and she swats at his chest.

"Stabler! Get your mind out of the gutter. Best way to make a pregnant woman happy is to feed her, don't you know that?"

Elliot chuckles and gets up to make them some lunch. Kathy will drop the girls off around noon so he makes enough for four. Meanwhile, Olivia feels her belly get hard again, and this time she feels a painful twinge in her lower back. She sits still and breathes through the pain and the tightness and once she feels like everything is back to normal, she looks at the clock. 11.38 am.

…

 **Hmmmm. What's going on?**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter, consisting of multiple scenes to move the story along to the inevitable moment we've all been waiting for! To be continued ...**

 **PS. Feel free to weigh in with regards to baby names. Remember, it's 2004 in this story so it should be a soccer player from the national team around that time.**


	47. Birth

**I actually wrote most of this while on vacation! How's that for dedication? Or is it obsession …? :D**

 **Now I am aware that medical procedures are different from country to country so anything odd you may read here can be attributed to those differences between your country and mine. I am using the experiences of myself and people I know. And since epidurals are uncommon here, Olivia doesn't get one either. Did I say epidural? Is the baby coming? I guess he is!**

...

 **47\. Birth**

The Stabler girls arrive and there is a flurry of activity and chatter in the apartment suddenly. Olivia just lets it happen, sitting comfortably on the couch. Elliot has warned her she is not to lift a finger, and like he expected, the girls are eager to serve her food and make sure she stays off her feet. Olivia doesn't mind. She's just happy to see Elliot so happy. He's an amazing father and she loves watching him interact with his kids. She opts out of the board games this time and decides to take a nap. She's felt that twinge in her back again, about an hour and a half after the first time. She hasn't told Elliot about it yet but she knows she needs to take notice of these changes in her body. Dr. Simmons has told her during her latest check-up that the baby is already in the right position, head down, and she can tell that he's positioned a little lower than before now. Dr. Simmons has told her that it's perfectly normal for her baby to move around less now, because there is hardly any room left inside her belly for him to move around. He kicks her stomach every now and then though. It's not a pleasant feeling but it's reassuring all the same. She needs to feel him regularly to know he's still doing well.

Olivia is very surprised when Elliot wakes her up to tell her it's time for dinner. She's slept for hours and wonders if she's had any contractions during that time. They can't have been very serious or she would have woken up, but she still thinks something is going on.

Kathleen and Elizabeth present them with a modern Stabler dinner as they call it, and it's an actual three course meal. Elliot beams with pride as the two girls serve them very professionally. They start with a light vegetable soup. The main course is Chicken Fajita, consisting of stir fried vegetables and slices of chicken to be put on tortillas with guacamole or sour cream. Even dessert is home-made, a variety of canned fruits sliced into small pieces, with lemon ice cream and whipped cream.

"Dad told us lemon is your favorite ice cream," Elizabeth tells her and Olivia smiles at Elliot.

"Thank you Lizzie. I really appreciate all of this," she tells Elliot's youngest daughter.

"It's okay. We like to cook," Elizabeth says matter-of-factly and Elliot winks at Olivia.

Once they have all eaten, Olivia leans back in her seat and frowns when she feels another twinge of pain in her lower back.

"You okay?" Elliot asks her quietly, and immediately two other sets of blue eyes are looking at her.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she says quickly, causing Elliot to raise an eyebrow.

She looks into his eyes, trying very hard to convey a silent message to him not to worry the girls. Elliot seems to understand, but once the girls offer to clean up and Olivia stands up, Elliot pulls her aside. He holds her left bicep lightly with his right hand and moves his mouth close to her ear when he asks her softly,

"What's going on?"

"I'm not sure El. But whatever it is, it isn't an emergency yet," she whispers back.

They move to the couch but Elliot isn't done.

"Yet? You think it's starting?" he asks her, keeping his voice down but she can still hear his concern.

"I don't know. I'm checking the clock whenever I feel something but there's no real pattern to it."

"What are you feeling?"

Olivia glances behind her at the girls, but they are busy rinsing plates and loading the dishwasher.

"Just these twinges of pain in my lower back combined with a tightness in my belly."

"Those could be contractions Liv."

"I know."

"How long have you been having them?"

"The back pains are new. Since this morning I think."

"What time?"

Olivia sighs. She should have expected Elliot to be like this.

"I'll start writing down the times. We'll see soon enough if there's a pattern."

"Sounds good," Elliot agrees and he goes to find a notepad for her.

Olivia is glad the girls haven't noticed anything yet.

…

There is a pattern. It's undeniable and they both know it. The contractions aren't particularly painful yet but the time in between has been decreasing gradually. As soon as the girls were asleep, Elliot had joined Olivia in her room. They both haven't slept a wink and finally at 5 AM on Sunday morning, Olivia uses the special phone number Dr. Simmons had given her.

"Thirty minutes?" the night nurse says. "Alright. Just get your things and come to the hospital. There is no rush since your water hasn't broken so drive safely, okay?"

"But isn't it too early?" Olivia asks.

Until now she has tried to suppress her concern but since this is one of the nurses who works with Dr. Simmons, she can finally ask an expert.

"Your baby looked just fine last week, good growth and he's in position. We will check if you're dilating once you get here. 37 weeks and 6 days isn't premature Ms. Benson. Maybe we can try to get him to stay in a little longer, but they usually have a good reason to want to come out. Try not to worry about it. We have everything ready here to help you deliver your son safely if he decides it's time."

After ending the call, Olivia looks at Elliot, who is sitting next to her on the foot of her bed and is rubbing her back gently. She feels reassured for now.

"This is it," Elliot says softly, almost reverently.

"The girls," Olivia replies. "I guess you have to stay with them."

Elliot's eyes widen as if he can't believe what she is saying.

"I'm not missing this for the world Liv!" he huffs. "I'll talk to them."

Elliot urges her to check her hospital bag one last time before he leaves her room to talk to his daughters. Within two minutes there is a knock on her door, and two blonde heads with messy hair peek around it.

"Olivia? Is the baby coming already?" Elizabeth asks softly.

"We want to come!" Kathleen blurts out immediately. "We'll be quiet and dad said we could come if we're quiet and stay in the waiting room."

"We can do that," Elizabeth adds quickly. "I can bring a book to read."

"Me too," Kathleen says with a serious nod. The 15-year old isn't really a reader and they all know it, but Olivia doesn't have the heart to refuse the excited young girls. Besides, what else can they do? She really does want Elliot to come with her, and the only other alternative will be to call Kathy. It's not a difficult choice to make.

Elliot appears behind his daughters and the adults exchange a look before Olivia forces a smile and tells the girls to get ready to leave.

"Five minutes," Elliot adds but the girls are already rushing back to their room to get dressed.

Elliot sits down next to Olivia again.

"I'm sorry Liv," he starts but Olivia puts a hand on his thigh.

"It's alright. They're excited about the baby."

"And you? Are you ready for this?"

She looks into his blue eyes, that are filled with love and concern. Is she ready for this? She looks down at her belly and rubs it gently with her free hand.

"I guess so El. If he's ready, I can't let him down."

As if on cue, she feels her body tighten again, and her breathing exercises kick in instantly. This isn't just a twinge of back pain anymore and she groans softly while she lets the contraction wash over her, focusing on relaxing her muscles until the wave of discomfort subsides. She looks at Elliot then and he nods. They have to leave for the hospital. Now.

…

The night nurse had already paged Dr. Simmons and she is waiting for them at the hospital. She seems mildly surprised to see the girls with them but Elliot quickly explains the situation. He makes sure the girls are comfortable in the waiting room nearby with some snacks while Olivia is fitted with an external contraction monitor around her belly. Since she isn't the only patient who may be in labor, Dr. Simmons tells her she will be back soon to take a look at the readout of the monitor. Meanwhile, the nurses will check Olivia's vital signs from time to time. Olivia just lets it all happen and closes her eyes when she feels another contraction coming.

 _This is it baby,_ she tells her child silently. _I'm finally going to meet you._

She opens her eyes when she feels warm hands close around her right hand. Elliot is here and it's all she needs.

"Girls okay?" she asks him and Elliot nods.

"They're super excited to meet the baby but they promised me they would wait patiently down the hall. The nurses are keeping an eye on them, too."

"That's good."

"It's going to be fine Liv. You and soccer boy are strong."

She smiles at him. Elliot is tense but he has faith in her. Then her smile fades and Elliot leans in, instantly concerned.

"What is it baby?"

"It's … we … we haven't even decided on a name yet!" she stammers, suddenly realizing that her child may actually be born today. "We can't keep calling him soccer boy!"

Elliot laughs out loud and Olivia chuckles too. It lifts the tension for both of them and Olivia is still grinning when they go over the names once more.

…

She's already five centimeters dilated and when her water suddenly breaks her body takes over. There is no stopping her son's birth now and no medical reason to try and delay it. Elliot can't do much. She can't bear to be touched at all during a contraction but she wants him close in between. Her focus is on the pain and on the process she is in but she still needs Elliot to be there, so they can remember everything together. The pain is getting more intense but she has refused pain relief. Dr. Simmons expects a smooth and quick birth and because of Olivia's low blood pressure she has advised against an epidural. Olivia has agreed not to take any kind of pain relief. She wants to experience all of it. This is the only pain she knows that serves a purpose. She's bringing a new life into this world. Her thoughts drift to her mother briefly. It must have been so different for her, giving birth to the child of her rapist. Olivia squeezes her eyes shut when another contraction hits her and two tears are pushed from between her closed eyelids. That baby is now giving life to a new baby and his life will be different. He will be loved every day of his life and will have a safe place to call home.

"Try to hold off the next one, Olivia. I need to check how far along you are," she hears the doctor say.

Olivia looks up at Elliot, who has only left her side twice for a few minutes to check on his daughters, but who is glued to her bedside now. He reaches for her face to wipe away her tears and smiles at her hesitantly.

"You're doing great Liv. Just a little longer," he tells her encouragingly.

Olivia nods.

"I'm okay. I was just thinking of my mom," she tells him, and she knows Elliot will understand.

He knows. He knows all of it and he loves her anyway. Elliot caresses her cheek and she smiles back at him, resting her head on the pillow. She knows the next contraction won't take long and she braces herself when she feels the doctor checking her progress.

"Almost there," Dr. Simmons tells them. "One more and then you can try and push a little, okay?"

Olivia nods and it's all she can do before the next contraction hits her. She knows this one is different from anything she's felt until now.

"Oh God," she groans and both the doctor and Elliot know what's up. Her body wants to push. Now.

"Try to breathe through this one," the doctor urges.

She feels the woman's fingers touching her body but it hurts too much and her body just wants to push. The urge is unstoppable. As soon as she gets the go ahead, she grabs the backs of her thighs and pushes with all her might.

She hears Elliot mumbling close to her, telling her she's doing great and how proud he is of her. She feels like her lower half is being ripped in half but she keeps going. It will all be worth it in the end.

"Here comes the head," the doctor exclaims, ready to catch her baby. "Give me a big push now."

It's the only time Olivia cries out and it's a cry of victory when she feels her son's head pop out.

"One more and he's here," she hears the doctor say.

She glances at the man next to her and she sees the pride in his eyes. He is supporting her shoulders with one arm when she buckles down and pushes one last time. The relief is instant and immense when she feels her child slip out of her body and into her doctor's waiting hands. She lets her upper body fall back and finds herself cradled in Elliot's arms, his lips kissing her forehead several times. They turn their heads simultaneously to look at the newborn baby and Dr. Simmons lifts him up to place him on his mother's chest. Olivia reaches for her son instinctively and feels her chin tremble when the little boy lets out a soft wail.

"That's it little man," the doctor says quietly. "Fill up your lungs."

The child listens and starts to cry a little louder, and it's the most amazing sound Olivia has ever heard. She stares at her son in wonder and wraps her hands around him before a soft blanket is put over him on her chest. She doesn't feel any pain anymore. All her senses are focused on the new life she is holding against her chest, that she will need to protect from now on.

"Hello my sweet boy," she whispers softly. "There you are."

"What's his name?" the nurse asks, ready to write the new citizen's name on his tag.

Olivia looks at Elliot and her eyes sparkle when she tells the nurse,

"His name is Christopher Donovan Benson."

...

 **To be continued**


	48. Perfect

**A lot of details in this chapter but I really wanted to put a ton of baby fluff in this story. I don't usually write about babies so I'm indulging myself this one time :))  
I am posting a picture of a kid on Twitter that looks like how little baby Chris looks in my mind, if you're interested ;)**

...

 **48\. Perfect**

He is perfect.

Olivia can't stop looking at her child. Her son. Christopher Benson. Chris. He's really here and she is in awe of him. He's been checked out thoroughly and they're keeping them both in the hospital for the day for observation, but since his saturation continues to be almost perfect, he doesn't need to be in an incubator. He is lying next to her in her bed. They're now both squeaky clean and the little boy smells deliciously of baby soap. Olivia is on her right side, leaning on her right elbow while her left arm is wrapped protectively around the tiny baby next to her in the big hospital bed. She is actually a mother now.

He is so small but so perfect. Ten little fingers and ten little toes. Two dark eyes that haven't opened much yet, but she's seen them. He has a cute little button nose and long black eyelashes and a sweet little pouty mouth. She's kissed his face a hundred times already and feels like crying from joy from time to time. Her child is perfect. His skin is soft and smooth, and although he doesn't have as much baby fat as he would have had at forty weeks, he looks so healthy. His skin has an almost golden glow and is a little darker than her own. To top it all off, he has a full head of black hair that curls slightly. _Just like his father,_ she can't help thinking.

They will need to tell Miguel that Chris has been born. He was going to meet them today after all. But she doesn't want to ruin this moment. She's in her own world with her baby right now, just staring at him and taking in that he's really here and he's really hers.

It's almost noon and Elliot has left for a quick lunch with the girls before he'll bring them in to see Chris. She savors these precious first moments alone with her son. Until now, there had been people around them the whole time, checking on Chris, checking on her, explaining what she should expect over the next few weeks with regards to bleeding and discomfort, and explaining about breastfeeding and formula. And they've explained that they will want to see little Chris make a wet and dirty diaper before they will be released. She knows she wants her son to get his first feedings from her. It's what's best for him. She isn't sure yet if she'll want to continue breastfeeding him. It seems like a lot of hassle, especially once she'd go back to work.

Her son begins to fuss a little and she wonders what's wrong. The way his little nose scrunches up is really cute but he doesn't look content anymore. She really doesn't know him yet and she glances around to see if there is a nurse nearby. There is one other new mom roomed with her in the room in the maternity ward that holds four beds, but the other woman has been wheeled out in a wheelchair with her daughter for some tests, so Olivia is all alone. Little Chris is beginning to make sounds that seem to indicate he isn't happy and Olivia suddenly feels so insecure. She has no idea what to do. She has some trouble sitting up but manages to pick Chris up and place him on her chest. He makes soft sounds and Olivia doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. It's her son's voice.

"Hey hey little man, what's wrong?" she whispers softly, kissing his forehead.

He feels nice and warm but he's a little squirmy. She's actually relieved when Elliot comes in with the girls a few minutes later. Her eyes meet his and he is by her side immediately.

"You two okay?" he mumbles.

"Yeah. He's just a little restless."

"Maybe he's hungry. He's been out in the world for almost two hours after all."

Olivia closes her eyes and kisses the top of her son's head. Why hadn't she thought about that?

"Oooooh, he sooo cuuuuute," Kathleen coos, staring at little Chris. "And so tiny!"

"I didn't think he'd be so small," Elizabeth admits. "Was I that small too, daddy?"

She looks up at her father, who smiles.

"I think you and your brother were even smaller, Liz. You had to share the room in mom's tummy, remember?"

"Oh yeah. We were even smaller than him?"

Both girls are amazed and stare at the fussy little baby in her arms. Olivia looks up at Elliot, who nods and presses the call button for the nurse. Olivia is relieved when she comes in just then. The nurse is in her forties and breathes experience.

"Oh my, little baby Benson is hungry," she says right away, confirming Elliot's hunch. "Have they explained yet how you should hold him to make him latch on properly?"

"Uhm, no. Not yet," Olivia says demurely. She's not exactly in her element yet.

"Should we leave?" Elliot asks, but she shakes her head.

She doesn't mind the girls at all, and she'd like to have Elliot nearby so he can help her remember how to do this.

"I see your body is already responding to your son," the nurse tells her cheerfully, and Olivia is very surprised to see two wet stains appear in her clean shirt. "I think you should start using nursing pads. Do you have those in your bag?"

"She does actually," Elliot replies for her and for once, she doesn't mind him taking over for her.

Elliot quickly retrieves the pads, and the nurse helps Olivia put one in her bra on the left while they will try to start up the breastfeeding on the right. After some shifting and with the use of a pillow to support her right arm, soon Olivia is offering her breast to her son for the first time. How a baby knows what to do is beyond her, but sure enough, Chris tries to suckle immediately.

"I think they smell it," the nurse whispers in her ear with a grin. "Just push him into yourself a little further so he won't just suck on the end of your nipple. You really don't want that because it will damage your nipple."

The nurse supports Chris's head and pushes him against her breast a little further until his little face is almost buried against her. It's not as uncomfortable as Olivia had expected and she smiles when she feels her son beginning to drink. Her breast is responding to him indeed.

"It's working," she whispers, and she is in awe again.

The nurse replaces her own hand with Olivia's left hand behind her son's head and she cradles him against her body, his little arm tucked away underneath hers, while he drinks his mother's milk for the first time in his life. She completely forgets her surroundings and can't stop smiling. She doesn't even look up at the three Stablers by her bedside until she hears the click of a camera. She looks at Elliot and bites her lip.

"Thank you," she says softly.

She had completely forgotten to have pictures taken but Elliot hasn't. He has already captured some precious moments with the camera and nursing her son for the first time is definitely a precious moment.

The nurse stays in the room to monitor them, and after a while she checks if Chris is still actually drinking.

"He's sleeping," she tells the new mother, although he still seems to be suckling a little. "He shouldn't stay like this in his sleep. It's not good for your breast. Let me show you how to help him let go of you without hurting you."

It's all so new for Olivia but she tries to absorb everything. The nurse assures her she'll get the hang of it in no time, and her son will get stronger quickly too. She will check his diaper and will weigh him to determine how much milk he's gotten in his system. After that, she'll place him against Olivia's chest again so she can burp him. As soon as the nurse takes her son from her arms, she misses him and she can't believe the amount of love she feels for this little human being already.

After rearranging her bra and shirt she glances at Elliot and his daughters. She sees a sheen of tears in Elliot's eyes. He's been watching her and there is pride in his eyes. She knows he's holding back for the girls' sake but if they had been alone, he would have kissed her now. He is being her rock and if she wasn't yearning to hold her son again herself, she'd want Elliot to hold him next. When Chris is placed against her chest again, Elliot pulls up a chair to sit close to both of them, taking Elizabeth on one knee and Kathleen on the other.

The nurse leaves them after suggesting to Olivia that she write down on which side she's nursed Chris, so she will remember to start with the other side next time. She never would have thought of that, she admits, but the nurse tells her with a smile that her body will definitely let her know if she forgets a side. She realizes her left breast already feels a bit heavier than the right one but the first time nursing her son was such a special experience, that she knows now she will definitely wants to nurse him for a while. She pats her son gently on the back but he's sound asleep on her shoulder, now donning a little hat to go with his hospital baby outfit.

"Just look at him," Kathleen whispers. "So sweet."

"He is," Elliot hums and Elizabeth looks up at her father once more.

"I know you didn't make him with Olivia daddy, but will you be a daddy to him anyway?"

Elliot exchanges a quick glance with Olivia, who feels her heart rate pick up a little. The children don't know about the change in their relationship yet, but they are bound to catch on at some point.

"How would you feel about that, Lizzie? Would you still feel like I'm trading you guys in for a new family?" Elliot asks his daughter.

"Those were mom's words!" Kathleen interjects. "We know you wouldn't just abandon us dad."

"You're right. I wouldn't."

"Yeah. If it hadn't been for mom accusing you, you'd still be living with us."

Kathleen's words make both adults pause and Olivia can't help wondering what it would have been like in that alternative reality.

Elliot pulls his daughters a little tighter against him and rubs their upper arms lovingly. Olivia can see that he's searching for the right way to respond to Kathleen's remark. She hugs her son a little closer and finds herself waiting with baited breath for what he's going to say now, because she thinks it's true. He would still be with Kathy and not with her. Which makes her doubt once more if they are really doing the right thing.

Elliot clears his throat and she can tell that he is avoiding looking at her directly when he tells his girls,

"You know that things weren't great between your mom and me. It's been rough for a while."

Both girls nod and Elizabeth looks at Olivia.

"I think we would have ended our marriage eventually. Do you girls understand that?"

Now both girls glance at Olivia and she can't help thinking that they blame her somehow.

"I wish you were still living with us daddy," Elizabeth tells him honestly, and Olivia can see Elliot's heart break for his little girl. Now that she has Chris, she understands even better. She's only just met her little boy two hours ago but she knows already that she'd sacrifice everything for him. And Elliot has four kids to love like that. Her admiration for him grows even more, that he manages to function at all with such a huge responsibility on his shoulders.

Before Elliot can respond to Elizabeth's words, they all hear a chirping sound coming from Olivia's overnight bag. Elliot looks at her and she asks him silently if he would get her phone. He retrieves it quickly and looks at the screen before showing it to her. It's Miguel.

"I should take this," Olivia says, rubbing her cheek against the back of Chris's head.

She has no idea how Miguel is going to react but he deserves to know that his son has been born. The Stablers fall silent when she answers the call.

"Hi."

"Hi Olive. I hope I'm not disturbing you."

"Uhm, well …" Olivia says hesitantly.

She looks at Elliot, who is watching her intently.

"I'm sorry. Should I call back later?" Miguel offers immediately.

"No. No. It's fine. Actually, I have something to tell you."

Better get this over with quickly, she thinks.

"Okay, shoot," Miguel says and Olivia nods although he can't see her.

"I'm at the hospital. Got here early this morning because I went into labor."

Miguel is silent for a few moments and she can imagine his shock.

"Labor? So what now?" he asks.

"I'm holding my son right now. He was born a little after ten this morning."

"No shit!"

Olivia chuckles despite her nerves. If it hadn't been for the Stabler girls, she would have echoed his comment.

"Yeah. He's here already and he got a clean bill of health."

"Can I see him?"

She glances at Elliot again but they both know it's inevitable so she tells Miguel that he can, of course, come to see her baby. She gives him the details of the hospital and her room number and he tells her he and Luís will be right over.

"Okay. See you soon," she says quietly, but her stomach is doing somersaults.

She ends the call and hands the phone back to Elliot, who grazes her fingers with his own when he takes it. She knows it was intentional but she isn't sure how to respond. Kathleen is watching her now and finally asks her,

"Who was that? Are they coming over right now?"

"That was Chris's father," Olivia tells her, not knowing which other label she can give Miguel right now.

"Oh."

Kathleen frowns, mulling over this new information. Then Elizabeth pipes up again and asks her innocently,

"Will he be living with you guys too?"

…

 **To be continued. Reviews are life.**


	49. Fathers

**49\. Fathers**

Olivia feels quite uncomfortable. She knows it's a completely innocent question of a ten-year old, but how can she explain to Elizabeth that the man who fathered her child is not even in her life? For Liz, having children together is a logical consequence of love. She looks at Elliot and starts telling the girls,

"No. He won't be living with us. He lives in Florida. He just happens to be here on vacation in New York."

"Oh," Elizabeth says, but she clearly has more questions.

"I never planned to have a baby with Miguel," Olivia adds.

"Liz! They just had sex!" Kathleen says rather loudly, sounding almost annoyed at her little sister's ignorance.

Before Elliot can intervene and possibly tell his middle daughter to mind her language, Olivia decides to just be honest about it. Elizabeth is ten and surely she knows things by now.

"That's right. We met on vacation, we had sex and then we both went home. But when I found out I was having a baby, I really wanted to keep him."

Three pairs of blue eyes automatically focus on the beautiful baby boy on her shoulder again and there is a general consensus that hardly needs to be put into words. Elizabeth does so anyway when she mumbles,

"Of course you did."

Elliot smiles at Olivia and she rubs little Chris's back. He is still sleeping and is completely oblivious of what is going on around him.

"Yeah. Who wouldn't want him," he adds, and the tender tone of his voice brings tears to Olivia's eyes.

She's been warned about that. Women can get very emotional after giving birth, irrationally so, and she decides that must be what this is.

"So _you'll_ be his daddy," Elizabeth concludes, addressing her father. There is no accusation in her voice at all; just a simple deduction. "So can we call him our baby brother?"

Olivia swears those hormones are giving her a run for her money when a tear actually finds its way down her cheek. Elliot is the first to notice of course, and he reaches out a hand to gently catch the tear with his finger. When the girls see the emotion in Olivia's face, they quickly assure her that they hadn't meant to upset her in any way. Kathleen blames Elizabeth a little bit but once again, they are all distracted by a ringing phone. It's Elliot's this time and the girls hop off of his lap so he can stand up and walk away from Olivia's bed before taking the call.

"Hey Kathy."

"It's mom again," Kathleen sighs, rolling her eyes.

"She's called before?" Olivia asks, trying to gauge the nature of Elliot's phone call with his ex-wife.

Kathleen nods and sits down in the chair Elliot has just vacated, while Elizabeth stands at the foot of the bed, glancing at her father more than at Olivia at the moment.

"Yeah. She called my phone around nine, all upset that dad wasn't answering his. So I kind of had to tell her that he was with you in the delivery room."

"Oh."

"She wasn't super excited about it," the fifteen-year old adds dryly, and when Olivia bites her lip, she gives her a lopsided smile. "Said dad shouldn't have dragged us along and stuff like that. She didn't wanna hear that we wanted to be here."

"Wait till she hears Lizzie call Christopher her baby brother," Olivia muses, and Kathleen snorts.

"Oh right. That'll go over very well. But still … I mean … he's clearly not dad's, let's be honest."

Olivia's smile widens. She is completely and utterly in love with her tanned little man and loves everything about the way he looks. And as much as she would have loved for Elliot to be his father, she wouldn't change a thing about him.

"Wait till you see Miguel," Olivia tells Kathleen and the girl grins.

"I bet he's a dead ringer for little Chris."

"Well, I'm sure there something of me in him as well, but it's pretty hard to miss that he had something to do with it."

They both chuckle and Olivia can only hope that they're not making Elizabeth uncomfortable. She can't really determine how weird it is for the young girl that two people can have sex and even a child without being in love with each other. But Elizabeth is clearly trying to catch the gist of her parents' heated phone call and doesn't pay much attention to her conversation with Kathleen.

Elliot and Kathy seem to be going back and forth about something and the way Elliot abruptly hangs up on her indicates that Kathy has won this particular discussion.

"What is it daddy?" Elizabeth asks, suddenly sounding younger than her ten years.

"Mom is coming here to get you girls and take you home."

Elliot's eyes find Olivia's and she doesn't know how to respond. She doesn't want Kathy here. She wants to enjoy her son and go over the basic baby stuff again with the staff before they are sent home. She wants to focus on motherhood and not on all the drama that comes with Kathy these days. She's tense enough that Miguel is coming over and she doesn't need any more stress after the night and day she's had.

"I told her it would be no problem at all to drive them home later but she was pretty adamant. She says she has a right to see the child that …"

"That ruined her marriage," Olivia finishes for him.

"I'm sorry Liv."

Kathleen stands up, looking between the two of them and makes room for her father to sit with Olivia again. He reaches for her hand and she lets him take it, squeezing his hand gently. Baby Chris stirs a bit and Elliot tilts his head to look at the boy's face.

"He's amazing. He didn't ruin anything Liv. You know that, right? We've talked about this."

Olivia nods and kisses the back of her son's head. He's her little miracle and without realizing it and most certainly without planning it, her son is giving her everything she ever wanted. A child of her own as well as the man she loves.

"I'll tell her not to bother you or Christopher."

"Thank you."

Olivia stifles an unexpected yawn and Elliot stands up and turns to face his daughters.

"Alright. Mom's coming over to get you girls back to Queens and I think Olivia needs a nap. How about we leave her alone for a little bit while we wait for mom?"

"But I left my things at your place dad," Elizabeth says, sounding very unhappy.

"Me too," Kathleen adds. "We didn't think we weren't coming back there."

"I'll see to it that your things get to Queens as well. Promise."

"But why?"

While they talk, Elliot ushers the girls out of the room and Olivia takes a deep breath, breathing it out slowly once she is alone again. She closes her eyes and tries to block out everything else for just a few minutes. Part of her wishes Chris would wake up again for his next feeding. Feeding her son had made her turn inward completely, until there was nobody but her and him in her little world. She will need to get used to Chris being separate from her now, no longer safely tucked away inside of her. He's out in the big world now and she won't be able to protect him from everything anymore. But when she nurses him, they are once again connected and it's a miraculous feeling. She hadn't expected to feel this way about breastfeeding but how could she have known what it would be like?

Olivia feels herself getting sleepy and pushes the remote to lower the bed a little so she isn't sitting completely upright anymore. She doesn't want to let go of Chris but she doesn't want to drop him either, if she does fall asleep. They relax together and Olivia whispers sweet words to her sleeping son while she drifts off as well.

…

A gentle hand on her shoulder wakes her up. Before she is even aware who is waking her, she checks that she is still holding her child. It must be her maternal instincts kicking in. Once she realizes Chris is still comfortably sleeping on her chest, she looks up to see Elliot looking back at them.

"Hey," she says, her voice a little groggy from sleep.

"Hey. You have company," Elliot replies, and he steps aside so she can see the two men waiting by the door.

Miguel and Luís.

Olivia wants to sit up and looks at Elliot again.

"Could you …"

"Of course."

Elliot grabs the remote and adjusts her bed while Olivia runs a hand through her hair.

"Hi guys," she finally greets both men. "Come on in."

Both men enter the room and glance at the sleeping woman in the bed across from Olivia before standing at the foot of her bed, staring at her and her baby.

She feels clammy and wonders how horrible she must look after a night of no sleep and a daytime nap of God knows how long or short. She has no idea what time it is. As if reading her mind, Elliot tells her,

"It's one thirty. Kathy will be here shortly too. I'll leave you three to talk, is that okay?"

Olivia would much prefer Elliot staying while Miguel visits, but she has no desire to be confronted with an angry Kathy, so she nods.

"Oh El," she says, stopping him just before he walks off. "Could you check Chris's diaper for me? I think he's starting to wake up."

Elliot's face lights up and Olivia bites her lip. She knows how much it means to him that he gets to be the first person aside from her and the hospital staff to hold her son. It means a lot to her as well. She doesn't know if Miguel will want to hold the child he fathered with her, but as hard as it is for her to let Chris go, she wants Elliot to hold him first.

"Of course," Elliot replies, clearly attempting to sound casual, but they exchange a telling look when he leans over her to lift her baby off her chest.

Little Chris seems even smaller now that he is being carried by Elliot's big hands and he makes a soft sound, indicating he is indeed waking up.

"Hey there little man," Elliot coos softly, and just before walking off to the changing table with him, he mouths 'thank you' to Olivia. Olivia just smiles at him, her eyes hopefully conveying what she can't put into words in front of Miguel and Luís.

She finally focuses on the man she should thank for giving her this amazing gift. She smiles at him, seeing the apprehension in his face.

"Hi again," she says softly, running her hand through her hair once more.

"Hey Olive. Congratulations," Miguel says, nodding as if he agrees with himself that was the right thing to say. "I got you something."

He pulls a blue teddy bear from behind his back and holds it out to her a little clumsily.

"Thank you Miguel."

She takes the bear from his hand and strokes it's soft fur.

"I'm sure he'll love it."

"Tell him his dad got it for him once he's old enough to understand?"

She looks up at him and glances at Luís, who is apparently just there for silent moral support, and wonders if Miguel's choice of words means what she think it means. He won't be around?

"I will. Of course I will," she nods.

"He seems to know what he's doing," Miguel remarks, nodding in Elliot's direction.

Elliot is talking softly, soothingly to her son while changing his tiny diaper.

"He has four kids of his own so I'm sure this isn't new for him," Olivia agrees. "He's an amazing father."

"That's good Olive. I'm glad. So. How are you feeling?" Miguel asks, finally standing close enough to her to put a hand on her hand on top of the covers. "Did everything go okay?"

She nods again.

"Yeah. It was painful but that was to be expected. They say it went rather quickly. We got here around five forty-five this morning and Chris was born a little after ten. I had some contractions afterwards but those were nothing compared to the ones that pushed him out."

"Chris?"

Olivia takes a breath. The man doesn't even know the name of his own child.

"Yes. We named him Christopher Donovan Benson."

"That's a strong name Olive. I like it."

"He was named after two soccer players, because he's suck a kicker," she explains.

Just then, Elliot picks Chris up again and carries him back to her, holding him in his big arms and kissing his forehead before stopping at her bedside. He smiles at her and she knows he is a little tense because Miguel is here and Kathy is on her way. She's tense herself and she's so glad Elliot is here.

"Can you take him again? I need to uh …" Elliot says, nodding in the direction of the hallway.

"Yeah. Sure. Thank you El."

Olivia plucks at her clammy shirt to give her skin some air before Chris is in her arms again. She and her son are a rather hot couple, literally, these first hours after his birth. Chris's eyes are now open and she wonders if he'll be hungry again soon. She doesn't really feel comfortable feeding him in front of Miguel and cousin Luís but seeing his eyes completely open makes her focus on her baby boy completely once more. She places him in her lap so that he's lying in the dip between her legs. That way, they can all take a good look at him.

"Hey there Chris. Welcome in the big bright world," she tells her son softly.

He is blinking, getting used to the light around him and has the most adorable frown. One of his hands is balled into a little fist that he knocks against his own cheek. The feeling seems to surprise him and she can't help but chuckle. His movements are far from coordinated at this point. He has everything still ahead of him, a blank slate of a human being. She feels honored to be allowed to be his mother and to fill in some of the shapes and colors for him.

She looks up at Miguel and his cousin and invites them to come closer to admire Chris. Luís stands on her right side, while Miguel stands on her left. Both men seem hesitant and Luís is the first to speak up.

"He's so small."

"He's a few hours old," Olivia says with a smile. "What did you expect?"

Luís shrugs.

"Something bigger I guess. Like a kid that you can sit in your lap and he'll just sit. This one … he's gonna fall off."

Olivia smiles and looks at her wide-awake son again.

"You just gotta hold him right. But he will get bigger soon and he'll be able to sit."

"Before you know it he'll be running around the house, destroying stuff," Miguel adds.

Olivia looks up at him and sees him shake his head lightly. He is studying the child but is keeping his distance. She fixes her gaze on her son once more and swallows hard before she asks him bravely,

"Would you like to hold him?"

She doesn't look at him while waiting for his answer but when she hears a soft 'no', she looks up.

"No?"

Miguel shakes his head lightly.

"If we could just take a picture of Miguel being here," Luís pipes up. "So if the boy ever wants to find him, he'll know that his dad came to see him when he was born."

"Yeah. I don't want him to think I didn't care," Miguel confirms, but he still makes no move to touch his child.

"Well, I guess that's fine," Olivia says.

She picks Chris up and cradles him in her left arm. Miguel drags a chair over and sits on her left side, and sits up so their faces are at about the same height. He drapes his arm lightly around her shoulders. Luís takes a step back and points his camera at them to snap a few pictures. Olivia tries to smile but her heart rate is picking up a little. This feels like a family portrait ...

Behind Luís, the door to the room suddenly swings open, revealing a very flustered Kathy, with both Dickie and Elliot in tow. Luís turns around to look behind him and moves aside when he sees they have company. The small group stops just inside the room.

"Who's that!" Kathy hisses, her eyes flitting from Olivia to the child in her arms to the man sitting so close to her.

"That's Miguel. The baby's biological father," Elliot tells her.

Kathy's eyes widen and keep moving between the baby and the man. Olivia holds her son a little tighter, wanting to shield him from the less pleasant parts of life just a little longer, and Miguel seems to realize this woman who has just come in does not have good intentions. He pulls Olivia into him protectively and however awkward the moment is, she appreciates the gesture. Dickie takes a few steps into the room, his eyes glued to the small face of the newborn in Olivia's arms. He starts shaking his head, and Olivia can see pain in the young boys eyes, that is swiftly replaced with anger. _Just like his father._

The ten-year old whips around to face his mother and doesn't hold back when he yells at her,

"You LIED to me!"

…

 **Dun dun …**

 **To be continued.**


	50. Everybody's day

**Alright, I think a little recap is in order before I continue. Several readers have asked me what exactly Kathy lied about to her son Dickie. I know this story is getting long (sorry!) so details may be forgotten along the way. This is where we are now:**

 **Olivia had a fling on vacation with a younger man, Miguel, and has gotten pregnant unexpectedly. A few people immediately assumed Elliot was the father of her child, including Kathy. This accusation was the final straw for Elliot, who decided that he couldn't stay in his marriage anymore when there was no trust. (This had been an issue between Kathy and him for a long time.) Kathy, who has been self-medicating to battle depression and paranoia, maintains until now that Elliot is the baby's father and has tried to convince her four children that their dad has left them to start a new family with Olivia. The three girls have come around but Dickie has stood by his mother until now. Mothers and sons, it's a special thing - just like fathers and daughters for that matter.**

 **Seeing Olivia and Miguel together with their mixed-race baby, it finally hits both Kathy and Dickie that they were wrong, and this is why Dickie yells at his mom:**

" _ **You LIED to me!"**_

...

 **50\. Everybody's day**

" _You LIED to me!"_

Both Elliot and Luís approach the boy quickly and try to shush him because of the two new mothers and babies in the room. They are in a hospital after all. Miguel stays close to Olivia, rubbing her back soothingly while she holds baby Chris close to her chest. Her son is becoming a little restless and she hopes he isn't picking up on the animosity in the room.

Elliot grasps his son's arm lightly but Dickie yanks it away, still staring angrily at his mother.

"You said they were lying but it was _you_. You lied to me about _everything!_ " he says vehemently, and his young voice cracks with emotion.

His hands are balled into fists and it's uncanny how much he resembles his father right now. When Elliot puts a hand on his shoulder gently, the ten-year old breaks and he starts to cry. He's trying to stand tall anyway but his shoulders start shaking. Elliot squeezes his shoulder and Dickie looks up at him, tears running down his cheeks. Olivia can't see Dickie's eyes, only his profile, but she can see Elliot's and there is only love and understanding in his eyes, as well as pain over his son's pain. Of course he won't blame Dickie for any of this. He's just a child caught up in a situation that isn't his fault at all. No child should ever have to choose between their parents and Olivia's heart breaks a little for both Dickie and Elliot. When Elliot pulls his son closer, Dickie almost jumps into his arms. The two Stabler men hold each other tightly, Elliot bowing down over his son, and Olivia can't stop her own chin from trembling at the moving scene unfolding in front of her. Miguel is still rubbing her back gently and she knows she'll have to explain the situation to him later. But not now. The are witnessing the reunion between Elliot and his son and it's a beautiful thing to see.

Behind them, Kathy has retreated until her back hit the door frame. She's shaking and fumbling to find something in her purse. Olivia thinks she's popping two pills into her mouth and wonders if she has her medication under control now. Little Chris starts to fuss even more in her arms and she knows that she will need to focus on her son again at some point. Her breasts are beginning to tingle, responding to the sounds Chris is making. He must be hungry again.

When she hears Elliot talking softly to Dickie, who is still hiccuping a little bit, she looks up at him, and he's looking at her.

"We're gonna take this outside. Are you going to be okay?" he asks her.

Olivia nods.

"Yeah. I think Chris is hungry again. I'll be fine."

Elliot glances from her to Miguel and back to her.

"It's okay," she tells him once more.

Under Elliot's arm, she can see Dickie's reddened face and his sad eyes and she smiles at the young boy.

"We'll chat later, alright Dickie?"

Dickie nods and wipes his nose, then lets his father lead him out of the room. Elliot thanks Luís for his help and then ushers Kathy out before closing the door behind them.

"Wow," the woman in the other bed says, "that's some drama to wake up to."

Olivia starts to apologize immediately but the woman waves it off. She's a sturdy woman who gave birth to her daughter the night before.

"It's alright. I should get ready anyway. My husband is picking us up shortly."

"You get to go home?" Olivia asks.

"Yep. Clean bill of health for both of us. This little treasure is our third child and our first daughter."

"What's her name?"

"Laura. She's our little miracle."

The woman smiles and puts her hand on the sleeping baby in the hospital bassinet next to her bed. She looks at Olivia again and explains,

"Our boys are eight and ten and we never expected to get pregnant again after all this time. I'm almost forty now but look at her. She's perfect."

Olivia smiles and Luís walks over to the little girl to admire her.

"Wow. She's a lot bigger than Christopher over there," he remarks.

"Yeah, he's a tiny one. But don't worry. That just means he's gonna be feisty. The little ones want to grow big as quickly as possible."

"Speaking of which," Olivia says, changing Chris's position once again because he's squirming.

"Told ya. He wants to eat to grow big," the woman says with a grin.

Olivia asks Miguel to prop up a pillow underneath her left arm so she can lean on it while she nurses Chris again. Both men offer to leave while she feeds her son and although she assures them it's no problem, they insist on leaving her alone for a while.

"I'll go look for Elliot," Miguel tells her before they leave the room.

Olivia has to admit that she does welcome the silence that drapes over both women and their babies once the door closes. She manages to get Chris in the right position and he makes eager sounds while he latches on. His eyes start drooping immediately after he starts drinking and are closed within a few seconds, his little hand resting softly on her skin. Olivia smiles down at him, still marveling at this special connection they share. She's going to miss carrying him around inside her womb and she hadn't expected that at all. She finds herself still waiting to feel him move inside her but holding him like this and feeding him with her own body does make up for it. Despite all the drama around them, they are in their own word again for the moment and she is determined to enjoy it.

…

She must have dozed off again. The friendly voice of the nurse wakes her up, telling her that she needs to check Chris again. Olivia blinks a few times and then looks down at her son, who is still latched on to her breast. They have both fallen asleep. She can't believe she has managed to block out all the drama from before like that, but she had started getting sleepy the instant Chris started to drink.

She lets the nurse take Chris and wonders how long she's been out and where everybody is. The other woman is sitting in a wheelchair, fully clothed with her daughter in her lap and smiles at the man who comes into the room. They say goodbye and then it's just Olivia and Chris and the nurse.

"This is good," the nurse tells her when she returns with her son. "Look what I found in his diaper."

She shows Olivia the diaper, that contains a black, sticky substance. Her son's first poop. Who could have thought that Olivia Benson would be touched when seeing baby poop? But she is. It is a sign that his little body is functioning properly and she hopes it will mean that they will be going home soon, just like baby Laura and her mother.

The nurse checks with her if she's been briefed on everything she needs to know before taking her son home and Olivia has to admit she has forgotten several details already. The nurse assures her that it's all in the documentation she's getting upon release. After handing Chris back to her, she leaves to ask the Doctor to check Chris one last time before they will decide if they will be released. Olivia hopes they won't have to spend the night at the hospital.

When the nurse leaves, Elliot comes back into the room quietly, closing the door behind him. Olivia is glad to see him and she's eager to know what has happened between him and Dickie and Kathy.

"Hey, were you able to rest a little?" Elliot asks her as he sits down on the edge of her bed.

"Yeah. And Chris made a dirty diaper so I think we're going home soon," she tells him.

"That's great," Elliot says with a smile, but it's a tired smile. He caresses Chris's cheek with the back of his finger and then drops his hand to Olivia's thigh as if it's too heavy to lift suddenly.

"Talk to me," she tells him softly but he shakes his head.

"No. This is your time with Chris. It's your day, Liv."

She can't help chuckling a little.

"Well, it seems to be everybody's day."

"That's what I mean. We should just focus on getting you and the baby home safely and check that we have everything we need."

"But where is everybody?" Olivia asks.

"I sent Kathy away with the girls. She was acting like an idiot and I told her she was going nowhere near you today. I don't know what she would want to say to you but she finally sees that I'm not your baby's father. She should let that sink in for a while."

"I saw her take some pills," Olivia tells him.

"Doesn't surprise me. Kathleen assures me she can handle it and she's getting the neighbor as soon as they get home. I called Maureen too and she's on her way over. She says she'd rather come over to see the baby though."

"El. You should go too. You can't put this all on the girls."

"And leave you alone? No way. I'm going to wait for the Doctor's verdict and if you're getting released, we're getting you two home first. I'll go over there tonight. I just have one request."

"Anything," Olivia blurts out and she means it.

"Can Dickie come home with us? He refuses to go home with Kathy."

Olivia drops her head back against her pillow and closes her eyes, a half smile on her lips. She should have known. It's that Stabler stubbornness she knows only too well. There is no middle ground for Stabler men. It's all or nothing, black or white. Dickie has made a complete one-eighty and as fiercely as he had supported his mother, he is now in his father's corner. She's happy for Elliot and understands their need to spend more time together.

"Of course he can come with us. Is that even a question?"

Elliot shrugs and rubs her thigh.

"I know this isn't how you had imagined this day and I'm sorry."

Olivia just smiles and rubs her baby's back. Dickie was once _his_ little boy and she gets it.

"Don't worry about any of us, okay Liv? Just worry about yourself and this little guy here," Elliot adds.

He caresses Chris's cheek again and smiles softly. Olivia reaches up to squeeze his hand and smiles at him.

"Okay. I will. Just one more question."

"Go ahead," Elliot says, dropping his hand once more.

"Where's Miguel?"

"He's waiting outside. He didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to you."

"He's leaving?"

"Yeah. Or … do you want him to stay?"

Olivia really doesn't know what she had expected. She can't imagine Miguel not feeling anything now that he's seen his child but he hasn't even touched him so far. The teddy bear is cute and the fact that he wanted to take pictures tells her that it all does mean something to him, but still. It looks like he is genuinely not ready to be a father. She knows she should be relieved but being completely in love with her child already, she just doesn't understand why Miguel wouldn't be. She feels very conflicted about it.

Elliot seems to interpret her hesitation in his own way and stands up.

"You're right. He's the father after all. I'll go get him," Elliot says curtly.

He seems tense and Olivia reaches for his hand but he's already out of reach, heading for the door.

"El …"

"It's okay Liv," he waves her off and then he's out in the hallway.

Before she can even try to think of something to do, like maybe get up out of bed, the door opens again and Miguel pops his head in.

"Hey Olive. I just wanted to say goodbye. Luís and I are heading out."

"Oh. Okay."

She drops her head back again and watches as both men come into the room and approach her slowly, just like the first time they had come in earlier.

"He really is a cute kid," Miguel says hesitantly.

"He is. I'm in love already," Olivia tells him, trying to gauge his reaction.

"That's good. That's very good," Miguel nods. "I'm sure you'll be the best momma to him that he could wish for."

"Will you be around?" Olivia asks Miguel.

He starts shaking his head almost instantly.

"No Olive. You know that I'm not ready for this and we … we never planned on being anything more than holiday lovers, right? I don't wanna get in your way or Elliot's. You got a good man there. I just want you to know that I do wanna pay some. It shouldn't be all on you two."

"You don't have to, Miguel."

"I know. But I want to. Like I said, I won't win any father of the year awards, but he's my responsibility too, even if I won't be looking after him. So helping you pay for stuff is the least I can do. And if you won't accept it now, I'll just save it up and you can use it for when he goes to college or something. Just know that it'll be there if you need it, alright?"

Olivia doesn't know what to say. Miguel is offering her a dream scenario. He won't be in their lives but he wants to shoulder the financial burden with her anyway. Having five children under their combined care, any assistance would be welcome to her and Elliot for sure.

"I'll talk to Elliot about it," Olivia promises him.

Miguel seems satisfied with her answer for now.

"I gave him my details for the birth certificate too," he tells her as if it's no big deal, but it opens up a whole new set of questions for her. And then Miguel surprises her one last time when he adds,

"You decide if you wanna use them or not, okay?"

Olivia bites her lip and nods while his words sink in. He's actually going to leave it up to her what they will put in Chris's birth certificate. He's handing her all the controls, basically handing her full custody of Chris by default. She whispers a soft 'thank you', not knowing what else to tell him. It's another thing she will need to talk to Elliot about.

Miguel approaches her and leans over to give her a chaste kiss on her forehead.

"You take care of yourself, alright?" he tells her, and she nods again.

"You too."

Luís shakes her hand and says goodbye as well, and both men leave, leaving her a little stunned and with a lot to think about.

...

 **To be continued**


	51. Dickie

**Dear all, I know it's been a while and there won't be a huge development in this chapter, but it does move the story a little further towards where I want it to go next. I kind of enjoy weaving my own 'first time mom' experiences into this story, so here is some more of that :)  
I have a few chapters in store for you yet before we wrap up so stay tuned for more.**

...

 **51\. Dickie**

They're home.

It had taken another two hours before they'd finally received their release papers. The doctor had wanted to see Olivia on her feet first and using the restroom. Olivia knows now that the burning sensation she feels while she uses the toilet is perfectly normal but should become less over time, and that the bigger blood clots are normal as well. They may keep coming for several weeks and as long as it's not thin, bright red blood, there is nothing to be concerned about. It's good to know these things because the bleeding is much more extensive than she had expected. They've picked up several packs of almost diaper-sized sanitary napkins at the hospital and Dickie had had a mortified look on his face when he'd been tasked with carrying them to the car. But he'd done it nonetheless, feeling that he had a lot to make up for.

Olivia is now in her own bedroom, with Chris's crib situated next to her own bed. She knows he will need to move to his own room eventually, but for now she wants him close. It's practical with the nightly feedings. Her son is sleeping once again and she is looking forward to following his example. Elliot is having some alone time with his own son and has promised her they'll leave some dinner for her if she sleeps for a long time, and that he won't leave for Queens without telling her.

After admiring her son one last time and making sure he is warm enough, she sits down gingerly and scoots into bed. Giving birth hadn't been a party but she knows now that in the end, being able to hold a brand-new human being in her arms is worth all the pain of labor. She will just need to find a way to deal with this new pain that is gnawing at her: the fear that something may happen to her son one day. It is a parent's fate and it gives her new insights into all the parents she's had to deal with on the job. She knows she won't be able to protect Chris from everything, but she's determined to do all that she can to make sure he has a good and happy childhood, and will grow into a strong, balanced man one day, capable of making his own decisions and owning them. She will do her best to be a good mother and the most important thing will be to love her child unconditionally. The loving is the easy part as far as she's concerned.

Olivia rolls onto her back and smiles. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She stares up at the ceiling of the darkened room and thinks about the choices she's made. Keeping her baby. Telling Elliot and the others. Facing Elliot's kids. Facing Kathy and supporting Elliot by getting this apartment with him. Acknowledging her feelings for her partner at long last. Telling Miguel.

Telling Miguel had been the hardest part of all and now here she is, alone with her child with a birth certificate that states: mother: Olivia Margaret Benson; father: Miguel José Ortega.

She won't live a lie and she won't have little Chris's life start out with a lie. His father is not unknown like hers. When he grows up, he won't have to leave one half blank when he has to fill out forms. He will know where he came from and she won't keep any secrets from him. It still terrifies her sometimes but she knows it's the right thing to do.

Olivia hears Elliot and Dickie talk quietly in the living room and she smiles again. It's been a bumpy ride for both of them but in the end, they're still father and son. She wonders if Elliot will tell him about the change in his relationship with his partner now, or if he'll want to wait a little longer before breaking it to the kids. They have a lot to deal with, seeing their mother lose control every once in a while. Maybe it's better to wait a while longer. She has Chris to take care of now after all. Elliot will come second for a while, whether they like it or not.

The low hum of Elliot's voice is soothing even if she can't make out what he's saying, and it finally lulls her to sleep.

…

A hand on her shoulder wakes her up and she is disoriented for a few moments. Then she hears soft wails coming from the crib. Her son needs her!

Olivia tries to sit up quickly but Elliot stops her.

"Whoa whoa, easy Liv," he says softly. "He's okay."

"I can't believe I didn't hear him," she mumbles. "What kind of mother am I?"

Elliot chuckles.

"A tired one."

"Right."

"You just sit up - slowly - and I'll get him for you. Is that okay?"

Olivia nods and starts the challenge of sitting up. Her lower half feels like it's been used as a punching bag and she grits her teeth as she scoots back so she can lean against her pillows. She watches Elliot lift Chris from his bed carefully. He looks so tiny in Elliot's big hands and she can't stop looking at her son. It's getting easier to nurse him after the first few tries and she closes her eyes contently for a moment when she feels her son start to drink. Her breasts are beginning to feel tighter and letting him drink is a relief.

Elliot sits with her for a minute and then taps her leg.

"There's a plate of food for you in the microwave if you're hungry. I'm going to take Dickie home in a minute but he wants to say something to you first. Can he come in?"

Olivia nods. She doesn't want the ten-year old to feel guilty about his behavior and hopes she can reassure him that she doesn't hold anything against him. Elliot leaves and comes back into the bedroom with his son half a minute later. Dickie looks down at the floor first until she says his name.

"Dickie. Come and sit with me."

He glances up at her, lets his eyes fall to the baby in her arms and then he looks up at her again.

"Doesn't that hurt?" he asks, and Olivia smiles.

"Not at all."

Dickie approaches her and sits down a little awkwardly on the bed.

"You had something to say to Olivia, didn't you, Dickie?" Elliot encourages his son.

He's standing in the doorway of the room, giving his son space but standing guard from a distance nonetheless.

Dickie nods and looks down at his hands in his lap.

"Yeah. I uh …"

Olivia feels for the young boy but she knows she has to let him finish. Chris makes a soft sound as he drinks and she looks down at her little boy.

"He's really cute. For a baby at least."

Dickie's words make her smile and she touches Chris's dark hairs gently.

"And I can tell he's not my brother."

She bites her lip, still looking at her beautiful tanned child.

"I guess having a little brother would've been cool."

That makes her look up at Dickie again. The boy is smiling hesitantly now.

"I'm really sorry for the stuff I said, Olivia."

"Thank you, Dickie."

Dickie nods, pressing his lips together.

"I told dad too. I'm sorry that I didn't believe him. Or you."

"It's okay Dickie. I understand."

Dickie shakes his head and she thinks again how much he looks like his father sometimes.

"No. It's not okay. Mom did this. And I shouldn't have believed her."

Elliot pushes himself off the door frame and takes two steps into the room.

"I already told you, son. Your mother thought she was right. She really believed it herself. We don't blame you for believing her."

"I should have talked to you dad," Dickie says, and his voice breaks a little. "I just wanted to be strong for mom you know. To help her."

"That's great Dickie," Olivia says quietly. "I can only hope that my son will stand up for me like that when he grows up."

Dickie bobs his head, looking down at his hands again. Elliot sits down on the foot of the bed, next to Dickie.

"You can still help your mom, Dickie," he tells his son while putting a hand on they boy's knee. "She knows now that she was wrong and she's going to need all the help she can get, from all of us."

"Aren't you like really mad at her dad?" Dickie asks him.

Elliot glances at Olivia over Dickie's head, and somehow, Olivia is a little anxious to hear Elliot's answer. Will things change between him and Kathy now that she knows he was never unfaithful to her? Will things change between him and her now?

"I was mad at first, because she didn't trust me. It was really frustrating. But now? I think we have to try and fix whatever we can, so you and your sisters won't feel like you have to pick a side anymore. Does that make sense to you, Dickie?"

"I guess," the boy says, shrugging. "But I still hate her for what she's done. To you and all of us, and even Olivia. And she never did anything."

He gestures at Olivia, who bites her lip when she hears Dickie vocalize that she's been absolved of any wrongdoing. It means a lot to her and when the Stablers get up to leave a few minutes later, she reaches for Dickie to give him a one-armed hug.

"We're okay now, right Olivia?" Dickie mumbles in her hair.

Olivia pulls back and looks into his eyes, and assures him,

"We're okay now."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

Elliot leads Dickie out of the room and glances at her over his shoulder.

"I'll be back soon," he says quietly and she nods, and then she is alone with her son once more.

…

It's a challenge to get up out of bed and carry her son to the nursery to change his diaper. Olivia feels like she's moving in slow motion but she's proud of herself for doing it on her own. The doctor had assured her that she can walk around and do whatever she feels she can handle. Just not too much in one go without resting, but she should feel herself getting stronger after just a few days.

After changing Chris's diaper and dropping a dozen small kisses on his belly, she redresses him and puts him in his crib again. She's relieved when she sees him doze off almost instantly and hobbles to the kitchen, leaving her bedroom door ajar. She's finally hungry, which is a first since Chris had been born this morning. She powers up the microwave and after two minutes, she sits down gingerly at the dinner table to eat.

While she eats her pasta, her mind drifts back to Dickie and Elliot and their conversation. Elliot doesn't want his kids to feel like they have to choose between their father and their mother anymore. He wants to fix whatever he can. What does that mean? Could he be contemplating going back to his family? Olivia feels her chest constrict suddenly when a realization hits her. Could _that_ have been the reason he wouldn't have sex with her? Had he still been hoping for a reconciliation with his wife once she'd see that her baby wasn't his? Was that why she'd felt him distance himself from her at the hospital?

Her mind is spinning suddenly and she shoves her plate away so she can rest her arms on the table, and her head on her arms. This is no time to become anxious. She's home alone with her newborn baby. She is responsible for him. It isn't just about her anymore.

Olivia tries to pull herself together but her restless mind won't leave her alone. He had barely touched her since the birth, except for right afterwards when they had first laid eyes on little Chris. They had felt like proud parents then, but she doesn't think he's even kissed her once since. Her memories of those first few hours are blurry but the more she thinks about it, the more certain she becomes that Elliot had indeed pulled away from her. And now he's off to Queens to be with his family. To support them like he always has. To fix whatever he can. Olivia uses the bathroom, cleans herself up and heads back to bed, but her restless thoughts won't let her sleep. By the time Elliot comes back, she has convinced herself that he is going to leave her and go back to his wife.

…

 **To be continued ...**


	52. First night

**52\. First night**

Olivia is in her bed, wide awake, when she hears the front door. Elliot's home. It's almost midnight and she had tried to get some sleep, but to no avail. Chris is sleeping soundly, passed out after his last meal and she hears Elliot walk around the apartment, switching off most of the lights she had left on for him. She hears him walk into his bedroom, probably to change or grab something, and then he walks to the bathroom. She listens for the shower and can't wait for him to join her. She needs him now, to tell her she won't have to do it all alone. Even if he is going to try to make his marriage with Kathy work once more … she bites her lip and feels fresh tears well up behind her closed eyelids. She had never meant to become so dependent on him. They were just supposed to help each other out with the apartment. But she's allowed her feelings for her partner to come to the surface, encouraged to do so by said partner himself. Why had he done that, when he had no intention to see things through with her? When he was still hoping to 'fix whatever he can' with Kathy like he's said?

She lies very still when she hears Elliot emerge from the bathroom and pad back towards the bedrooms. She hears him stop outside her door and after a few moments, the door to his bedroom closes. And then … nothing. Olivia frowns. He isn't coming back out of his room? She hears a soft scraping sound against the wall and she realizes that Elliot has just climbed into bed in his own room. He isn't going to join her.

It's enough to make her tears spill over and she presses a hand against her mouth to suppress any sound she might make. She doesn't want to wake her son and she doesn't want Elliot to hear her. It's obvious now and she needs to face it. It's just her and Chris against the world. Just the two of them.

And they'll be fine. They'll be just fine, she tells herself, over and over again while she cries silently. It's almost a relief to hear her little boy wake up again after a while. Tending to him makes her feel less alone. He doesn't strike her as hungry this time, just in need of company. God knows she needs it too and she places him next to her in the big bed. She lies on her side and cradles her son against her with one arm, covering him with just her sheet, so her comforter won't suffocate him.

She watches his face as the baby relaxes next to her and kisses his cheek softly.

"We're gonna be just fine Chris. Just you and me," she whispers, knowing she's really talking to herself. "We don't need anyone else, do we? We'll be just fine."

…

It's still dark outside when Chris demands Olivia's attention again. His soft wails are more focused now and she knows he's hungry. And wet, she soon finds when she lifts him in her lap. He's a good drinker and she hadn't changed his diaper after last time. Lesson learned, she thinks. She nurses him first, planning to change him afterwards but as before, her eyes droop closed as soon as Chris is drinking. It's almost as if her son is sucking all of the energy out of her, and she didn't have a lot of energy to begin with. She hasn't slept much and thinks she needs to go to the bathroom herself soon.

Her eyes snap open when she hears a soft knock on the door. Her stomach clenches and she clears her throat before answering,

"Yes?"

"Liv? Everything alright in there?"

"Yes," she says again, looking down at her child. They're fine. She can manage on her own.

"Can I come in?"

She bites her lip and hopes the emotions of the long night don't show on her face anymore.

"Okay."

Elliot opens the door and shuts it behind him quietly before walking up to the bed.

"Hey. How are you guys doing?"

"We made it through our first night," Olivia answers. "But he's wet."

"You didn't change his diaper?"

Olivia takes a breath before answering. This isn't the right time to snap at her partner. Not while she's feeding her son.

"I'm a first time mom, alright?" she manages to say softly, but her voice is terse.

"I know that," Elliot acknowledges. "It was just a question. Did you get any sleep?"

Olivia sighs and shakes her head. She feels like screaming but she can't. Not with Chris still drinking quietly. He's so cute when he drinks, his little fist resting on her breast while his jaw and tongue are working hard.

Elliot sits down next to her on the bed and says softly,

"I'm sorry."

Olivia glances at Elliot, wondering what he is apologizing for. No. Not wondering. Actually, she's telling herself what he is apologizing for. For leading her on. For making her believe that they had a future together. For running back to his wife now that she believes him at last. For distancing himself from her by moving back to his own room. For ending things before they had even really begun.

Only they had begun for her. She had started to believe that there was actually a chance for her. That her child would have Elliot in his life as a real father, not just a father figure or a male role model. And that he would be hers at last. She'd had a taste of him now and it's almost too much to bear, knowing she has just lost it all.

Elliot is apologizing and she doesn't know how to respond. It just hurts too much and the pain makes her clam up, just like pain has always made her clam up. It's not just about her anymore now. She has a child to protect and he needs to come first now, no matter what. She needs to be strong for him.

"I had hoped you'd get some rest but I guess Chris here kept you up most of the night."

Elliot touches the back of Chris's little fist with his fingertip and the baby flexes his tiny fingers at the sensation.

"Would you look at that," Elliot says, in awe of what he's seeing. "Next think you know, he's gonna grab my finger."

Olivia frowns and keeps her eyes focused on her child. He is drinking slower, possibly just sucking now and she thinks he's just about done. When she detaches his little mouth gently from her breast, Chris doesn't object.

"You want me to change him for you?" Elliot offers.

She has a mind to say no, that she is perfectly capable of taking care of her own child, but that's not really true. She's the one who didn't change his diaper earlier, and that's why he now needs a fresh change of clothes. So does she, for that matter. Her nightgown is stained where she's held Chris against her.

"Yeah," she sighs. "I need to change too. And I have to pee."

"You want me to help you first? I can wash Chris in a few minutes," Elliot offers while lifting Chris from her lap.

"No."

She sounds firm. Almost angry. She knows she's on the verge of a breakdown, and that could take on any shape right now. Anger or panic or tears or all of it at once. She doesn't want tears, so she starts pushing herself off the bed.

Elliot quickly puts Chris in his crib and holds out a hand to help her. Olivia swats it away and groans when her lower half reminds her of what she's been through. It's still incredibly tender and sore.

"I can do it," she huffs nonetheless and she's not amused when Elliot holds up his hands in mock surrender.

She drags herself to the bathroom and bites her lip when she sees how much blood she's lost during the night. She definitely needs a change of clothes. There's even more when she sits down to pee and panic finally takes over. She can't do this alone. Not yet. She's too weak and she's bleeding too much. She can't go out for groceries or even down to the laundry room by herself yet. She can't do this …

"I can't do this."

She bends over while sitting on the toilet and tries to take a few deep breaths but it's not working.

"I can't … I can't …" she pants.

But she has to. She has no choice. Chris is counting on her. Maybe he'd be better off with a different mother.

Olivia spends at least ten minutes in the bathroom, reasoning with herself, trying to get a grip on her emotions, before she hears Elliot try to open the door. But she's locked it this time.

"Olivia," he says urgently. "Open up."

He can't see her like this. She's cold and exposed. Her nightgown has baby pee on the front and blood on the back. She's a mess and she's been crying. She needs clean underwear but she won't ask Elliot to get it for her.

"Live. Come on!" Elliot urges, pounding on the door for emphasis. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she tells him but they both know it's a lie.

"You don't sound fine. Just let me in."

"No."

The silence is deafening for a few moments and she can picture Elliot, standing outside the door, completely frustrated with her, probably wondering if he should just kick the door in.

"Chris is all cleaned up and in his crib," she suddenly hears him say, and his voice sounds almost normal. "He actually burped, you know. It was cute."

What is he trying to do, Olivia wonders. Distract her? Mellow her out so she'll let him in? She would have wanted to hear Chris's first real burp and she smiles at the thought. But then she feels like crying because she missed it.

When she doesn't respond, Elliot tries another tactic.

"I saw the blood in your bed, Liv. I have a change of clothes here for you."

She wants the clothes, desperately, but he can't see her like this. Not now. Not now that he's leaving her.

"I thought you might feel better in sweats instead of a nightgown. You know, feel human again. With socks and everything."

Olivia chuckles despite herself. It would definitely make her feel more human again to wear sweatpants and socks instead of walking around barefoot in a wide nightgown, and it moves her that he knows this. But then she realizes he's done this before. Of course he knows this. Kathy probably told him and now he's using his vast knowledge of what women are like after giving birth, to make her come out of the bathroom.

"Come on, I know you want the socks," Elliot teases and that gives her just enough strength to refuse him.

"Just leave the clothes at the door and I'll get them."

She can hear him sigh even through the closed door.

"That's ridiculous Liv."

"I don't care," she snaps back.

"What's wrong?"

As if he doesn't know, she thinks.

"It's not like I've never seen you messy before."

She doesn't know what to say to that and when she doesn't answer, she hears Elliot settle in behind the door.

"I'm just gonna stay out here until you're ready to let me in, Liv," he says calmly.

He's good at placating hormonal women …

"I had hoped you'd get some sleep. That's why I didn't disturb you last night. I'm sorry if I made the wrong call."

And just like that, the tears are back. What is he saying? He would have joined her? Now she's confused.

"I just … wasn't sure you wanted me there. You know, your first night with your baby."

Olivia closes her eyes and shakes her head. Of course she wanted him there! More than anything. But he's going back to his family and she needs to accept that and move on as quickly as possible. For her own sake and for her baby's sake.

"It's fine El," she manages to say. "Just give me the clothes."

"Open the door."

"You're not coming in."

"Yes, I am."

"I don't want you to."

"Why not?"

He sounds exasperated and they are back to square one.

"I can take care of myself."

"I know that, dammit! I just wanna help."

"Why?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why do you wanna help me now, if you're going back to Kathy anyway?!"

...

 **Oh Olivia. Do any of you moms (or dads) out there recognize this? :)**

 **To be continued. Reviews are life.**


	53. First Morning

**It's been a while so I hope this still makes sense! It's some drama, the beginning of a conversation and more baby fluff because I love it so!**

...

 **53\. First Morning**

 _"Open the door."_

 _"You're not coming in."_

 _"Yes, I am."_

 _"I don't want you to."_

 _"Why not?"_

 _He sounds exasperated and they are back to square one._

 _"I can take care of myself."_

 _"I know that, dammit! I just wanna help."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"What's that supposed to mean?"_

 _"Why do you wanna help me now, if you're going back to Kathy anyway?!"_

...

Olivia holds her breath after yelling those words at Elliot. It's truth time. He'll have to tell her now and then she'll make him leave the clothes by the door for her. He can't expect her to let him see her like this and help her clean up and change now. Surely he understands that.

It's eerily quiet on the other side of the door and for once, she doesn't have a clue what's going through his mind. Is he still pissed off with her, or is he stunned now? Defeated even?

She shivers, feeling cold and dirty, still sitting on the toilet with her dirty nightgown bunched up around her waist. And then she finally hears Elliot's voice again. He starts out fairly normally but his voice gets louder as he goes.

"Olivia, I'm not doing this with you right now. You gave birth less than 24 hours ago and you're in no shape to do everything alone yet. I said I'd be here for you and I am. Now open this goddamn door or I swear I'm kicking it in."

Olivia rests her face in her hands, suddenly feeling like crying again. Stupid hormones. She wants clean clothes and she wants to get back to her baby but there's no way around Elliot. She has no choice and she hates that. And she hates that she still needs him. Finally, she pushes herself up from the toilet and unlocks the door. Elliot enters within a second, probably to make sure she can't change her mind. He does a double take when he sees her and she knows she probably looks like hell.

"Let's get you in the shower first," he says and without waiting for an answer, he places her change of clothes on the edge of the sink and turns on the shower. Turning back to her, he reaches for her nightgown and suddenly Olivia feels completely drained. All the fight has left her and she raises her arms dutifully so Elliot can take her gown off. Her panties are on the floor already and Elliot carefully peels her nursing bra off her body. Olivia shivers while she waits, and when Elliot has checked the temperature of the water, he helps her step into the tub.

She welcomes the warmth of the water and closes her eyes. She reaches for Elliot blindly with one arm, trusting that he will make sure she doesn't lose her balance. When she feels his hands wrap around her waist, she opens her eyes and sees he's taken off his t-shirt.

"What are you doing?" she asks, feeling a slight panic rise in her chest.

"Nothing Liv. Relax. I'm just keeping my shirt dry. Can you wash your own hair while I hold you like this?"

She nods, then grabs her shampoo and does as he has asked. After she has washed her hair, Elliot helps her soap up and rinse all the sweat and other grime off her body. There is nothing erotic about the whole scene and Olivia doesn't know if she should be relieved about it or not. She's in no shape for any kind of intimacy right now and she didn't even want Elliot to see her like this - but still. Does he find her even remotely attractive anymore? Her body still looks pregnant and she feels like she'll never look normal again.

Elliot helps dry her off and makes sure she sits down on the edge of the tub before attempting to put on fresh underwear and the socks he'd promised her. It feels great to be clean again and to put on a pair of sweatpants. Elliot dashes off to get her a clean nursing bra and after putting it on she moans contently when she feels her favorite oversized sweatshirt slide over her head and around her body. She finally feels somewhat human again and walks out of the bathroom ahead of Elliot.

"You wanna sit on the couch?" Elliot asks her and she simply nods.

After he has made sure she's sitting comfortably on a soft pillow and with another pillow supporting her back, he checks on Chris, who has slept through the whole bathroom drama. Then he sets out to make them breakfast. It's still early in the morning but Olivia has to admit she's hungry and thirsty. She thanks Elliot softly when he places breakfast on the coffee table and hands her a glass of water. He is very quiet and she feels like he's miles away even if he's sitting down just two feet away from her. He watches her eat and she feels like he's checking up on every little thing she does. He probably is, because that's what he does. He watches out for her and it used to make her feel good. Safe. Like somebody actually cared about her. But the air is thick around them, filled with unspoken words and jumbled thoughts, and she doesn't know what to say.

Part of her wants to forget everything and just enjoy his company and being a brand-new mom but another part of her needs to know what's going to happen now. What is Elliot planning on doing? She doubts she'll be able to afford this place by herself and she can't ask Miguel to chip in for rent. She doesn't want to ask Miguel for anything. Springing a child on him had been bad enough, although he's taken it quite well. She can't ask even more of him.

When she's almost finished her breakfast and is drinking a second glass of water Elliot has gotten her, he finally speaks up.

"Are you feeling better now?"

Olivia bobs her head without looking at him.

"Yeah, I do. Thanks."

"You don't have to thank me, Liv."

"Well, it wasn't a pretty picture earlier," she says with a humorless chuckle.

"I knew what I signed up for. It's no big deal. You just gave birth. You're allowed to freak out. For now."

She glances at him then and a small smile tugs at her lips.

"When does my freak-out time end?"

"Whenever you're done freaking out," Elliot says and he chances a grin as well.

"You sure about that? Could be a while," she admits. She knows now that she's been a little childish and she feels stupid.

"I know. But you'll have normal times too, like now. We can do this."

"We?"

She doesn't really know what to think of everything.

"Yes, _we_. I don't know what's going on inside that head of yours, but I'm not going anywhere Liv. Why on earth would you think I'm going back to Kathy, after everything that's happened?"

Olivia stares at him, trying to understand what he's saying and looking for clues in his face to determine what he really means.

"Do you _want_ me to go?" he asks her, and what she sees in his eyes surprises her very much.

Insecurity.

But what could he possibly be insecure about?

"No, I don't want you to go," she answers truthfully. "But we both know you're going back home. You always go back home."

Elliot scrubs a hand down his face and takes a deep breath, as if he has to make an effort to contain himself. His voice sounds strained when he tells her,

"Liv. I _am_ home. Right here. I didn't move here temporarily. I thought you knew that. We've been over this! Unless you don't want me to be here, of course."

"But you said … you told Dickie …"

"If you wanna give it a go with Miguel, I won't stand in your way Liv."

"You wanted to fix things with Kathy and … "

"I mean, he _is_ Chris's dad. I understand that."

"Well, you've always gone back and you wouldn't have sex with me. I guess I get that now …"

"And he's a good man. He deserves to know his kid if he wants it."

"You're not a cheater, and that's great. It's admirable and … what did you just say?"

"Wait a minute. What were you saying?"

They stare at each other for a few seconds, trying to process each others' words and failing, because they are still so full of their own words. The shrill sound of Elliot's phone startles both of them and Elliot jumps up to grab it from the kitchen counter.

Olivia watches him as he takes the call and she suddenly feels deflated when she realizes it's Cragen calling. Elliot probably has to go.

"Well, we made it through the first night," Elliot tells their boss. Olivia tries to follow the conversation while hearing only one side of it.

"Yeah, she's alright. Didn't get much sleep but that's to be expected ... Yeah, right. ... I don't know. I'll have to ask her."

Elliot puts his hand over his phone and tells her softly,

"They wanna come over to see Chris. You up to that?"

"When?" she asks him. "And who?"

"Cragen, Munch and Fin. After the morning briefing."

Olivia checks the time. It's almost eight AM, which is not as early as she had thought. How long had she been holed up in the bathroom? Morning briefing is usually between eight and eight thirty so the guys could be there in an hour. Olivia hesitates and before she can say anything, Elliot tells the Captain,

"Can you make it ten? We haven't really gotten into a routine with the baby yet ... Yes sir ... Yes sir ... Alright. See you then."

Elliot glances at Olivia again after hanging up.

"You won't have to do anything Liv. You can just sit with Chris and let everything happen. I'll make sure they don't stay too long."

She nods and she swears there's something she wanted to ask Elliot, but she has forgotten what it was.

"Now about what you just said …" Elliot starts.

And then she remembers.

"Yeah. And about what _you_ just said!" she counters.

"I don't think you were listening to me," Elliot says, walking back up to her. "Why do you just assume I'm going back to Kathy now that she knows I didn't cheat on her? The accusation hurts just as much as it did when she first made it."

"But you said you were gonna fix things with her."

"When did I say that?"

"Yesterday. To Dickie."

"Did I?"

"Yes. You did."

Olivia frowns and then she feels her stomach clench, a split second before she hears a soft wail coming from her bedroom. It's as if she knew beforehand that her son needs her and she pushes herself up from the couch immediately.

"I can get him for you," Elliot offers but she shakes her head.

"I wanna do it myself."

"Of course you do."

Olivia sticks her tongue out at him before hobbling towards her bedroom. She hears Elliot chuckle and somehow, her heart doesn't feel as heavy as before. He's still here. He's helping her - whether she wants him to or not - and he says he's not going back home. No, that he's _already_ home. Here. So why was he rambling about Miguel earlier?

She closes the door of her bedroom softly before walking over to Chris's crib. Her son's face is scrunched up as if he's ready to start screaming but his tiny voice doesn't make a lot of noise yet. She expects that will change soon though. She picks Chris up, carefully supporting his neck and head. His little head fits in the palm of her hand easily and it strikes her how completely helpless and dependent a baby truly is. He needs her and she knows she would do absolutely anything for him. She's his mother. Nobody else in the world is his mother, just her. She cradles her son against her chest and when he starts making eager sounds, turning his head into her sweatshirt with his little mouth open, as if looking for her breast already, she feels like crying once again. But it's a good kind of crying this time. She is overwhelmed with the knowledge that she is a mother now. That her dream has come true and she and her little man are already getting to know each other. He needs her right now and everything else can wait. Even Elliot. She knows they will need to talk again but not now. Now, she devotes her time and attention to her son.

...

 **I know this was short but I think we've made a small step towards our favorite Detectives getting closer again anyway. To be continued.**


	54. Visitors

**54\. Visitors**

Olivia can't stop smiling. Her boss and closest coworkers have collectively fallen in love with baby Chris. He's gotten three instant uncles in one go. They've all brought gifts and Olivia is touched by their attentiveness. Cragen is currently holding Chris and cooing at him almost like a proud grandpa. Chris doesn't really respond to him yet, being just a day old, but the Captain is convinced that he'll be able to get the newborn to smile. It would be a true miracle but the older man tells her he still believes in miracles.

"Just look at this baby," he says by way of explanation, and they all agree.

Elliot makes sure everyone has something to drink and when it's Fin's turn to hold Chris, Cragen sits up and clears his throat, and Olivia has an idea what's coming. She is tucked away comfortably in a pile of pillows in the corner of the couch, but she feels herself tense up a little when she sees Cragen look at Elliot and back at her.

"So," he begins and she can tell Elliot is catching on as well. "How are things between you two now that the baby is here?"

Olivia makes an effort not to look at Elliot because she really has no idea how things are between them now. Then Elliot responds.

"It's a bit hectic right now, sir. We haven't really had a chance to adapt. I can't speak for Liv but I think we need to feel grounded again before we can say how it's going."

Cragen nods, staring at both of them intently.

"Do you think you'll be able to work together again when Olivia comes back?"

Now she does glance at Elliot, who looks at her as well. They're not sure what to do with the question. Olivia decided to tackle this one.

"Well, work hasn't really been on my mind lately but once I get back on my feet, I really don't see why not? Why do you ask?"

Cragen's dark eyes move from her to Elliot and back a few times before he speaks again.

"I know this baby isn't Elliot's, Olivia, but I'm not blind. You two have gotten even closer than before lately and you're sharing an apartment. It's not that hard to put one and one together. Now, before you blow up at me again," he adds quickly, looking Elliot dead in the eye, "I'm not accusing you of anything and I'm not judging you. I just … need to know what to prepare for."

It's on the tip of her tongue to tell him, 'once you find out, let me know', but she swallows the words just in time. She is surprised when she hears Elliot voice almost the same thought when he tells their boss,

"I think things need to settle down here first before we can answer that question."

The reply is neutral enough but she knows he means they will have to have a serious talk first. Elliot has told her he isn't going back to Kathy but she still has her doubts. He has always gone back. On top of that, she feels like he's really having a problem with Miguel suddenly. What was he even on about earlier? Does he really think she'd want to pursue a relationship with Miguel if he would want that, simply because he's the biological father of her child? Aside from the fact that Miguel isn't interested in being a father, he's not interested in being with her either. He's a decent man but they're not in love. Hasn't she made it clear enough to Elliot how she feels about him?

She starts to wonder about that and doesn't pay much attention to the talking around her anymore, until Elliot nudges her gently.

"Liv?"

"What?" she asks, frowning. What did she miss?

"Cap just said he's going to check back with you about going back to work in about four weeks. That okay with you?"

"Oh yes. Sure. I … I hope I'll have gotten some sleep by then."

She scans the room for her baby and sees that Munch is now walking around the room, rocking little Chris to sleep. His eyes are drooping and Munch is actually singing something to him very softly.

"Gotta wonder why he never had any kids of his own," Fin muses, looking at his partner. He looks like a natural.

"At least you'll never have a problem finding a sitter," Cragen chuckles. "We're all just gonna wait in line."

Olivia smiles, suddenly a little overwhelmed by emotion. She knows having cops as babysitters isn't exactly practical but she appreciates the sentiment so much that she feels like crying a little. This really is her family and she needs them. She glances at Elliot, who gives her a weak smile and then starts clearing the coffee table. What is he thinking? She should have paid more attention to the conversation with Cragen. They really need to talk but she's getting tired. She's been up for several hours and no matter how badly she wants to be strong again, for now her body is telling her she needs to rest. She's been told that in a way, giving birth can be compared to having major surgery. She can't expect to be up and about just a day later.

When the guys leave to go back to work, she manages to get up from the couch. She hugs all of them and tells them she hopes they'll be back soon. It was great to see them again and to know that while her life has changed forever in many ways, some things will stay the same. Her unit will still be there when she's ready to return.

For now, Elliot makes sure that she takes a nap before Chris needs her again and she doesn't protest. She freshens up first so she won't have a repeat of earlier, and when she enters her bedroom, she finds Elliot just finishing changing her bedding.

"Thanks," she says quietly.

"Not a problem," he mumbles. "Just hop in."

"I won't be hopping for a while," she jokes and Elliot just grins at her.

He watches as she gets comfortable in bed and checks on Chris, who is back in his crib, before leaving the room quietly. The silence between them is thick. They know they have a lot to talk about but Olivia is too tired now to process anything. Sleep comes to her very easily and as she dozes off, she wonders if she'll ever feel rested again.

…

It's time for lunch and after feeding and changing her son, Olivia walks over to the dinner table. She sits down gingerly, grateful that Elliot has placed a cushion on her seat. There's food on the table already, and when Elliot joins her, she thinks that maybe they can talk at last. But then he tells her,

"Alex Cabot called while you were sleeping. She wants to come over. That okay with you?"

"Yes," she says instantly. She's looking forward to seeing her friend again and to show off her baby.

"I thought so. I told her she could drop by after lunch. She'll be here shortly."

"Oh."

"If that's too soon, I'll call her back Liv. No problem."

"No. No, it's fine, really."

"Maureen called again too."

Elliot smiles faintly and she knows how badly his oldest daughter wants to see the baby. She nods and forces a smile. Their talk will have to wait, again.

"It's fine, El. I understand that everyone wants to meet him."

His faint smile widens a bit.

"Well, what's not to love."

Her own smile widens now too and the tension she had felt between them, abates a little. Thinking of her beautiful baby boy will do that to her.

"Can you believe that he was inside me the whole time?"

"It's amazing, isn't it? A real miracle from God."

Olivia tilts her head and watches her partner but he keeps his eyes on his food for now, chewing slowly. Somehow it reassures her that Elliot sees her child as a miracle from God. She doesn't really know how that works in his church, but she also knows that he doesn't follow the church blindly. His church may say that having a child out of wedlock is a sin, but he can still see the miracle of the new life in her child. And his Maureen was conceived out of wedlock as well after all, and he couldn't love her more. He's told her before that each person is of great value to God, no matter how they came into the world. She used to apply those words to herself but they now apply to her son as well.

"Yes, he is," she agrees quietly.

They finish their meal in silence and Elliot checks the time when he stands up and picks up their plates. Olivia knows she should prepare for Alex's visit and decides to check herself in the mirror. She hasn't really given her appearance a second thought yet today but for some reason, Alex coming over makes her wonder what she looks like.

It's a little shocking to see the dark rings around her eyes. She knew she'd probably look tired but it's worse than she thought. She decides to put some moisturizer on her face. No makeup, but the cream will be good for her skin. She tries to comb her hair but her half-long locks aren't really cooperating. There's so much of it, too. When she finally emerges from the bathroom, Elliot has cleaned up and is making coffee.

"You want some tea?" he asks her.

She'd love a cup of coffee but doesn't want to risk it yet, since she's breastfeeding Chris, and so she accepts the offer of tea instead. She lingers a bit behind Elliot, but when he doesn't say anything else, she decides to check on Chris and start collecting some laundry, including the bedding Elliot had left in the corner of her room. It will give her something to do until Alex and Maureen get there.

Elliot shows up within a minute.

"What do you think you're doing?" he says, softly for Chris's sake but very urgently.

"Picking up laundry," she says rather superfluously.

"You're not supposed to be doing any bending over yet," Elliot huffs. "I can do that."

Olivia sighs. She knows he's probably right but she was actually trying to get away from him for a few minutes. The longer they don't talk, the less comfortable she feels around him and right now she wishes that their company would get there already so they'd have some distraction. She'll probably be dead tired again by the time they leave and she just wants to get this day over with.

"Just rest for a few minutes," Elliot urges, taking the bedding out of her hands. "I'll bring you your tea and I'll call you when they're here."

She sighs again. She hates not being able to do things but he's right of course. She's still sort of a patient, even if she's not a very patient one.

Elliot leaves to get the hamper and collect the rest of their laundry and comes back with her tea before leaving her alone. After sipping some of her tea, Olivia gives in and lays down on the bed for a few minutes. Just when she starts to relax, she hears the doorbell. She squeezes her eyes shut, trusting that Elliot will get the door, and enjoys her last moments on the comfortable mattress before she will have to get up again. Her body is still sore and bloated and she can't imagine ever getting her figure back or be fit again. She rolls to the side of the bed and pushes herself up sideways, like she had learned to do in the final stages of her pregnancy. She stands up and instantly steps closer to her sleeping son. He is still a miracle to her. A miracle of God indeed. He's so beautiful and so complete and she feels an all-encompassing responsibility for this brand-new life that she has been entrusted with. She worries if she'll be able to take care of him alone, and her thoughts drift back to Elliot. She hears him let their guests in, it sounds like Alex and Maureen are coming in together. He's still here but she doesn't know what to make of him. He has barely touched her since they got back from the hospital, except in the bathroom. But that doesn't count. He'd basically behaved like a nurse. And he'd been talking about Miguel. She doesn't get that part at all.

She watches her son sleep for a few more moments and realizes how much he looks like his daddy. The tanned skin, the dark, slightly curly hair. Even his long, elegant little fingers. It's unmistakable. He's going to be one handsome boy when he grows up. She leans over him and kisses his cheek. She inhales his smell, that is part baby soap, part mother's milk and part something she can only describe as Chris.

A soft knock on her door tells her that Elliot is hoping she'll join them, and she moves to the door quickly. She opens it a crack and whispers to Elliot,

"I'll be right out."

She adjusts her clothes, checking that her socks are still on straight and then opens the door completely to meet her visitors.

…

 **A/N: I'm so sorry that this isn't much … writing for this one is going very slowly at the moment. Reviews are appreciated anyway!**


	55. Connection

**55\. Connection**

Olivia appreciates the attention. She really does. But what she would want most of all right now, is to be alone with Alex. She can tell that the blonde is aware that something is up between her and Elliot and however sweet Maureen is, she could do without both Stablers right now.

Both women have held Chris and Olivia loves their gifts, two of the cutest baby outfits she's ever seen and a baby mobile with music for over his crib with tiny blue unicorns dangling from it. When it's time for Chris's next feeding, Maureen almost melts at the sight of the baby drinking.

"He's so tiny and still, everything works," the young woman sighs. "Dad, would you think it's weird if I said I want to become a gynecologist?"

Elliot raises his eyebrows and blows out a breath.

"Not weird honey, but very expensive."

"But once she's done, she will make a ton of money," Alex interjects with a grin and Elliot smirks at the ADA.

"I guess so. You just have to do what you really want to do, Maureen. Your mom and I will support your decisions, as long as they are realistic."

Maureen thanks her father and then tells them she needs to get going because she has a class soon. Elliot walks his daughter out and Alex uses the opportunity to scoot closer to Olivia and whisper to her,

"Are you and Stabler alright?"

Olivia shakes her head.

"No."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Please."

She can see the surprise in her friend's face and she knows it's not like her to want to discuss personal matters, but she feels like she's suffocating around Elliot and she needs fresh input. Whenever she is busy taking care of Chris she feels fine but as soon as her son is asleep again, she feels very much alone. The responsibility for this new life weighs on her and she needs someone to reassure her from time to time that things will work out. She knows Elliot has promised to be there for her and Chris, but she doesn't feel it at all. And in her current postnatal state, she just can't seem to figure out how to shut her feelings off. There is no reasoning with them and she needs someone else's take on the situation.

Chris has fallen asleep again and she gently removes her nipple from his mouth before rearranging her clothes and lifting her son up so he can rest against her shoulder, in case he needs to burp. Olivia pats her baby on the back softly and rocks him. He seems completely oblivious to his surroundings and sleeps contently on his mother's shoulder. Alex smiles and tells Olivia she's a natural mom.

Elliot returns and looks at the two women on the couch. Olivia is immensely relieved when he asks Alex if she could stay for a while longer while he goes out to get some groceries. Maybe he's sensed that the women need to talk. He asks Olivia if there's anything she needs that he can pick up for her, and five minutes later, he's out the door.

Olivia sighs and closes her eyes. She's tired again. Too tired. But she wants to talk to Alex.

"So tell me what's up," Alex encourages her.

"I just don't know anymore," Olivia answers truthfully. "Ever since we got home, things have been strained between me and Elliot. I think he's going to go back to Kathy."

"What?"

"Yeah … Kathy came to the hospital yesterday after Chris was born, and Miguel was there. She finally realizes that El never cheated on her, and now he wants to fix things with her."

"I don't believe it. He told you that?"

Alex is stunned.

"Well … he told Dickie that he wants to fix whatever he can with her and he went to Queens last night to talk to her."

"Have you asked him what he means by fixing things?"

"I've tried to talk to him but it's like we don't hear each other anymore. And when he mentioned Miguel I got confused. I don't know what he's thinking about Miguel to be honest. Maybe the fact that Chris looks so much like Miguel is getting to him after all."

Tears suddenly well up in her eyes and she swallows hard. She's been worried about this before. About her son being different from Elliot's kids. Maybe now that Elliot has seen her son, he isn't so sure anymore about being a father figure to him.

"Hey hey," Alex says softly. "Now I don't know Elliot as well as you do, but I'm pretty sure he's not that kind of guy. We've been over this before, remember? He's always been a champion for every single kid he's come across."

Olivia nods and rocks her baby.

"Of course. But this is different. Chris isn't a child we just come across on a case. He's mine. He's here to stay and he looks just like Miguel. There's no way around him for Elliot."

"Around who? Chris or Miguel?"

Olivia pulls her shoulders up and sighs.

"From his perspective … both I guess."

Her phone beeps on the coffee table. Olivia ignores it but then it beeps again, and again.

"Sounds urgent," Alex remarks and when she offers to grab the phone for her, Olivia nods.

When she opens the phone, she sees that she has received a few images. From Miguel.

"What's the emergency?" Alex asks and she hesitates. What could Miguel have sent her?

She opens the first image and sees one of the pictures Luís must have snapped at the hospital yesterday. It's her, Miguel and Chris.

"Wow," Alex says quietly. "I think I get where Elliot is coming from Liv."

Olivia frowns and looks at her friend.

"What do you mean?"

"Just look at the picture. You three look like a radiant little family. It's like a picture from a magazine."

Olivia looks at the picture again and then opens the other two, that are much like the first one. Miguel has his arm around her shoulders and they're both smiling happily. In one picture, they both look down at baby Chris. They do look like a little family. Elliot must have missed the fact that Miguel refused to even touch the child and that he was just posing for the pictures. She tells Alex about the circumstances of the pictures and her friend urges her once more to talk to Elliot and get it all out in the open.

"And ask him what he meant when he said he wants to fix things with Kathy. You have a right to know."

"Yeah."

The three pictures are followed by a text, saying that the original pictures will be in the mail. Olivia appreciates it and sends a quick thank you back to Miguel.

Chris burps in his sleep and both women turn their attention back to the beautiful baby. Alex holds him for a while and Olivia watches her with her son while she thinks over what they've talked about. She had thought she and Elliot had gotten better at this talking thing but things have been an emotional mess these past two days. First Chris being born, then Miguel showing up and then Kathy bursting in. And the talks with Dickie. She's barely had time to process everything and is way too tired for a long talk about her feelings.

When Elliot returns with the groceries, she feels herself tense up again and naturally, Alex notices. Olivia excuses herself to go to the bathroom and when she returns several minutes later, she can tell that Elliot and Alex have been talking. Alex is still carrying Chris around, but is clearly just leaving the kitchen, where Elliot has been unpacking. She can't say she's surprised, and secretly she may have hoped Alex would talk to Elliot. It may make it just a little bit easier to finally get their conversation going. Olivia just isn't sure if she is ready to hear what Elliot has to say.

When Alex leaves, she gives them both a meaningful look, and when Elliot and Olivia glance at each other, they both can't suppress a smile. It's the first beginning of a connection to him Olivia has felt all day and it almost overwhelms her. Elliot sees the emotion in her face and after closing the door behind Alex, he reaches for her. Olivia feels like falling into his arms then and there but she doesn't. They stare at each other for a moment and then both take a breath to say something, which makes them chuckle.

"I'm pathetic," Elliot sighs, and when he reaches for her again, she lets him take her hand.

They walk back to the couch together and Olivia feels her heart beating against her ribcage. She feels like she's being torn into all kinds of different directions. Part of her just wants to sink into a long, dreamless sleep. Another part of her is scared to death of what Elliot will tell her next, while yet another part of her desperately wants to feel connected to him again, even if it's just like being partners again. Anything will be better than this disconnection she's been feeling. Her body still hurts and she feels faint and emotional all the time and she thinks if Elliot would just hold her for a minute, she'd feel better. Or maybe she'd feel worse.

Once they sit down she doesn't know what to say, but fortunately, Elliot does.

"Liv, we really need to talk."

She nods and bites her lip.

"Look, I … I didn't want to do this so soon after you gave birth but … well, not talking isn't working either, is it?"

Olivia shakes her head and looks down at her hands in her lap.

"No."

The scared part of her is beginning to take over and she knows Elliot is going to tell her he's leaving now.

"Just … just say it, El. Get it over with," she says quietly, still not looking at him.

Elliot clears his throat and when he speaks again, she finally looks up at him.

"Liv, I don't know what has changed between us but Alex tells me that you still think I'm going to leave you and that you don't want me to. Is that true?"

That one question contains so much that she needs a moment to process it. But it sounds about right. She may not have planned to ask Elliot to stay because she doesn't beg, but it is true that she wants him to stay. And so she finally nods.

"Yeah. I guess that sums it up."

"And you're really not thinking about trying to make it work with Miguel?"

"Of course not!" she answers right away. That was an easy one. "Why would you even think that? We've been over this."

"We've been over me not going back to Kathy too, but that still seems to be stuck in your head," Elliot says defensively.

"You said you wanted to fix things with her!"

"Did I?"

"Yes!"

They're both raising their voices a little now, but it's as if they can't help it.

"When did I say that?"

"Last night. To Dickie. You said you wanted to fix things with his mom. How can I misinterpret that?"

Elliot slumps back against the backrest of the couch and blows out a breath. He seems frustrated with her but to his credit, he is taking his time before formulating a response.

"Well, apparently you did," he tells her. "What I meant was, that I wanted all of us to start getting along again, so the kids won't feel like they have to choose sides. Kathy obviously needs help but I don't want them to start seeing her as the bad guy now, now that I've been vindicated. I just want all of us to be civil with each other. And Kathy owes you one hell of an apology."

"Oh."

Olivia doesn't know what to say. She should have known, but part of her is still terrified that it's all too good to be true. That somehow, she doesn't deserve to have her cake and eat it too. The feeling that Elliot had been pulling away from her had been devastating and in her head, she'd already been preparing for his departure, completely forgetting about the fact that she'd never be able to afford this apartment on her own.

"Tell me what you're thinking," Elliot says quietly, reaching for her hand again.

She takes his hand between hers and holds it tightly. It feels good to touch him again. It's her turn to say something, she knows that. But what can she say? He's not leaving. That's all she really needed to know. But how can they become closer again? What should she say to him?

"Just tell me, whatever it is," Elliot encourages her. He must see that she's struggling to find words.

She swallows and nods and finally admits,

"I just suddenly felt so alone because … you were so distant to me and I … I really, _really_ wanted you to hold me last night when you got back from Queens."

She sees her own pain reflected in Elliot's eyes when he understands what she's telling him. He sits up and leans closer to her.

"So when I went to my own room instead …"

Olivia purses her lips to keep them from trembling, and nods again.

"I just wanted to let you rest. I never thought you might need me in there …"

Olivia squeezes his hand and then strokes it gently with one hand. It's hard for her to admit needing anyone or anything but she finally finds the strength and the courage to whisper,

"I need you."

...

 **A/N: So sorry for the long wait again. Reviews keep me motivated to finish this one!**


	56. Happiness

**A/N 1 - To those who are waiting for updates of my other two SVU stories: I have decided to finish this story first, because of the three, it's closest to being completed. (Actually, quite close.) Once this is done I will move on to "Someone Like Me" and after that, I will devote all my (SVU) writing time to "Beginnings" - which still has quite a way to go. I will try very, very hard not to start a new multi-chapter story before having finished at least two others.**

...

 **A/N 2 - Reminder: this plays out around season 5 so certain things we've seen transpire between the two Detectives haven't happened in this universe. Just thought I'd drop that here before I continue with Olivia's inner dialogue …**

...

 **56\. Happiness**

Elliot holds her for a long time.

"I'm here," he whispers a few times.

They still aren't great communicators but for now, it's enough. Olivia feels like she's been out in the cold too long, chilled to the bone, and she's finally warming up again. They're sitting side by side but with their upper bodies turned into each other, and Olivia has buried her nose in the crook of his neck. Her arms are wrapped tightly around his waist while his arms envelop her shoulders completely. She has shed a few tears but has tried to hide them, and Elliot is pretending he hasn't noticed. She loves him right now simply for not putting her on the spot.

When they finally break apart, Elliot gives her a chaste kiss on the cheek before asking her,

"Are we okay now? I mean, I know there's more to talk about but …"

"Yeah," Olivia nods. "We're okay."

"Alright. Why don't you take a nap before Chris wakes up again. I'm going to get our laundry from downstairs and we can talk some more later, okay? Unless you're still upset. I mean … we can talk now but …"

Olivia smiles and she definitely feels better. Elliot is babbling and it's kind of cute.

"El, it's okay. I do need a nap. Just … join me when you get back?"

He smiles back at her and his smile finally reaches his eyes.

"Love to."

…

When Olivia wakes up from her nap she is surprised that she's slept so well. Just feeling closer to Elliot again has made so much difference. And when she realizes that he's actually right next to her, snuggled up against her back, she feels happy butterflies fluttering in her stomach. It actually feels like a baby moving inside her, she realizes. She misses that in a way but when she hears Chris's tiny voice from his crib, all her attention shifts to her beautiful son.

"I'll get him for you," Elliot mumbles against the back of her head and she accepts his help without objecting.

She hoists herself up into a sitting position and scoots back until she can lean against the pillows that are propped up against the headboard of the bed. After Elliot has placed Chris in her lap, she asks him to stay. He moves next to her under the covers again, sitting up like she is and puts his left arm around her shoulders. Olivia has gotten the hang of making Chris latch on properly and once he's firmly attached to her left breast and drinking, she closes her eyes and drops her head against Elliot's.

"He can put me right back to sleep," she mumbles. "It's as if he sucks all the energy out of me."

Elliot chuckles and when she hears him move, she opens her eyes. Elliot has moved his right arm across her lap and caresses her son's cheek gently. He has never been shy to touch her child, right from the start. Olivia can't help making a mental comparison of the three of them with the trio in the pictures Miguel had sent her. Elliot is already more of a father to Chris than Miguel. He stood by her throughout her pregnancy, then through the delivery, and he's still here. She feels silly now about thinking he would leave. He isn't one to give up. But that's the same quality that had made her think he would go back to Kathy.

She knows he will have to tell her a few more times before it will really sink in. She isn't used to getting what she wants. Happiness has always seemed something that was meant for other people, not for her. She was just here to serve others. To help better their lives, never her own. Elliot may be the only person in her life who has ever made her feel like she deserves something too. She knows, rationally, that she can't be blamed for how she came into the world but deep down, she's always felt like she had something to make up for. Something to prove even. She's tried to prove that she can do the job as well as any man; maybe even better. And Elliot has always been her loyal sounding board. He has always treated her as an equal, calling her out on any BS but never questioning her abilities and always trusting her to have his back. And he has her back in return and it makes her feel incredibly safe to know he will always be there for her.

And now, he will be there for her in so many new ways as well. He smiles when Olivia moves Chris to her other breast. There is nothing erotic about the way he looks at her. All she can see is tenderness, and most of it is actually directed at her child. How could she ever have doubted if he could love him? She knows her insecurities won't melt overnight but she tells herself to savor this moment, and other moments like these that they are going to share over the coming weeks. Chris is completely dependent for now. All he does is eat, sleep, cry and make dirty diapers and Olivia is utterly relieved that she won't have to do it all alone after all. She knows she could, if she had to. She had been willing to do it on her own. She's just grateful that she won't have to.

When Elliot offers to change Chris after she has fed him, she hands him her child without hesitation. She lays on her side and watches Elliot change the baby on 'his' side of her bed. They both drop a hundred butterfly kisses on his little cheeks before Elliot puts him back in his crib, and once Chris is sound asleep again, Elliot sits down on the bed and kisses her forehead.

Her body is still recovering from giving birth and she knows she isn't interested in any form of sexual activity, but she looks up at Elliot anyway, bringing her mouth closer to his. She doesn't want or need sex but she does need him. She sees him hesitate and she tries not to feel hurt. He's just being careful, she tells herself and she takes a deep breath before asking him,

"A kiss can't hurt, can it? It's been too long."

Elliot doesn't need a lot of convincing and when their lips and tongues finally meet again, after what feels like a week, they both moan softly. Elliot's hands are framing her face and maybe he's trying not to touch her anywhere else, but Olivia lets her hands roam his back and shoulders and his insanely muscular arms. When Elliot breaks off the kiss suddenly, she looks up at him a little dazed.

"Easy Liv," he whispers.

"I miss you," she admits, and it's becoming easier to admit these things out loud to him.

"I miss you too. But we can't …"

"I know. I just wanted to kiss you."

"Hmmm."

It feels good to still be able to manipulate him a little, Olivia thinks. She hardly feels attractive these days. Her body is still bloated, she feels tired all the time and she's bleeding quite heavily. But she still affects Elliot and that feels good. It feels very good.

When he kisses her again, she tries to pull him tighter against her but Elliot resists a little. If she had her way, she'd pull him down on the bed with her but he won't have it.

"I don't wanna crush you," he mumbles against her lips. "Please don't make this harder than it already is."

He creates some distance between them and Olivia knows that their tiny make-out session is now over. But it did feel good to kiss him again and she thinks she will be able to get some more sleep on that note.

Elliot tucks her in and tells her he'll wake her up for dinner.

" _If_ I sleep that long," Olivia says a little defensively.

" _If_ you sleep that long," Elliot repeats and she knows he's just humoring her.

He winks at her and she tries not to smile but she can't stop the corners of her mouth from tugging up.

"Sleep Liv," Elliot tells her, retreating to leave her bedroom.

He checks on Chris one last time and then he leaves them alone. And this time, she doesn't feel as alone as the night before.

…

More visitors.

She should have known but by the time the third batch of visitors of the day leaves, Olivia is utterly exhausted again. Casey had brought flowers for the new mommy, telling her that she would bring something from Chris in a few weeks when Olivia wasn't so tired. George Huang had brought the cutest baby pajamas she'd ever seen and had been overjoyed when Olivia had changed Chris into the new outfit right after changing his diaper. She's relieved that her two coworkers had come over together and had also left together. She had wanted to take a shower but she feels too drained to undertake that adventure again and just cleans herself up with a washcloth. She knows she will be up a few times for Chris during the night, so she turns in early. Elliot promises he will join her later and she's happy that they are getting closer again.

...

Her first week as a new mother goes by and she is beginning to wonder if it will ever get less tiring. Each day looks exactly like the day before. Everything revolves around Chris and she doesn't know what she'd do if she didn't have Elliot running errands and cooking and even cleaning for her. Well, for them. They live here together after all. Elliot has made a few more trips to Queens and all the children have been by to see her and Chris again, but until now, she and Kathy haven't talked. Olivia knows they will have to talk soon, but for now, she's glad to just be able to get used to being a mother.

As the day approaches when Elliot will have to go back to work, Chris finally starts to sleep longer between feedings. He is picking up a day-night rhythm at last, and has slept for five hours straight during the night for the first time since his birth. Elliot has cautioned her not to get used to that too quickly, but she has hope that her miracle baby will turn out to be perfect in every way possible.

It's Sunday afternoon. Chris is officially a week old, and Elliot is going back to work on Monday. Olivia doesn't know how she is going to cope with being alone all day and she wonders if this would be a good time to go for a walk with Chris for the first time. Until now, all the fresh air he's gotten has been from sitting on the terrace. The April air is getting a little less chilly now and she has put the pram out on the terrace a few times but she thinks she is ready to go outside herself now.

Elliot agrees that it's a good idea. Olivia can get a feel for how far she can walk on her own while still having enough energy left to get back home with Chris. Elliot carries the pram down the stairs while Olivia holds Chris close to her. Once downstairs, they tuck the baby in before going outside.

Somehow, Olivia had completely forgotten what a busy street they live in. Or maybe she's just been living inside a little cocoon this past week. Cars and scooters whiz by and people are walking hurriedly on the sidewalks or running to cross the road. Olivia hasn't really had any practice yet navigating the pram through a crowd but she thinks she's managing. Elliot stays right next to her and fortunately, people do make room for a couple with a baby. Because that's what people are seeing, she realizes. They're a couple with a baby. She glances up at Elliot, who seems to be focused on spotting the next obstacle ahead. Chris is falling asleep again, completely unbothered by the noise around him. Walking outside feels new and Olivia is a little frustrated that she still has to wear her maternity jeans. Some new mothers just fit in their normal clothes again right after giving birth, but she's not so lucky. She's still a heavyweight for now and it will take some time to get back in shape. And she is already getting tired, she has to admit, and they've only been walking for a short while. Elliot takes her to a playground on West 43th street and she's relieved once they get there, that it's not that far away from their place.

"I thought I'd show you where Chris will be able to play nearby once he learns how to walk," Elliot tells her with a smile.

"Well, that won't be any time soon," Olivia chuckles, looking down at her sleeping one-week old.

"Time flies when they're little, Liv. Trust me. How are you doing?" Elliot asks her, looking at her attentively. "Not too tired from the walk?"

Olivia wiggles her head.

"Let's just say I'm glad it's not further away."

It's an admission she hadn't wanted to make but she knows she won't get stronger by lying about what she can and can't do.

They sit on a bench for a little while and when Chris wakes up, they decide to head back before he starts asking for food. The movement of the pram lulls him back to sleep and Olivia makes a mental note of it. She's heard that taking a child for a walk can calm them down and it's good to know her son is no exception.

Once they're back home, Elliot insists that she relax on the couch with Chris while he starts dinner. She has been awake and walking around more this weekend than the first few days after giving birth and she's relieved that she finally seems to be making progress. Her son's first checkup is coming up and she wants to be awake and alert, so she will be able to focus on whatever the Doctor tells her about her child.

After feeding Chris, Olivia bathes him in his tiny little bathtub. It's becoming a wonderful ritual for the two of them. Chris loves being in the warm water and will relax to a point where Olivia has to make sure he doesn't slip out of her hand and go under water. He is beginning to move around more, waving his arms and kicking his legs, but once in the water, he stills and just looks up at her with his huge brown eyes. Sometimes he even frowns a little and they've already taken a few pictures for posterity of his frowning little face. His curly dark hair sticks to his little head as if it's been slicked back and Elliot says it makes him look pretty cool. He kind of looks like Fin, they agree, including the frown. Fin is definitely getting a copy of one of those pictures.

After his bath, Olivia puts his diaper on and wraps him in a fluffy towel. She walks up to Elliot in the kitchen with the baby, who now smells deliciously of baby shampoo.

"Chris is off to bed again," she tells her partner.

Elliot leans in to give the baby a kiss on the cheek.

"Sleep well, little man," he whispers.

He then gives the mother a kiss too, and Olivia leans into him a little to prolong it. Elliot smiles against her lips but tells her he really needs to focus on his cooking. Olivia pouts a little and then they both laugh. She's still chuckling when she walks off to put Chris to bed and it hits her then, how happy she is feeling. A chill shoots up her spine and she blinks a few times to get some unexpected moist out of her eyes.

Happiness.

She's never really known it. Could it really, finally, be her turn now?

...

 **Please review!  
And feel free to send me suggestions for what you would like to see in this story before I wrap it up.**


	57. Long Night

**I hope you all don't think I'm going overboard with the baby cuteness? I don't mean to drag out this story, it's just so much fun to write Olivia with a newborn. But the story will progress a little again in this chapter. I hope you will enjoy.**

...

 **57\. Long night**

It's her third day home alone with her son and to her own surprise, Olivia isn't going stir crazy. Not yet, anyway. She does long for the moment when Elliot gets home so she can hear all about his day, but she doesn't miss the job as much as she had expected. When Elliot calls to tell her he won't be home for dinner, she does feel a little disappointed but she understands. She knows what it's like. And Chris keeps her busy throughout the day. He's not a difficult baby at all, but he needs constant monitoring. They haven't left the house on their own yet, and Olivia wants to ask Elliot if they can go out soon to buy a baby carrier, so she won't need the pram to get out of the house with Chris. She can just carry him against her chest.

Not feeling like cooking for one, Olivia decides to order in. It's been a while since she's had Thai food and she loves every bite of it. Elliot texts her, telling her not to wait up and she lets him know there are some leftovers for him in the fridge if he feels hungry once he does get home. The team is all over an urgent case and while she doesn't know all the details, Elliot had let it slip that there are children involved. It almost makes her sick to her stomach and she holds her son a little closer after his last meal of the day. It's past eleven and she hopes he will sleep for a couple of hours again, just like the last two nights. But after just two hours, he wakes her up with a fairly loud wail. She can't imagine that he's hungry again already but tries to get him to drink anyway. He drinks for only a minute and then he starts squirming again, making very unhappy sounds, and spits out some milk. Olivia can't imagine what's bothering him. She tries to calm him down in every way she can think of, but Chris stays restless to the point where he's full-on crying. She's never seen him like this and she feels insecure and even clammy. What should she do?

Olivia checks his diaper. There's just a little bit of poop in it and she changes it, but she can't imagine Chris would cry so much about so little. The clean diaper doesn't help. She tries to get him to fall asleep next to her in the big bed but it doesn't work either. By now, Chris is red in the face, kicking his legs and waving his fists angrily, as if his mother is supposed to know what's the matter and fix it immediately.

And then she remembers the Thai food. Maybe he has a stomach ache because of the spicy food she ate! She rubs his little belly and tries putting him in her bed on his stomach but nothing helps. Chris keeps crying and it's getting louder too, up to a point that Olivia can't stand the sound anymore. By the time Elliot finally gets home, Olivia is in tears.

"What's going on in here?" Elliot asks, rushing into her bedroom without bothering to knock.

"He … He just won't stop crying," Olivia gasps, wiping a few tears from her cheeks.

Elliot looks at Chris, crying and squirming in the middle of the big bed, and at Olivia, who is on the brink of panicking because she doesn't know what to do.

"I think I ate something wrong. I had Thai food and now …"

She sighs and takes a deep breath but Elliot interrupts her, sitting down next to her

"Liv. It's not the Thai food. Maybe he has cramps but that's not because of anything you ate."

He rubs her back soothingly but Olivia isn't so sure if what he's saying is true.

"So how come he's never cried like this before, and the instant I order in, this happens."

She makes a helpless gesture at the screaming baby and feels horrible about her own negative feelings towards her son. It's not that she doesn't love him anymore but she's at the end of her rope.

Elliot picks Chris up and starts walking around the apartment with him. It's a relief for Olivia to be away from his screaming for a minute, but she soon follows them to see if Chris is calming down in any way. Elliot has draped Chris on his broad forearm, stomach down, his other hand resting on the baby's back, and is rocking him calmly while walking around the living room. It doesn't seem to be helping much at first, but after a while, Chris finally stops screaming, and just whimpers from time to time.

"He's exhausted," Elliot tells Olivia softly.

"So am I," she sighs. "I shouldn't have eaten the Thai food."

Elliot reaches for her with his free arm and she lets him pull her close, trapping Chris safely between them so he can't fall off his forearm.

"It's not the food baby, I promise," Elliot mumbles against her temple before dropping a kiss there. "These things happen. He's getting bigger and his body will change, too. Babies get cramps. I'm just sorry I didn't get home sooner."

"You didn't know."

Olivia sags a little against Elliot and he rubs her back soothingly.

"It's not all sunshine and daisies Liv. Being a parent is hard work."

She chuckles and looks down at her child. He seems to be feeling better now and he is trying to lift his head.

"You wanna take him again?" Elliot asks and she nods.

She loves her baby more than anything and she hates how much she hated the sound of his crying earlier. At first, she just wanted him to be okay, but after a while, she began feeling sorry for herself and she feels disappointed in herself now. She whispers words of apology to her son as she holds him and lets his little head rest on her shoulder. Chris is quiet now and she thinks he's ready to go back to sleep. They put him back in his crib together and Olivia sighs. It's hard work indeed, especially when her son can't tell her what's wrong.

"You wanna take a shower together?" Elliot asks her softly and the question takes her completely by surprise.

She turns around to face him, eyebrows raised and her mouth open. Elliot shrugs and gives her a half smile.

"I noticed you're kinda clammy and I just got home after a very long day so …"

The idea of a shower does appeal to her. She is in need of a change of clothes after the upsetting few hours she's had and the idea of taking a shower with Elliot appeals to her as well, although she isn't sure what he expects of her, less than two weeks after giving birth.

"It's just a shower," Elliot says, answering her unasked question and she nods.

"A shower sounds great."

She's exhausted like little Chris, but she does feel a need to clean up and they undress quietly while the shower water warms up. They wash their hair and they wash each other and the activity is extremely calming for Olivia. Elliot's presence is calming for her right now and when his body begins to respond to her touch, he assures her that he just wants to sleep, just like her.

"My little detective just can't help himself," he jokes and Olivia giggles at that remark.

"Your little detective?" she chuckles, giving him an extra little squeeze before releasing him.

Elliot pulls her against him and they sway a little under the warm spray, letting the water rinse off all the soap before drying off and slipping into fresh sleepwear for the night. It's past 2 AM by now and they really need sleep before Chris wakes them up again. They walk into Olivia's room together automatically and it feels good that it's normal again for Elliot to join her at night. She hears and feels him drift off almost immediately after his head hits the pillow and realizes she hasn't even asked him about his day. Maybe she doesn't want to know this time. Not when there are children suffering.

…

Elliot is up early again the next morning and Olivia is glad she doesn't have to get up yet. Chris has kept them busy during the long night and she's still way too tired to do anything. Before he leaves, Elliot tells her he's hoping to have a short work day today, because they're just wrapping up their latest case and he'd put in a lot of extra hours the evenings before. Still, Olivia is mildly surprised when he comes home at two in the afternoon.

"That was a super short day," she remarks, getting up from the couch where she'd been watching some TV.

Elliot hums as he hangs his coat on the rack and then watches her so seriously that she knows something is up. She walks up to him and makes and inviting gesture with her hands.

"So what's up?"

"Kathy's neighbor called."

"Oh. Something wrong?"

"I'm not sure if you can call it wrong," Elliot says. "Kathy has been to counseling and now she's convinced herself she needs to talk to you."

"To me?"

Olivia isn't sure what to make of that.

"What does she want to say to me?"

Elliot rubs the back of his neck and blows out a breath.

"I'm not completely sure. I called her from the station and I got mixed signals. Bottom line is that she does feel guilty so I suppose that's a good thing. But if you're not up to it yet, she'll just have to understand."

Olivia isn't sure if she's up to a confrontation with Elliot's ex wife. She isn't even sure if she'll ever be ready for it but maybe that's the best reason to just agree to it and get it over with.

"I don't mind talking to her," she tells Elliot. "As long as she behaves in my home and doesn't disturb Chris. I don't want her near him."

She isn't sure where that last remark came from but she knows it's true. She doesn't want Kathy to be a part of Chris's life. Not yet, anyway. He's just eleven days old and still adapting to being out in the big world, and she is still adapting to being a mother. She doesn't want this drama touching Chris's little life just yet.

"Fair enough," Elliot agrees instantly, and she's glad he is her ally in this.

"So why did her neighbor think it was necessary to call you?" she asks him.

"Kathy's kind of hyped up. I talked to her on the phone and she calmed down a little while we spoke, but maybe I should go over there first. If she's high on some kind of medication, she shouldn't come over until it subsides. She reminded me a little of my mother in one of her hyperactive modes."

They agree that it's best that Elliot goes to Queens first to test the waters, and they'll take it from there. He leaves right away and Olivia sits down again but she isn't interested in the TV anymore. What will Kathy want to say to her? Will it be an apology or something else?

...


	58. Apologies and accusations

**A little confession: I'm not at all happy with one aspect of what I've recently written for this story: it has taken Elliot and Olivia too long to continue their talk. I will try to fix it, using Kathy as a catalyst for some big truths to come out. I will be killing two birds with one stone, so to speak (well, in two chapters). I hope you'll like it.**

...

 **58\. Apologies and accusations**

They've made an appointment with Kathy for a week from Sunday.

Olivia doesn't know if she should feel relieved or disappointed that the talk won't happen today. Part of her is definitely relieved but another part just wants to get it over with. But Elliot has assured her that Kathy is still a little unstable. He has convinced her that she needs more time to talk things through with her therapist and to gather her thoughts before she comes over. Having a date as a goal to work towards, should help Kathy focus. Chris will be exactly three weeks old that Sunday, and it was supposed to be the first weekend they'd have the kids over again for a night. Elliot has postponed that to the following weekend. Olivia can feel herself getting stronger again, both physically and mentally, and with an extra week added, she will only have gotten stronger. Also, it will be good to be alone with just Chris and Elliot after her talk with Kathy, she reasons, and so she accepts the postponement.

Still, she is hit with a wave of nerves every now and then as another week goes by, and she knows it's because she's always felt this pang of guilt about having feelings for the other woman's husband. There is no need for guilt anymore but old habits and reflexes can be persistent and this is definitely one of them. She can only hope that Kathy has accepted the end of her marriage by now and won't be too upset when she eventually finds out that Elliot's relationship with his partner has changed to a romantic one after all.

Being out with Chris is a wonderful distraction for Olivia, and she is taking a long walk with him alone for the first time, sporting the baby carrier Elliot had picked up for her on his way back from work a few days earlier. Until now, she hadn't gotten any further than the nearest Healthy Market on the corner of 10th Avenue and West 45th, and usually it would be the three of them, but it feels good to strain her muscles again a little. She walks briskly towards the Hudson river for a while before slowing down to a pace that she will hopefully be able to maintain for a while. It's cloudy but not raining and once she reaches Pier 84, she sits down on a bench near the dog run. Chris is still too tiny to look at the dogs but she is already looking forward to coming here with him again when he's older. For now, she enjoys the view of the river for a while before heading back. Chris is sleeping contently against her chest but she knows he will wake up eventually, demanding to be fed. It looks like he's starting to wake up a little already, but when Olivia starts walking, the motion lulls him back to sleep. He doesn't wake up until they are back home and Olivia unclasps the baby carrier.

"Hey there, little man. We're home," she tells her son softly, and he blinks a few times before looking up at her with wide eyes.

It's the first time Olivia feels like Chris is looking straight at her very consciously and she feels a lump forming in her throat when he doesn't look away and continues staring at her. She can't wait for his first smile and just thinking about it makes her feel even more mushy.

"Come on Benson, snap out of it," she whispers to herself and Chris answers her by waving his arms and making a little sound.

"What's that, Chris?" Olivia asks, grinning widely. "Are you trying to tell mommy something?"

She sits down on the couch, still in her coat and lays Chris on his back in her lap, also still in his little coat, a gift from Kathleen. Chris coos again and Olivia chuckles. When she tries to get his coat off, Chris squirms a little, but as soon as he's out of the coat and settled in her lap again, he continues staring up at her.

Olivia feels like her son is studying her face to memorize it, letting it sink in that this is what his mother looks like. She wonders if every child does this or if hers is just amazingly super special. Must be the latter, she thinks, smiling to herself. Chris makes another throaty sound as if responding to her smile and she leans forward to kiss his little nose. Chris waves his arms and kicks out his legs, pushing into his mother's stomach. Olivia chuckles, enjoying these precious moments with her child and when she leans forward again, it's as if Chris tries to grab her face with his little hands. She takes his hands in hers and kisses the insides of them while telling her son,

"I love you, Chris. So much. Nothing's ever going to change that."

They play together a little more and then relax together while Olivia feeds Chris. Looking down at her bundle of joy, she feels like he is grounding her in a way. And he's doing it effortlessly, simply by existing and by accepting her as his mother without any question. He has given her a new identity in a way and it's one that gives her a strength that is different from the strength she's felt before, as a cop and as a supporter of victims of assault and abuse. And she suddenly knows it's a strength that will help her to face Kathy, no matter what the woman will throw at her. The doubt she had always carried with her whether she should have been born at all, has suddenly evaporated and it's all because of her child. They never planned to have him but he has every right to live. And he exists because of her. Nothing and no one can ever take that away from her again.

…

Sunday afternoon.

Chris is asleep and Olivia prays he will stick to his routine and sleep for a few hours, so he won't be any part of her talk with Kathy. Elliot has made them all some tea and he jumps a little at the sound of the buzzer. His ex-wife is here.

Olivia knows he's nervous as well. Elliot has been extremely busy and they haven't talked much about what to expect. She knows it should reassure her that Kathy wants to apologize, but she still braces herself for what's to come. When the blonde enters, the first thing that strikes Olivia is how old she looks. She's never thought about Kathy's age before, knowing she's about the same age as Elliot, but the tensions of the past year have clearly taken a toll on the woman. And Kathy's tense now.

Olivia has stood up and greets their guest rather formally while Elliot takes her coat.

"Hello Kathy. Could you find the address alright?"

"Uhm, yes. Actually, Maureen dropped me off."

"Is she still here?" Elliot pipes up but Kathy shakes her head.

"No. She needed the car and … I need to do this alone anyway."

"Why don't you have a seat?" Olivia says, walking back to the sitting area. "Elliot made tea."

Kathy nods. She glances at her ex-husband but says nothing and follows Olivia to the couch. Olivia can't help wondering if Elliot ever made tea while they were still married.

Kathy chooses the single armchair and sits down stiffly. She looks around the room and her discomfort is tangible. She must be aware that she is in Elliot's domain now, and there is no longer a place for her in his domain. And it's Olivia's domain as well. There are pictures of Elliot's children and a big portrait of Chris on the walls. When Elliot walks over with the tea on a tray, Kathy finally speaks.

"How is your baby doing, Olivia?"

"He's fine, thank you," Olivia says, feeling instantly on guard. Chris is off limits for now, at least until they have found some way to coexist without this suffocating tension hanging between them.

"If we're lucky, he'll sleep for another two to three hours," Elliot remarks.

His eyes meet hers and they send each other some silent encouragement.

"Maureen was a good sleeper too," Kathy says a little wistfully, but then she frowns as if reminding herself that this isn't a social call.

Once they all have a cup of tea in front of them on the coffee table and Elliot has sat down next to Olivia, Kathy takes a deep breath. The two Detectives wait for her to say something.

"Well …" the blonde says hesitantly after a few moments, staring at her hands that are clasped together in her lap. "This isn't easy for me but I do feel that … I made some pretty big mistakes and I should apologize for those."

Olivia is observing the woman, looking for signs of instability, but for now, she sees none. Just a lot of bottled-up nerves and emotions, but they all have those.

"I know I was wrong to tell the kids that their father was having a child with another woman and wanted nothing more to do with them. It was a horrible thing to put them through and I apologize for that."

Kathy had spoken quickly and seems to be relieved to have gotten the words out in one go. Perhaps it was a rehearsed little speech but Olivia can live with that, as long as she means it. And it appears as though she does.

"It really was an eye-opener when I saw your baby at the hospital, Olivia. And then Dickie's reaction. I hadn't realized his pain before, or the pain I was causing the girls. I was consumed with my own pain and I … I feel like I failed them as a mother."

Elliot starts to say something but Kathy quickly continues.

"No, Elliot. I know what you're going to say but I wasn't a good mother then. I _wasn't_. I was selfish and I was wallowing in my pain and a sense of righteousness that … that blinded me. I literally couldn't see what I was doing to my children."

"Or to Elliot," Olivia adds quietly.

Kathy chuckles humorlessly.

"Oh, I knew I was hurting _him_. That was the point."

"He never did anything to deserve that!" Olivia states firmly.

Elliot puts a hand on her arm and she realizes she's basically spat the words at Kathy. She's still as defensive as ever of her partner and best friend. Kathy watches the silent interaction between the two partners and then looks at Olivia again.

"I don't know for sure if he did or didn't. It's not just the actions that are unfaithful; it's the thoughts, too."

Elliot speaks up then, looking his ex-wife in the eyes when he tells her,

"Kathy, I am not going to keep repeating the same things I've been telling you for years. For the longest time, I never wanted any other woman but you. I have told you this before. I didn't marry you _just_ because of Maureen. I truly loved you. But your constant distrust broke something between us. I still didn't cheat on you, but I did fall out of love with you over time. And that potentially creates room for another person in someone's life."

"So you admit it!" Kathy gasps.

Olivia still will not tolerate any attacks on Elliot as a husband. He never crossed a line with her or anyone else. _Ever_. And so she huffs,

"Kathy, I have never known Elliot to be anything other than a very honorable man, father and husband!"

Elliot cuts in too, telling his ex,

"I thought you had come here to apologize to Olivia. Not to accuse us after all."

Kathy bites her lip and it looks like she is trying to calm herself down. Then she nods.

"I did," she agrees then. "Olivia, I'm sorry for flat-out accusing you of sleeping with my husband and of getting pregnant by him."

"Okay," Olivia says neutrally.

She doesn't know if she's ready to forgive the other woman yet. If she even knew the first thing about her, she would know that Olivia would never get involved with a married man. That wedding ring had been a huge barrier between her and Elliot. An insurmountable one.

"But … I do admit that I never trusted you. Not since the first day I saw you," Kathy continues, and to her credit, she doesn't avert her eyes this time. She's looking straight at Olivia.

"My therapist is trying to show me that in the end, that probably has more to do with me and my own insecurities than with you."

Olivia thinks that three weeks is a very short time span to learn such huge lessons, but for now she'll take what Kathy is offering. Kathy glances at Elliot and the look in her blue eyes becomes sad when she adds,

"I know she's much more beautiful than I am."

Elliot takes a breath to say something again but Kathy lifts a hand, letting him know she's not done.

"But to assume that that would be reason enough for Elliot to cheat on me …"

Kathy sighs and Olivia can't help wondering if the woman has really let go of that idea or is she is just repeating the words of her therapist.

"I've tried to hate you," Kathy admits and her eyes are still sad when she looks between the two partners. "And I guess I succeeded a few times. I mean, you know things about him that he'll never tell me. About the job … the stuff he has to deal with … how that affects him ..."

"He only wanted to protect you and the children," Olivia interjects and Kathy nods.

"I know that. But it still hurt to see him confide in you … to clam up with me and then call you half an hour later or leave the house and I'd know he was going to you … and you being so beautiful and … nice."

The last word sounds frustrated and Kathy quickly follows it up.

"I guess I was looking for a reason to finally be allowed to hate you."

"There is no reason whatsoever to hate Olivia," Elliot states firmly. So firmly that both women look at him with their eyebrows raised.

"Well? There isn't," Elliot repeats, looking mainly at Olivia. "You did nothing wrong. You were the one to always encourage me to talk to her," he said, gesturing at Kathy. "You were the one who sent me home to tuck my kids in, leaving you to wrap up the paperwork after a long night. Suspecting me of going behind your back was one thing, Kathy. But to implicate Liv …!"

Elliot's own frustration is showing and he's raised his voice. Olivia wonders if the former spouses are going to start arguing. She doesn't want her son to wake up but Kathy gets louder now too.

"Go on, Elliot. Let it all out. Maybe now is the time, since we're all here. Right or wrong, why was it so horrible to implicate _Liv?_ Is she going to be the one to fill the void after all? Since you just said … how did you call it? You fell out of love with me, and that created room for someone else?"

Olivia swallows hard. What will Elliot say now? He stands up and looks down at his ex-wife menacingly before he tells her in no uncertain terms,

"As a matter of fact, yes."

...

 **To be continued ...**


	59. Explanation

**I'm glad some of you are liking the mother-baby bonding scenes. Like I said before in this story with regards to the pregnancy, I have put some of my own experience into it. This also goes for the baby stuff :) Getting to know your own child is such an adventure.  
Now, some of you who have been keeping track of this story may have been waiting for this next part ... I know it's been a long time but I was always planning to have Elliot explain himself a lot better to Olivia. And this seems to be as good a time as any. Enjoy?**

...

 **59\. Explanation**

 _Elliot's own frustration is showing and he's raised his voice. Olivia wonders if the former spouses are going to start arguing. She doesn't want her son to wake up but Kathy gets louder now too._

 _"Go on, Elliot. Let it all out. Maybe now is the time, since we're all here. Right or wrong, why was it so horrible to implicate_ Liv? _Is she going to be the one to fill the void after all? Since you just said … how did you call it? You fell out of love with me, and that created room for someone else?"_

 _Olivia swallows hard. What will Elliot say now? He stands up and looks down at his ex-wife menacingly before he tells her in no uncertain terms,_

 _"As a matter of fact, yes."_

...

"What?" both women gasp simultaneously.

They stare up at Elliot, who is still looking down at Kathy. Olivia can't help wondering if he's not only looking down at her literally but also figuratively now. She can't see his face but she can see Kathy's reaction to it very clearly. The woman is shocked.

But who wouldn't be, after what Elliot has just said? Has he just admitted to Kathy that he wants to be with his partner? It feels like the temperature in the room has just dropped a few degrees and Olivia shivers.

"You heard me," Elliot says, lowering his voice. Then he glances at Olivia over his shoulder and turns to face her.

"It's true," he tells both of them, sitting back down next to Olivia.

He's sitting so close to her now that the side of his knee bumps into hers and Olivia feels her heartbeat speeding up. Both women are silent, attempting to process Elliot's words and interpret them. _What_ is true? What has he just told both of them?

"It's like I said," Elliot continues. "For years, there was absolutely no room for another woman in my life. Not in that way, anyway. I never stopped trying to convince you, Kathy, that I wanted you and only you. But you kept pushing me away until finally, I found myself start to give up."

Olivia wants to reach out and touch Elliot to comfort him, because the defeat is written all over his face and it is so not like him to give up. Ever. Meanwhile, his ex-wife is sipping her tea and Olivia wonders if she's even listening to Elliot.

"I guess what happened when I started to give up, was a very natural process. Olivia was already my friend and someone I could talk to about the job. And over time, I found myself wanting to be with her more than I wanted to be with you."

Kathy is staring at her ex-husband blankly now and Olivia wonders if she's processing anything anymore.

"I did want to go home, always. For the kids," Elliot adds and Olivia can feel the lump forming in his throat herself. "But over time, I didn't feel at home anymore with you."

Olivia is trembling. She doesn't remember now what she had expected to happen today, but it sure wasn't this. Elliot is pouring his heart out in front of both his ex-wife and his new love. Because that's what he's saying, isn't it? That she's his new love?

"And you felt at home with her?"

It looks like Elliot's defeat is contagious because Kathy's shoulders sag and she bows her head.

"I did. And I do," Elliot confirms.

He reaches for Olivia's hand and holds it, resting their joined hands on his thigh.

"I was right all along," Kathy whispers. "I can't believe I was right all along."

"Have you been listening to _anything_ I've said?" Elliot asks her, and Olivia can feel the tension rising again in his body.

" _You_ pushed me away, Kathy! Your constant distrust pushed me away. Things would be very different if you hadn't done that. I didn't _want_ to be pushed away. That's on you and I refuse to apologize for finally giving up on you. I did everything I could. _Everything!_ It was just never enough."

Olivia squeezes his hand and he squeezes it back lightly without looking at her. His eyes are fixed on Kathy, who is now staring at both of them again.

"But if you had never met Olivia …" Kathy starts but Elliot cuts her off immediately.

"You would _still_ have lost me! Maybe it would have taken longer because your paranoia kicked into overdrive once you met my new partner, but you would still have broken my will to try any longer eventually. I just can't … I can't do it anymore."

Elliot is squeezing Olivia's hand very hard now and she gently extracts it from his grip, so she can move it to his back. She caresses his back gently, hoping to calm him down a little. She knows that all of his frustration with Kathy is bubbling just beneath the surface and she hopes Kathy knows this too. A few more unwise words, and he's going to explode. Elliot hangs his head and shakes it, trying to focus on the here and now again.

Unfortunately, Kathy is less perceptive of his mood than Olivia and more focused on her own hurt feelings.

"So I failed you as a wife," she mutters. "And now you think you're better off with a woman who let herself get knocked up by a stranger on vacation."

At those words, the two Detectives rise to their feet simultaneously, as one. From the look on Kathy's face, she instantly realizes her mistake.

"I'm sorry," she says quickly, jumping up as well. "I shouldn't have said that."

"No, you shouldn't have," Olivia agrees. "I will not be insulted in my own home, and most certainly not by you after everything you've done."

"Exactly," Elliot growls. "I think it's time for you to leave and think very long and hard about what you just said. Because that same fact that Olivia got pregnant on vacation, should prove to you that there was _absolutely nothing_ going on between her and me! We were close as partners but that was it! And when you chose to insult both her and me by accusing us of sleeping together, it was _you_ who gave our marriage the final blow. Not me! And most definitely not Olivia."

Elliot takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down while Kathy takes a few steps back until she is standing behind the chair she had been sitting on. She holds on to the backrest as if she's afraid she is going to fall over. Or maybe she's using the chair as a shield between her and the two Detectives.

Olivia reaches for Elliot's hand and he looks at her then. His eyes soften when he looks into hers and Olivia gives him a small, comforting smile. She has always taken such good care not to touch Elliot in public but if this talk with Kathy has accomplished anything, it is that she's no longer afraid to show her affection for Elliot. Elliot seems to register that and she sees the storm in his blue eyes calm down. His face relaxes and then the rest of his body follows. Only then does he look at his ex-wife again.

Kathy is nodding, her eyes moving from one Detective to the other a few times until they settle on Elliot.

"You love her."

It's not a question. It's a statement.

"I do."

Elliot speaks without hesitation and Olivia feels like a warm blanket is being draped around her, chasing away the chill she had felt earlier.

"Are you going to marry her?"

There is only a very small hitch before Elliot answers the question.

"I am. If she'll have me."

Olivia feels like someone has just knocked the wind out of her. She lets go of Elliot's hand and sits down hard on the couch. She doesn't register the rest of the conversation between Kathy and Elliot at all. She hears Kathy raise her voice one last time before the woman goes all but silent and Elliot ushers her out of the apartment.

Meanwhile, Olivia's mind is spinning. Elliot has just told his ex-wife that he loves her. _Her_. And that he wants to marry her! And here she was right after Chris's birth, thinking - no, _knowing_ he would leave her. She can't remember now why she ever thought that. Can hormones really mess a person up that much? Is that what happened to Kathy after she had Kathleen? Only the blonde was never able to shake it off again whereas Olivia … allows a sense of joy to gradually fill her senses. Her son is already helping her so much in finally finding her rightful place in the world and now her best friend, the man she has loved for years but who could never be hers, wants to marry her. And he has told his ex-wife, who is the one person who always managed to make her feel guilty for loving Elliot, even if she never did anything to encourage him or try to get him for herself.

Her entire world has just shifted and for the first time in her life, she welcomes the change with open arms. Until now, she hadn't been sure of what her future would look like with Chris and Elliot under one roof but it's as if all the pieces of her life are finally falling into place.

 _This is right._

How right Elliot was when he said those words. This is right. She feels it with every fiber of her being.

A tiny cry from the bedroom catches her attention and automatically she stands up to go and get her son. When she returns with Chris in her arms and sits back down on the couch, Elliot comes back into the apartment. He must have gone outside with Kathy, she hadn't noticed. Chris isn't crying yet, just making it clear to them that he's done sleeping and Elliot walks up to them. Olivia is still reeling a bit from their conversation with Kathy and especially from how it ended, and looks up at Elliot with wide eyes.

Elliot stops in front of her and then sits down on his knees. He looks at Chris and smiles. He caresses Chris's soft hair gently before lifting his eyes to the baby's mother's eyes. The love in his eyes is mesmerizing and Olivia just stares at him until a hiccup coming from her son breaks the spell between them. They both look at the three-week old baby and then back up at each other. Elliot places his palms against the outsides of Olivia's thighs and she suddenly feels her chest constrict a little. Is he going to …

"Olivia," Elliot says quietly and she forces herself to keep breathing.

"Yes."

"I want to explain something to you."

"Okay."

"Remember a few months ago when I told you I wouldn't make love to you while you were pregnant?"

She nods. How could she forget?

"You took that to mean that I was somehow rejecting your child because he's not mine."

"Yes," Olivia whispers. It had been so painful.

"I didn't know what to tell you at the time because …"

Elliot blows out a breath and shakes his head, and Olivia realizes that he's nervous as hell. But he takes another deep breath and continues. Or rather, he starts over.

"I know I can get pretty possessive of the people I love. And that includes you. But … there was no way for any of us to know what would happen once you had your baby. I mean, with regards to Miguel."

Olivia frowns. With regards to Miguel?

"I just … didn't want you to rush into sleeping with me … yeah yeah, I know. Can't really call it rushing in in our case but hear me out, okay?"

Olivia grins and nods. She had huffed rather loudly when he'd said the words 'rush into' but she'll hear him out.

"So I didn't want us to take that step before you as well as Miguel were absolutely sure you didn't want to build something together after all, for Chris's sake."

Something suddenly clicks in Olivia's brain.

"Because that's what _you_ would have wanted to try if you had knocked someone up," she says.

In fact, that's exactly what he did back then with Kathy.

"Exactly," Elliot confirms. "And I could tell that Miguel is a decent guy. I couldn't rule it out."

"So you didn't want to sleep with me because you didn't want me to regret it?"

"Right," Elliot nods. "And I didn't want you to feel like you had made a commitment to me yet, so you could make a real choice when the time came."

Elliot looks down at the baby in Olivia's lap and she looks at him too.

"And now he's here and Miguel isn't," Olivia says quietly.

Things are starting to make sense again.

"Yeah."

Elliot leans forward and drops a kiss to Chris's head.

"I know what I want, Olivia. I didn't want to move too fast but I do want you. All of you. And I want to be in this little fella's life. That's another reason I wanted to wait until after he arrived before doing this."

Elliot sits up a little straighter and starts to fumble a bit, trying to get something out of his jeans pocket. Olivia bites her lip. Is this really happening? Once Elliot has apparently found what he was looking for, holding it in a closed fist, he looks up at her again, smiling nervously.

"I meant what I said to Kathy," he tells her. "And I wanted her to know that once and for all. And I wanted Chris to be here for this too."

Elliot opens his fist and Olivia starts blinking furiously when she sees the ring in his hand.

"I want to do everything right this time, Liv," Elliot says, his voice trembling a little. "And that's why I'm asking both of you … Olivia will you marry me and Chris, will you let me be your daddy?"

...

 **:D :D**

 **Please review!**


	60. Moving forward

**So … this story is almost coming to an end. There's a (small) time jump in this chapter and there will be another one in the next chapter, and then we'll be wrapping up. But first … what will Olivia's answer be? ( As if you don't know :D )**

...

 **60\. Moving forward**

 _Elliot opens his fist and Olivia starts blinking furiously when she sees the ring in his hand._

" _I want to do everything right this time, Liv," Elliot says, his voice trembling a little. "And that's why I'm asking both of you … Olivia will you marry me and Chris, will you let me be your daddy?"_

Olivia tries to take a deep breath but fails, letting out a shaky huff instead. Chris coos and the two Detectives smile simultaneously. The baby has already given his answer. It's Olivia's turn and she starts nodding because she can't seem to find her voice. It's been a whirlwind of an afternoon and she has barely recovered from the confrontation with Kathy, who couldn't seem to decide whether she was apologizing or attacking them, and now this. Now here's Elliot turning her world upside down once again.

How he's been able to turn around so quickly after getting rid of his combative ex-wife is beyond her but she'll take it. She wants what he's offering, more than anything in the world but she can hardly believe it. Finally, she stammers,

"A ... Are you sure?"

Elliot drops his head in her lap dramatically and sighs against her thigh,

"Am I sure? Chris, tell her I'm sure, buddy. Tell her to say yes."

Chris just waves his arms, knocking his little hand against the crown of Elliot's head, and Olivia chuckles through the thickness of her throat. She looks at the ring in Elliot's hand, which is now next to her on the couch, and places a hand on the back of Elliot's head.

"Yes," she says softly.

Elliot's head shoots up and he stares up at her with sparkling, hopeful eyes.

"Yes?"

"Of course I want to marry you," Olivia says, still almost whispering.

It seems surreal to have everything she's ever wanted thrown at her in the span of just a few months like this, but she's not going to second-guess it. Not this time. Elliot planned this. He went out to buy her a ring, probably right after they sort of made up. He's sure like he's always been sure of his choices. It's time for her to start trusting his judgement and let go of her own insecurities. This is right.

When Elliot wraps his arms around her and her son, still on his knees in front of her, she leans forward to kiss him. Elliot meets her halfway and she cups his cheek with her free hand while they kiss each other sweetly. She feels one of her own tears glide down her hand. It is a tear of happiness and she smiles against Elliot's lips. They break apart and she is met with the widest grin she's even seen on his face. Elliot takes her hand and his fingers are shaking when he slides the ring around the ringfinger of her left hand. They're still grinning like fools when Chris begins to squirm between them. He's been patient long enough and wants to be fed. Elliot sits next to them on the couch and they sit together quietly while Olivia nurses her son. Their son? They haven't discussed that part yet but he says he wants to be Chris's daddy … Olivia looks at the handsome man sitting next to her and sees the tenderness in his eyes when he looks at Chris.

"You're his daddy already," she says softly.

Elliot wraps his arm around her shoulders and kisses her temple.

"Thank you Liv."

"I should thank _you_ ," she counters. He's giving her so much.

"And I'm thanking you. You've been so strong and brave through all of this and I knew it would be hard for you not to feel guilty about us. I'm really proud of you and I'm grateful that you still want me after all this shit that my family has dumped on you."

Olivia chuckles but she knows what he means. He's being serious.

"It's alright," she assures him. "They're all coming around now, aren't they? And even for Kathy there's no way around me now. You've made sure of that. Thank you for that, El."

Elliot leans closer to kiss her sweetly on the lips, trying not to disturb the baby, who isn't drinking as furiously anymore as in the beginning.

"You're really sure now, aren't you," he remarks, and Olivia can tell he's a little surprised.

"Yeah," she nods. "I guess I am."

"How come you're not scared anymore Liv? I mean … even after Kathy …" he gestures in the direction of the chair where his ex-wife had sat just twenty minutes ago. "I still thought you might freak out once I proposed."

Olivia smiles and looks at her son. She knows what Elliot means and she also knows why she isn't running away anymore.

"I think I've finally found my place in the world," she says quietly, still looking down at her child. The child that would not exist if she hadn't been born.

Elliot shifts next to her and turns towards her, as far as their position will allow, sitting side by side on the couch with a baby in Olivia's lap. She looks at him and can see all kinds of emotions in his eyes. He understands. He knows exactly what she means and it makes her swallow hard. He knows her better than anyone else in the world and he knows she's finally ready to embrace her own life and to start living it. Not living to prove something. Not living just for everyone else. But for herself. And for her little family.

…

 _Two weeks later_

Olivia groans and bites her lip. The frustration has been building for days now. She is all for Elliot doing things in the right order this time but they are engaged to be married for heaven's sake, and they still haven't had sex yet. Her Doctor had told her to wait until she's no longer bleeding and while the bleeding has gotten considerably less over the past weeks, it's not completely over yet.

Chris has now moved to his own bedroom and they're in her bed together as usual. Elliot is kissing her neck and caressing her abdomen and she really, really would like to be touched further down her body. Elliot understands her frustration and has some of his own, and the best he can come up with is to push his muscular thigh against her core. It helps, but it's not what she craves.

"You're sure we can't …" Elliot grunts near her ear.

"I'm sure," she sighs.

First Elliot had wanted to wait, but now that they're both more than ready, they _still_ have to wait.

"This is one reason why I was trying to wait a while but … we did need to clear the air and now …"

"I know," Olivia sighs.

Ever since they've expressed all of their feelings for each other, they've been growing more anxious to move forward in their relationship in every way. Olivia has started working out a little again. She is making sure not to overdo anything but it's good to see her belly shrinking and to feel that she's getting back into shape. Gradually, she's starting to feel more like her old self again physically. Mentally though, nothing will ever be the same. She's a mother now and according to Elliot, she's an absolute natural. Taking the step to move Chris out of her bedroom had gone naturally as well, once he started sleeping for at least four hours during the night. And although she didn't sleep well the first two nights, she knows now that she will always hear her son when he needs her.

Taking the step to find daycare for him so she can go back to work, is a different matter. Cragen had called after four weeks as agreed, but she's not ready yet. She knows she should have started looking for a place, or at least _someone_ to look after Chris for her sooner, perhaps even before his birth, but she'd had other things on her mind.

Tomorrow, they're going to visit a few day care centers and afterwards, they're going to talk to Cragen about their relationship. Olivia is restless about both.

Elliot is trying to take her mind off of things for a while and she's finally given in to his advances. She misses the real thing though. She misses sex. A lot. She feels that her body is ready but for now, Elliot can't even use his hands without making a mess. He's offered to try and she thinks it's very sweet, but she knows she'd just be completely distracted by the idea of it so she's refused. Riding his thigh will have to do for now and her desperate body caves easily, and so does Elliot's. They hold each other close once their bodies calm down, and Olivia loves how her belly is no longer in the way.

"Just another week, maybe ten days, and then you're mine," she mumbles against his neck, and Elliot chuckles.

"Can't wait," he says, kissing her temple softly. "Just try to sleep now."

Thoughts about tomorrow try to creep back into her mind but she pushes them away. She's here now in Elliot's arms and her son is sleeping soundly in his crib. Tomorrow is another day.

…

"Married?!"

Cragen is stunned.

They can't really blame him. Until now, they've pretty much denied any kind of involvement beyond being partners and then roommates. But they know their boss had begun to catch on when he was visiting them after Chris had been born and he's taking the news relatively well.

"Have you two given any thought to the consequences with regards to your jobs?" he asks after getting over his initial shock.

"Yes sir, we have," Elliot says firmly. "And I'm willing to transfer out so Liv can stay here. She lives and breathes for this unit so if it's okay with you, she should stay."

Cragen raises an eyebrow and looks at Olivia, clearly wondering if Elliot can really speak for her like this.

"We've talked it over and since it's probably out of the question for both of us to stay, this is what we came up with," Olivia confirms.

She had been very relieved when Elliot suggested that he be the one to transfer. Her life may have changed considerably, but she's not ready to leave the Special Victims Unit, which is basically her life calling. Maybe she will never be ready to leave. She glances at the pram that is parked next to her chair in Cragen's office. Chris is still sleeping but she knows he will start to get hungry within the next hour.

"Alright, I'll give it some thought. Meanwhile, how do you plan on combining the job with that little guy over there?" Cragen asks Olivia, gesturing at the pram. The older man smiles faintly and she knows he adores Chris, just like everyone else who has met him.

"You mean, how are _we_ planning on combining things," Elliot says pointedly, earning him a bright smile from his fiancée.

"Right," she chimes in. "Why do people always assume that the woman has to juggle to combine parenthood with a job, and never the man?"

"Point taken, I guess," Cragen says hesitantly, glancing from one Detective to the other and back. "So you're uh …"

"Yes," Elliot replies instantly. "We're doing this together. If Ortega agrees, I hope to be adopting little Chris soon. And I'd like to find a department that allows for flexible hours, so I can drop Chris off or pick him up whenever Liv's working late or needs to catch up on some sleep after an allnighter."

"Wow," Cragen sighs. He clearly needs some time to digest all these sudden changes.

They fill him in on their quest to find daycare for Chris as well as a nanny to pick him up when neither of them is available and Olivia suggests to meet again in a week to discuss how and when she'll be returning to the job; if he'll still have her.

Cragen laughs then and shakes his head before huffing,

"Is that even a question, Benson?"

…

 **A/N: Yes, I'm wrapping things up. But there are a few things that cannot remain unaddressed so stay tuned :D (Also, feel free to send me suggestions as to what should be included in the remaining chapters!)**


	61. Siblings

**Another little chapter for you guys. Remember, I've incorporated my own experiences as a new mom in this one so if you see something odd (like mother's milk decreasing because mom's back on the pill) just tell yourself: this must have happened to Anne. (Because it did.) Enjoy!**

...

 **61\. Siblings**

Olivia watches from a distance while the twins try to give Chris his bottle. Once a date had been set for her return to work, she had started giving him a bottle from time to time, and now she only breastfeeds him once a day anymore, late in the evening. She knows she's going to miss it and she makes sure to keep that appointment with her son no matter what, but it's as if her body knows that she has other things to do now. Her milk supply is decreasing rapidly, probably also because she's back on the pill. She savors that one last feeding now. It's her special time with Chris. But bottles do have one big advantage: she and Elliot now take turns with the 4 AM feeding and that adds quite a bit of sleep for her.

And now the twins are trying to give him a bottle. Olivia knows they'll be careful and she smiles, watching the two preteens fussing over the baby. Elizabeth is holding him but Dickie is hovering and telling her how to hold the bottle. Olivia can tell that Elizabeth is holding back because she's holding a seven-week old baby, otherwise she'd give her brother a piece of her mind. In the end, they manage to get Chris to drink properly before he starts to cry in frustration and Olivia turns away, smiling, to put on the water to start dinner.

Elliot is making a quick run to the grocery store with Kathleen because they hadn't really expected the kids tonight, but they're very happy to have them over again. Kathy hadn't said much on the phone but Elliot thinks she just needs some alone time, and so they switched weekends. Olivia had assured him it wasn't a problem, and seeing the twins fawn over her son is a treat in itself. Dickie has really come around.

Olivia is beginning to find her groove again and as difficult as it was to be away from Chris the first few days, she's starting to get used to it. She's been back to work for a week now and sometimes she's actually glad to be out of the house and just work. They've found a daycare center on the route from their home to the precinct. For now, Elliot is still working with Fin at the SVU while his transfer is being processed, and he will be joining the Missing Person's unit in a few weeks. It's located in the same building as the Special Victims unit, and they're both very happy with this arrangement. They may even work on the same cases when a missing person's case is about an abuse victim.

Olivia is curious how Elliot is going to handle telling the kids about their plans, because a talk with the kids is long overdue.

Elliot and Kathleen return with the groceries and Elliot gives her a chaste kiss on the cheek as he sidles up next to her with the ingredients she had asked for to make a large amount of Macaroni Bolognese.

"They look cozy," he mumbles, nodding in the direction of the living room while he and Kathleen put the rest of the groceries away.

"Yeah," Olivia agrees and she smiles again.

Who would have thought that the Stabler twins would be fighting over who got to burp her child?

"You gave him the bottle so it's only fair that I burp him," they hear Dickie argue and when they see the boy walking past the kitchen and back, bopping Chris gently up and down while holding him against his shoulder, they know he's won the argument with his sister.

"That's right, Chris, that's how you do it," Dickie says softly just before walking out of earshot of the adults in the kitchen.

Olivia bites her lip and glances at Elliot, and she can see that he is touched as well. Kathleen stands next to them and peers around the corner of the kitchen.

"He'd better not drop him," she says and then adds, quite a bit louder, "Hey Dick! Don't drop the kid!"

"Kathleen!" Elliot hisses, but the teenager just shrugs and walks out of the kitchen and up to her younger sister.

Olivia chuckles and returns to the stove, wanting to start making the sauce. Elliot stands close to her and wraps an arm around her waist.

"You okay?" he asks her softly, and she nods.

"Yes El. I'm fine. It's nice to have the kids here."

"You weren't sure about them at first, were you? I mean, when we started talking about sharing a place."

"No," she admits. "I've never had a lot of people around me. But they're great kids and they're yours so …"

"That's enough, right? That they're mine?"

Olivia looks up at her fiancé and smiles, knowing what he's referring to. He feels exactly the same about Chris. He adores him because he's Olivia's child. And that's enough.

They jump a little when Kathleen comes rushing back into the kitchen, lacking all subtlety as always.

"Hey lovebirds! Does Chris need a diaper change? Dickie's burped him but now he's trying to dump him on us again."

The two Detectives glance at each other and decide wordlessly not to react to the way Kathleen has just addressed them. Olivia simply tells the girl,

"Well, he usually needs a fresh one after he eats so if one of you would clean him up, that'd be great."

"Eew! That stinks," they hear Elizabeth huff and the adults can't help laughing out loud.

Olivia turns down the gas, signaling that she will change Chris's diaper herself, but Elliot asks her,

"Can I do it and show Dickie how it's done?"

Olivia is a little surprised but if Elliot wants to use this moment as a teaching moment between father and son, it's fine with her. The three men in the household retreat into the nursery slash kids' room and Olivia returns to her cooking. When they return, Olivia can tell that Dickie is thinking about something. They've put Chris in his crib and Dickie joins his sisters to watch some TV. Elliot returns to the kitchen and Olivia asks him softly,

"What happened?"

"I told him," Elliot answers and it's all she needs to know.

So now Dickie knows that they're going to get married and that Elliot will officially adopt Chris. They're going to break the news to the girls over dinner but Elliot must have thought it would be wise to prepare his son for this.

"He wasn't surprised about you and me," Elliot adds softly, making sure the children can't overhear them.

"What about Chris?"

"He was quiet after I told him that part, but he doesn't seem upset or anything, does he?"

"No."

Olivia thinks things over while she finishes making dinner. Elliot joins his children in front of the TV and when she announces that dinner is ready, he and Elizabeth help her set the table. They eat together and Olivia feels that she's adjusting well to her big new family. Sometimes the endless chatter about school and friends makes her tired but all in all she really enjoys harmonious family dinners like this.

Kathleen inquires politely how she's been doing back on the job and Olivia tells them that she's been at her desk mostly her first week, working regular office hours for now, but that she's glad to work again. Leaving Chris in the morning isn't always easy but she's getting used to it, and she knows he's in good hands with Elliot as well as the daycare center they've chosen. They're still looking for a nanny but so far, she has been able to pick Chris up on time.

When everyone has about finished eating, Elliot clears his throat, and Olivia feels her stomach clench briefly. How are the girls going to react? Has their mother told the kids anything about her talk with them four weeks ago? Elliot had told her not to, but you never know. She glances at Dickie, who is watching his sisters. It looks like he's proud to be the first to know what his father is going to say.

"So, kids. Olivia and I have something to tell you."

Kathleen immediately punches Dickie in the arm and says,

"Told ya."

"Just listen, alright!" Dickie fires back, and he seems anxious for Elliot to tell the others their news.

Kathleen raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment, and Elliot continues.

"I've already told Maureen and Dickie, so this is for you girls."

The girls look at their brother, who looks back with a very satisfied grin on his face. Olivia should have known Elliot would know how to handle his son and she smiles at the boy, who just nods at her before focusing on his father again.

"So, as you know by now, your mother and I aren't going to get back together. Too much has happened and it wouldn't be healthy for any one of us if we tried again."

The kids all nod and although there is some sadness in their features, Olivia can see that they have now accepted the divorce.

"And recently, Olivia and I have gotten close."

Kathleen takes a breath to say something, and knowing her it would probably be something along the lines of 'duh!', but Elliot stops her by holding up his hand.

"So a little while ago, I asked Olivia to marry me."

"Wow," Elizabeth sighs, looking between the two adults. "That was quick."

"Not really. They've always been close," Dickie tells his sister. "It kinda makes sense. I mean … she's his best friend."

Elliot can't stop a wide grin from forming on his face, despite his nervousness.

"That's right. Olivia is my best friend and we just feel that we're ready to be more than that."

Olivia nods and smiles too, while watching all three kids for their real reactions.

"Makes sense to me," Kathleen simply states. "So you're gonna be Chris's dad after all?"

"That's the other thing I wanted to tell you," Elliot confirms. "We've talked to Miguel and he's okay with it. So … when we get married, I'll also be adopting little Chris officially."

There is a brief silence at the table, and Olivia can hear her own heartbeat in her ears. She hadn't known beforehand that this part would be even more stressful to her than the announcement that she's going to marry the kids' father, but it is. She can almost hear the wheels turning inside the three young heads, but Dickie is the first to speak up. He's had more time to get used to the idea after all.

"So … I'm finally getting a brother. It's about time!"

The tension that had been building at the table is broken immediately and they all chuckle, even Olivia. As chatter erupts among the children about brothers and sisters, and about how the girls are still a majority, Olivia looks at Elliot, her best friend and her future husband. She nods at him with a smile on her face. He'd been so right to give Dickie some advance notice and she finally truly believes that Chris will be a full member of the Stabler clan after all.

…

 **Review?  
And are we ready for a change in rating at last?**


	62. To have and to hold

**A much longer chapter than usual for me, but this wasn't one I could cut off so here you go!  
** **Some of you may have hoped to see more of the wedding preparations, but I hope this will be okay too … Enjoy?** **  
**

...

 **62\. To have and to hold**

 _A few months later_

As the festivities wind down, Olivia stands to the side and watches all their wedding guests chatting, dancing and enjoying their drinks. It's been a beautiful, sunny October day and it's still not really cold outside but she shivers anyway and rubs her bare upper arms with her hands. It must be the long couple of days catching up with her. She watches their nanny Rosa pack up Chris's things. He's six months old already and has charmed his way into every single guest's heart with his wide, happy smile with the cutest dimples she's ever seen. He can watch people intently with his big brown eyes while deciding whether he wants to smile at them or not. Many have waited with baited breath for the baby's approval but his widest grin will always be reserved for his parents.

She watches Elliot walk up to Rosa, and Chris responds to his proximity immediately, kicking his little legs and smiling up at his daddy. Rosa hands the child over and then her groom walks up to her with Chris on his arm. They're the handsomest pair Olivia has ever seen, in their sort-of matching tuxedos.

"Time to say goodnight, mommy," he tells her.

Although he's getting tired, Chris becomes even more excited when he sees his mother and she takes him in her arms to cuddle him before having to let him go for the night.

"I'll see you tomorrow, my love," she whispers against Chris's chubby cheek.

Chris whines a little when Rosa takes him again, but he likes the nanny and when she distracts him with his favorite toy, a stuffed bunny that he'd gotten from Maureen, he settles down against her shoulder. As expected, one of the bunny's ears disappears into his mouth, and the newlyweds smile at each other as they watch the nanny leave with their precious child.

In the end, it had been Casey who had gotten them in touch with Rosa Mendez, the niece of one of Casey's co-workers. The young woman had taken a year off from college and had been looking for a job. She's living rent-free with her aunt and uncle but needs money to pay for her own food and clothes and of course to go out with her friends. It's a perfect match and Rosa is always just a phone call away. She adores Chris and they trust the young woman to take good care of their son.

"Ready to go?" Elliot rumbles, pulling his wife flush against him.

"Hmmm," Olivia hums.

Her mind takes her back to that night back in June, almost eight weeks after Chris had been born. She'd just had her final checkup with her gynaecologist who had given her the green light, and had come home after a long day ...

" _Chris asleep yet?" she asks Elliot._

" _Yeah. He's out light a light."_

" _Good."_

 _Olivia looks up at her fiancé and sees a smouldering fire in his eyes. She'd sent him a text earlier, letting him know that all the breaks are off as of today._

" _He should sleep for a couple of hours," she adds huskily and Elliot responds by simply growling softly._

 _Olivia giggles and she scolds herself mentally that she's actually a little nervous._

" _I need a shower," she tells Elliot._

" _I'll join you."_

 _She remembers the first time they'd been in the shower together. Elliot had been careful with her and had just been focused on getting her cleaned up. Not this time. This time, it's different in every way. He's focused on her alright, but not on getting her cleaned up. It's almost as if he's making a mess intentionally, using way too much soap until they're both dangerously slippery._

 _She's barely rinsed the shampoo out of her hair when she feels Elliot's little Detective slip between her thighs and she closes her eyes at the sensation. It's promising but she needs more friction. They're simply too slippery and she wants to feel more of him. A lot more._

 _Elliot has planted his palms against the wall of the shower behind her, caging her and she can see his eyes darken with desire. She's seen this look in his eyes before but tonight, they are finally going to act on that desire without holding anything back. She lets her palms trace his muscular arms, shoulders and pecs, and then moves them down to his abdomen. She feels his muscles twitch underneath her touch._

" _We need less soap," she whispers._

 _Elliot doesn't respond but leans in to kiss her. She kisses him back eagerly and moans when Elliot's kisses become hungrier and more impatient. He's pushing her entire body against the cold tiles now and she makes a small sound of protest. Elliot breaks off the kiss immediately and looks into her eyes. He's breathing heavily and clearly hadn't wanted to stop but he's checking if she's alright nonetheless._

" _I love you," she sighs, wrapping her arms around his neck, and she kisses him again. "But let's get out of here."_

 _Elliot agrees that the shower may not be the best place for what they have in mind, and they quickly rinse most of the soap off their bodies before dashing from the bathroom to Olivia's bedroom, leaving a wet trail across the living room. It's a good thing they have drapes these days, she thinks, because it might be odd for the neighbors across the street to see two naked cops bursting into the bedroom and jumping on top of each other on the bed._

 _Elliot lets out an 'oof' when Olivia lands on his chest with a thud, but they both laugh out loud. They know they're being silly but they're entitled after that excruciatingly long wait. They're engaged to be married and they haven't had full-blown sex even once yet. It's time._

 _Olivia moans when she feels Elliot's hands exploring her body. When he flips them over, she automatically opens her legs to get him where she wants him. Elliot grins at her before dipping down to suck on the skin just below her ear. She pushes her hips into him and he hums,_

" _Impatient, are we?"_

" _Yes," she hisses back._

 _She is impatient and isn't embarrassed about it, and she knows it's the same for him. When he moves lower to kiss his way down her neck and collar bone until he reaches her chest, she holds her breath. He's kissed her breasts before, but it's different this time. There will be no holding back and it's as if her body is ready to burst with anticipation. She thought she might worry about her first time after giving birth but her body is taking over from her mind easily._

 _Despite his own arousal, Elliot is being careful with her and she loves him for it. He takes his time kissing her and stimulating her with his hands and then his tongue, making sure her post-pregnancy body is ready before he goes any further. When his hot mouth reaches her core, she gasps. It's the first time she's feeling his mouth on her body there and it feels heavenly._

" _Oh Liv," she hears Elliot groan before he starts licking and sucking her with a passion._

 _She feels so attractive right now, with the man she loves eating her out as if she's his favorite dish. Olivia reaches behind her and grabs the headboard of the bed with both hands. She wheezes as she tries not to cry out, but it's becoming increasingly hard to stay quiet. Elliot's hands are massaging her breasts while his mouth and tongue are doing something magical to her clit and her throbbing core._

" _El … ah … El," she stammers, squeezing her eyes shut and pushing herself into his face, needing more of what he's doing to her._

 _And then suddenly his mouth and hands are gone and her eyes snap open just in time to see his muscular form crawl up her body._

" _Liv, I …" he starts but he doesn't have to explain._

" _Yes," she tells him. "Oh yes."_

 _She widens her knees and reaches for her fiancé's shoulders, pulling him down so she can kiss him while he settles between her legs once more. She can taste coffee, shower gel and herself on his tongue and she knows it's a taste she will never forget. Elliot is rock hard. He's pressing against her pelvic bone painfully and it has to be painful for him as well. She desperately needs him lower. She needs him inside her, as close to her as humanly possible. Olivia pushes against Elliot's hips with her hands and he lifts them, letting her hands guide him until he's lined up with her._

" _Tell me if I go too fast," he whispers and Olivia nods, biting her lower lip._

 _When he finally penetrates her, she never tells him to stop or slow down. She just lets out a guttural groan of pleasure each time he pushes deeper. She had wondered if everything would still work properly and boy, does it ever. This is what she's craved for so long, to be filled up like this. She's tighter than she had expected after pushing a whole baby out, and Elliot fills her up completely. There's nothing 'little' about him and when he moans next to her ear, the sound sends an electrical current through her system._

 _Elliot rests his elbows next to her on the mattress and captures her lips with his as he starts to move his hips. She meets his movements eagerly, hoping he'll go even deeper. As their lovemaking gets more heated, their kisses become more sloppy but it doesn't matter. Their bodies meld together perfectly and they soar to a new high together, Elliot's hands cupping her shoulders while she clutches his perfect ass._

 _Elliot gasps against her neck and Olivia lets out short cries of pleasure when they approach their climax mere minutes after their bodies have joined together for the first time. She had always known they'd be like this Any doubts about the real thing living up to their fantasies melt away as their worlds explode in ecstasy, Elliot spilling his seed first and Olivia following him when she feels him throbbing and spasming inside her. They're both completely out of breath and when Elliot drops his full weight on top of her, she can't breathe but it's an amazing feeling. She's never felt safer, completely covered with him and her body still reeling from the way he has just made love to her for the first time …_

"Liv?"

Olivia blinks and looks up into her concerned husband's eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Where d'you go?"

She smiles lazily at him then.

"I was just remembering our first time."

"Really?"

Elliot is all ears now and pulls her closer to him by the hips.

"So would you like to reenact it with me, upstairs in our hotel room?"

Olivia grins and glances around them. She spots one of Elliot's brothers, who is gathering the kids around him. They will be in good hands tonight. Maureen looks at them from across the room and waves. They wave back and Olivia smiles at her oldest stepdaughter. The new bond Maureen and Elliot have forged over the past year is starting to include her now and Maureen has offered a few times already to babysit for them if they want an evening to themselves and Rosa isn't available. She's been dating a young man for a while now and Elliot suspects that she's thinking about motherhood herself. And while he doesn't even want to think about his little girls growing up and dating, let alone having sex, he has accepted that his twenty-year old daughter is officially old enough to make her own decisions. She hasn't brought a date to the wedding but Olivia suspects that it won't be long until she'll bring her boyfriend along to babysit. She's already looking forward to teasing Elliot about it.

But not now.

Now is the time for just the two of them.

Olivia knows that Alex has been watching them and that it will be impossible to sneak out without her noticing, and so they walk up to their friends and co-workers to say goodnight.

"Awesome party, you two," Casey comments as soon as they've joined the group, raising her glass of wine.

"Absolutely," Cragen agrees, clinking his glass of water with Casey's glass.

"Gimme a hug," Fin rumbles, reaching for the blushing bride and Olivia squeezes her old friend's shoulder when he holds her tight for a second.

"Now you better be good to our girl, Stabler, or we'll find you," he then warns the groom sternly, but he can't suppress a wide grin when he shakes Elliot's hand.

"Will do, Fin. You know I always have her back."

"Yeah, well, you've got more than just her back now."

Elliot wraps his arm around Olivia's waist and winks at her when she looks up at him.

"Sure do. I'm never letting her go now."

Munch steps forward to say goodnight to the couple and Olivia sees tears in his eyes.

"Weddings always make me mushy," he quickly explains. "Always remind me of my own."

"Which one?" Melinda jokes but Munch answers very seriously,

"All of them."

Alex hugs Olivia and then Elliot, and hangs on to Elliot for a moment. When Olivia raises an eyebrow the blonde explains,

"I just _had_ to know how it feels, alright?"

The women chuckle and then Casey and Melinda can't stay behind and hug Elliot too.

"Alright, alright, that's enough," Olivia shouts, laughing. "He's all mine now and I'm dragging him out of here."

After some more joking and some innuendo about what's in store for Elliot, they finally let the couple go. Olivia grabs Elliot's hand and they quickly make their way to the elevator, which will take them to the top floor of the hotel where the bridal suite is.

Elliot had insisted on getting the suite for them, because he wants only the best for his wife. She knows that he and Kathy never had a big wedding and she's enjoying the royal treatment a lot.

As soon as the elevator doors close, Elliot's lips are on hers. He is pressing her against the wall of the elevator and kisses her deeply. It reminds her of that first time again, when there had been the same urgency in his kisses. They're married now and Olivia hasn't really let that sink in. Her son is now a Stabler. Christopher Donovan Benson-Stabler. And she's Mrs. Stabler, being ravaged in the elevator by her brand-new husband.

"El," she gasps in between kisses and he finally gives her a little room to breathe.

"I've been wanting to do that all day," he admits. "You're so beautiful Liv. I still can't believe you actually said yes."

Olivia giggles and kisses him softly on the lips.

"You wouldn't have taken no for an answer anyway."

Elliot's eyes soften and he lifts a hand to caress her cheek.

"You know we're right for each other, Liv."

She smiles and agrees,

"I do."

"Best two words I've heard all day," he whispers before kissing her softly again.

The elevator dings, indicating that they have arrived on the top floor, and Elliot takes Olivia's hand to guide her to their room. When they arrive at the door, Elliot opens it with his key card and then turns around to scoop Olivia up in his arms.

She grins at him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I know it's not our threshold but I'm carrying you across anyway," he tells her, and she laughs.

"You're such a romantic."

"Guilty as charged," he admits readily and then walks into their room, kicking the door closed behind them with his foot.

He heads straight for the big, heart-shaped bed and sets her down gently next to it. The lights in the room are dimmed, and soft instrumental music is playing in the background. The hotel staff has sprinkled rose petals across the bed and as cliché as it is, Olivia loves it. It's been a perfect day that deserves a romantic, perfect conclusion like this. She's facing the bed and Elliot stands behind her, wrapping an arm around her waist. His other hand moves to the side of her head, reaching for the white flower in her hair, and Olivia sucks in a breath.

"You looked so beautiful today," Elliot tells her softly, his warm breath tickling her ear.

Her hair is tied up but Elliot unfastens the clip with the white flower that is holding it together, until her wavy dark hair falls around her face, spilling down to her shoulders.

"So beautiful," Elliot repeats, burying his nose in her hair, and Olivia shivers again.

The dress she's chosen is made of white silk. It's strapless, leaving her shoulders and arms bare, and it's tight around her torso, hips and thighs. From the knees down it widens and it has a modest train. She's proud of her post-baby figure and has been showing it off all day long, but now it's time for the dress to come off.

Elliot, still standing behind her, pulls the zipper of her dress down slowly and she hears his breathing pick up a little. She can feel his eyes on her skin as more of it is exposed to him. When he's unzipped the dress completely, Olivia shimmies until it drops to the ground, pooling around her feet. She feels Elliot's warm hands on her hips then and he kisses her shoulder softly. Olivia is now dressed in nothing but a white strapless lace bra, a matching thong and her high heels.

"You're overdressed," she manages to say, her voice hoarse with arousal already.

"So are you," Elliot mumbles back against her temple before reaching around her to cup her lace-clad breasts and squeeze them lightly.

Olivia moans softly, dropping her head back against Elliot's shoulder. This slow tease in this romantic setting is extremely arousing and she can already feel herself getting wet. Elliot's thumbs are teasing her hardened nipples through the sheer fabric of her bra and she reaches behind her blindly for something to hold on to. She finds Elliot's hips and pulls him tighter against her behind. He's as hard as she is wet …

"El …" she whispers, and it's enough for Elliot to turn her around quickly and kiss her deeply once more.

They tumble backwards onto the bed and Olivia starts tugging on Elliot's clothes. He sits up and quickly sheds his shoes, jacket and bow tie but before Olivia can start unbuttoning his shirt, he's on her again, kissing her jaw, neck, collarbone and finally her chest. He pulls her bra down to expose a dark nipple and wraps his lips around the hardened bud.

Olivia moans again, protesting a little that he gets to touch so much of her while he's basically still completely dressed, but pleasure overrides her protest and she grabs the back of Elliot's head to keep him right where he is now, feasting on her breasts as he gets rid of her bra altogether.

When Elliot finally takes a small break, raising his head to grin at her, Olivia turns the tables on him, pushing him onto his back on the bed. She straddles his hips and starts unbuttoning his shirt slowly. Elliot smiles, loving how she's taking control now. They both have a habit of taking control, which often makes for pretty intense nights. And tonight, their wedding night, will be no exception.

Olivia leans forward to kiss Elliot's chest as more of it comes into view.

"Liv," Elliot croaks, but she isn't going to give in yet. She can be a tease too and they have all night after all.

After shedding his dress shirt, Olivia starts on his pants and takes them off of him together with his socks. They're both now down to one piece of underwear, and Olivia's still wearing her heels. Elliot has finally accepted that Olivia is now in charge, and waits, albeit impatiently, for her to continue. She crawls over his legs and starts rubbing him through his black boxer briefs, until he can't contain himself anymore and reaches for her.

"No no," Olivia chides, evading his grasp.

Elliot groans but complies and lies back down, watching his wife intently while she starts to tug his boxers down. She licks her lips when his manhood jumps into view and Elliot covers his face with both hands, breathing deeply. He knows what's coming.

When her lips wrap around his tip, her hand slowly massaging his shaft, Elliot swears softly. Olivia loves the taste of him and loves doing this to him. She closes her eyes and moans at the sensation of him in her mouth and her hand. Her other hand caresses his abdomen and she loves how his breathing is erratic, all because of what she's doing to him. After a minute, his hips begin to move and she knows he is surrendering to her. She remembers their first time again, when he had brought her to the brink as well, only to switch gears at the last moment. It's her turn now and while he tastes amazingly good and she would want to continue, she stops sucking him just when she feels him grow even thicker and harder in her hand.

"Liv …" Elliot protests, but when he lifts his head to look at her, he sees her crawling towards him and focuses on her full breasts.

His hands cup her breasts while she positions herself above him. His thumbs graze her nipples and she closes her eyes, trying not to lose her bearings or forget what she had planned to do. She reaches between them and hooks one finger inside her thong, pulling the fabric aside just enough so she can sink down on her husband.

They both moan together and when Olivia starts to move, Elliot grabs her thighs and moves with her. Olivia stares into his blue eyes, that are now almost black with lust and is overcome with such happiness that she has to look away. He's her husband now, to have and to hold. She's officially Mrs. Stabler. No longer just a single cop in the city but a married woman with a family. She squeezes her eyes shut and lets that feeling of happiness fill her up, while Elliot fills her body up in the most delicious way. She hears him moan her name and when his hands move from her thighs up to her waist, she lets herself drop forward. It changes the momentum of their lovemaking and allows her husband to kiss her sweetly.

"I love you so much," he whispers.

Olivia drops her forehead to his shoulder and bites her lip to keep her chin from trembling. She wants to tell him that she loves him too but she's afraid her voice will break. Elliot thrusts up and she reciprocates, pouring all of her love for him in their dance of love. He's impossibly deep inside her and it's symbolic of how deep they're both in this relationship. Five years of partnership, of getting to know each other and of becoming best friends is now culminating in this perfect wedding night. They're both close to the edge and when Olivia feels herself slipping, she sighs in her husband's ear,

"Love you forever."

It's as if those words trigger Elliot's release and she quickly joins him, crying out as their bodies shaking together, engulfed by their combined ecstasy. Elliot wraps his arms around her and holds her close to him while little shockwaves still course through their bodies, and Olivia feels a stray tear fall from her eye and on his chest.

Elliot must have felt the tiny droplet and lifts his head to look at her.

"You okay?" he whispers and she smiles at him.

"Yeah. I'm more than okay."

Elliot smiles but waits for her, knowing instinctively that she wants to add something to her words.

"What?" he asks softly and she lowers her head to kiss his chest before telling him,

"I'm happy."

…

 **A/N: She's happy! Isn't that all we want for our Liv? There will be one or two more epilogue-like chapters after this one. Your reviews are appreciated as always.**


	63. Blessed

**63\. Blessed (epilogue)**

 _October 2005 (1 year later)_

"Doh! Doh!"

Chris points excitedly at all the dogs playing in the dog run on pier 84. If he wasn't strapped in safely in his stroller, they think he'd jump out to try to get closer to the dogs. He might even try to climb the fence. At 18 months, he's becoming quite the handful, but Olivia enjoys every little bit of time she can spare to spend with her son, either alone or with her husband.

"Kwis doh? Mamma? Kwis doh?"

Chris tries to twist around to look at his mamma with those huge brown eyes of his.

Olivia rolls her eyes at Elliot, who can't stop grinning. This has been going on for a few weeks now, and Elliot thinks it's hilarious. Chris wants a dog. Ever since they had an animal petting day at the daycare center, he hasn't stopped asking for a real dog. He seems to have a particular love for dogs that can't stop running and moving about and she can picture it now. Nothing will be safe in the house. Not that anything has been safe from their little man for a while now, ever since he's started walking.

Chris laughs with delight when one of the dogs jumps up against the fence near his stroller and Olivia sighs. Elliot has been giving her puppy eyes right alongside their son and she know it's inevitable. They're getting a dog. A small one, she's argued. One that actually _stays_ small and won't mind being alone for hours on end. They can't expect their new nanny to take care of Chris _and_ a dog full time. She has to admit that a puppy will be the most perfect Christmas gift they can give their little boy. He isn't really aware of birthdays and holidays yet, but he loves getting presents. And since a dog is the only thing he's ever asked for so far, she knows it's going to be a big hit.

Elliot seems to sense that she's finally ready to cave and when their lazy Saturday is over and she's tucking Chris in for the night in his new big boy crib, she feels her husband move behind her. He leans over her a little, trying to make it seem like that's necessary to say goodnight to Chris, but she knows what he's doing. He's wrapped an arm around her waist and moves his hand down slowly while he makes funny faces at Chris.

Chris giggles, completely unaware of what his father is doing to his mother as his hand finds its intended target. Olivia takes a deep breath but she can feel her body responding to Elliot's touch already. She's been so sensitive lately and so easy to get in the mood and Elliot is taking advantage of that eagerly.

"Night night, Chris," she whispers to her son, waving at him to complete their evening ritual.

"Nai nai," Chris answers sleepily, clutching his newest favorite toy - a dog of course.

A day in the fresh autumn air has been good for him and they know he will be asleep within another minute. Olivia suppresses a moan when Elliot rubs her through her jeans again and she quickly pushes him out of the room, then closes the door softly.

"What do you think you're …" she hisses, but she's cut off by Elliot's lips on hers, her back colliding with the door she's just closed.

She tries to resist but it's only for show and they both know it. Now that Chris is in bed and the other kids are with their mother, they can be Olivia and Elliot for a while, not mamma and daddy. She kisses Elliot back eagerly and yelps when he suddenly lifts her up. She wraps her legs around his waist and lets him drag her into their bedroom. Her room is no longer her room but theirs, while Elliot's bedroom has been transformed into the girls' room. Dickie calls the nursery a man cave now that he doesn't have to share it with his sisters anymore, only with his new brother. Olivia could never have dreamed things would turn out so well with Dickie after their rough start. He has accepted Chris and her into the family completely and is even trying not to be grossed out when he catches his father kissing or cuddling with his new wife. Still, she's glad that the Stabler kids aren't there right now because their father is about to ravage her and she doesn't want to hold back.

Sex with Elliot is never going to get old, she knows that now. She's never trusted a man as much as she trusts her husband, who has just taken her clothes off in record speed and has asked her to sit up on her hands and knees on the bed.

"Oh yes," she whispers, already anticipating what's coming.

She waits a little impatiently while Elliot quickly sheds his own clothes and then joins her on the bed, kneeling behind her. She feels his hands caressing her hips and ass, and them moving up her body to cup her breasts. She moans and pushes back into him, as if to urge him to get on with it. Elliot chuckles and she drops her head to the pillow. They've done this dance before and she isn't going to take the bait. Not this time. He can be cocky tonight, as long as she gets laid. One hand continues kneading her breast while the other one moves behind her thighs and then between them.

"You're dripping already," Elliot hums contently.

Olivia breathes heavily into her pillow, enjoying the rhythmical ministrations of Elliot's fingers where she craves to be touched almost every chance they get nowadays. They've made love in many ways and they've had rough sex too. Tonight, she just wants him any way he wants to do it. She's never let a man simply take her before Elliot, always needing to be in control, but everything is different with Elliot. Her best friend. Her husband. She allows herself to let go with him, knowing he will never hurt her and will always catch her.

She groans loudly when he starts to push into her, knowing how much he loves it when she gets vocal. It feels sexy too to cry out and she finds it harder and harder to hold back when the kids are staying over.

She hears Elliot sigh her name as he starts to find a rhythm and she braces herself, knowing things are going to get intense fast. He never lasts long in this position but he doesn't have to. She's so horny lately that she's right there with him. They can take it slow later but not now. Right now, this is what she wants. To feel him moving deep inside her, fast and hard.

"Ofuckofuckofuck," Elliot grunts after only a minute, picking up the pace even more.

He's now holding on to her hips with both hands and Olivia has placed her palms against the headboard of the bed to keep her head from crashing into it. When her husband bottoms out and then stills suddenly, she knows he's going to blow. He moans loudly, then hisses as he picks up the pace again, throbbing inside her and making sure she comes as well. She feels like all her insides are tingling with delight and lets out a happy squeal when her orgasm reaches its peak.  
Elliot leans forward, his muscular chest heaving against her back as they catch their breath. He wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her along with him when he lets himself topple over.

They're on their sides now, Elliot spooning Olivia, and she's never felt safer. Elliot reaches up to move her hair to the side so he can kiss the side of her neck.

"Hey Liv," he whispers.

"Yeah?"

"You wanna make a new baby with me?"

She turns around in his arms to face him and she has a grin on her face so wide that it almost hurts.

"You wanna know something?" she asks him.

"What?"

"I think we already have."

…

 _December 2005_

Olivia doesn't think their home has ever been this full. All the kids are there, including Maureen and her boyfriend Sam, as well as Olivia's squad and Elliot's partner Mitch, and Melinda, Casey and Alex. Most of the adults are squeezed on the couch or sitting on the dining room chairs they've dragged into the living area, and the children are sitting on the floor. The older children will be spending Christmas Day in Queens but nobody seems to mind celebrating it a day early at the Stabler-Benson residence today.

As expected, Chris is the center of attention and he's loving every minute of it. They are gathered around the Christmas tree at 10 AM on December 24, pretending it's Christmas, all for little Chris. But the older kids and the adults are enjoying the thrill of unwrapping their gifts immensely too, and it's a festive time of ooh's and aah's as more gifts are revealed. Naturally, Chris is being buried in presents, from new clothes to new toys and he loves everything, including the wrapping paper and the pretty bows on top of the boxes. And then it's time for the biggest gift of the day. Elliot leaves for their bedroom for a moment and when he comes back, Olivia urges everyone to pay attention.

"And now … Christopher," Elliot says solemnly, and Chris quickly scrambles to his feet when he sees his daddy carry in the big, shiny box. He reaches up with both arms, but the box is too big for him to carry, and father and son lower the box to the floor together gently.

"Be careful now," Elliot tells his son. "This is a very, very special gift for you. Maybe mamma should help you open it."

Chris darts over to his mother and grabs her hand.

"Mamma open," he tells her, pointing at the big box.

She can tell he really doesn't know what to think and he's giggling nervously when Olivia sits down on her knees next to the box.

"Now let's see, how does this open?" she mumbles, knowing Chris is going to start tugging the big red ribbon any second.

"Mamma open!" Chris urges again, and they pull the red ribbon together until the big bow on top of the box comes apart. Olivia takes the lid of the box very carefully and looks inside. Chris stands next to her and peeks over the edge of the box until he sees his present.

"Doh! Doh!" he cries out, his eyes growing even bigger than usual. "Mamma daddy Kwis doh!"

He's so excited that he falls over and Elliot picks him up while Olivia lifts the tiny dog from the box carefully. It's the cutest little Dachshund puppy they've ever seen and everyone is melting at the sight of the little dog. Elliot has sat down on his knees, holding on to Chris who is now very eager to get his hands on the puppy.

"Kwis doh!" he squeals again, reaching for the tiny animal.

"Be careful now," Olivia repeats. "Don't hurt her."

Chris gently pats the doggy on the head and then tries to grab it.

"I'll just put her down first," Olivia says. "So she can run away if she has to."

The others chuckle, all in awe of the little dog. They sit perfectly still, trying not to startle it.

"We've let her play in the room last night after Chris went to sleep," Olivia says softly. "So she knows the surroundings a little already."

Once the dog is on its feet, Elliot lets go of Chris, who grabs the dog right away. He's giggling happily and Olivia has to swallow a lump in her throat. The dog is wagging its tiny tail and doesn't seem to be uncomfortable. When the other children approach to pet the dog, Chris almost gets a little possessive, but when the dog begins to squirm, he quickly lets go of it.

"Oh, he's so cute!" Kathleen exclaims. "Does he have a name yet?"

"It's a she actually," Elliot corrects his daughter. "We haven't named her yet."

"Can we think of a name?" Elizabeth asks, gently rubbing the doggy's back.

"Sure. But I think Chris should get the last say, don't you think? It's his dog, after all."

"Kwis doh," Chris confirms, watching the small dog intently while the other children pet her.

"I think Chris just wants to call her Doh," Dickie laughs, "but what do you think of Tiny?"

"That's a dumb name," his twin sister counters immediately. "I think she should be called Contessa."

"Contessa? Puh-lease!"

The adults join the name game too, and a lot of suggestions come up until Casey waves her newly acquired chocolate collection in the air.

"How about Hershey? She looks just like a yummie chocolate bar!"

Everyone laughs but when the suggestion is made to the happiest little boy in the room, he instantly seems to approve of the name.

"Hussy!" he exclaims, picking up the little black and brown dog again and tucking it under one arm. "Hussy doh."

"Hershey it is," Olivia concludes.

"Awesome. What did I win?" Casey asks.

"More chocolate," Fin replies without missing a beat, dumping his own two bars in the redhead's lap.

Elliot stands up and winks at Olivia before heading to the kitchen. She knows what's next. He's going to get everyone some chocolate milk and a Christmas cookie, and then they have one last surprise for everyone. Chris only has eyes for Hershey and crawls around after her while the others relax and enjoy the Christmas treats. Olivia takes a deep breath and then plucks the very last small present from behind the Christmas tree.

"We have one more," she says quietly, biting her lip as she caresses the wrapping paper of the flat, flexible package.

" _Another_ present? Who is it for?" Maureen asks.

"It's for Chris and it's for us and it's for all of you," Olivia says mysteriously. "Who wants to unwrap it?"

Alex is scrutinizing her suddenly and Olivia can't look at her friend. She can read her like a book but she really wants it to be a surprise for everyone.

"How about grandpa Don?" Elliot suggests, and Donald Cragen sits up straight at the mention of his name.

Their relationship with the Captain has improved a lot over the past 18 months and is now even better than before. He can see that they're truly happy together and that even Elliot's kids are flourishing again. Kathy has been in therapy for quite a while now and has finally found her bearings in life again. She is now going through a process of mourning the marriage she has lost due to her own issues, without really wanting it back. It's an intense process but she's getting there, with all of their help. Kathy and Olivia may never become friends but even Cragen can see that in the end, everyone is better off in the new situation. He even gets to be a surrogate grandfather to little Chris now.

He accepts the honor of opening the very last present and when he finds a small t shirt inside and unfolds it, he gasps when he reads the text on the shirt.

"What? What is it?" Munch asks. "What does it say?"

Cragen doesn't answer but simply holds the little t shirt up for all of them to read:

" _Promoted to big brother"_

Elliot, now standing next to his wife, wraps his arm around her waist and looks at their friends and family proudly while the news begins to sink in.

"Liv!" Alex exclaims, and she's the first to jump up and rush over to her newly pregnant friend to congratulate her with a big hug.

The others quickly join in and Olivia almost drowns in the huge group hug that ensues. Even Chris catches on and he hugs her leg with one arm while holding onto Hershey with the other. He's laughing out loud without understanding why, but everyone's happiness is contagious. When his daddy picks him up and lifts him and his doggy high in the air, Olivia can no longer contain her tears. They're happy tears because this is the most perfect moment in her life. She is surrounded by her entire family, everyone who truly matters to her, and they are all sharing in her joy of becoming a mother again.

And little Chris is the one who made it all happen, simply by coming into existence. He's the center of her life and of her extended family. Her fear that he might not belong had evaporated ages ago and she knows that she's finally let go of the past. She is able to move forward with her husband, their children and their friends. She feels incredibly blessed. It's a new life, and in it, in about six months, they will receive another new life. They are blessed indeed.

…

…

…

…

 **THE END**

…

…

…

…

 **A little encore**

…

"I think that went pretty well."

Elliot plops on the couch contently and opens his arms, welcoming her to join him. All their guests have gone, Chris is sound asleep and even little Hershey has slipped into a semi-coma from exhaustion in her new dog crate. They had walked the little dog as they saw the last of their visitors off but she had almost been too tired to pee.

Now, silence has descended on them and Olivia climbs into Elliot's lap, straddling him so she can hug him tightly.

"It was perfect," she told him, kissing his neck softly.

"Are you ready to do it all again?" Elliot asks and she sits up to look into his eyes.

"You mean the sickness, the bloatedness, getting fat and ugly and emotional all the time?"

Elliot grins at her and she smirks as well before adding,

"And the anticipation, feeling the baby kick and move around, thinking of names, loving them to death already."

"Yeah, that," Elliot smiles.

"Absolutely. As long as I get to do it all again with you."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Neither am I."

"Then I guess we're stuck with each other."

"Guess so."

She pulls her lower lip between her teeth and sees Elliot's eyes drop to her mouth instantly.

"I wanna kiss my pregnant wife," he tells her honestly.

They're becoming better and better at that. Simply telling each other what they want instead of making each other guess.

"This hormonal pregnant woman wants to kiss her husband too."

"I love it when you go all hormonal on me," Elliot says softly in that amazing bedroom voice of his.

"You won't say that when I'm nine months pregnant and sick of it," she huffs but Elliot's smile only widens.

"I loved you when you were nine months pregnant and hormonal before and I'll love you again. Never doubt that for even a second."

She bites her lip again, but this time it's to keep her chin from trembling.

"I love you, Olivia. Now and forever."

She nods, swallows and blinks, then pulls him close to her and whispers against the skin of his neck,

"I love you, Elliot. Now and forever. Thank you so much for never giving up on me."

Elliot kisses her shoulder and then uses his finger to lift her head again and make her look at him.

"Easiest thing I've ever done."

He caresses her cheek and she lets out a soft sound when their lips meet. He kisses her tenderly, lovingly, making her feel so loved from head to toe that she wants to cry. But it will be tears of pure happiness and love, not of pain or loneliness. She will never be alone again.

…

 **THE END END**

…

 **Because everything has to come to an end eventually.**

 **Well, there it is.  
I loved writing this story. I know it took a long time to finish but basically, we witnessed an entire pregnancy in real time so there's that. Thank you all for sticking with me until the end and for all your kind words along the way. They mean a lot to me. I know some wanted to see Miguel again or see more of Chris growing up, but I really felt like this story was finished. I hope you'll agree and I hope to see you all again soon!**

 **Love,  
Anne**


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